Dear Rick,
After a week of sleeping in, it’s the night before I go back to work and I am laying awake willing myself to get some sleep before the alarm goes off at 5. I will hit the snooze as you know. I’m still not a morning person. I know how much that annoyed you and I would give anything to see your face in the morning even if it’s an irritated plea for me to get up at the sound of the first alarm.
I worked on our taxes today and had to change my status to widowed. Turbotax sends their condolences.
I also worked on setting up more repairs for the sale of our Oswego home. With the help of our friend Tim, the place looks brand new. With the help of our friend Rebecca it is under contract and she is getting me a fair price for it. And our neighbors are clearing the snow for us until it is officially sold. I am so thankful for everyone’s help as I navigate this stuff on my own.
Last night I was at your sisters for bunco. It was good to see all of our friends but it was hard for me thinking that you should be there also. I retreated upstairs briefly when I felt the tears coming on. I texted Erik and he came and picked me up. He got me safely home in the snowstorm while I had a good drunk cry. He is such a caring and helpful young man – just like you. I want you to know how much he has grown up so much since your death. He is taking good care of me and also being a responsible student. This morning, he cleared two feet of snow off my car and took me to the store. We talked about financial security and he assured me that you and I have taught him how important it is for him to live within his means. He has expensive taste but he plans on getting a good job when he graduates. Next week he is getting a mental toughness award from the National Football Federation and I just need to believe that you will be with us at Halas Hall as he gives his acceptance speech.
Your “Pumpkin” is doing awesome also. She got a job and she is coming to visit me this weekend. Can you believe she will soon be 23 years old!? She is making me go to the gym with her – I need that push as I’ve gotten out of my fitness routine. To thank her I will offer to take her out for ice cream but I imagine she will be giving that up for Lent. She is working so hard to manage her grief and I am so amazed at her strength. I know you are so proud of her and I want you to know I am trying to be here for her in the way you were. You were the person she could count on when she just needed to talk and needed someone to listen and not try to fix things for her.
And I am doing the best I know how.
Last night I dreamt (again) that you were really alive. It was all a big mistake and you assured me that you had corrected the death certificate paperwork. Probably because I dreamt another time that you could not get your drivers license renewed because I had filed a death certificate with the Secretary of State. While these dreams bring me moments of joy the reality that sets in when I wake up leaves me depressed all day. As each day goes by I am plagued by a deeper sadness and I am afraid. I fear that I will forget your smile and your touch. I fear that I won’t find joy again or if I do, I fear it will erase the joyous memories I had with you.
I pray every day that the kids and I can find peace in the wonderful memories we have. Thank you for being such a wonderful husband and father.
I miss you so much.
Love,
Julie
