Month: February 2018

Look for a message on Monday

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

Monday’s are not a favorite of mine and today was no exception.  After a lonely 3 day weekend, I was in full depression mode when I woke up.  I cancelled my 9 am and went back to bed.  After an hour of tossing and turning and feeling guilty about the other meetings on my calendar I finally got up and dragged myself to work.  As I was getting on the elevator at the office I noticed a yellow slip of paper on the ground.  It said “Look for a message on Monday”.

Hmmm.  I’m always looking for signs and since I went to such a great effort to go to work, I immediately thought that message was meant just for me.

It was a pretty busy day filled with meetings and catching up with staff that I had not connected with in weeks.  Still, my mind kept wandering back to the note.  I thought about my home and the five showings on Sunday.  Maybe my realtor was working up an offer!  I texted her and she said she was in training all day but planned to follow up on all the showings.

So that got me stressing about my renovation project and wondering how I will pay for it without the equity from my home.  And then I started stressing about the color of the cuddle chair for my living room.  Do I really want sage?  I wish it came in navy blue.  And will the benches in my dining room be the same height as a chair?  I frantically texted my decorator who probably thinks I’m crazy.

Get back to work Julie.  You have a million messages to tend to.  One from LinkedIn is intriguing.  McDonalds is looking for a Government Relations Manager.  I read the qualifications and it sounds perfect.  And my brother can put in a good word for me.  Is this the message?  With two years to go till I get my government pension and health benefits for life, this can’t be it.  The timing is off.

So while I’m on LinkedIn I see a page full of suggested contacts and I take a few minutes to review suggested connections.  I see several several colleagues and associates that I am familiar with.  Then I see him.  LInkedIn thinks I should connect with an ex boyfriend from college.  It is tempting – He is still handsome and I understand from Facebook that he is single.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.  If he wants to contact me he can find me.

At 5:15 I call it quits for the day and head to Target for some dish soap and groceries.  Rick would be appalled to know there is a sink full of dirty dishes.  I pass a lady carrying a rolled up carpet that looks just like the pattern I picked out with my designer.   I make a mental note to share this information with my designer and then head to the grocery section looking for a rotisserie chicken and then it hits me.  WTF!  You are in Target, not a full service grocery store.

So I head home and pick up the mail.  Included is an envelope from my attorney.  This is it, I think.  I am finally getting the workman’s comp settlement and I can rest easy about the house selling.  Nope.  Just a request to fill out paperwork authorizing the workman’s comp attorneys to access Rick’s health records. Really?  It took you 23 weeks to ask?

Off to the grocery store I go because I really want chicken noodle soup and I need that rotisserie chicken.  The trip is uneventful – no “messages”.   While eating I watch the Bachelor.  That was a waste of an hour of my life.  After I eat I get a Facebook message from a dear friend  I met in Europe.  At first I think she has been hacked since I got a strange message earlier from another friend.  Turns out the message is legitimate and I learn that my friend is dealing with some serious stress in her life.

Maybe that is the message.  Maybe I need to get over myself.  Stop feeling sorry for myself.  Everyone is dealing with shit.  Lost jobs, unfair treatment, health problems.  Not that losing my husband isn’t way up there on the list of top stressors  – but it happened and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  My reality now is that I am a single empty nester.  I hate that.  I absolutely hate it.

So all day I have been searching for a message.  Something to make me feel as though I’m not losing my mind.  Something that will bring me hope.  The kind of hope that will help me spring out of bed at the sound of the alarm, ready to face my day regardless of what day it is.  If might take me a while.  After all, after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says “WTF”!

 

I made a new friend!

Posted on by Julie in new beginnings

Growing up, my family moved every few years.  I always dreaded that first day in a new school.  I was terribly shy and worried about who I would sit with at lunch.  It always worked out and when it did, I can clearly remember that glorious feeling of making a new friend.  I’ve made many friends since those grade school days but it wasn’t until recently that I experienced that joyous feeling — the feeling of relief on the first day in a new place, knowing that it’s going to be okay.

I am blessed to have so many wonderful friends in my life.  Friends all over the United States that I met through school and work.  College friends, sorority sisters, neighbors, church friends, girl scout friends, parents of my children’s friends, even friends I made on the internet by being a Skimmbassador.  http://theskimm.com/?r=05119132   (Shameless plug!)

I lost my best friend and that has rocked my world in unimaginable ways.   Coupled with my recent move, I’ve been lonelier than ever.  While I no longer worry about who to eat lunch with, I am on my own in a new place.  My friends are only a phone call or text away but I miss having my best friend to have dinner with and to talk about our days, among other things. Facebook, FaceTime, and lunch dates are great but it’s not the same.  It will never be the same.

