Author: Julie

Having attended 10 schools and having lived in 7 States and 13 homes, I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to make many friends over the course of my life. While some are content to have a small circle of close friends, I love having an enormous circle of friends that represent various interests and commonalities.

It has become easier to make friends as I’ve aged but I clearly remember being close minded about finding new friends when I moved from New Jersey to Illinois in 1980. I was so upset about leaving my best friend behind and I was determined to let everyone know just how unfair my life was. One day a new friend lovingly scolded me saying she was tired of hearing about how great my friends in NJ were and reminded me that I had good friends in Illinois as well. It was a good wake up call. Making new friends wasn’t going to diminish the love I had for my New Jersey friends.  And refusing to let new friends in was only serving to make me and those around me miserable.

As I have added more and more friends, the blessings in my life have multiplied. I marvel at the support I received (and continue to receive) since Rick’s passing. I love all the new friends I am making in Georgia while maintaining older friendships from work and school and past neighborhoods. I love that God gave me unlimited room in my heart for more and more friends.  

I didn’t need to make room for more friends. I didn’t want my friendship with “B” to end, but it did. She provided incredible moral support that I desperately needed during my healing journey in Chicago. And I reciprocated with a different kind of support, supporting her business. Today I was abruptly cut off and I spent the day stewing over this failed friendship. I started questioning whether I was taken advantage of and the unfairness of it stirred thoughts of revenge and retaliation, much like my quest 43 years ago to share my misery with the company around me.

Here we go again. Grief, you keep knocking on my door and I can’t lock you out.   

As I re-read the poem, A Reason, Season, or Lifetime, I was  reminded that sometimes friendships end without any wrongdoing on our part.  God put her in my life for a reason, just like Rick was in my life for a season.  I wish that knowing this lessened the pain but it does not. But it does help me focus on gratitude for the fun times we shared and the moral support she provided when I needed it most.  

Like the Girl Scouts suggest, I will continue to make new friends and keep the old.  At least for a season.

Several weeks ago as I was changing after my workout, I noticed one of my diamond earrings had fallen out. I found the back of the earring on my closet floor, so I was hopeful the earring was in the house. After much searching, I wasn’t able to find it and realized it might have fallen off during my walk. Although a hat covered my ears, I did take the hat off near the end of my walk when I got too warm.

I started searching for the earring during my daily walks. With all the wind and rain and pine needles and debris on the sidewalk, I realized I was looking for a needle in a haystack.  

I started thinking about ways I could repurpose the remaining earring and matching pendant.  I had purchased the set in Hawaii with money from the Workman’s Compensation I received after Rick’s fatal accident. I wear the set daily as one way to feel his continued prescence.

Fast forward two weeks. I’m on my walk, listening to a podcast when I looked down and stopped in my tracks. There was my earring laying on the sidewalk; the post bent back and laying with the diamonds facing up, the setting a bit scratched, but intact. I could not believe my luck.  

But was it luck? Now that I have had some time to repair the earring (and purchase locking backs) I have reflected on my good fortune in finding this item of significant sentimental value.

It seems to me that there was some divine intervention involved. Perhaps my guardian angel put in a word to God on my behalf. Or maybe God was answering an unspoken prayer.  Regardless, finding this earring was such a powerful reminder of Rick’s presence and the constant work of the Holy Spirit in my life.   

Speaking of reminders, In my women’s bible study I was encouraged to create a “My Good Life List*. The idea is to help us remember the many good things about God to remind us of his faithfulness. After completing my list I realized how easy it is to take for granted all the little miracles in my life. So much so that it took finding an earring to remind me that God is with me ALWAYS.  

God’s love isn’t just on a leaf covered sidewalk. His love and protection are everywhere.    

*Credit: www.jenniferrothschild.com/amos

Last night I was listening to the podcast “Dear Therapist”, and Lori Gottlieb reminded her listeners that grief is not linear. I’ve heard this many times; however, last night it really resonated with me.

Five and a half years into my grief journey, the hard days are certainly fewer. While I think about Rick on a daily basis, these thoughts are mostly happy memories. Like how we partnered to host a large Thanksgiving gathering each year and how he supported me in my career. And how he was so involved in parenting our children, driving miles to comfort Annika when she was struggling at college and attending every single one of Erik’s football games.

But grief can hit you hard when you least expect it. That unexpected moment was last week as Joe and Annika and Nic and I were watching Monday night football. Along with thousands of others, we witnessed Damar Hamlin collapse from cardiac arrest. Thankfully, Damar received immediate medical care and did not lose precious minutes before being revived and after several days in the hospital he is well on the road to recovery.

