That hurt

My feelings are hurt. And while I know it has nothing to do with me, it still hurts.

On Friday morning I was outside the DC airport and ran into several colleagues from our Western office. I had not seen them since working there in 2016. As we were walking and talking on our way to the entrance, a woman came face to face with me on the sidewalk and yelled, “Bitch, MOVE!” I was so shocked I didn’t say anything. In hindsight I wish I had apologized for being in her way and offered to buy her a cup of coffee. She clearly needed an act of kindness. It’s sad how a complete stranger’s comment keeps ringing in my ears three days later.

Last night I texted a “friend” to see how he was doing. It had been 2 months since we talked and at that time he had suggested we stay in touch. I did not indicate a desire to get together but he quickly texted back that while he was flattered to hear from me, he does not have feelings for me. Ouch. I know a little bit about his relationship history and assume that is what inspired his conceited and hurtful response, yet, it left me feeling really bad about myself.

And then there are the numerous unsolicited comments I’ve received from one individual over the past year. Comments that are filled with judgement over decisions I am making as I navigate life without Rick.  It is coming from a person that I love dearly, making it all the more difficult for me to respond to or ignore. I know this person does not intend to hurt me but that has been the effect.

These three situations are very different – they are coming from a complete stranger, an acquaintance and a family member. Yet I believe each of these individuals have something in common. They are hurting.

My good friend Susie is a very wise servant of God and she is always sharing her insights based on her life experiences. One of her posts from long ago resonated with me at the time and it certainly applies to my current situation. She said, “Hurting people hurt people”. I use this lesson to remind myself that it really isn’t about me. Knowing that the hurtful comments are coming from a place of pain does help ease the pain of hearing it. Yet, not entirely. Despite the therapy and counseling and coaching I have worked through over the past year, my self esteem is fragile, my heart is tender and hurtful comments bring me to tears even though my logical side is telling me, “It’s not about YOU”!!!!

I want it to be about ME!  I miss coming home from work and Rick asking me about my day. He genuinely wanted to know and he cared deeply about my happiness. I miss the acts of kindness he displayed – like doing my laundry, finding my favorite wine, rubbing my shoulders or just reassuring me when I was scared. He never missed an opportunity to tell me how proud he was of me. And he always kissed me goodnight. I really miss his kisses.

I’m hurting too. While I would not try to compare my pain to other’s, I do hope that I am not inadvertently using my pain to inflict hurt on others. Revengeful thoughts do enter my head and not acting on them takes strength and prayer. There is to much pain in our world and I would hate to be adding to it, especially with people I care about. For those that are hurting my prayer is that they find comfort – whether it is through faith in God, love from friends and family, or a really good therapist. I’ve been lucky to have all three.

It’s been said before but it’s worth repeating. Be Kind – For Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle.