Tonight was my last night in an 8 week Grief Therapy group. One of the things we were asked to bring for sharing was a gift we wanted to give to ourself, perhaps in the form of a letter. I immediately knew I wanted to write something that would be affirming. Something that would help me forgive myself.
The timing of this request was particularly difficult coming out of a week that was one of the happiest yet one of the most traumatic I’ve experienced. It came at a time when I do not feel good about myself. I feel stupid and embarrassed. Naïve and afraid. Sad and lonely. To write this letter, I needed to dig deep and remind myself of how special I am. I needed to give myself grace. This is what I shared at therapy:
Dear Julie,
Recently you decided to start dating. You were nervous and despite hurting your family in the process you dove in. You picked a reputable dating service (eHarmony) and you indicated a preference for International so you would be forced to take things slow and get to know someone at a distance. You are a really smart woman. It’s one of the things Rick loved about you. You are also strong and demonstrated the kind of sweet vulnerability needed in order to find love again.
When an extremely good looking man named Robert from the UK contacted you, you felt like a school girl experiencing her first love. As you got to know Robert through long conversations, you basked in the compliments and dreamed about the promises of exciting adventures. You could not eat or sleep. Thoughts of Robert consumed you. Your friends immediately noticed a glow about you. You felt more alive and more beautiful than you had since your wedding day. When Robert told you he was coming to Chicago for a temporary work assignment you could not believe your good fortune.
Your girlfriends encouraged you and shared in your happiness yet offered to do some background checks to keep you safe. Your friends are smart too.
Your dear friend Amy, also a widow, made the difficult call to let you know that Robert was a fraud. Robert was using pictures of Marco Robinson, a model, actor, and author from the UK. As you checked Marco’s Instagram, all the pictures of Robert popped up including the ones of him at his restaurant and the selfies that you thought had been snapped just for you.
As you came crashing down from your high you regretted telling so many that you had met someone special. You were so ashamed and wanted to hide away at home and hibernate.
This letter is about what makes you special Julie. It’s really important that you know this truth even if the last time you heard it was from a con man.
You are strong and resilient. You have faced plenty of adversity in your life. Each time you have bounced back stronger than ever. You have modeled this for your children and they too are resilient.
You are smart. I said it earlier but I will say it again. Because you are smart you have established an amazing career for yourself. Because you are smart you did not divulge to much personal information to Robert and you would not have sent money to Robert if he had asked.
You are trusting. You always believe the very best about others. Because you have learned a valuable lesson in not extending trust too quickly, you will be more reserved in the future knowing that there are people in this world that cannot and should not be trusted.
You are a visionary. You have a passion for so many things and you are able to immediately build excitement around reaching goals even if you run into roadblocks along the way. You know what you want and you go after it.
You are beautiful and you do not need a man to shower you with compliments or gifts to be reminded of this. Likewise, you are loved. You are loved by your family and so many friends. You were loved by a kind and generous man for 27 years and another kind and generous man will find you someday and love you just the same. Meanwhile, remind yourself of this daily by reading this letter. It’s my gift to you.
Julie
(The picture is of Marco Robinson from his Instagram page marcorobinsonnow. I did not request permission to use it but I did contact him to advise that his photos were being used by someone posing as Robert Jonas)
