Tonight I’m doing laundry. Its my least favorite chore and one I have had to do EVERY SINGLE WEEK since Rick passed away. Yeah, it really sucks. At his visitation friends and family frequently offered their help with anything I might need. In the last and 7th hour of the wake I was feeling snarky and when one of Erik’s friends said, “if there is anything you need…” I quickly asked, “Would you do my laundry?” The poor kid was so shocked I thought he was going to faint.
As I emptied my laundry basket tonight, laying in the bottom was a dinner receipt from a 2016 trip Rick and I took to Cabo Mexico. Hmmm…I have no idea how it landed there but I would like to think it’s a sign from heaven. Is this Rick’s way of telling me “you got this babe!”?
I consider myself a pretty confident person but we all have our insecurities. Two days before Rick’s accident, I finished an amazing book called “She Liked Her Life”. The story was told from the perspective of the mom who had died, the daughter and the widower. I was fascinated with the story and after Rick passed I contacted the author asking her if she would tell Ricks story. She politely declined and gave me some suggestions on how I might proceed.
Fast forward to a month ago when I had the idea to write a book about the history of 3750 Lake Shore Drive. As I excitedly shared the idea with a colleague who has published two fictional novels I suggested that we collaborate on the project – I would do the research and write the facts and he could do a companion piece: A fictional story to go with the setting. He politely declined.
That night it dawned on me. I wanted to write but I didn’t have the confidence in myself to do it on my own. Even after starting this blog and getting such positive feedback, I still didn’t think I was cut out to be a “real” author. I admit I’m still a bit unsure but I plan to take some classes that will surely help me sharpen my skills.
Rick was pretty confident also. He was so darn smart. I remember one of our mutual friends saying how frustrating it was that he knew something about everything. I have to admit, he really did know something about everything- and it got annoying as he always seemed to be the one who was “right”.
The first time I truly saw insecurity in Rick was just a month before his accident. After being unemployed for a couple of years and with sporadic job opportunities after that, he had talked about going back to school. There was always an excuse – we were waiting to see if we would move to Denver; we couldn’t afford it; a new concrete job was opening up that would keep him busy. I didn’t want to nag but I finally asked him one day why he wasn’t pursuing some of the options we had discussed. I asked him point blank if he was afraid. I think he was taken aback and he went to the garage to have a smoke. When he came back inside he said, “Julie, you hit the nail on the head. I don’t have the confidence in myself to start something new.”
Rick was such an expert in the concrete industry it was hard for him to imagine himself doing anything different.
I can certainly relate.