It’s been over a year since I experienced a trigger like this.  

Immediately I was reminded how Rick was revived 3 times. I was reminded that precious minutes went by before medical personnel arrived on the scene. I was reminded that he had to be intubated to allow his brain to recover from the trauma. These reminders were followed  by a big “What if”.  What if Rick has been revived within a minute of his cardiac arrest?  I suppose it’s not healthy to entertain what if scenarios but I also know that a trigger sets you into a tailspin and logic and self-care take a back seat to everything else. One thing I have learned for sure;  Grief can wreak havoc on one’s mental and physical well being.  

Earlier this week, a friend connected me with a young woman, recently widowed after her husband was electrocuted on the job. My friend, rightfully so, thought I might be able to offer some support and a listening ear to her friend. As she and I spoke I was once again reminded of my early days of grief. I recalled a dream I had where I discovered that Rick’s accident was all a misunderstanding – he was really alive and in hiding while the two of us figured out how to reconcile the life insurance and let others know he was really alive. I recalled the yearning I had for Rick to speak to me as he had done with a friend who is a medium. I recalled the anger I felt over him leaving his family behind.

While the triggers from Damar Hamlin’s incident  made me sad, the triggers from my conversation with this young widow had a different impact. I certainly felt empathy in both situations but after the latter trigger, I had a much different reaction. As I listened to my new friend share her grief I recognized the emotions that I too had faced. Emotions from a very painful and difficult time – a time filled with despair and hopelessness.  

I had not forgotten the pain, yet I was struck by the sharp contrast to the hope I feel today. Time has allowed me to process changes in my life and to find joy without Rick by my side. With time I have learned that I can still love him and miss him all while forming new relationships and enjoying new experiences. I’ve come a long way in my grief journey. And for that I am grateful.

I’ve always loved fresh peaches and now that I live in the Peach State I imagine I will have many opportunities to enjoy peach ice cream, peach cobbler and peach salsa.  Maybe I’ll even discover a great peach cocktail.

Another favorite food of mine is pecans. I love to add pecans to salad and at Christmas I make a sugar cookie with a pecan pie filling.  

Being a dessert fan, I imagine choosing between peach pie and pecan pie on a restaurant menu would be a tough choice.

As the five year anniversary of Rick’s passing approached, I had been contemplating a way to mark this year’s anniversary. I wanted this anniversary to be remembered in a unique way given the many changes in my life. A new home and a new love has given me a renewed focus on my future. I don’t want that focus and the physical distance from Illinois to distract me from the special memories I made with Rick.  

Of course my memories of our life together will never fade, but I mourn the fact that he is not here to enjoy the retirement paradise he helped me work for. 

I decided to plant a tree. My “sister in love,” Ellen, suggested I plant it somewhere strategic —somewhere where I can easily see it and be reminded of Rick.

So today I bought a peach tree. I will plant it with the remainder of Rick’s ashes. I have the perfect spot in the backyard. I will see the tree when I wake up and I will enjoy its beauty when I have my coffee on the porch. When the tree bears fruit, I can make a yummy cocktail and toast my forever love.

I couldn’t resist buying a second tree. Next to the peach tree will be my new pecan tree. This tree represents the next phase of my life —retirement and a new life in Georgia with a new love. Joe is patient with me, giving me space to grieve the loss of Rick. He is also a little “nutty” and knows how to make me laugh like no other. How lucky I am to be able to love and be loved again.

Peaches or pecans?  I’m glad I don’t have to choose. I love them both.

Today I looked through my posts dating back to November 2017, thinking I might organize them into a story of my grief journey. In doing so, I realized I only had 2 entries over the 15 months since I retired. I could claim that I am too busy to write, but we all know that this is not possible when my favorite thing to do is nothing!

I’ve always loved to write, but I’m especially drawn in when I’m struggling with depression. Writing has been my greatest therapy in processing my extreme feelings of grief. It’s not that I’m over my grief. I will always miss Rick and the life we shared together. But time has brought me some peace and some hope and happiness.

A good friend noticed my happiness and she asked me when I had last been so happy. It didn’t take me long to think back to a weekend in December 2016 when I enjoyed an amazing weekend with Rick and my besties in San Francisco and Napa Valley. So it was over 5 years ago. Not so long ago, yet so much has happened in those 5 years.

In particular, a lot has happened in the 15 months since I retired. 

I’ve embraced the retirement life: sleeping as much as I want, traveling as much as I can, expanding my hobbies, and slowly working on my fitness and nutrition goals.

