You’ve come a long way baby

Last night I was listening to the podcast “Dear Therapist”, and Lori Gottlieb reminded her listeners that grief is not linear. I’ve heard this many times; however, last night it really resonated with me.

Five and a half years into my grief journey, the hard days are certainly fewer. While I think about Rick on a daily basis, these thoughts are mostly happy memories. Like how we partnered to host a large Thanksgiving gathering each year and how he supported me in my career. And how he was so involved in parenting our children, driving miles to comfort Annika when she was struggling at college and attending every single one of Erik’s football games.

But grief can hit you hard when you least expect it. That unexpected moment was last week as Joe and Annika and Nic and I were watching Monday night football. Along with thousands of others, we witnessed Damar Hamlin collapse from cardiac arrest. Thankfully, Damar received immediate medical care and did not lose precious minutes before being revived and after several days in the hospital he is well on the road to recovery.

It’s been over a year since I experienced a trigger like this.  

Immediately I was reminded how Rick was revived 3 times. I was reminded that precious minutes went by before medical personnel arrived on the scene. I was reminded that he had to be intubated to allow his brain to recover from the trauma. These reminders were followed  by a big “What if”.  What if Rick has been revived within a minute of his cardiac arrest?  I suppose it’s not healthy to entertain what if scenarios but I also know that a trigger sets you into a tailspin and logic and self-care take a back seat to everything else. One thing I have learned for sure;  Grief can wreak havoc on one’s mental and physical well being.  

Earlier this week, a friend connected me with a young woman, recently widowed after her husband was electrocuted on the job. My friend, rightfully so, thought I might be able to offer some support and a listening ear to her friend. As she and I spoke I was once again reminded of my early days of grief. I recalled a dream I had where I discovered that Rick’s accident was all a misunderstanding – he was really alive and in hiding while the two of us figured out how to reconcile the life insurance and let others know he was really alive. I recalled the yearning I had for Rick to speak to me as he had done with a friend who is a medium. I recalled the anger I felt over him leaving his family behind.

While the triggers from Damar Hamlin’s incident  made me sad, the triggers from my conversation with this young widow had a different impact. I certainly felt empathy in both situations but after the latter trigger, I had a much different reaction. As I listened to my new friend share her grief I recognized the emotions that I too had faced. Emotions from a very painful and difficult time – a time filled with despair and hopelessness.  

I had not forgotten the pain, yet I was struck by the sharp contrast to the hope I feel today. Time has allowed me to process changes in my life and to find joy without Rick by my side. With time I have learned that I can still love him and miss him all while forming new relationships and enjoying new experiences. I’ve come a long way in my grief journey. And for that I am grateful.