Month: November 2017

Therapy

Posted on by Julie in Maketym, Therapy

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As I navigate the pain of losing Rick, I have engaged in a number of “therapeutic” activities to help me cope with my new reality. I will say upfront, I know there is nothing I can do to get “over” my loss or to be “cured” of this horrible feeling of grief and loneliness. Nothing will ever bring him back; but life goes on, and I am searching in earnest for ways to bring joy to my life without him.

The obvious therapy is of course seeing a therapist. At first I was reluctant. Even though I was already on meds for depression, I didn’t think I really needed a professional to help me. After I had trouble focusing at work, I saw my regular physician and he gave me a referral to a faith based counselor. I met with “Liz” about 4 times and she gave me a great book to read. Mostly she listened. At our last session, she told me she could see progress in my coping. This was mostly in my ability to extend grace to Rick’s friend and former boss. (see my earlier post re: “Why Make Tym”) I have invited him and others from my wedding party to my first party at my new home to honor Rick and to celebrate my 26th wedding anniversary. I am glad I took the TYM to see her.

Back to my point about joy. There are so many things in life that bring me joy and I have been indulging in my top two…wine and shopping.

Anyone that knows me know that I love my wine, especially after my trip to Napa and Sonoma last year. I’m a red girl..red sangria, pinot noir, cabernet, shiraz, zins, merlot, blends… Hell, I’ll even drink white if that is the only option! When I joined weight watchers back in March, I cut way back on my wine intake…because points! It helped in my ability to lose 40 pounds. But then tragedy struck and I have to admit, drinking a few glasses of wine at the end of the day really dulls the pain. I’m not concerned about becoming addicted, but my new neighbor that sees my recycle bag each week might be wondering about the numerous empty bottles in my trash. To my defense, I’ve had some girlfriends visit since moving in to my new place. They like wine too! I’ll get to my girlfriends at the end.

So lets talk shopping. I love to buy things. Nice clothes, nice furniture, books, stationary, kitchen gadgets, jewelry, wine, etc! Now this might be an actual addiction I have. Between the life insurance and the good salary I have worked towards for 30 years, I am fortunate to have the means to indulge in the finer things that bring me joy. Most recently, I purchased a fabulous condo in a building with great amenities, amazing views, no yard work and a short commute to work. I met with a design team yesterday to discuss major renovations that will but the cherry on the top. When all is said and done it will be my dream home without being a guest on HGTV. It may sound like I am boasting – really, I am not. Last night, despite thinking about how fabulous my new place is and will be, I cried myself to sleep. I miss Rick so much. It is nice to have a comfortable lifestyle and a beautiful place to live; however, it doesn’t mean as much when the love of my life is not here to enjoy it with me. I would not hesitate to give it up in order to have Rick back.

After moving (so MUCH WORK) I should know better than to spend so much time and money shopping after numerous trips to goodwill. But…on-line shopping!!! Oh my, it is so easy and convenient. At my new place, packages are delivered to my back door and when I put the empty boxes outside the same door, the box fairy comes and takes them away. Now I AM bragging. I really love the convenience of city life.

So let’s talk girlfriends. Next to finding a partner for life, there is nothing better and I am so very blessed to have girlfriends that truly sustain me and lift me up everyday. I’ll start with my daughter Annika. She is my best friend in the world and a part of Rick that I still have. (Erik: I love you equally but you are “all boy”). Annika, you get me and I know you and I share a similar pain in losing dad. I am so happy that you have found love in your life and my hope is that dad and I have modeled for you what true love means.

My besties. Susie and Kelly. (Love you too Mitch and Andrew) These two have been by my side through the best and worst of times. They were with my when Rick took his last breath and they were the first visitors at my new home. Actually, they helped me pick it out! There are just to many precious moments to mention. These two are such a blessing in my life I cannot adequately describe how much they mean to me.

My sorority sisters. Between girl weekends, private messages, cards and text messages, these ladies are constantly looking out for me and encouraging and consoling me. And now I live close to a couple of AOIIs that I have not seen in a while! ALAM.

My Gates Creek peeps. Amy and Tammy especially know what I am going through. They are going through the same pain. All the girls from the hood have been amazing and I hope they know that leaving my home in Oswego was especially hard because of all of them. I want to give a special shout out to Liz. From speaking at Rick’s funeral, to getting my mail, to helping me pack and to being there to direct the movers while I was at closing…you are the epitome of a good neighbor and good friend. I will miss being able to walk across the street to sit in your kitchen and chat. I love you so so much.

