Hey Dad,
I’m sorry it’s been so long since my last letter. I know I am constantly searching for signs you’re around but it’s been a bit overwhelming trying to write to you again. So much has happened since you’ve been gone and I don’t know where to begin. Honestly, most days I can’t really believe I’ve made it this long without you.
Before I begin, I also want to apologize for how much of this letter is about Taylor Swift. I think you’ll understand why, though.
On the anniversary of your accident, I was lucky enough to spend the evening with my best friends seeing Taylor Swift at The Eras Tour. I know if you were here you would roll your eyes at how big of a deal it is to secure tickets to her current tour. I also know you would’ve been so excited I had that experience.
When Elaine got through the Ticketmaster queue and got tickets for 7-7-23, I was ecstatic. But I was also overwhelmingly sad. I knew this show was going to be a once in a lifetime opportunity. I also knew it would fall on the sixth anniversary of your accident and I’d likely be struggling. Thankfully, I have some of the best friends in the world and I knew they would be there the whole day helping me through all my feelings.
Going in, I knew it would be an emotional night but I had no idea how overwhelmed I would feel by your presence when she performed two particular songs.
I had a feeling she would do something special during our show since it was the day her re-released album Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) came out. I hoped she would play Long Live as a surprise song, but instead she included it in the Speak Now era set list. The song took on a whole new meaning to me as I screamed/cried/sang along with the other 70,000 Swifties in attendance. I will forever remember that moment and how I could feel your presence with me as she sang the bridge:
"Will you take a moment? Promise me this That you'll stand by me forever But if, God forbid, fate should step in And force us into a goodbye If you have children someday When they point to the pictures Please tell them my name"
So obviously I cried through the whole song. Then we got to the acoustic set where she performs a different surprise song each night. She chose “Never Grow Up” from Speak Now (Taylor’s Version). A lyric from that song goes “Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home; Remember the footsteps, remember the words said.” As you can imagine, I cried my way through that song as well. An image forever ingrained in my mind is you sitting at the kitchen island waiting for me to “surprise” you with a visit home from Ames. I wish I had known that was the last time I’d see you sitting there.
As I’m sure you remember, I’ve had Taylor’s music as a soundtrack to my life since she first started making music. I’ve always loved her music but it wasn’t until I had to navigate life without you, that her music spoke to me in a way it never had before. She has a song for every emotion and feeling I’ve felt over the last 6 years. She has the words when all I have are tears. Hearing these songs live transported me back in time. A time when you were still here and I had no idea the years left with you were numbered. I’ll leave you with one more song lyric that has resonated with me since I first heard it last October:
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye You were bigger than the whole sky You were more than just a short time And I've got a lot to pine about I've got a lot to live without
Until next time, I’ll be here missing you daily. I love you, Dad
Love, your pumpkin