It’s been quite some time since my Dating 201 update. Just like one advances to higher level courses in college, things got more challenging in my pursuit of love. The important thing is that I continue to learn from the experiences. Even if I don’t “graduate,” it’s about the journey, I suppose.
For one, I don’t know how to properly break up with someone. Ironically, I did it right 30 years ago on a July afternoon when I sat Rick down and said, “This isn’t working for me.” He didn’t argue with me, and he politely picked up his toolbelt (he had just renovated my condo) and left. Obviously we got back together, but that isn’t really the point.
Thirty years later I’ve handled two breakups horribly. To be honest, neither relationship should have progressed as far as it did. But because they did, when things went south, I lost my temper and lashed out on social media with one, and I sought revenge with another.
As I’ve reflected on my actions, I realize that better communication would have made a big difference. But more so, I could have avoided the dramatic breakups if I had taken things slower, set better boundaries, and hadn’t been so willing to extend trust before it was earned.
The first bad breakup was nearly a year ago and while it was necessary, I don’t feel good about how I handled things. I have since apologized. While the relationship was super fun and filled with great dates and great chemistry I was never going to have the emotional commitment I needed. Learning what I truly needed helped as I moved on, but I didn’t really learn how to communicate those needs.
In my most recent relationship, I didn’t listen to my gut. If I had, I would have realized early on that he was pretending to be the person he thought I wanted him to be. He dressed preppy and wore glasses on our first date and then quickly reverted to his “normal” look. He acted complicit about Black Lives Matter until he realized my views on it were actually aligned with his views. He wanted to be exclusive after the first date. He was alarmed when I ran a background check on him, yet he still didn’t reveal his true identity or history with me. So many red flags. But he was attentive and charming and encouraging and we shared a love of Scrabble and had the same dreams. I gave him the benefit of the doubt until he blatantly disrespected me. Then I lost it big time. And it didn’t even make me feel better. Lesson learned.
Another guy I dated this year ghosted me. Not the best way to break up, but, hey, who am to judge? It was just really confusing because we had spent a lot of time together and had started talking about what a future together would look like. To be honest, I wasn’t attracted to him and he didn’t like it when I talked about Rick. I imagine he sensed my reservation and decided to get out before investing more into the relationship.
I’m tired of investing so much time and energy into finding love. I imagine Dating 401 will take even longer than 101, 201 and 301. Dating 401 will start with a great friendship that will not drain me. I’m guessing it will be a lot more fun than the introductory courses.
I trust that God has a plan for me that includes a love like I had with Rick. Meanwhile, I’ll be busy traveling the world and Making Them Yummy Meals.
I can definitely relate. I have been secretly divorced for three years now. No one knows except the zombie, her family, and two of our three kids. I haven’t figured out yet what to do with myself. But at least I have figured out somewhat what I don’t want to do with myself.