A couple of weeks ago I attended a special worship opportunity at Trinity. It was called Prescense and it was about seeking the Holy Spirit. I asked for prayers of affirmation. I talked about the void I felt since Rick’s death and the broken relationships that followed. One prayer that really resonated with me was a prayer for God to speak to me in my dreams. I went home and wrote in my journal:
“Dear Julie, Stop trying to fix others. You have enough to fix about yourself. And while you are at it, don’t hold grudges. Air your grievances and then let it go. It’s not about you anyway.”
That night I didn’t sleep, waiting for God to speak to me, not realizing he already had.
At the time I had a certain relationship on my mind. I realized that I wanted that person to change – I wanted her to go to therapy so she could love me that way I needed her to. I wanted her to fix the hurt in her life so she would stop hurting me. I set up boundaries to protect myself from the judgment and pain. I miss her.
God was preparing me for an even bigger hurt. A finale to 8 months of falling in love. Two days later I learned that my boyfriend was dating other women.
I was blindsided. My prayer was for affirmation and what I got was rejection. Is this what an unanswered prayer is?
Some amazing girlfriends lifted me up and advised me to take time to think about how to handle the betrayal. I thought about how he might react and wondered if he would be honest with me. I reflected on prior conversatoins, looking for clues, looking for answers.
I didn’t want to let him go and started thinking of ways I could fix the relationship. Honestly, I wanted to fix him…I certainly didn’t need to change!
I decided to cut things off abruptly. I didn’t trust myself to hear his explanation. I realized he might not have any remorse and I knew that would add more salt to my wounds.
So now I work on me. I continue to pray for affirmation. But I realize now that affirmation needs to come from within and not from a relationship. Thank you God for hearing my prayer.
