I recently came across a request for tiny love stories from the New York Times. The headline reads:
Tell Us Your Love Story. Just Keep It Really Short. We’re looking for all the emotion that’s fit to print — in no more than 100 words.
This is what I submitted. Will it get published?
THE FIRE IN YOUR EYES
A tiny spark grew to flames.
I proposed. You said yes. In 1992, we said “I do.”
As partners we created a family and a lifetime of dreams. God blessed us with a million magical moments and turned them into magical memories.
Beginning and ending each day with you and seeing the fire in your eyes was electric. How ironic that electricity took your life.
For 52 years you lived by your motto to “MakeTym”. You made time for your family, above all else. It’s been 18 months since you’ve been gone. While your legacy lives on, I miss the fire in your eyes.
It’s a cold snowy night in Chicago. It’s the kind of night where you just want to stay in by a warm fire with a home cooked meal, followed by a good movie while snuggled up on the couch with your love.
I watched Sleepless in Seattle and found myself wondering if love ever happens like that in real life. Probably not. I’ve been searching on Match.com for a second time. I’m not obsessed with reading all the profiles like I was before. And I no longer care about the rejections – most of the guys are fake anyway! It’s pretty time consuming and honestly, I’m learning to find joy in being single. Dating is supposed to be fun, but so far it’s not. Tonight, Jason, a realtor in Andersonville said he wanted to get together and when I suggested we meet for a drink he said it was to cold to go out. I think Jason wanted a house call – sorry Jason. Your loss.
So now I am listening to your favorite band, the BoDeans. It brings back memories of the times we saw them in concert and dancing at our wedding. Last weekend I met one of the former drummers and oh how I wished you were there to meet him! And guess what? They are playing in Oswego this summer. Two years too late, but still.
I want you to know that despite having a very rocky start to 2019, things are getting so much easier for me. After missing two paychecks, the government is back in business and I can go back to having more routine in my life. You of all people know how much I need something to get me out of bed in the morning. And the great therapist that had to drop me has figured out a solution with my insurance so I am getting back on track with her this week. And a dear friend has given me a financial gift that has eased my financial worries. God is answering my prayers Rick. I am so grateful.
Speaking of grateful….our friend Mary shared an idea that I have adopted. Each day, I post about someone that I am grateful for, while sharing what I love about them. I am 26 days in and I can’t explain how uplifting this has been for me. It is so healing to be able to focus on the incredible bounty of blessings in my life instead of dwelling on how much I miss the greatest blessing in my life. I don’t think 365 days will be enough to show my love to all the wonderful people in my life. What a great problem to have.
Tomorrow I will be supporting my friend Lisa. She too is now a young widow and it’s been a week of disbelief. Am I at an age where funerals are more common than weddings? As I have thought about Lisa this week, I reflected on Terry’s death 4 weeks before your accident. I remember how hard it was to see Amy in pain and how helpless I felt and how uncomfortable I was because I didn’t want to see her cry.
But now that I have been through such a heart wrenching loss, I have confidence in knowing what Lisa needs. I am thankful that I can be there for her tomorrow and in the days ahead as she struggles to adjust to a new normal. I am grateful that God can use me in this way; it’s part of the silver lining I suppose. It’s bittersweet for sure.
I’ve rambled on enough for now. I just wanted to check in and let you know that I am doing well and feeling closer to free.
We didn’t have a specific plan for our future. But we had dreams.
When Erik showed an interest in being a chef, we thought it would be cool to run a restaurant. When we bought a timeshare in Maui, we thought it would be neat to spend winters in Hawaii. When I requested a transfer to Denver, we thought having a dream home in the foothills would be awesome. When his mom talked of downsizing, we thought about building a dream home perfect for two households.
But then you died and “we” became “me”.
I’ve always been a visionary and he was right by my side encouraging me and supporting me. He was so proud of my accomplishments. I remember when I was updating my resume one day and after reading it he looked at me in amazement and said “you have done some amazing shit.” I remember coming home from work one day, after learning I did not get the job I had been working toward my entire career. He calmed me down quickly and assured me things would get better.
Every day without his encouraging smile is hard; the last 22 have been unbearable. I’m on furlough from my job; my blood pressure is out of control; my therapist dropped me (insurance); there is a dispute with workman’s comp and Jeff and I broke up. Of course, if he were here I would feel better. I most likely would not be in therapy and I certainly would not be dealing with workman’s comp or the woes of dating.
But I still have dreams. As I near retirement I have been praying and journaling about a non-profit I wish to start. My vision is to have a commercial kitchen on wheels – a large scale food truck where I can prepare meals on a grand scale. My truck will show up at food pantries as families are picking up food for themselves and I will offer them a hot meal. My truck will find homeless men, women and families in need of soup and a sandwich. I will partner with rural churches and offer meals to families that are struggling to pay their utilities.
I will travel to all corners of the U.S. providing nourishment to those that need it. I anticipate being touched by the people I meet and enriched by the stories I hear. Surely I will write about my experiences.
My venture will be the perfect next step after a 33 year career in managing nutrition assistance programs at the USDA.
Maybe I will have a new partner in my life to share in this dream. (I hope so!) Or maybe this venture will lead me to him. Maybe I was only meant to have one love in my life. Regardless of how the story ends, my non-profit ministry, “Make TYM: Make Them Yummy Meals” will honor the man who always made time for others, especially me. And knowing he is proud will make this dream especially sweet.