My friends at work. If I try to name you all I am afraid I will leave someone out. But Alan, although you are definitely a male, you get me like my girlfriends do and I value our friendship so much. You mean more to me than I will ever be able to articulate. And Lisa, we share a first day at work: 9-27-87 and we have so many great memories that we have shared. Thanks for the great talk at lunch today. Vista and Christine, I hope you know how much I love you and enjoy having you on my team at work.

There are so many other friends to mention. Thanksgiving was fun running and drinking champagne with my fellow football mom and realtor Rebecca and my college friend Mary and my Girl scout friend Gina. I can’t wait to see my friend Francine – also a connection through Girl Scouts.

Therapy — It’s good for the soul. But the best therapy in my opinion is my girlfriends. Thank you ladies, and Alan for being there for me.

Organ Donation

Posted on by Julie in organ donor

On July 7, (a Friday) Rick went into cardiac arrest while working on a home addition. As I understand it, he was with one other employee who did not see him collapse, but heard it. Emergency responders arrived quickly and revived him with aggressive CPR. In the ambulance, he was revived again and then a third time at the ER. When I arrived at the hospital in Arlington Hts. about 3 hours later, he was laying in ICU with broken ribs and he was hooked up to a number of machines and tubes. In the midst of such chaos, we did not understand that he had been sedated and it would be 48 hours before we would know if the lack of oxygen to his brain had caused irreparable damage. Meanwhile, the doctors asked me multiple questions about his heart health and suggested that as an overweight male smoker over age 50, that he was a prime candidate for a heart attack. (Quick sidebar: He was not overweight! Rick weighed the same as he did when we married – about 200 pounds. If this is considered overweight for a 5’11” tall man… Ok, rant over)

After several cardiologists evaluated Rick, we started hearing that it didn’t seem to be a heart attack that caused Rick’s heart to stop. In fact, we learned that Rick’s heart was quite strong. By Sunday, we started hearing speculation that he may have been electrocuted. One doctor even asked us if we knew how he was electrocuted!

On Sunday evening, shortly after the medical team reduced his pain meds to bring him out of sedation and to start testing his reflexes, I was by his bedside exhausted and praying for him to wake up. My sorority sisters had organized a prayer vigil for 9 pm and exactly at 9 pm, my sorority sister Sue walked in. She prayed with me and comforted me as I faced the unknown. While she was in the room with me, the nurse on duty came in to test Rick’s reflexes and to check on other vitals. During that check, the nurse shared with me in a very compassionate, yet direct way that Rick was not showing signs of improvement. In fact, he was getting worse. This was the moment I knew he was gone and Sue held me and prayed with me as I collapsed in tears.

The next morning the neurologist ordered a number of tests to test Rick’s brain activity. In hindsight, I guess this was to confirm what we already knew. It was at this time that the staff from Gift of Hope reached out to me and said – Do you know that your husband is a registered organ donor? I did.

As I sat in a consultation room with the Gift of Hope representative, I embarked on the most bizarre and awkward and surreal conversations of my life. First, I had the option to refuse organ donation. If I wanted to proceed, coordination with the Medical examiner office was needed in case an autopsy was needed and 24 hour notice was needed in order to line up donors. His heart could not be used unless he was 100% brain dead and tissue could not be used if needed for an autopsy. Certain organs had to be “harvested” sooner than others and no organs could be used if he did not pass within 90 minutes of removing life support. We would also need to work around the operating room schedule. Because we did not know if the Medical Examiner would want to do an autopsy, we first worked with them. We wanted an autopsy even if they did not pursue it. When we inquired with their office, not only did they say they planned to do an autopsy, they were already familiar with our case as OSHA had started an investigation. They had a particular physician in mind as he was studying electrocution. Can you imagine how my head was spinning at the end of these conversations?

Later that day, around 6 PM the neurologist called me with the results. The part of Rick’s brain that could still function was the part used to reason and solve complicated math. (Ironic, as he was a math whiz). The part of his brain that was damaged was the part that regulates wakefulness, reflexes, and basic life functions. If he were to recover, he would need full time support.

