Over the past 6 weeks I have been working with a grief coach. The “grief recovery” program I have been using has involved a number of exercises leading to a completion letter. The goal of the completion letter is to become complete with everything that has been unfinished until now. The letter allows me to keep fond memories and all positive aspects of our relationship while saying goodbye to any pain, unmet hopes, dreams and expectations.
I am sharing my letter here because doing so is therapeutic for me. However, I have omitted a few things that are to personal to share and I’ve omitted one section that would cause to much pain to others if shared.
My dearest Rick,
Over the past year I’ve had lots of time to reflect on our relationship. I have so many things that I want to tell you.
Rick, I am so sorry that I didn’t make our marriage more of a priority. I took your love for granted and I didn’t clearly communicate my desires and disappointments. Nor did I take your needs seriously. I should have told you how important a proposal was to me and I should have done more to fulfill your needs in our relationship. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I didn’t work harder to understand your concerns with disciplining our children. I thought you were to hard on them but honestly I was to lenient and I should have met you part way.
I really regret that I didn’t speak up when I witnessed ……I suspect that you knew it wasn’t right. After all you had your doubts about ….. I’m sorry I didn’t speak up and I forgive you for not addressing this conflict.
I am also sorry that I did not push you to change careers. I should have shown more encouragement and support for you to return to school. I wish I had nagged you more about getting out of construction. I knew it was what you loved to do and you were so good at it and took pride in your work. I’m haunted by the fact that you would still be here if I had pushed for you to leave the construction industry.
I never really shared with you that I would have enjoyed the opportunity to retire early and not be the primary financial supporter of our family. I sometimes resented the fact that our best friends lived a more comfortable lifestyles due to the jobs the guys held. I forgive you for not being the kind of financial provider that I wanted.
In addition to the burden of being our family’s primary wage earner, I resented having such a long commute to work. I forgive you for not understanding how important it was to me to live closer to Chicago.
Now that I am on my own, I have my dream home in the city. I know it is not the location you wanted but I do think you would like it and I know you would be proud of all the decisions I am making.
I mourn the fact that we will not retire in Hawaii with you as we dreamed. The kids and I will be going back in April and we will spread your ashes. Maui was your favorite place and I think it will be the perfect resting place for you.
I really miss you and I am struggling now that I am living alone. I am lonely and feel so broken. Everyone tells me that I am so courageous but I don’t feel it. You know I have always had trouble getting up early. Now it is worse than ever. All I want to do is sleep and when I am awake all I want to do is eat and drink wine. I can’t concentrate at work and I have taken my anger out on loved ones when I haven’t felt supported.
I have tried to date and it has been a frustrating process. I have run into a number of fakes – the first one broke my heart and after that it was easier to spot them. Nevertheless, every time I do it makes me angry and sad. I had an amazing first and last date with a guy that I thought was perfect for me. But he rejected me and my vulnerable self didn’t take it very well. I went through a phase where I was settling – dating a 34 year old and others that were not on the same page as me. I convinced myself that I could handle the non-committal guys that just wanted to have fun. I couldn’t. I took a break for about 6 weeks. I tried some different sites this time only to find out they are all the same. In addition to consuming my time, I am left disappointed and depressed once again.
I found a new church in my new neighborhood. Every week the message really speaks to me. So, despite the hardships I am encountering, I look forward to church every week and leave feeling encouraged and at peace. I am learning to trust that God has a plan for me. He is greater than anything we can imagine. I know that you know that. I am thankful that you had faith in God and that you accepted Jesus as your savior. It brings me peace to know that you are in Heaven and I hope it as you imagined it after reading the book of Revelations. I can clearly remember you talking about that as your favorite book in the Bible.
Your death means I have a second chance at love and a second chance to work on mistakes I made in our relationship. I am praying for patience. This time I will not rush things like I did with you. When my next love finds me, I will be clear in expressing my needs and I will be sensitive to my partner’s needs. I want to thank you for the lessons I learned from our relationship.
I want you to know that I loved you so much. I am thankful for the beautiful children we created together. They miss you and love you so much. You were an amazing dad and they are amazing kids.. I want you to know how sad I am that you will not see Annika and Erik get married. I am even sadder that you will not be here to meet your grandchildren. I know you would have been an amazing grandpa. On the special days moving forward, you will always be in our heart and we will double our celebration to make up for your absence. I would like to think that you can see us and are able to rejoice in our happy moments from afar. What I do know is that your are forever in my heart.
I am thankful for 25 wonderful years of marriage and nearly 30 years of knowing you.. You were such an amazing friend, lover, and husband to me. You always put your family first and I am a better person having been loved by you. We are all carrying on your legacy to “MakeTym”. You touched so many lives when you were here on Earth and you continue to do so.
Rick, I will always love you and miss you. Good bye my love.
Julie