Last week was rough. By all accounts, it should have been one of the happiest, like in the top ten ever.
I will start with what was good. Erik graduated from college! Annika and her fiancé Nic traveled from Iowa to join in the celebration. I met Erik’s girlfriend’s family.
My former Food and Nutrition Service colleagues were in Chicago for a meeting. Although I have moved on to a new position, they purposely traveled to Chicago to be able to honor me. I planned dinner and drinks at my place for one of the nights they were in town and unbeknownst to me they planned a happy hour reception for me on another evening. It was an amazing two nights, catching up with colleagues that have become great friends. They showered me with gifts and praise and well wishes. I was able to share my beautiful home with them; my happy place. This brought me incredible joy.
Also good was time spent with Walter. As we have moved past the first six weeks of dating we are settling into a happy place. He is kind, and attentive and encouraging. He makes me feel special and beautiful and the joy I feel each time we greet each other is the type of joy that stirs up the butterflies in my stomach and makes me weak in the knees. Walter was able to join me at my dinner party and he planned a special date for us the following weekend. In between, came the rough stuff.
In retrospect it really wasn’t that rough but I’ve had some time to reflect. In particular, I am trying to understand why the words of others, strangers AND family alike make me feel so bad about myself, enough so to turn a good week into a bad one
The stranger’s comments were on a private Facebook page. She didn’t agree with my observation and rather than just disagree, she insisted I was wrong and told me I was offensive AF. Although I remained respectful and felt justified in my observation, I hate to admit just how much I let her comments affect me. And my heart was full from a really terrific week I can only imagine how I would have reacted if I was having a stressful week.
A family member’s comments also caused me to press pause and really reflect on the impact of my interactions with others. Is my grief process easier because I can find love again? What is my level of responsibility in helping others in their grief over Rick? Am I displaying the Christian values that I seek to demonstrate each day? Although I was able to seek clarification on the feedback I got, it still had a big impact. It left me wondering why the approval of others is so integral to my happiness. So far I’ve concluded that this is something I need to pray about. And it will be a good topic to explore at my next therapist appointment.
Meanwhile, I am focused on the things in life that bring me joy. A great new job, a guy that I am crazy about, and family celebrations like Erik’s graduation and Annika’s engagement. Life is good. I am happy.