All these months I’ve been writing on MakeTym.com and I haven’t talked much about the true theme of this blog – about making time for what is important. It really hit me today. As I’ve been reflecting on my latest dating fail, I realized with some help from my girlfriends that were willing to get real with me that I need to slow down. I need to take the time needed to find the right guy for me. As I pressed pause this weekend, I had the opportunity to take a crash course in dating, courtesy of the best girlfriends a girl could ask for.
Slowing down is not easy for me. I like to live life in the fast lane. I complete work tasks fast and when I want something I go after it. After 25 amazing years with Rick I miss the emotional and physical connection we had. Every day that it takes to find that next love connection feels like a wasted day of my life. In my mind I know this is not really true. My lonely heart tells me something else.
I know I can find love again but I lack the patience and the stamina needed to weed out the frauds and to make time to get to know the others. You could say that I’m being lazy. I am in a rush to get off of the dating sites and I don’t feel confidant that I will meet someone any other way. And regardless of how I meet someone, I am not taking the time to let the relationship unfold organically. Writing this makes me realize how desperate I must seem to the men I am meeting.
Part of my impatience with the process is the plethora of frauds on these sites. I’ve become quite good at spotting them and the last one was so mad when I called him out, he accused me of being fake and said he was not going to be my next victim and that I must be a serial dater. Really! When I had a date the other night, Erik asked me if the guy was real. I had to laugh. Yes, he was real. We had talked and texted a bit. But then, he stood me up. Ouch. He was real alright. A real jerk.
And being an open book doesn’t help. I extend trust quickly and I freely share information about myself. Why read the book if you already know what happens in the last chapter, right? A girlfriend advised me to guard my heart and not let anyone in until they have earned the right to it. Such wise words. I know she is right. The moment Rick fell in love with me was when I was dating him and another guy concurrently. All of the sudden I was not around every time he called.
And let’s talk rejection. It hurts. Two failed connections in particular were really hard on me. It’s not just feeling like you are unworthy of love — For me, it brings back the terrible loss of losing my husband. The waves of grief just roll back in, drowning me in sorrow and showering me with a loneliness that cannot be shaken.
Writing a profile summary on these sites just adds to the madness. How do you describe yourself in a way that men will find endearing and intriguing, yet not to revealing? For me it feels like I need to “market” myself with the very best pictures and a perfect description of my interests and all my good qualities. I would say 90% of us on these sites like to be active, enjoy movies, and good food and wine and the Cubs. So original! It’s so maddening I’ve thought about changing my summary to something like this:
Overweight, average looking older woman with poor hygiene seeking relationship. I’m lazy, drink too much, have no money and will text you constantly. I do not have a sense of humor, and I am not interested in holding hands or cuddling. I lead a boring life and would not change a thing! I have a lot of hang ups related to past relationships but I’m sure I can get it right this time. I’m very controlling and needy and will expect you to cater to my every whim. Message me and let’s see if we have a connection!
Now that I think of it, this might attract just the right guy – one who can appreciate my sense of humor.
But seriously, I’m going to give it another week (just kidding!). I’m going to enjoy my first summer in Chicago with all the great friends I have and hopefully meet some interesting new people along the way. Someone out there is looking for me and when he finds me…..well, he’s going to be blown away at what a great catch I am.
Hummm. OK. Where do I start . . . thank HEAVEN for a support system, but the issue and frustration may be a result of focusing on what you CANNOT control. One at a time, here:
1) The fool who BLASTED you was a blessing because the response revealed a deeper mental health/character issue. That wasn’t about you. You dodged a bullet.
2) The profile: Don’t reveal too much about what you want or don’t want because it makes it too easy for a man to PRETEND or MANIPULATE based on what they view as weaknesses.
3) You already learned this one . . . the WOLVES have moved to the Internet. Garbage in-Garbage out. Because a person can only be as honest with you as they are with themselves, act accordingly knowing that no computer algorithm can weed out malfeasance or ulterior motivations.
4) STOP trying to force yourself into some cosmic mold to appeal to the opposite sex. You are making a HUGE mistake by trying to be what you are not. If we want to be loved for who we are then that is what we have to relentless be – who we are!
Thank you dear Linda – and I love the article you wrote. I am certainly learning all these things. I should have taken a class first!
Re your 4th point – I don’t think I’m trying to be something I am not. But I AM revealing to much to quick…not so much on the profile but in early conversations. Time to SLOW DOWN
You are a “get results” type of woman, which serves you well overall. The 4th point relates to: “How do you describe yourself in a way that men will find endearing and intriguing, yet not to revealing?” Sorry for the lack of clarity on that point.
Your decision is a wise one. One remarkable state in your post was, “After 25 amazing years with Rick I miss the emotional and physical connection we had.”
As one who has NEVER experienced what you and Rick shared, I assure you that there is none other. Rick was a rarity. Know that when you lasso that rainbow again, don’t look for Rick, But, for a NEW experience.
Remember, Rick didn’t happen overnight. One good thing, though. Having experienced true love . . . you’ll know it when you see it.
In the meantime, this blog would make a GOOD book that will bring healing to so many who need to know that, even in the grip of loss, they are not alone.
Julie:
You already know how I feel about you, Girl. I hope my prior post did not seem too harsh.
In the interest of my having Been-There-Done-That Got-The-Tshirt, read this:
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-dating-sites-dont-tell-you-five-warning-signs-linda-f-/