A family meeting between his mom Alice, sister Dianna, the kids and I occurred soon after. His mom was the first to say, this is not what Rick would want. We have to let him go. What a strong woman. Rick’s father David, her fist husband was electrocuted and died 50 years earlier in 1967. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a husband and a son in the very same way. Alice is a remarkable woman.

We gave our 24 hour notice. We went home and got some needed rest.

Tuesday was a long day. I remember being asked to write something that could be read to the Operating Room team so they could know about the person that was giving life to others. The ICU staff and Gift of Hope staff all read it and they shared how touched they were and marveled at what a wonderful person Rick was. The Gift of Hope staff gave us some lovely mementos including a beautiful blanket, a medallion, and printouts of his heartbeat. I’m going to have that tattooed on my ring finger.

At around 10PM that night, the OR team was ready and we followed the staff as they wheeled Rick’s bed down to the OR. Ten of us: Alice, Dianna, Annika and her boyfriend Nic, Erik, me and my 4 Besties stood around his bed next to the operating room as life support was removed. Can I just say, a true best friend will be by your side at a difficult moment like this. Thank you Andrew, Kelly, Mitch and Susie for being with me during the most difficult hour of my life.

The first several minutes were awkward and tense. The doctor and nurses were frantically administering morphine and monitoring vitals as the rest of us watched. My bestie Andrew broke the tension and from there we played some music and shared Rick stories. My favorite was the one his mom shared of Rick during he Evil Knevil stage, riding his bike off the back of a pick up truck. As we told our stories and held Rick’s hand, he looked so peaceful, like he was sleeping. He was even snoring lightly. At the end, he made some kind of sound and the nurse alerted us to the fact that this was it. We said our goodbyes and she asked the doctor what time should be recorded as the time of death. He said wait…his heart is still beating. His strong heart continued to beat for two more minutes. When it stopped, I looked at the clock and it was 11:17 pm – on 7-11-17. This still gives me chills.

The point of this post was to share how Rick impacted others through organ donation. Well, I am happy to report that his kidney (his only functioning kidney) went to a 62 year old man in Chicago. It is so fitting that Rick, who was so giving in life, was able to continue giving in death.

I hope I can meet the recipient some day.

Thankful

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday – well…it was.

As Thanksgiving 2017 approaches I wonder if I will feel the same celebrating without Rick.

In 1992, we started a 25 year tradition of hosting a big Turkey dinner for our families. Selfishly, it was a way for us to celebrate with both sides of the family. The two of us would get up at 5 am to stuff the largest turkey we could find and put it on the grill. The preparation actually began earlier in the week and I would usually experiment with a new side dish to try each year. As the kids got older, they helped also. Erik learned to make an awesome mashed potato casserole and homemade rolls and Annika helped by decorating and setting a beautiful table and she helped me test variations of a fall Sangria. The most special part of Thanksgiving for me was spending time with family. It was a day to kick back and eat, visit, laugh, and just enjoy each other’s company. The picture I picked for this post illustrates the laughter that was typical of our fun times as a family of four.

When I sold my dining room furniture in August, I knew that was the first step in accepting that my future Thanksgiving celebrations would be different. My family joked that I would be serving on TV trays but I knew that would not be the case. My mother in law graciously offered to host.

Nevertheless, with the help of my therapist and the blessing of my children, I have decided to spend the day in a different way. I am moving into a new home a couple days prior to the holiday and I will be taking the opportunity to spend some time focusing on myself. I will participate in the Chicago Turkey Trot 5K race with some friends followed by some post race adult beverages. After that, I will play it by ear. The planner in me is a bit terrified by this. Spontaneity is not my strong suit. I might watch some Netflix; I might unpack; I might have a good cry; I might do all of this or none of this. I suspect I will spend some time thinking about the new traditions I want to start on this special day, like hosting a “Friendsgiving” dinner party (first need to get a new dining room set) and using donations to support Share our Strength.

What is foremost on my mind this Thanksgiving is focusing on what I am thankful for:

A beautiful new home in Chicago close to my office.

My daughter Annika who has been there for me this summer, encouraging me and comforting me. She has been the best travel companion and roommate and we have had a blast comparing decorating plans for our new homes, watching “This is Us” together and sharing our fears and sorrows over wine.

My son Erik who inspires me every day with his courage and resilience. He has stepped up as the man of the house, looking out for me and worrying about me just like his dad did. He has had a million reasons to give up football and has stuck with it, excelling on the field and in the classroom.

