Beauty from Ashes

I can get pretty emotional without much prompting so imagine the flood gates opening and the eruption of deep uncontrollable sobs. It wasn’t an agonizing cry like I experienced the night I realized Rick would not survive his accident. It was more of a joyful cry, tears streaming through my closed eyes feeling God’s presence in my heart and smiling as I pictured Rick at peace.   

As I stood on a hilltop in the beautiful jungle of Ecuador, I cried as a hundred men women and children played music and prayed over the land, asking for God’s blessing as we prepared to lay the foundation for a new church in Ongata.

This was the highlight of my week, during my first ever mission trip with 15 others from Creekside Church in Cumming, Georgia. The path to this moment started on 7-7-2017.

Two significant events happened that day. In Chicago, Rick, my beloved husband of 25 years, was at work just like any other day. He was preparing the footings in order to pour concrete for a home addition.  As he began to cut some lumber with a power saw, he was electrocuted and his lifeless body fell into a ditch he had previously dug.

Thousands of miles away, in Ecuador, Pastor Fabiola and her husband welcomed their first child to the world. They named her Febe, a female name of Greek origin meaning “bright”, “radiant” or “shining one”.  

Around seven years later, I was participating in a routine meeting focused on various missions that we support at Creekside church. Sandy, our Ecuador liaison, reported that our partner Pastor Fabiola had been ministering to around 40 children on the front porch of someone’s home in remote Ongata, Ecuador. Pastor Fabiola had a vision to plant a church in this community.  A church that could facilitate spreading the Good News to these children and their families and others in their community. She even had the perfect piece of land in mind but lacked the funding necessary,

I think I started writing the check before Sandy finished her report. Months later I learned that the purchase was complete and the closing date had occurred on Rick’s birthday!  Additional funds were donated from a missionary’s home church in Ireland and an architect was hired to prepare a blueprint.

Meanwhile, Creekside church leadership began to plan a mission trip to Misahualli Ecuador.  This used to be an annual trip where a team travels to provide support to Pastor Fabiola and her church and to several missionaries working at Jungle Kids for Christ and Antioch school.  Creekside had not traveled to Ecuador for over seven years. Plans were made for a July 2026 trip and I might have been the first one to sign up.

Our plan for the week included lessons, crafts and games for 60 children – on that front porch in Ongata. Then our afternoons would be spent across the street laying the foundation for the new church plant. On the day we departed from the US, we learned that the building permit was not yet in place so we were unsure what kind of work we would be doing. Turns out the permit was issued in God’s perfect timing and on our first work day we were able to dedicate the land and break ground.

It was quite an honor to break ground alongside Pastor Fabiola as Febe and Rick looked on. Glory be to God for creating beauty from ashes. 

  • pictured are Sandy and I from Creekside with Pastor Fabiola and her family, including her daughter Febe.

Butterfly Kisses

Dear Dad,

Guess what! I’m engaged!

The past few days have been filled with euphoria and excitement for my future with Nic, but it has also magnified the absence of you.

I wish so much that you could’ve been there. You were the one missing piece of an otherwise perfect proposal. Nic picked out the most beautiful setting and band to compliment the diamond you gave to mom.

In true Rick fashion, I could tell it was coming, I found some clues leading me to believe a ring might be under the tree. I didn’t want to ruin the surprise so I kept it (mostly) to myself. Nic did however, figure out I knew something. But he still caught me off guard by proposing at the beginning of the gift exchange at Kelli & Jim’s Christmas Eve party. Mom and Erik were right next to me and they were just as surprised as I was. (He told them he was proposing Christmas Day). Hannah even Facetimed Grandma and Aunt Dianna so they could be included, too.

Although I can’t imagine anything better than spending the rest of my life with Nic, I’ve somewhat dreaded a proposal because it would mean I had to plan the be there. The thought of you not walking me down the aisle or dancing to Butterfly Kisses with me just breaks my heart all over again.

In therapy, I’ve talked through what my wedding might look like without you physically there. I have a few perfect ways to incorporate you and your spirit in our dig day but it’s still going to be painful.

Rebecca Pearson put it best when she said “The happiest moments will also be a little sad”.

Love you infinitely, forever your little girl

A Gift to Myself

Tonight was my last night in an 8 week Grief Therapy group.  One of the things we were asked to bring for sharing was a gift we wanted to give to ourself, perhaps in the form of a letter.  I immediately knew I wanted to write something that would be affirming.  Something that would help me forgive myself.

The timing of this request was particularly difficult coming out of a week that was one of the happiest yet one of the most traumatic I’ve experienced.  It came at a time when I do not feel good about myself.   I feel stupid and embarrassed.  Naïve and afraid.  Sad and lonely.  To write this letter, I needed to dig deep and remind myself of how special I am.  I needed to give myself grace.  This is what I shared at therapy:

Dear Julie, 

Recently you decided to start dating.  You were nervous and despite hurting your family in the process you dove in.  You picked a reputable dating service (eHarmony) and you indicated a preference for International so you would be forced to take things slow and get to know someone at a distance.  You are a really smart woman.  It’s one of the things Rick loved about you.  You are also strong and demonstrated the kind of sweet vulnerability needed in order to find love again.

When an extremely good looking man named Robert from the UK contacted you, you felt like a school girl experiencing her first love.  As you got to know Robert through long conversations, you basked in the compliments and dreamed about the promises of exciting adventures.  You could not eat or sleep.  Thoughts of Robert consumed you.  Your friends immediately noticed a glow about you.  You felt more alive and more beautiful than you had since your wedding day.  When Robert told you he was coming to Chicago for a temporary work assignment you could not believe your good fortune.

Your girlfriends encouraged you and shared in your happiness yet offered to do some background checks to keep you safe.  Your friends are smart too.

Your dear friend Amy, also a widow, made the difficult call to let you know that Robert was a fraud.  Robert was using pictures of Marco Robinson, a model, actor, and author from the UK.  As you checked Marco’s Instagram, all the pictures of Robert popped up including the ones of him at his restaurant and the selfies that you thought had been snapped just for you.

As you came crashing down from your high you regretted telling so many that you had met someone special.  You were so ashamed and wanted to hide away at home and hibernate.  

This letter is about what makes you special Julie.  It’s really important that you know this truth even if the last time you heard it was from a con man.

You are strong and resilient.  You have faced plenty of adversity in your life.  Each time you have bounced back stronger than ever.  You have modeled this for your children and they too are resilient.

You are smart.  I said it earlier but I will say it again.  Because you are smart you have established an amazing career for yourself.  Because you are smart you did not divulge to much personal information to Robert and you would not have sent money to Robert if he had asked.

You are trusting.  You always believe the very best about others.  Because you have learned a valuable lesson in not extending trust too quickly, you will be more reserved in the future knowing that there are people in this world that cannot and should not be trusted.  

You are a visionary.  You have a passion for so many things and you are able to immediately build excitement around reaching goals even if you run into roadblocks along the way.  You know what you want and you go after it.

You are beautiful and you do not need a man to shower you with compliments or gifts to be reminded of this.  Likewise, you are loved.  You are loved by your family and so many friends.  You were loved by a kind and generous man for 27 years and another kind and generous man will find you someday and love you just the same.  Meanwhile, remind yourself of this daily by reading this letter.  It’s my gift to you.

Julie

(The picture is of Marco Robinson from his Instagram page marcorobinsonnow.  I did not request permission to use it but I did contact him to advise that his photos were being used by someone posing as Robert Jonas)