Yet my friendships are stronger than ever and I could not be more grateful.. While my besties (pictured here) are my lifelong friends that know me better than anyone, my neighbor friends are in a special class of their own.  These are the friends that jump into action at the first moment of need.  We cook for each other; we run errands for each other; we have coffee together; we drink wine together on our decks; we play Bunco religiously every month; we work out together; we have dinner parties; we attend funerals and weddings and graduations together; we travel together.  A few of them are going to bartend for me at my upcoming black tie anniversary party.  I love them so.  We are a community.

Why in the world did I move away from such a wonderful neighborhood where I have such an incredible support network of friends?  Whoever buys my home in Oswego is in for a treat and I’m not even charging extra for the amazing friends they are going to meet.

So when I met a new friend earlier this week, a friend just one floor below me, I felt that same excitement as I did after my first day of fourth grade in Fayetteville, Arkansas.  Mind you, I have not met this new neighbor in person but as soon as I read her bio we briefly chatted over Facebook messenger.   Now I cannot wait for her to move in.  Like me, she is a single, empty nester career woman with college kids.  And according to her Instagram she is a foodie and wine lover.  Sounds like a match made in heaven, right?

While I love my new building, I would guess the average owner is around 75 and retired.  OK – I’m exaggerating and I have nothing against older friends – in fact, I really enjoyed meeting many neighbors at the holiday party and one older gentleman planted the idea of a progressive dinner party for everyone in the “C/D Tier” and I’m all over that!   However, when I think of my closest friends I think about girlfriends that I can call in a pinch – ones that will drink wine with me while I cry about how unfair it is to be a widow at age 53; friends that will never tire of me sharing stories of Rick.   So you can imagine my excitement to be able to find a new friend my age in my new neighborhood with some common interests.

If she reads this I hope she won’t be creeped out by my instant womance (that is the female version of bromance by the way) and I hope she doesn’t feel pressured to live up to the high standards that my Gates Creek gals have set.  Who knows… when we meet, one of us may decide there is just no chemistry for a womance but for now, I am excited by the possibility.  And if things work out,  I can call my mom and say, “Guess what mom!  I made a new friend!”

 

I miss you

Posted on by Julie in Grief

Dear Rick,

After a week of sleeping in, it’s the night before I go back to work and I am laying awake willing myself to get some sleep before the alarm goes off at 5.  I will hit the snooze as you know.  I’m still not a morning person.  I know how much that annoyed you and I would give anything to see your face in the morning even if it’s an irritated plea for me to get up at the sound of the first alarm.

I worked on our taxes today and had to change my status to widowed.  Turbotax sends their condolences.

I also worked on setting up more repairs for the sale of our Oswego home.  With the help of our friend Tim, the place looks brand new.  With the help of our friend Rebecca it is under contract and she is getting me a fair price for it.  And our neighbors are clearing the snow for us until it is officially sold.  I am so thankful for everyone’s help as I navigate this stuff on my own.

Last night I was at your sisters for bunco.  It was good to see all of our friends but it was hard for me thinking that you should be there also.  I retreated upstairs briefly when I felt the tears coming on.  I texted Erik and he came and picked me up.  He got me safely home in the snowstorm while I had a good drunk cry.  He is such a caring and helpful young man – just like you.  I want you to know how much he has grown up so much since your death.   He is taking good care of me and also being a responsible student.  This morning, he cleared two feet of snow off my car and took me to the store.  We talked about financial security and he assured me that you and I have taught him how important it is for him to live within his means.  He has expensive taste but he plans on getting a good job when he graduates.  Next week he is getting a mental toughness award from the National Football Federation and I just need to believe that you will be with us at Halas Hall as he gives his acceptance speech.

Your “Pumpkin” is doing awesome also.  She got a job and she is coming to visit me this weekend.  Can you believe she will soon be 23 years old!?  She is making me go to the gym with her – I need that push as I’ve gotten out of my fitness routine.  To thank her I will offer to take her out for ice cream but I imagine she will be giving that up for Lent.  She is working so hard to manage her grief and I am so amazed at her strength.  I know you are so proud of her and I want you to know I am trying to be here for her in the way you were.  You were the person she could count on when she just needed to talk and needed someone to listen and not try to fix things for her.

And I am doing the best I know how.

Last night I dreamt (again) that you were really alive.  It was all a big mistake and you assured me that you had corrected the death certificate paperwork.  Probably because I dreamt another time that you could not get your drivers license renewed because I had filed a death certificate with the Secretary of State.   While these dreams bring me moments of joy the reality that sets in when I wake up leaves me depressed all day.  As each day goes by I am plagued by a deeper sadness and I am afraid.   I fear that I will forget your smile and your touch.  I fear that I won’t find joy again or if I do, I fear it will erase the joyous memories I had with you.