A group of friends and family that have shown up just when I need them. Text messages; phone calls, cards, yoga, lifting weights in the early am, shopping, time at the lake, football games, dinners out, dinners in, house cleaning, running errands, a high school reunion where strangers welcomed me and became my friend, and wine. Life is just better with girlfriends and wine.

The skills and resources I have to succeed as a single woman. I vividly remember a sorority chapter meeting in my senior year where a sister stood up and eloquently shared with us how important it was to get our degree and to not be dependent on others. She shared her personal story of her mom suddenly being in a position of supporting her family on her own. I remember Rick telling me that he was attracted to my independence and how it had bothered him when a prior girlfriend had abandoned her friends and other interests to focus solely on their relationship. Until I was on my own, I took it for granted that I had the kind of skills and resources to succeed on my own. As I have read other widow’s stories I am struck by the overwhelming stories of hardship, family betrayal, loneliness and financial devastation. I am truly blessed that I have not had these types of challenges in the midst of my grief.

My husband Rick. I wish more than anything that I could have had one last hug and kiss. Instead, I am truly thankful to have loved and to have been loved by him for 27 years. Our joys outnumbered the sorrows and I have so many precious memories to hold dear.

It wasn’t hard to list the many blessings in my life, in fact there are many more. But doing so makes me pause. Is it normal to be happy and sad at the same time? Am I honoring my husband and his legacy sufficiently? Will I laugh again like I did in this picture? I know Rick would want me to laugh like that again. Until I do, I have much to smile about.

Is this Heaven?

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

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Rick’s favorite movie was Field of Dreams. I’d like to think it is because we saw it on our first date.  In my heart I know it had more to do with the story of Kevin Costner’s character meeting his father years after his father’s passing.  Rick was also a big fan of baseball.  He played in his younger days and even tried on his 1974 little league championship jacket about a year ago!

A couple of week’s after Rick passed, Annika and I drove to Ames, IA to move her out of her apartment.  On the way we visited the Field of Dreams ballpark and movie set in Dyers, Iowa.  And we have re-watched the movie many times.  And we cried, way more than Rick used to when he watched it.

I imagine Rick in heaven playing catch with his dad David, in the field of his dreams.

Our Love Story

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

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It all began in 1988 when Rick and I stood up in our mutual friends’ wedding. At the time, we were both dating other people but there was a connection nevertheless. Soon after the wedding, Rick called me…to get the phone number of a friend of mine. I was a bit disappointed even though I was dating someone at the time. By December of that year, my boyfriend and I had broken up and Rick called and asked me out. On our first date, we went to see Field of Dreams. I don’t remember much about our first date. We were both pretty shy and we continued to go out sporadically over the next 6 months. During the spring and summer, Rick did some remodeling at my condo. Unfortunately, that was about the only time I saw him. When he wasn’t working, he was busy playing softball or hanging out with his high school friends. The night he finished my kitchen remodel, I broke up with him.

Because we had many mutual friends, I would see Rick occasionally at parties or at the restaurant/bar that I worked at on weekends. Around January of 1990, 6 months after breaking up, Rick called me and asked me to go to Wisconsin for the weekend. I told him I was dating someone and we agreed that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. A couple of months later, my roommate and her boyfriend literally dragged me out of bed where I had been crying over the latest breakup with a guy name Doug. It was St. Patrick’s day and the three of us went downtown Chicago to have dinner. After that we went to our favorite Rush Street establishment, Hang Upps – a fun bar where they play current dance music upstairs and oldies (60s and 70s) downstairs. And yes, you guessed it. Rick was there.

From that night on, we were back together. Life was good – until it wasn’t. Once again, it seemed that Rick’s friends were more important. Although I was not happy with the situation, I didn’t want to break up with him. Since Rick and I didn’t have a commitment to date each other exclusively I decided that I was going to keep my options open and date other guys. Soon after, I started dating Scott, a guy I met at another friends wedding. Since he lived a couple of hours away, I was gone many weekends when Rick would call. My roommate started asking me what she was supposed to say when Rick called on the weekends. (this was pre-cell phone era).