I received some closure on Rick’s accident when we mediated a resolution with the Workman’s Compensation Insurance company as well as the parties to the wrongful death lawsuit. The resolution didn’t bring me joy per se, but it brought relief and an end to a long wait. It didn’t bring justice, but it removed the threat of Rick’s competence being questioned in a courtroom. It also allowed the kids and I to have some additional financial security.

I started an LLC partnership in Rick’s honor. It’s called Real TYM and my investment allows my son to have an early start in home ownership and gives both of us an opportunity to be landlords and AirBNB hosts.  

I bought my forever home. The place I will spend the next 30-40 years, enjoying the fruits of my labor and making TYM for the most important people in my life.

And I met a guy – “the one”. Joe is devoted to his family and has a strong faith in God. We have similar interests in writing, Scrabble, football, and boating. I smile when I think of him and together we share lots of laughter. He has great respect for Rick and knows that he will never replace him in my life or the kids’. Early in our relationship I asked him to write about his ideal day. I had written about mine 2 years earlier. When we compared our writings, I knew he was part of God’s plan for me. I absolutely adore him.

This sounds like a fairy tale ending – my happily ever after. But I’d like to think of it as a new beginning. 

That is the question I keep getting after posting a picture of my future home in Georgia.  

After talking of my plans to purchase a lake home in Iowa for 2 years, it makes sense that my decision caused mass confusion.

So, what happened?  

After a couple of my offers were not accepted and another fell through prior to closing, I pressed pause and decided to stay in Chicago a little longer and enjoy my beautiful condo and boating on Lake Michigan. I even invested in a rental property with my son where I planned to live once my condo sold. After receiving two low offers on my condo, I took it off the public market and listed it privately, determined to wait for an offer that was reasonable.

And then to my surprise, when I least expected it, my condo sold. By this time I knew that my investment purchase was not contingent on the funds from my condo which meant I could now focus on finding my lake home!

While embracing my time in Chicago, I continued to watch the real estate offerings in Iowa and found that prices were escalating and like elsewhere, bidding wars ensued anytime something great hit the market.

Then it occurred to me. If I am going to have 2 homes, including the one in chilly Chicago, the other should be in a warmer climate. I zeroed in on eastern Tennessee, western North Carolina, northwest South Carolina, and northern Georgia. Next, I looked for communities near a major airport and near a  lake where my boat club operates.  

My dilemma in getting started was deciding where to look first. I decided to start in Georgia as I was intrigued by Lake Lanier and my boyfriend’s brother-in-law is an established realtor in that area. And, as I found properties I liked in neighboring States, he referred me to realtors in his network to assist.

Like everywhere, lake properties are going under contract as quickly as they hit the market.  The first few that caught my eye had multiple offers before I had even worked on financing approval.

So once again I pressed pause.  No easy task for this impatient woman. Spending a couple of weeks in Hawaii helped. Then I worked on pre-approval and scheduled a vacation to Atlanta. I even looked into subleasing an apartment.

Then, just like the sale of my condo, when I was least expecting it, I found my forever home. During my press pause phase, I had favorited a property in Cumming GA to give my realtor an idea of the amenities I wanted. On the same day I applied for an apartment lease, I got a notification that this “favorite” property was reduced in price. After touring it via facetime, I booked a flight to Atlanta to see it in person.  

It was love at first sight. A contemporary new-build with plenty of space to entertain. A large garage and bonus space perfect for my feeding ministry, AirBNB and craft studio dreams, a dream kitchen, and a place for future grandchildren, puppies, and a pool.  This is where you will find me, vacationing at home during my retirement years.

Since I was competing with multiple offers, I did not have the time I wanted to explore the area to make sure it would fit the kind of social life I desire. But never fear. I will be connecting with former colleagues, high school classmates, sorority sisters, and a friend of my bestie who is also moving to the Atlanta area. I will be closer to my parents and sister and my boyfriend Joe has six siblings nearby including his sister who has already declared us to be retired besties. And I imagine many new friends when I find a new church home.

Looking back at the vision board I created a couple of years ago, I see my new life in this home in the images. Although it’s not Iowa, I will be taking many direct flights from Atlanta to Des Moines on Delta. But when I’m home, I look forward to frequent visits from family and friends.

Is it Iowa?  No, it just might be Heaven.

My pinterest tagline says, “Too many interests and too little time.”

On the dating sites, there aren’t enough characters allowed to describe my interests.

So, after nearly one year of retirement, I would have imagined that I would have finished some t-shirt quilts or scrapbook pages or written chapter one of my first novel. At the very least, I should have made progress on the launch of MakeTym or found success in getting fit and trim.   

