Thankful

Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday – well…it was.

As Thanksgiving 2017 approaches I wonder if I will feel the same celebrating without Rick.

In 1992, we started a 25 year tradition of hosting a big Turkey dinner for our families. Selfishly, it was a way for us to celebrate with both sides of the family. The two of us would get up at 5 am to stuff the largest turkey we could find and put it on the grill. The preparation actually began earlier in the week and I would usually experiment with a new side dish to try each year. As the kids got older, they helped also. Erik learned to make an awesome mashed potato casserole and homemade rolls and Annika helped by decorating and setting a beautiful table and she helped me test variations of a fall Sangria. The most special part of Thanksgiving for me was spending time with family. It was a day to kick back and eat, visit, laugh, and just enjoy each other’s company. The picture I picked for this post illustrates the laughter that was typical of our fun times as a family of four.

When I sold my dining room furniture in August, I knew that was the first step in accepting that my future Thanksgiving celebrations would be different. My family joked that I would be serving on TV trays but I knew that would not be the case. My mother in law graciously offered to host.

Nevertheless, with the help of my therapist and the blessing of my children, I have decided to spend the day in a different way. I am moving into a new home a couple days prior to the holiday and I will be taking the opportunity to spend some time focusing on myself. I will participate in the Chicago Turkey Trot 5K race with some friends followed by some post race adult beverages. After that, I will play it by ear. The planner in me is a bit terrified by this. Spontaneity is not my strong suit. I might watch some Netflix; I might unpack; I might have a good cry; I might do all of this or none of this. I suspect I will spend some time thinking about the new traditions I want to start on this special day, like hosting a “Friendsgiving” dinner party (first need to get a new dining room set) and using donations to support Share our Strength.

What is foremost on my mind this Thanksgiving is focusing on what I am thankful for:

A beautiful new home in Chicago close to my office.

My daughter Annika who has been there for me this summer, encouraging me and comforting me. She has been the best travel companion and roommate and we have had a blast comparing decorating plans for our new homes, watching “This is Us” together and sharing our fears and sorrows over wine.

My son Erik who inspires me every day with his courage and resilience. He has stepped up as the man of the house, looking out for me and worrying about me just like his dad did. He has had a million reasons to give up football and has stuck with it, excelling on the field and in the classroom.

A group of friends and family that have shown up just when I need them. Text messages; phone calls, cards, yoga, lifting weights in the early am, shopping, time at the lake, football games, dinners out, dinners in, house cleaning, running errands, a high school reunion where strangers welcomed me and became my friend, and wine. Life is just better with girlfriends and wine.

The skills and resources I have to succeed as a single woman. I vividly remember a sorority chapter meeting in my senior year where a sister stood up and eloquently shared with us how important it was to get our degree and to not be dependent on others. She shared her personal story of her mom suddenly being in a position of supporting her family on her own. I remember Rick telling me that he was attracted to my independence and how it had bothered him when a prior girlfriend had abandoned her friends and other interests to focus solely on their relationship. Until I was on my own, I took it for granted that I had the kind of skills and resources to succeed on my own. As I have read other widow’s stories I am struck by the overwhelming stories of hardship, family betrayal, loneliness and financial devastation. I am truly blessed that I have not had these types of challenges in the midst of my grief.

My husband Rick. I wish more than anything that I could have had one last hug and kiss. Instead, I am truly thankful to have loved and to have been loved by him for 27 years. Our joys outnumbered the sorrows and I have so many precious memories to hold dear.

It wasn’t hard to list the many blessings in my life, in fact there are many more. But doing so makes me pause. Is it normal to be happy and sad at the same time? Am I honoring my husband and his legacy sufficiently? Will I laugh again like I did in this picture? I know Rick would want me to laugh like that again. Until I do, I have much to smile about.