In October of that year (1990) Rick and I and my roommate and her boyfriend planned a double date for Sweetest Day. I will never forget that night. Rick showed up with a dozen roses. I don’t know who was more shocked – my roommate MB or I. We had a great night and the next morning after the guys had left, MB shared with me that she had a dream that Rick and I got married. I can still remember the two of us giddy with laughter as neither of us could imagine that happening.

Well, obviously it happened. Rick and I fell in love that fall/winter. I remember him showering me with gifts at Christmas and we spent a romantic Valentines Day weekend in Galena Illinois at a fun place with a hot tub in the room. By spring, I was head over heels in love and I was ready for the next step.

I remember being on a business trip and telling my colleague Susie that I wanted to marry him. I shared with her that we had talked about it and that when I had asked him if he was going to propose, he said he was waiting for me to ask. She said something to the effect of, We’ll, you should ask him then! After giving this some thought, that is exactly what I did.

I won’t share ALL the details of my proposal, but I will say it did catch him off guard. He had to leave the room – just for a minute – and when he returned he said, yes, if that is what you want, yes.

That was June of 1991 and we married in March of 1992.

Fast forward to 2017 and 25 years of marriage.. a happy marriage, blessed with two wonderful children. After having many dreams that we were still dating, I shared with Rick my insecurities. I asked him if he would have eventually proposed if I had not. It took Rick a while to fully understand what I was asking. He could not believe that I was really doubting his love for me. I had a really hard time explaining to him that I felt cheated out of the proposal that I always dreamed about – even though it was my own impatience that led to my taking charge of the engagement. It was such a relief to share my insecurities with Rick, and we even talked about renewing our vows. (This made me think I would get that proposal after all!)

Considering our 25th anniversary was this year, it would have been perfect timing for the renewal of vows…However, I used our timeshare points for a mother/daughter trip to Spain to celebrate Annika’s graduation. And Rick was just getting back to a regular work schedule after 5 years of unemployment and sporadic work opportunities. It was a thought – but never happened.

After Rick died, I pulled out my journals from my younger days. I kept a journal through high school, college, and my 20’s all the way until my engagement. I had not read them since that time – in fact, I had them hidden for fear that someone would find them. There are some entries from college that I am not particularly proud of. Anyway, as I read the entries during 1989-91 it was SO amazing to read about the years Rick and I dated and fell in love. What struck me in particular were the entries leading up to our engagement. I wrote about two different guys that I had dated – Scott and Doug and how both of them told me I needed to be with Rick. WHAT????? Seriously -I do not recall these conversations with Doug or Scott but I wrote about it in my journal and obviously I said enough about Rick for them to understand he was the guy for me.

Two days after Rick passed away, a neighbor of mine who has a gift of communicating with the deceased contacted me to let me know that Rick had spoken to her. Although she has the abilities of a medium, it is not something she shares. She was worried that I would be freaked out by the contact. What Rick shared with her was this: He said, tell Julie that it was love at first sight. I always loved her smile and it was the best 27 years of my life. I have shared this message many times and every time I recall it, I melt in tears.

Rick, I am so sorry that both of us had such a hard time expressing our love for each other. Over the past couple of months, several friends have shared their observations of how you eyes lit up when you saw me. Just last week, my cousin shared with me how excited you were on our wedding day. I don’t know why I was so insecure to not see how much you loved me but now I do and I thank you for loving me and being such an amazing father to our children.

My hope is that you know how very much I loved you and that you know you are always in my heart. When we said “until death do us part”, I never imagined it would end so soon. Now I must wait until my time on earth ends to be reunited with you. Until then my love, I will see you in my dreams.

My Eulogy

Posted on by Julie in Maketym

To share a bit about Rick, here is what I shared at his funeral on 7-17-17:

In the hospital last week, we spent a lot of time sharing Rick stories like the ones you are hearing today. He truly was the best person I know. I joked that I would not have proposed to just anybody. Rick knows that after we married, I struggled with the fact that I never got an official proposal from him. He assured me many times that he had no regrets and we even spoke of renewing our vows this year, the year of our 25th anniversary. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that I heard him loud and clear when he told me that it was love at first sight for him and that our 27 years together were the best of his life. Thank you Rick for sending me that message.