It’s not that I’ve lost interest in those projects; I just found a new favorite:  Nothing.

To clarify, for me, doing nothing includes sleeping in, binging shows on Netflix, wearing my PJs all day or playing games on my phone. Basically, anything that allows me to procrastinate.

To clarify further, I don’t indulge in doing “Nothing” on a frequent basis. But when I do, I am learning to embrace it and not feel guilty about my lack of productivity.

And doing nothing is not a complete waste of time. The extra sleep I am getting includes more vivid dreams, including dreams where I get a visit from Rick. And time spent watching TV isn’t totally wasted as I’ve been knitting tons of cool stuff.

Retirement is a far cry from the busy days of balancing work and family. I can recall during my college days that I was most productive during the semesters when I had both a heavy load of classes and volunteer commitments. When time is limited, my organizational and time management skills kick in and I tend to accomplish a great deal. So it makes sense that having more time at my disposal, I am not as productive as I once was.  

As I shared my guilt of doing nothing with a friend, he said, “You deserve it.” I suppose I do.  

Now that I am retired, I have been struggling to decide where to buy my forever home.  

My dream is to be on a lake, within an hour of a major airport, and close to family. I’ve spent the last year looking on Lake Panorama near Annika with no luck.  

This has led me to consider other places. Minnesota has 10,000 lakes. I understand there are beautiful lakes in Tennessee. I could find a waterfront property in Florida.   

As I was contemplating my choices, one of my besties reminded me: “The world is your oyster.”  It is indeed. I am blessed to have the resources to live wherever I want and to spend my days writing and crafting and my winters vacationing. And my non-profit work will provide meaningful focus for the hours I used to spend hard at work.  

I know it is a silly problem to have but, nonetheless, it consumes my mind day and night. Every place I consider is missing something.  

The thing is I already live on a lake, with family, and near two airports. The only thing missing is Rick. Yes, the world is my oyster.  I’d like an oyster with room for two. 

We have all seen the toddler learning to exert their independence and declaring, “I do it myself!”  I remember being so sad when, at age 4, Annika decided she was old enough to pick out her own outfits. Thankfully, she has great style so it was easier for me to let go.

My toddler days are long gone but I am often still stuck in that mentality.  Despite the sense of accomplishment I feel in doing something on my own, my motivation is driven more by my reluctance to ask someone to invest their time, talent, or resources in me.  I suppose I don’t feel worthy.

I do love it when someone helps me.  My love language is acts of service. Two of the most memorable gifts I ever received were acts of service.  When Annika was born, my friend Susie showed up with dinner when she came over to meet my new bundle of joy.  Years later, she came over and cleaned my home for me when I was preparing for out of town guests for Rick’s funeral.  Over the years, Susie and I have exchanged a number of gifts.  She is very generous but these two non-monetary gifts are the ones that resonate most with me.

The other night at my women’s Bible study, I was sharing my feelings of being overwhelmed with the weight of my sins and my lack of discipline to do better.  One of the women suggested that I ask God to help me with this struggle. It seems so simple, but it was quite an aha moment for me. I’ve had many aha moments with this group of women who are all young enough to be my daughters.  

At work I also struggled with asking for help. Even though I was the Director with several direct reports and a large team, delegating was always a challenge for me. I certainly had the authority – the obligation really – but assigning work often made me uncomfortable and certainly impacted my effectiveness.

Knowing how much I value and enjoy helping others is  a good reminder.  I love it when someone has asked me to mentor them, or provide advice, or to show them how to do something. When I’m hesitant to ask for a favor or ask for help, I think about this joy and it provides the incentive I need to reach out.  

By doing so, I’ve mastered some challenging knitting projects, I’ve discovered some great books to help me in my faith journey, received expert advice when I was contemplating the purchase of a business, and I navigated a legal issue to a positive outcome.  I’ve even sought out editorial help with my writing!  

Yet, it still takes practice.  Asking God for his help every day is the perfect first step.  Because life is too hard to do by myself.

Not to diminish the lessons from kindergarten and other formal education settings, the experiences and life lessons I gained while working at the USDA Food and Nutrition Service (FNS) are priceless.  

33 years, 3 months and 3 days ago I arrived for my first day on the job as a GS 7 thinking my 16 years of education had fully prepared me for a career in government service. That naive 23-year-old had so much to learn! 

One of the first things I learned was how to type and how to use a computer. In 1987, we only had typewriters but soon got word processors and finally computers. This was all shared equipment, of course.  We even shared phone lines but the phones were not rotary dial phones. I remember preparing for Y2K and the fear that our systems would all crash on January 1, 2000!  And it has been amazing to see how email and the internet have influenced our work life. 

