The details are fuzzy but the memory of how I felt is crystal clear. He was my first love and I had dreams of a future together. When it was over there were tears and disbelief and a deep sadness and helplessness that I had not experienced before. I was in my early 20’s and it was my introduction to a grief that left me feeling rejected, numb, angry and hopeless.
Thirty years later I’m “breaking up” again. It’s hard, but it’s a different kind of hard.
This break up is not a romantic break up. In fact, it feels weird to call it a break up for that reason. As I shared my frustrations about the relationship, a friend of mine shared her experience in breaking up with a friend. I have lots of friendships that have faded over the years but none ended with a formal declaration to sever the relationship.
Of course not all friendships last forever. Recently a good friend shared the following… it’s a great reminder of way different friendships impact our life. The ending of a relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. —Author unknown
This is a break-up I initiated. Being around this friend causes me pain. When I am around her I feel inadequate. I feel judged and not supported in my decisions. Although ending the relationship was important for my well being, I realize now I probably wasn’t quite ready to pull the trigger.
Maybe I thought initiating the break up would be easier, but it’s not. I feel the kind of rejection and anger that I felt when someone I loved broke up with me. Even though it was my idea, I haven’t really let go. I haven’t worked through the forgiveness. I haven’t worked through the grief I feel. My heart hopes for reconciliation but the realist in me knows it won’t happen. I need to accept it.
I think about how my experience compares to the ultimate break-up: a divorce. Clearly a divorce means the end of a romance and difficult decisions regarding finances and assets. Absent those conditions, I am grieving the end of a long term relationship that once brought me joy. I’m imagining the awkwardness when our paths cross. I wonder about the impact on my relationship with mutual friends and family. I wonder if counseling would have saved the relationship?
I turned into a drama queen. I started telling anyone that would listen how horribly I’ve been treated all while complaining about how the other person was gossiping about me. I wrongfully placed blame for the impact my break up was having on others. As my therapist told me, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t push someone away and then stir the pot by complaining about how wronged you feel. And why do I even feel so wronged. She got real with me and crushed my ego a bit, reminding me that it isn’t about me. So why take it so personally?
My therapist was spot on and her words have helped me to apologize and to direct my attention to letting go and working through the grief of this broken relationship. I’m not there yet. Breaking up is hard to do.
