Month: March 2018

Mikkelson Party

Posted on by Julie in Anniversary, Maketym

Celebrating his birthday without him was hard.  Thanksgiving and Christmas, also hard.  New Years and St. Patty’s day – hard because those days carry special meaning to our relationship.  Second only to the most special day of all – March 28, our Wedding day.  How do you celebrate the anniversary of your wedding day when you are no longer a party of 2?

Obviously there will not be a romantic dinner for two, a special vacation or an exchange of cards or flowers or gifts or a good morning Happy Anniversary hug and kiss.  So how do you celebrate the sweet memories and 25 years and 104 days of marriage?  Till “death do us part” became my reality and the end of his life means the end of our marriage.  And the end of a marriage means the end of anniversary celebrations of that marriage.

I’m not ready to stop celebrating.  So this year I chose to host a celebration of Rick’s life and invited our wedding party, and our closest family and friends that were part of our special day in 1992 to join me and my children in toasting Rick.

It was a magical night.  Friends and family traveled from California, Florida, Minnesota, New Jersey, and Ohio.  My bestie Kelly arranged the most beautiful floral arrangements, complete with my favorite calla lilies.  My bestie Mitch brought a special bottle of wine from our Party of 6 weekend in Napa.  Girlfriends from Oswego tended bar and mixed up a great signature cocktail – a Ricki Tiki Tym – vodka and Arnold Palmer mix for my guy that loved to golf.  We played music from our 1992 wedding and many of Rick’s favorites from the BoDeans.

I felt beautiful, dressed in a blue gown with my hair and make up perfect.  Walking in to the party felt a lot like walking down the aisle 26 years ago to meet my groom.  The nervous excitement was even similar.  And it wasn’t sad walking in to meet my friends instead of my lover.  I felt loved.  Loved by my children, family and closest friends.  Their support means I’m not a party of one.  I’m a party of many.

As I raised my glass to toast my husband the tears did flow.  I wasn’t able to be as eloquent and poised as I wanted to be but I was able to verbalize my love and appreciation for the man who loved me fiercely and left me with so many sweet memories and a reminder to make tym for what is important in life.  Most importantly, he left me with his greatest legacy — our two beautiful children.  Just like their father, they are kind, funny, loving and the most important part of my life.

Speaking of which, after the party the three of us hung out in my apartment.  They played pranks on me and we laughed and celebrated our time as a party of 3.

Cloudy and gloomy with a chance of sunshine

Posted on by Julie in depression, Grief, sleep

In the many leadership courses I have taken, there is often a discussion of the relationship to nature vs nurture in determining someone’s leadership abilities.  Like leadership, I think depression can be attributed to nature as well as the influence of the environment.

Several years before Rick’s accident, my OB/GYN nurse midwife subscribed an anti-depressant for me.  I took it for two weeks a month.  The thought was to help me manage symptoms that appeared to be pre-menstrual.  Eventually after consulting with my doctor, he suggested I take an anti-depressant daily.  He explained that a daily dose would be more effective in managing the mild depression I was experiencing.

This worked well.  Then life got busy.  I didn’t schedule my annual physical and my prescription could not be renewed.  I figured it was a good opportunity to wean myself off the meds.  After all, I was going through menopause and figured I no longer needed help managing my depression.   I was wrong.

I experienced some mild physical symptoms and emotionally I was a wreck.  Erik was home recuperating from back surgery.  We had a big fight – about what I do not recall.  I started having suicidal thoughts and said hurtful things that scared my family.  Instead of dealing with my own issues, I kicked Erik out of the house.  I didn’t even consult with Rick.  I just did it and was not open to reasoning with anyone.  Rick tried to convince me that I should work it out with Erik or at least let him be home while I was away.  I didn’t budge.

Eventually I went back on my meds and things got better.  Not just better, practically perfect.  Erik returned to football, Annika graduated from college with honors and was making plans to start her life with Nic. Rick and I celebrated our 25th Anniversary. Rick had new work opportunities opening up and I got an amazing job assignment in San Francisco that gave me a new challenge and a better outlook on my career.  We had the best weekend ever with our besties.

After Rick died, my physician recommended grief counseling and an increase in dosage.  I did both.  I did a few sessions of individual therapy but decided group therapy might be better.

I found a grief group here in the city.  After the first night I was skeptical.  I had expectations of meeting other widows and widowers that could relate to what I was feeling.  Instead, the group is made up of women young enough to be my daughters.  They have all lost a mother or sister and I was the only widow.  All of them lost their loved one to cancer or another illness and I was the only one who experienced a sudden loss from a senseless accident.

