Before going on vacation, my therapist gave me two assignments. 1, Read Co-Dependent No More, and 2, Reflect on who I am without a partner.
While away, I took 7 flights, 3 high speed trains, and multiple subway, lyft, didi, taxi, bus and shuttle rides. Plenty of time to reflect.
I’ll start with the book. As I read I couldn’t figure out why this book was recommended for me. Many co-dependents are the enablers of an alcoholic. Many co-dependents are responding to some kind of trauma from childhood. This is not me. Why did my therapist think I should read this book? As I read further It became clearer.
I’m afraid to be by myself. I believe I am unloveable. I am afraid of rejection. I (mostly) seek validation from others. My need for acceptance is so great that I often lower my expectations and settle for less than I truly want. In fact, I don’t even know what I truly want. I find my worthiness in what I do for others. I’m not able to ask for what I need.
Before I even read the book, I asked Judy what I needed to do to fix my issues. She said the book would give me some ideas. And it did. Most notable are the 12 Steps used for recovery from alcoholism. While my recovery is not from alcohol abuse, the steps are still useful. In general the steps are about learning to love myself.
Acceptance is the first step. As a woman of faith, I believe I am made in the image of God. So I was ashamed when I realized just how little love I have for myself. I didn’t think it was possible for humility and self love to co-exist.
But 12 steps aside, the question for me still exists. How do I learn to love myself.? How do I get rid of the shame, the guilt, and the anger? And as long as I’m writing out my wish list, I wish for the process to be easy and quick.
I believe the answer is in my Savior. Through prayer and meditation, I will learn to surrender my fears to HIM. His grace has always been there. I just need to accept it. I’m taking steps to get there. I’m seeking pastoral counseling; I have joined the church I’ve been attending for 2 years; I’m planning to be baptized. I will use my writing to give testimony to the truth in God’s word. I’m learning to pray more regularly and to have a deeper relationship with Jesus.
I’ve been resisting. I’ve been afraid of giving up control. I thought I needed a partner to feel whole and I refused to believe that I could find love without the aid of dating apps. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve the kind of love and commitment that I craved – that Rick was the only man that would find me worthy. I settled in a relationship with someone who had different goals than me.
On to the second assignment. If I had done this one first I may have been less resistant to the truths revealed to me in the book. Regardless, I realize now that I was looking for a relationship to complete me. As I examined what I am without a relationship, my list was filled with negatives: unlovable, sad, pitiful, boring, lonely, insecure, afraid. Even though good friends advised me to work on me before pursuing love again, I resisted, thinking I had that covered. It’s been hard for me to admit how much I loath myself. It’s taken me weeks to write this and to hit the publish button.
I’ve been putting on my brave face for the world and clinging to others’ encouraging words for validation. You are so brave. You deserve the best. You are amazing. I tried so hard to believe it.
I’m still trying. Lord, hear my prayer.
