Learning to be comfortable being single has been a challenge for me. Being single during the COVID pandemic has certainly added an element of difficulty to that challenge.
Although I promised myself I would forget the dating apps and work on myself, I quickly abandoned that idea. I figured I could use this time in isolation to set my location to Iowa, where I plan to eventually settle. With social distancing, I could join in on the Zoom craze and focus on virtual interactions.
That has been positive to a degree. I have had some great conversations getting to know men without the pressure of looking good and thinking about physical chemistry – kind of like the show Love is Blind. And in a couple of cases I could tell right away that my match did not share the same values as me. Given my heavy workload, efficiency in dating is a good thing.
Once again I convinced myself that dating apps might be the answer to what I am looking for. I refused to listen to girlfriends who warned me. And of course they were right. It didn’t take long to be bombarded by the catfish. Even as I skillfully hit delete, the annoyance of it all ate away at me. Soon, the feelings of inadequacy came flooding back. Actually, they had never left.
Last weekend I took a short break from all technology – no TV, computer, texting, or social media. I even pressed pause on the digital scrabble game I play – a game that will always connect me to my dear Rick. Instead, I made cards, wrote letters, listened to music and podcasts, exercised, napped, and read books. And I prayed.
I prayed for the courage to truly surrender my desires to my Heavenly Father. To place complete trust in his plan for my life.
I looked back at some previous blog entries last night and felt ashamed that I am still struggling to release this burden. I thought about my request to Walter that he take the lead in our relationship and how I quickly abandoned that request and settled for and accepted what little he had to offer in our relationship.
I know I don’t need a man to take care of me. But it would be nice to have someone that wants to.
I suppose I have justified my actions to find love as being just another goal I am pursuing. Right along with my goals to launch MakeTym and to find a lake home. A good friend talked to me about releasing expectations. That was an aha moment. I need to understand the difference between goals and expectations. How does the prayer go?
God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change…
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
I’ve seen this prayer so many times. Now it’s time to REALLY pray it.