Last night was our second week together and I was pleasantly surprised.  Our losses and ages may differ greatly but our experiences are so similar.  We shared our sleep issues, our lack of energy, how unreal death seems, and our desires for signals or conversations with our loved one.  I was touched by the tears of another member who could not get over how much she could relate to what others were sharing.  She didn’t feel so alone.

Prior to medication, I would have days where I just wanted to escape from the world.  The kind where all I did was shut myself inside, sleeping in a dark room, rising only to eat junk food and then returning to bed.  With medication and grief support, these bouts of depression are fewer and far between.  Before today, I cannot recall when the last one was or even if it was before Rick’s death or after.

I suppose I saw it coming.  Mornings are hard enough without Daylight Savings Time.  I’ve been working on my morning game, establishing a routine and using mindfulness techniques the night before to help me mentally prepare for the alarm and not hit snooze.  Yesterday I was up for 45 minutes and went back to bed even after coffee.  But I did get up and go to work.  Today, not even knowing it was cloudy and dreary outside, I relapsed.  The stress and loneliness and feelings of emptiness with Rick’s absence got the best of me.  I had my coffee, called the office, closed my blinds and slept.  I slept a long time.  Then I ate girl scout cookies and started writing.

I am thankful for the meds that keep me from spiralling further out of control.  I am thankful for a friend that is bringing me dinner.  I am thankful that she won’t judge me for being in my pajamas or for having a dirty house and unmade bed.

I am thankful for the gift of writing.  It brings me peace and comfort and it brings me hope for sunnier days.  Ironically, it took losing Rick to really discover my passion for writing.  So above all else, I thank you Rick.

 

 

Gay Lives Matter

Posted on by Julie in Acceptance, Love

I consider myself to be open minded. I love my gay friends and family and I respect and admire the courage it must take to live openly as gay when society condemns a gay lifestyle and some consider it sinful. As a Christian, the God I know loves all of us regardless of who we love.

I have often thought it would be sad if either of my children turned out to be gay. It could never change my love for them; however, I would selfishly mourn not having biological grandchildren and I would worry about the obstacles they would face in gaining acceptance from others. So when a friend of mine with 3 boys said she had always hoped one of her boys would be gay, I wasn’t just surprised – I was shocked. She explained that it would be so fun to have another son or son in law in her life that she could swap recipes with and get fashion and decorating ideas from. Of course this makes it sound like all gay men have a keen sense of design. (Maybe they do). I really admire my girlfriend’s open heart and really love that about her.

Yesterday morning after enjoying a visit from my college friend Gina and husband Wes, Erik helped me with a number of tasks at home. We (actually “he”) changed lightbulbs, hung pictures, moved furniture to the storage room and fixed a door knob. When we were ready to sit down and relax for a while we decided to watch the Nexflix version of Queer Eye. Now is where I switch to my Siskel and Ebert mode.

First of all, this show is about helping others with their fashion, grooming, food, culture and design.  They had me at Hello. (While I have heard of the original Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, I have never watched it.)

Let’s talk about Jonathon. His is my FAV of the FAB 5. Not only is he funny af; he is expressive, cute, joyful, and so full of life. Some would describe him as flamboyant. I wonder if I could figure out a way for him to style my hair? If he would simply touch my hair my life would be complete. I imagine growing my hair long like his and we go out dancing, flipping our hair back and laughing and impressing others with our sexy dance moves. He could totally be my BFF. In a word, I am OBSESSED. But I digress.

Beyond the fun clothing, hairstyles, recipes (including Sangria!), culture and home makeovers is the life changing experiences of the men that are impacted by the work of the FAB 5, five gay men who each have an area of expertise that they lend to a straight man. As I spent my afternoon glued to the TV I alternated between tears and laughter so many times I was an emotional hot mess. I poured some wine and proceeded to watch every episode.

As the FAB 5 interact with strangers who become friends, I am overcome with emotion watching the connections they are making and how it has broken down barriers between religious zealots and gay men, and cops and black men. I see the courage it took for a man to tell his mom he is gay and I can relate to the heartache of families that have lost a dad and husband, struggling with how much they miss their loved one. I have seen the renewed love between a husband and wife that are so overwhelmed raising their children that they do not take time for themselves or each other. In a word, I see LOVE.

As I watch incredible stories of love and acceptance,  I can’t help but think about the brokenness and political divide in our country.  I feel like the FAB 5 are highlighting our differences in a way that is healing and loving, and liberating, one contestant and one viewer at a time.

So while I am open minded, this show has opened my heart in a way that feels so right.  While I know that neither of my kids are gay, I can always hope for a gay grandchild.