I’ve been taking a break from dating to work on myself. Yeah, the idea was to find happiness and the rest will follow. But honestly, dating is still on my mind 24/7.
As I’ve worked with my life coach on my “grief recovery”, I’ve been waiting for the right time to discuss a love interest (apart from Rick). I don’t regret signing up for the program. It is helping me bring closure to an amazing relationship that ended to soon.
I hired a personal trainer and did my hair and make up for our first session…just in case.
I took golf lessons, because…men. (But I did learn a lot and I’m pretty good.)
I’m spending to much money on clothing, facials, massage, manis, pedis, and hair appointments to be as attractive as I can. It was nice to splurge but it’s time to get back on track with my budget.
I’m getting to know my neighbors but disappointed that the average age in my building is 70. I’ve balanced that with new friends at my church where 80% of the members are in their 20s and 30s. Where are all the 50 and 60 year olds?
I even gave up drinking to lose weight. Ha! Not really. But I did cut back by subbing sparkling water in a wine glass with frozen grapes. It’s not the same but my trainer is pretty proud.
All these changes have something in common. They are all things I can control. And while being in control benefitted me in finding my first love and in enjoying a successful career as a government executive it’s not working for me in finding happiness in 2018. If I am honest with myself, I know I am not really in control. God is.
I know this. But do I really believe it? Believing it means trusting that God is so great and so loving that only God truly knows what is best for me. How can I let go of my expectations and trust that God is in control of my destiny? I feel like a rebellious teenager wanting to do things MY way.
While my prayers have been to find a new love to retire with and grow old with, what if God’s has a different plan for me? One that is better. What if God’s plan is one where I am happy AND single. Maybe some day I will be thanking God for unanswered prayers.
If you have been praying for me as I find my way without Rick by my side, please pray for my ability to let go of my need to be in control. Pray that I can let go and learn to trust in God’s plan for the next phase of my life journey. I know that is a prayer that God will answer. I believe.
AMEN