I pray every day that the kids and I  can find peace in the wonderful memories we have.  Thank you for being such a wonderful husband and father.

I miss you so much.

Love,

Julie

Vacation

Posted on by Julie in Maketym, Uncategorized, vacation

Dearest Rick,

Back home it is snowing and everyone is growing weary of the cold.  I’m not sure if the groundhog saw his shadow last week but I am sure that spring will not be here fast enough.

Here in Florida I am enjoying time away catching up with my parents.  We had lunch and sangria with   Uncle Lee and Aunt Linda yesterday.  Today I visited with Aunt Bev and Uncle Bob and we had dinner with my cousin Stephanie who is town on business.   It is perfect pool weather and I have taken nice long walks and had time to start reading a book.  I only checked my work email once so far – I can’t help it you know.  It will make it easier to jump back in when I return to work on Monday.

Life has been moving so fast.  I’ve been looking forward to this break to read, rest and relax.  I was looking forward to a change of scenery to help take my mind off of life without you.  But there are reminders of you everywhere.  I see you in the pool lifting the kids on your shoulders and launching them and smiling as they land with a big splash and lots of laughter.  I see you knocking on the bathroom window while I shower, trying to prank me.  I see us playing pinochle with mom and dad as the kids watch TV on the air mattress in the front room.  I see you walking around Westwind in your shorts while all the snowbirds have jackets on because it dropped below 70 degrees.  You are proudly telling them you are from up north.  It isn’t obvious with your year round tan, a benefit of working outside each day.

When I went to sleep last night, I longed for you to surprise me in the middle of the night, like you did on Fathers day so many years ago when the kids and I were here for two weeks.  At the time I thought I was dreaming and when I realized you were really standing there, it was one of the sweetest surprises of my life.  It was the perfect example of how you made tym for me and the kids.

Life is so much harder without you.  Selling the house, buying property, inspections, home repairs, remodeling contracts, doing the taxes, and yes, even the laundry.

Vacationing without you shouldn’t be hard too.  But it is.  I’m grateful for the many wonderful vacations we took to Hawaii , Mexico and Florida.  I have lots of sweet memories from those wonderful trips.        There will be no new memories to make with you having fun in the sun so I will cling to the old memories as I work on my tan.

Love,

Julie

 

What is Grief?

Posted on by Annika Mikkelson in Uncategorized

 

No one ever taught me how you are supposed to grieve or how to deal with the loss of a parent. It is a difficult topic to discuss so it’s easier just to avoid it.

Grief is defined as deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death. This definition seems too straightforward for me. Grief is different for everyone. No two people grieve in the exact same way and loss doesn’t affect people in the same way, even if they have lost the same person.

This is something I have especially struggled with. I tend to compare myself to those around me in situations where I don’t know how to react or respond, and grieving the loss of my dad qualifies as one of those situations. So not knowing how to deal with this loss, I compared myself to my family to get an idea of how I needed to be grieving this tremendous loss. That didn’t get me very far because we are all coping differently and in our separate ways.

So how am I grieving?

Well, my answer has changed slightly since I began seeing a therapist. Before starting therapy, I didn’t think I was really dealing with my grief at all. I wouldn’t bring up my dad very much because it made me too upset. I avoided thinking about the future because I didn’t want to imagine him not being here for it. I didn’t want to believe he was really gone, so I tried not to. I reflected on the good times I had with him through smiles and tears but for the most part I tried to keep myself busy (which is really difficult when you don’t have a full-time job btw) to avoid wallowing in my sadness and heartbreak.

I have always been my own harshest critic, and this process has been no different. I still don’t think I am grieving “well”, but with reassurance from my therapist, I am grieving the best way I can at this point. I haven’t turned to drugs or alcohol to drown my sorrows. I haven’t isolated myself from friends and family, I haven’t become suicidal or thought of harming myself in any way. Overall I am dealing with the grief in a pretty healthy way… so why do I feel like I’m not grieving properly? Probably because grief is so different for everyone and there is no way right way to do it.

Therapy has helped me to realize that just because I am doing well doesn’t mean I need to feel well. I still break down and cry when I think of my dad’s absence. The thought of him not walking me down the aisle someday is unbearable and it breaks my heart to know he won’t have the chance to be the awesome grandpa I imagined he would be. Milestones will be the hardest to deal with and his absence will always be felt the most in my best and worst moments. We will have to celebrate birthdays, graduations, and other accomplishments when celebrating is the last thing on our minds. As Rebecca Pearson said, “the happiest moments will also be a little sad.”

While I might always feel like I can be grieving differently or coping with this loss in a better way, I know I am doing the best I can.