I WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED
Like Angelica Skylar, I sometimes think I will never be Satisfied.
I fantasize about walking into my therapist’s office and hearing her say, “Congratulations! You don’t need me anymore! There is nothing else I can do to help you.”
I think about falling in love again.
I dream of a retirement with a beautiful lake home where life is carefree and filled with hobbies and vacations and grandchildren.
I continue to work toward building a non-profit that will nourish the hungry and honor Rick’s life.
Will these things bring me satisfaction?
I’ve reflected on this for months, experiencing writer’s block every time I sit down to put my thoughts to paper. Every time I start writing I feel as though I’m repeating past rants brought on by my recurring grief. I feel like I haven’t figured things out yet and I feel angry and sad and ashamed and unsatisfied.
I know I’m not alone in feeling the effects of the Covid pandemic. While I’ve been fortunate to still have good health and meaningful work, the isolation and fear have been crippling. I experienced a nonCovid health scare; There have been setbacks with selling my home; I’ve lost money in purchasing a new home; I’ve experienced disappointments in relationships…The list is long.
It’s been hard to stay positive. The challenges have exacerbated the void I feel without Rick by my side.
LIke previous posts, I was driven to finish writing this post when I hit a low point this week. As I faced something unimaginable, I prayed and spent extra time in devotion. I read something in Jesus Calling that really resonated with me.
Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world. Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties. The main problem with an easy life is that it masks your need for ME. When you became a Christian, I infused my very life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by depending on ME.
Anticipate coming face to face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you – the best place to encounter ME in MY Glory and Power. When you see armies of problems marching toward you, cry out to ME! Allow ME to fight for you. Watch ME working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of MY ALMIGHTY Presence.
I admit that I’ve been wanting life to be easy. But even in better times, it was never easy.
So my focus will be to continue to lean on my Savior, placing my trust in HIM and praising HIM for the many blessings in my life.
Like Eliza Skylar, (Angelica’s sister and a fellow widow) I have “time to tell my story.” I intend for it to be a story filled with hope, peace and love. Then I will be satisfied.
