It’s amazing how God is working miracles in my life. This past week was so gloomy for me – just like the weather. After much meditation and prayer, I finally deleted all the dating apps from my phone. Then knowing I could still log on via the computer, I deleted the accounts. Then panic set in and I signed up for two more (without paying the member fee). When I saw that I could not read messages, I deleted those as well. Despite the horrendous experiences I was having I can’t believe how hard this was.
It took several rejections, and me not handling it very well to realize that I really wasn’t ready to date. I’m still grieving the loss of the life I had with Rick and I am adjusting to living as a household of one. I was searching for the right guy to make me happy again instead of doing the things within my control that will bring me joy.
When my friend Jerry told me about a single 55 year old doctor he want’s me to meet, I told him not just yet, I’m busy working on me. Oh my goodness, I still can’t believe I said that. Who is this woman? I don’t recognize her! I can only explain it as a God thing.
On Saturday morning I woke up still feeling gloomy. After reaching out to my girlfriends and a trip to the salon for a cut and color I felt so much better. I settled in for the night and watched the second season of Queer Eye. Just like season one, this one did not disappoint. The stories of love and acceptance lifted my sprits even more. I slept well and had no trouble waking up this morning.
I visited a new church in my neighborhood and was welcomed warmly by so many members. The message was about identity and God’s love for us and building our foundation in a way that will make us strong when we are faced with life’s trials. I have paraphrased this in a way that does no justice to the amazing message Andy gave. But my point is this: The message really resonated with me – so much that I was moved to tears. It validated for me that I need to accept and love the identity that God gave me and to trust in his plan for me in this next phase of my life.
After church I attended the Chicago Gay Pride Parade. Talk about acceptance and being comfortable with your identity. It was so beautiful to see thousands of people in all shapes, colors and sizes wearing all kinds of crazy outfits (one wore tape only!) celebrating their identity in an accepting environment. Whether they were dancing in the parade or waving from the crowds, everyone was smiling and having fun.
As I watched the parade from a private party, I met some new friends. I really connected with one in particular, a fellow Fed who is also new to Chicago and healing from a broken relationship. As he hugged me he said, I am so glad I met you Julie. We are both going through similar situations and our friendship is going to be healing for both of us – and you don’t have to worry about me hitting on you cause I’m gay AF!
So I think I can do this. I have a new identity. I’m no longer Rick’s wife. I’m Julie, a single widow getting used to her new identity; a single woman, learning to accept this new version of herself.