How are you? It’s a common greeting. Whether one knows my story or not, I do like it when people ask.
Mostly I respond with a quick “I’m doing OK.” Because most of the time I am overwhelmed moving from one task to the next and I don’t have the TYM to stop and really engage in a full conversation about how I really am doing.
So this update is to share how I am doing, as of December 6, 2017.
I’m stressed: Moving in to a new home means learning many new things. Like forms to have a pet, even if its for two days; learning how to take the bus to work; learning what days are recycle days; did I remember to change my address for all the right places?; where will I park and should I keep my car?; how do I operate my new appliances?; where is the nearest grocery store and how can I manage what I need in one load? Oh, and it’s Christmas, when am I going to shop? I’m very organized and since I am so forgetful these days, all these changes are stressing me out. I’m going for a massage tomorrow which I really need.
I’m sad: Yesterday I attended a training and the instructor wrote the following on a flip chart to illustrate how the written word can be interpreted more than one way….”The last person I want to see is my spouse.” This triggered some emotions.
Last night I put up my Christmas tree. As I struggled to fully “fluff” the branches and get ALL the lights to work on my new pre-lit tree, I dissolved in tears wishing Rick were here to take care of the things I have no patience for. I gave up and read through the Christmas memory books that I have kept since 1992 while listening to Christmas music and cried harder remembering the special holidays we had going back 25 years.
The night before last I attended a Christmas concert by one of my favorite groups – Pentatonix. The show was great but my mind kept wandering to what Christmas means to me. It means hope, and joy and peace. I’m not feeling the kind of hope, joy, and peace that I felt a year ago.
But I do feel SOME joy: I love this picture of me and Erik and Annika. They are Rick’s greatest legacy and I am so thankful that God blessed me with such amazing children. I am looking forward to spending this weekend in Iowa with them and they will be with me on Christmas day. The three of us are experiencing such pain without Rick yet it has brought us even closer as a family. Talking with my children each day brings me joy and a reminder of how much I have to be grateful for. I am so proud of my children.
Despite the stress of moving, I also feel joy in having a new home where I feel like a queen. When I share with friends the conveniences and perks that I am enjoying at my new residence, a common response is “you deserve it!”. Although I’m sure the sentiment is well intended, I can’t help but think, do they think I deserve it because I lost my husband? What I do know is my friends are so loving and so empathetic… they want to take away my pain but they don’t know how.
I’m grateful: Last weekend, one of my best friends, “aka a BESTIE” spent a good part of the weekend with me. It was so great spending time with her and it wasn’t just because of the great donut shop we found. She mentioned to me, “you know Julie, it has been many years since just the two of us have hung out together.” She was right. We spent many hours together in our single days and even went on a cruise together. Once we got married and had children our times together were less frequent and accompanied by our families and/or other friends. Thank you Susie, for the precious girl time you shared with me. I love you so much.
I’m also grateful for an encounter I had last weekend with a former pastor of mine. When I attended church in Aurora many years ago, I was blessed to have Pastor Linda as a mentor and friend. She taught me many things through a bible study and she baptized Annika. When she left Aurora for an assignment in Woodridge IL I was heartbroken. Turns out she transferred again to a church in Chicago and it is only 2 miles from my new home. When I saw her last Sunday, she greeted me with a wonderful hug and she shared how sorry she was to hear about Rick. Reuniting with Pastor Linda feels like a sign from God that everything is going to be okay.
So how am I? I’m okay. Thank you for asking.
