One of the books that I have read since Rick’s passing is “Option B” by Sheryl Sandburg. One thing from her book that really resonated with me was her story about someone telling her “It could be worse.” In her situation, “worse” would have been if her husband had been driving with the children when he had his heart attack.
When I reflect on my situation I think about several worst case scenarios. Rick could have died when the kids were young and they would have missed out on getting to know what a great dad he was; I could have been left destitute without life insurance or savings. If I let my imagination run wild I can think of plenty of horrific examples, however, one scenario keeps popping up. Divorce.
I had dinner with a friend shortly after Rick’s death. This friend is going through a divorce and I could feel that we were both experiencing our own pain from relationships that have ended. Trying to console him, I said something to the effect of “I think your situation is worse than mine; I didn’t have a choice in losing my husband, but in divorce, the other person is gone, but they are still around, having rejected you.” Ouch!!! That’s exactly what he said to me. “Ouch Julie. That hurt”.
If I had chosen my words more carefully, I would have obviously been more eloquent and caring.
A high school friend of mine said it better. Her husband left her just before their 25th anniversary. She recently texted me to let me know she had read my posts here on maketym.com and she shared how reading my blog brought back memories of her divorce. Except, she wasn’t allowed or able to grieve in the same way. She was discarded, left behind to deal with lawyers and insults. These are her words. Reading this broke my heart and I thought about another friend of mine that divorced a few years ago. I didn’t know what to say to her, just as many don’t know what to say to me. We talked about the rubber tree plant that a couple of us had given her at her wedding shower and when she said she still had it, I cracked a joke about it lasting longer than the marriage. Yeah. I know. “Ouch Julie, That hurt.”
Thankfully, both of these friends know me and my sarcasm well enough to know that I did not intend to be hurtful. Sometimes my words don’t match my intent and every once in a while my jokes are not funny. At least that is what my kids say.
But what about divorce vs death? Is one worse than the other? I think it depends. I’ve read stories from other widows who were relieved that their spouse was gone; for them, it was an escape from abuse or an unhealthy relationship. I also know that some divorces are truly amicable and the best outcome for the particular situation at hand. While other divorces are riddled with such hatred and resentment that the resulting heartache can lead to dreadful, hurtful behavior. One of my wise friends says, hurting people hurt others. This is so true and we have all seen this.
This is what I do know. When a relationship ends, we experience a myriad of emotions. Grief, sorrow, anger, fear, and even relief and joy. I imagine the control or lack there of in ending the relationship plays a part in these emotions as well. Did I want this? Could I have done something to prevent it? Whatever the cause, we grieve. The end of a life. The end of a marriage. The end of a dream. Grief is grief and while it can always be worse, we can help those that are grieving with a simple caring message.
To my divorced and widowed friends, I am sorry for your loss. Even though it could be worse – it is bad enough and I am sorry you are in pain.
*** the picture is purely for attention. Go Vikings!!