I’ve never been a good listener. So many times I was only half listening and Rick knew it and tolerated it. In my defense, Rick did take forever to tell a story! Well Rick, I’m listening now and I want you to know that I hear you loud and clear. 7-11-17 are your numbers and will forever be etched in our memory. We know that you intentionally chose 11:17 pm to take your last breath. I hear you laughing about it. You were always clever that way and its why we always called you a smart ass. And yes, you would always say, it’s better than being a dumb ass. If I was into playing the lottery, I know what numbers I would pick. But I have not interest in the lottery as I won the lottery the day we met.

Together with God’s blessing we created two beautiful children. They are our legacy and I promise you that the three of us will always be here for each other and continue to make you proud. We are comforted to know that you are reunited with your dear Grandpa Rictor and your dear stepdad Joe who left us in 2007. I imagine you are getting reacquainted with your father David and making up for 50 lost years. Surely you are sharing your electrocution stories and shaking your heads at the irony. Just don’t try to one up him- his story is more “shocking” than yours! Please tell David that the kids and I are going to take good care of Alice and Dianna for him. You have made that possible.

Rick didn’t like to text and it took him some time to get used to his iPhone. I once texted him for 6 months with no response and thought nothing of it. Eventually I discovered I was texting his old number. After I fixed that, his response rate didn’t improve much. But thats ok. He preferred to talk and he sure had the gift for gab. He loved to tell stories and he would talk to anybody, sometimes embarrassing his kids in the process. Im going to miss hearing your voice Rick. Ive been looking for an old voicemail but can only seem to find pocket calls from you at work. I know you are laughing about that.

Rick was not a huge social media fan like me but he did have a “handle” or tag line if you will. “Maketym” It started with his license plate and was a daily reminder to friends and strangers alike. One of his first boss’ had a license plate that said no time. Rick believed there is always time for what is important. So when he bought his first brand new vehicle, a 1997 Tahoe, he purchased plates that said MakeTym. This was Rick’s philosophy in life and he walked the talk. He always put his family first, financially and with his time, love and attention. When the kids were 5 and 3 he quit his job and took a year to be a stay at home dad. (This was the year 2000 when such a thing was very rare). This was one of the years I worked as a food stamp investigator and he and the kids traveled with me on my business trips. It was the BEST year of our family life. Annika and Erik and I are so fortunate to have this and so MANY other great memories to hold dear. Amazing times in Hawaii, football games, enjoying sushi together, or just being together and laughing…often at the expense of me. There has always been plenty of laughter and because of Rick we are able to keep laughing even in our grief.

Rick was a friend to everyone and he did not hold grudges – even when he had every right to. When he got angry, he said so and then put it out of his head and moved on. I was always amazed by how quickly he could move on. He was also a big worrier and worried about things that made the kids and I roll our eyes. But we know that his worry was steeped in love and concern for us. His love for us was so pure, so deep, so strong, so unconditional. I know that we will always carry that love in our hearts.

Thank you Rick for blessing me and everyone here. I am a better person because of you and I am so proud to have been your wife for 25 years. I will love you forever.

Where is the Instruction Manual for Grief?

Posted on by Julie in Grief

Four months into my grief journey, I have done lots of reading.  Option B by Sheryl Sandberg has taught me about resilience and two different daily devotion books have brought me comfort as I meditate and reflect on this unique and new journey I am taking.  Still, I find myself searching these resources for rules on how I should be grieving.  I haven’t found it yet.

Am I making major decisions to fast?  Should I be crying more?  How do I provide the support my kids need in the midst of my own grief?  What is the best way to help myself heal after a devastating loss?  How do I ask for help when I don’t know what I need?  When is it okay to think about dating again?  Will I ever be totally healed?  These are some of the things I want to know!

I imagine these are some of the questions other widows think about on those sleepless nights laying in bed alone, where the gravity of our loved ones absence is so obvious.

Many of my readings have suggested not making major decisions in the first year.  Well, I blew that one.  One of the first things I did was purchase a condo in the city and I am preparing to sell our home of 13 years.  I know in my heart this is a good decision – I will no longer spend almost 4 hours a day commuting to and from work and I won’t have a home that is to big and to much work for me to maintain on my own. Still, this grief journey makes me doubt almost everything I do.  While I eagerly anticipate decorating my new place and making it my dream home, I also dread the day I leave my suburban home for good.  This wasn’t how I imagined life in my 50’s.

I suppose I would still doubt my decisions even if there was a rule book.  I guess what I’m really looking for is an easier way to navigate this thing called grief.  I’m pretty sure I won’t find that either.