I had a dream the other night that I was going to prom. Walter was my date but he was somewhere far away. I was with two of my sorority sisters who were trying to keep me calm and I was on the phone with my son who was trying to figure out a way to drive me to Walter’s location.
Recently I read the book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottlieb. I’ve been reading a lot of books, mostly self-help books. This one was different in that it read like a novel. The stories of real life clients in therapy, including the author (a therapist) resonated with me. I couldn’t put it down and like all good books that I read, I sacrificed sleep until I had finished.
I first read the book in electronic format and with every aha moment I took furious notes in my journal. As soon as I finished it I purchased a second copy, this time in hard cover so I could easily reference it and write in the margins.
The biggest take away from this book was the author’s realization from her own therapy that she was grieving something bigger. A break up with her fiancee brought her to therapy but it opened her eyes to a greater fear that she had suppressed.
As for me, losing Rick is what brought me to therapy. After 2 years I visited my therapist less often, feeling well on my way to a path of recovery, or at least in a better place of being able to cope.
Then came the devastation of being rejected by someone I loved. Back to therapy I went – this time with a new therapist, some new resources including the aforementioned book, and a renewed commitment to follow Jesus and to seek his direction in my life.
So what could I be grieving that is bigger than the death of my life partner? That’s big enough, right? Rick’s death and Walter’s betrayal triggered my fear of being alone. I’m processing feelings of not being worthy of someone else’s love. I’ve been suppressing this for most of my life.
Like my sadness in not being invited to prom when I was in high school. And my regret that I didn’t get the marriage proposal of my dreams because I couldn’t wait for Rick to propose to me and proposed to him instead. When Rick was alive I used to have dreams that we were still dating and I was still waiting for that big proposal.
Therapy is helping me realize that I’m not very good at processing my emotions.
Since then, other self help books sit on my nightstand and I am only able to digest them in small bits. They are not as entertaining and compelling as “You Should Talk to Someone”. I think that what I have been reading so far has helped me diagnose and understand the feelings I have been avoiding. What I need now is direction so I can address my anger, my fears and my shame.
The next book on my reading list is the Bible.