No one ever taught me how you are supposed to grieve or how to deal with the loss of a parent. It is a difficult topic to discuss so it’s easier just to avoid it.
Grief is defined as deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death. This definition seems too straightforward for me. Grief is different for everyone. No two people grieve in the exact same way and loss doesn’t affect people in the same way, even if they have lost the same person.
This is something I have especially struggled with. I tend to compare myself to those around me in situations where I don’t know how to react or respond, and grieving the loss of my dad qualifies as one of those situations. So not knowing how to deal with this loss, I compared myself to my family to get an idea of how I needed to be grieving this tremendous loss. That didn’t get me very far because we are all coping differently and in our separate ways.
So how am I grieving?
Well, my answer has changed slightly since I began seeing a therapist. Before starting therapy, I didn’t think I was really dealing with my grief at all. I wouldn’t bring up my dad very much because it made me too upset. I avoided thinking about the future because I didn’t want to imagine him not being here for it. I didn’t want to believe he was really gone, so I tried not to. I reflected on the good times I had with him through smiles and tears but for the most part I tried to keep myself busy (which is really difficult when you don’t have a full-time job btw) to avoid wallowing in my sadness and heartbreak.
I have always been my own harshest critic, and this process has been no different. I still don’t think I am grieving “well”, but with reassurance from my therapist, I am grieving the best way I can at this point. I haven’t turned to drugs or alcohol to drown my sorrows. I haven’t isolated myself from friends and family, I haven’t become suicidal or thought of harming myself in any way. Overall I am dealing with the grief in a pretty healthy way… so why do I feel like I’m not grieving properly? Probably because grief is so different for everyone and there is no way right way to do it.
Therapy has helped me to realize that just because I am doing well doesn’t mean I need to feel well. I still break down and cry when I think of my dad’s absence. The thought of him not walking me down the aisle someday is unbearable and it breaks my heart to know he won’t have the chance to be the awesome grandpa I imagined he would be. Milestones will be the hardest to deal with and his absence will always be felt the most in my best and worst moments. We will have to celebrate birthdays, graduations, and other accomplishments when celebrating is the last thing on our minds. As Rebecca Pearson said, “the happiest moments will also be a little sad.”
While I might always feel like I can be grieving differently or coping with this loss in a better way, I know I am doing the best I can.
