Month: August 2018

That hurt

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

My feelings are hurt. And while I know it has nothing to do with me, it still hurts.

On Friday morning I was outside the DC airport and ran into several colleagues from our Western office. I had not seen them since working there in 2016. As we were walking and talking on our way to the entrance, a woman came face to face with me on the sidewalk and yelled, “Bitch, MOVE!” I was so shocked I didn’t say anything. In hindsight I wish I had apologized for being in her way and offered to buy her a cup of coffee. She clearly needed an act of kindness. It’s sad how a complete stranger’s comment keeps ringing in my ears three days later.

Last night I texted a “friend” to see how he was doing. It had been 2 months since we talked and at that time he had suggested we stay in touch. I did not indicate a desire to get together but he quickly texted back that while he was flattered to hear from me, he does not have feelings for me. Ouch. I know a little bit about his relationship history and assume that is what inspired his conceited and hurtful response, yet, it left me feeling really bad about myself.

And then there are the numerous unsolicited comments I’ve received from one individual over the past year. Comments that are filled with judgement over decisions I am making as I navigate life without Rick.  It is coming from a person that I love dearly, making it all the more difficult for me to respond to or ignore. I know this person does not intend to hurt me but that has been the effect.

These three situations are very different – they are coming from a complete stranger, an acquaintance and a family member. Yet I believe each of these individuals have something in common. They are hurting.

My good friend Susie is a very wise servant of God and she is always sharing her insights based on her life experiences. One of her posts from long ago resonated with me at the time and it certainly applies to my current situation. She said, “Hurting people hurt people”. I use this lesson to remind myself that it really isn’t about me. Knowing that the hurtful comments are coming from a place of pain does help ease the pain of hearing it. Yet, not entirely. Despite the therapy and counseling and coaching I have worked through over the past year, my self esteem is fragile, my heart is tender and hurtful comments bring me to tears even though my logical side is telling me, “It’s not about YOU”!!!!

I want it to be about ME!  I miss coming home from work and Rick asking me about my day. He genuinely wanted to know and he cared deeply about my happiness. I miss the acts of kindness he displayed – like doing my laundry, finding my favorite wine, rubbing my shoulders or just reassuring me when I was scared. He never missed an opportunity to tell me how proud he was of me. And he always kissed me goodnight. I really miss his kisses.

I’m hurting too. While I would not try to compare my pain to other’s, I do hope that I am not inadvertently using my pain to inflict hurt on others. Revengeful thoughts do enter my head and not acting on them takes strength and prayer. There is to much pain in our world and I would hate to be adding to it, especially with people I care about. For those that are hurting my prayer is that they find comfort – whether it is through faith in God, love from friends and family, or a really good therapist. I’ve been lucky to have all three.

It’s been said before but it’s worth repeating. Be Kind – For Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle.

 

Goodbye

Posted on by Julie in goodbye, Grief, Maketym

Over the past 6 weeks I have been working with a grief coach.  The “grief recovery” program I have been  using has involved a number of exercises leading to a completion letter.  The goal of the completion letter is to become complete with everything that has been unfinished until now.  The letter allows me to keep fond memories and all positive aspects of our relationship while saying goodbye to any pain, unmet hopes, dreams and expectations.

I am sharing my letter here because doing so is therapeutic for me.  However, I have omitted a few things that are to personal to share and I’ve omitted one section that would cause to much pain to others if shared.

My dearest Rick, 

Over the past year I’ve had lots of time to reflect on our relationship.  I have so many things that I  want to tell you.

Rick, I am so sorry that I didn’t make our marriage more of a priority.  I took your love for granted and I didn’t clearly communicate my desires and disappointments.  Nor did I take your needs seriously.  I should have told you how important a proposal was to me and I should have done more to fulfill your  needs in our relationship.  I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I didn’t work harder to understand your concerns with disciplining our children.  I thought you were to hard on them but honestly I was to lenient and I should have met you part way.

I really regret that I didn’t speak up when I witnessed  ……I suspect that you knew it wasn’t right.  After all you had your doubts about …..   I’m sorry I didn’t speak up and I forgive you for not addressing this conflict.  

I am also sorry that I did not push you to change careers.  I should have shown more encouragement and support for you to return to school.  I wish I had nagged you more about getting out of construction.  I knew it was what you loved to do and you were so good at it and took pride in your work.  I’m haunted by the fact that you would still be here if I had pushed for you to leave the construction industry.   

I never really shared with you that I would have enjoyed the opportunity to retire early and not be the primary financial supporter of our family.  I sometimes resented the fact that our best friends lived a more comfortable lifestyles due to the jobs the guys held.  I forgive you for not being the kind of financial provider that I wanted.

In addition to the burden of being our family’s primary wage earner, I resented having such a long commute to work.  I forgive you for not understanding how important it was to me to live closer to Chicago.

Now that I am on my own, I have my dream home in the city.  I know it is not the  location you wanted but I do think you would like it and I know you would be proud of all the decisions I am making.

