It’s been 829 days.
For the first time in a long while, a colleague asked me how I am doing. She asked with such genuine concern and compassion in her voice and I was touched but caught by surprise. Maybe because I’ve been getting used to my new normal and I think of him less. I immediately responded that I am okay and it is getting easier. Later as I reflected on this I felt guilty and ashamed and bewildered. Recognizing that my life is pretty incredible brings up so many mixed emotions. Grief is so complicated.
A few days later I started watching the Facebook series “Sorry for your loss”. This certainly opened the flood gates again and led me to more Facebook groups on grief – something I had been avoiding because I found little comfort in reading about other’s stories of loss.
But watching Leigh in her grief journey has been comforting and thought provoking. Like her, I struggle with concentrating on work assignments. Like her, I don’t want to get out of bed many days. Like her, I’m sad that I can’t dream about him like I want to. Like her, I heard from my husband through a psychic. Leigh said it well when she complained that she didn’t want to hear him talking on the “phone” to someone else; she wants to see him and touch him.
The differences in our journeys are what really resonate with me. Leigh fights with her mother and sister and leans in to her in-laws for comfort. As for me, I’ve sought comfort from my family and I’ve been rude to my in-laws and pushed them away.
She is not ready for love even though someone is in love with her. I’m ready for love (at least I think I am) but love is complicated and will happen on God’s timeline, not mine.
Leigh’s husband Matt dies without them having children. She can only imagine a life with the heirs of their love. As for me, my children are my greatest blessing in life and I am so grateful to have reminders of Rick when I look into their eyes.
In one episode Leigh visits her late husband’s school where he taught. His colleagues and students honor him with a mural and heartfelt tales of his positive impact. While Rick’s co-workers honored him at his funeral, his employer’s insurance company is disputing any liability for his death.
While I know Rick’s death was accidental, Leigh is unsure if Matt died from an accidental fall or by suicide.
Every widow’s experience is unique. Every person’s loss and their reaction is unique. My own journey has been focused on me and my children. I’ve paid little attention to the impact of Rick’s absence on his friends and family. I don’t apologize for it. It’s what I’ve needed to do to heal. Yet I had an aha moment when Leigh was asked to address the students in Matt’s school. Having realized what a profound loss the student’s experienced she ended her talk with a simple “I’m sorry for your loss”.
I’m sorry for your loss.
You know what? If we are blessed we have a supportive friend or two reminding us NOT to let others tell us HOW to grieve. What we, in our grief journey, must also do is allow others to grieve on their own schedules. Failure to allow room for that often results in family conflict when they should be supporting one another.
Hopefully, one day, Rick’s family will be able to come to terms with loosing a CHILD. That has to be a tougher road to go when you have to face the reality of outliving your child.
TYM heals all wounds, if we MakeTym for it.