One YEAR

A YEAR ago my life changed forever.  Without warning you collapsed; your heart stopped.  You were revived three times and as you lay in the hospital unconscious and broken, I pleaded with you to open your eyes.  But you didn’t respond; you were already gone.  A few days later I whispered “I love you” in your ear and as you took your last breath, I let go of your hand.

I let go of your hand.

I let go of your clothes;

I let go of our furniture;

I let go of our home;

I let go of our dreams for the future.

I started a new journey in the city.  I discovered a passion for writing.  I designed my dream home.  I formed new plans for my retirement.  I started to find my way out of the fog of grief.  I tried to rush it, and learned to take my TYM and slow down.  Letting go takes TYM.

As I continue my journey in YEAR two without you I will continue to let go.

I will let go of your ashes;

I will let go of all the dating apps;

I will let go of wearing my wedding ring;

I will let go of some weight;

I will let go of my grief;

I will let go of my fears;

I will let go of the hurtful relationships in my life.

In the coming YEAR as I let go of all these things I will build myself up again. I will lean on God.  As I heal I will gain strength and confidence and I will find a new happiness. Just like YEAR one, there will be bumps in the road but my family and friends will be there to keep me from crashing.

In the coming YEAR I have goals to achieve and living to do. I’ll be building muscle at the gym and working on my swing on the golf course. I’ll be honing my cooking skills and entertaining friends in my new home. I’ll be watching football and going to concerts. I’ll be traveling to Florida and to Hawaii and maybe Sweden.  I’ll be starting my first novel.  I’ll be continuing my countdown to retirement.

Most importantly I will be learning how to be happy on my own.   I will be learning to trust that God has a plan for me.  Despite my faith, my need to be in charge makes this difficult.  It’s hard to imagine a plan — a happy one – that won’t include you.  I need to let go of my doubts.

As I fully let go and find my way without you, I will hold on to your memory and love.  For that is buried deep in my heart and will always be with me.