I mourn the fact that we will not retire in Hawaii with you as we dreamed.  The kids and I will be going back in April and we will spread your ashes.  Maui was your favorite place and I think it will be the perfect resting place for you.  

I really miss you and I am struggling now that I am living alone.  I am lonely and feel so broken.  Everyone tells me that I am so courageous but I don’t feel it.  You know I have always had trouble getting up early.  Now it is worse than ever.  All I want to do is sleep and when I am awake all I want to do is eat and drink wine.  I can’t concentrate at work and I have taken my anger out on loved ones when I haven’t felt supported.

I have tried to date and it has been a frustrating process.  I have run into a number of fakes – the first one broke my heart and after that it was easier to spot them.  Nevertheless, every time I do it makes me angry and sad.  I had an amazing first and last date with a guy that I thought was perfect for me.  But he rejected me and my vulnerable self didn’t take it very well.  I went through a phase where I was settling – dating a 34 year old and others that were not on the same page as me.   I convinced myself that I could handle the non-committal guys that just wanted to have fun.  I couldn’t.  I took a break for about 6 weeks.  I tried some different sites this time only to find out they are all the same.  In addition to consuming my time, I am left disappointed and depressed once again.  

I found a new church in my new neighborhood.  Every week the message really speaks to me.  So, despite the hardships I am encountering, I look forward to church every week and leave feeling encouraged and at peace.  I am learning to trust that God has a plan for me.  He is greater than anything we can imagine.  I know that you know that.  I am thankful that you had faith in God and that you accepted Jesus as your savior.  It brings me peace to know that you are in Heaven and I hope it as you imagined it after reading the book of Revelations.  I can clearly remember you talking about that as your favorite book in the Bible.  

Your death means I have a second chance at love and a second chance to work on mistakes I made in our relationship.  I am praying for patience.  This time I will not rush things like I did with you.   When my next love finds me,  I will be clear in expressing my needs and I will be sensitive to my partner’s needs.  I want to thank you for the lessons I learned from our relationship.  

I want you to know that I loved you so much.  I am thankful for the beautiful children we created together.  They miss you and love you so much.  You were an amazing dad and they are amazing kids..  I want you to know how sad I am that you will not see Annika and Erik get married.  I am even sadder that you will not be here to meet your grandchildren.  I know you would have been an amazing grandpa.  On the special days moving forward, you will always be in our heart and we will double our celebration to make up for your absence.  I would like to think that you can see us and are able to rejoice in our happy moments from afar.  What I do know is that your are forever in my heart.  

I am thankful for 25 wonderful years of marriage and nearly 30 years of knowing you..  You were such an amazing friend, lover, and husband to me.  You always put your family first and I am a better person having been loved by you.  We are all carrying on your legacy to “MakeTym”.  You touched so many lives when you were here on Earth and you continue to do so.

Rick, I will always love you and miss you.  Good bye my love.

Julie

Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

I’ve been taking a break from dating to work on myself.  Yeah, the idea was to find happiness and the rest will follow.  But honestly, dating is still on my mind 24/7.

As I’ve worked with my life coach on my “grief recovery”, I’ve been waiting for the right time to discuss a love interest (apart from Rick).  I don’t regret signing up for the program.  It is helping me bring closure to an amazing relationship that ended to soon.

I hired a personal trainer and did my hair and make up for our first session…just in case.

I took golf lessons,  because…men.  (But I did learn a lot and I’m pretty good.)

I’m spending to much money on clothing, facials, massage, manis, pedis, and hair appointments to be as attractive as I can.  It was nice to splurge but it’s time to get back on track with my budget.

I’m getting to know my neighbors but disappointed that the average age in my building is 70.  I’ve balanced that with new friends at my church where 80% of the members are in their 20s and 30s.  Where are all the 50 and 60 year olds?

I even gave up drinking to lose weight.  Ha!  Not really.  But I did cut back by subbing sparkling water in a wine glass with frozen grapes.  It’s not the same but my trainer is pretty proud.

All these changes have something in common.  They are all things I can control.  And while being in control benefitted me in finding my first love and in  enjoying a successful career as a government executive it’s not working for me in finding happiness in 2018.  If I am honest with myself, I know I am not really in control. God is.

I know this.  But do I really believe it?   Believing it means trusting that God is so great and so loving that only God truly knows what is best for me.  How can I let go of my expectations and trust that God is in control of my destiny?  I feel like a rebellious teenager wanting to do things MY way.

While my prayers have been to find a new love to retire with and grow old with, what if God’s has a different plan for me?  One that is better.  What if God’s plan is one where I am happy AND single.   Maybe some day I will be thanking God for unanswered prayers.

If you have been praying for me as I find my way without Rick by my side, please pray for my ability to let go of my need to be in control. Pray that I can let go and learn to trust in God’s plan for the next phase of my life journey.  I know that is a prayer that God will answer.  I believe.

AMEN