In my early years I worked in Child Nutrition, focusing on community programs. After an “automatic” promotion to grade 9, I competed for a promotion to grade 11 and then grade 12 where I had supervisory responsibility as a team lead. I fondly remember daily technical assistance calls with state colleagues who became my earliest work mentors. Their challenging questions and their insight into local operations helped me build expertise in CACFP which led to many opportunities to train and speak in front of national audiences. During this time I helped develop the guidance documents “Summertime Snacks” and “What’s in a Meal?” that became widely used around the country. These were the days before Team Nutrition and the amazing resources they now provide. 

My early days also included participation in Toastmasters, a popular mid-level management course in Lancaster, PA, and participating in and graduating from the second cohort of the Leadership Institute (LI).  While in the LI, I had a temporary assignment in our Financial Management (FM) office and I coordinated a training conference for our Child Nutrition State partners covering guidance on reporting, audits, procurement and other FM topics. I maintained close ties with the LI serving as a mentor to several future participants and also as a learning coach. My final project included an exploration of on-line training options which were non-existent in the late 90’s and essentially turned out to be sharing files on a CD rom!  

Next up was an opportunity to move from a team lead position to a supervisor. After applying for a GS13 seven different times, I finally landed the promotion I was hoping for. (Ironically, one of the jobs I didn’t qualify for was the regional nutritionist job. Although I had a degree in nutrition, I didn’t have the exact credentials needed.)

Over the next two years I proudly carried a badge and supervised 12 investigators covering a 20 state territory. I received some of the best training of my career at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center in Glynco, Georgia.  My children were quite young at the time and they were dismayed to learn that their mom learned how to tell if someone is lying! On a happier note, this was during a time when Rick was a stay at home dad and he and the kids joined me on several business trips. With my 50 mile commute, this extra family time was especially nice. I started thinking about ways I could improve my work life balance and dreamed of working as an administrative review officer. This was the only position in the agency that had a work from home option. I even considered law school to increase my chances.

Instead, I responded to an opportunity to become the WIC Director. Here I learned about the challenge of funding a grant program, the most unique feature that separates WIC from the rest of FNS’ 14 other nutrition assistance programs. I became a breastfeeding advocate and I finally worked in the one program I had learned about in college. While in WIC, I witnessed Michigan’s early adoption of EBT in WIC and showcased Illinois’ food centers when our administrator and other political officials came to town. 

During this time, I wrote my first set of Executive Qualifications (ECQs) to apply for a Senior Executive Service (SES) position in Denver. The position didn’t get filled but I was thrilled to learn that I made the qualifications list as a GS 14.  

I still dreamed of working from home and when I was turned down for an administrative review officer job, I remember crying to my mentor and telling her that I just wanted to have breakfast with my kids!  With her encouragement, I figured out a way to flex my schedule so I could see them off to school and work late. Of course, my supportive husband Rick helped make this possible. We made a great team.

After 4 years in WIC, our RA asked me to take a lateral position in Special Nutrition. My experience in Community Nutrition served me well and I quickly learned all about School Lunch and the Food Distribution Programs. I arrived at the heels of nutrient standard menu planning and helped lead the most significant meal pattern changes in the history of the National School Lunch Program. We prepared schools with a national recognition program called the Healthier U.S. School Challenge and it was a time of intense travel as we visited schools to recognize their valiant efforts to improve the health of millions of school children. I also did a lot of work to promote School Breakfast and I fondly remember convincing Indiana’s State Superintendent to amend his instructional policies to allow for breakfast in the classroom. This was a huge win.

It was around this time that I applied for a Senior Executive Candidate Development Program at USDA. At the time, FNS was only allotted 5 spots and I got cut in the third of the 5 stages in the process. I later applied for an RA position in Boston which I did not get selected for.

During my SNP director years (Part 1), I also worked with the Indian Tribal Organizations and learned a lot about Indian culture and the FDPIR.  When the administration started its plan to improve the nutritional quality of the food package, including the proposed removal of butter without consulting tribal leadership, an enormous controversy followed. The tribal members felt disrespected and it was one of many lessons learned. 

Eight years ago, the regions reorganized and WIC merged with Child Nutrition and Food Distribution. I was promoted to the SNP Director position (this is Part 2) and the scope of my responsibilities expanded. I continued to travel a lot and my WIC background came in handy especially during the 3-week shutdown in 2013. I remember daily calls with our WIC State Health Departments and our national policy officials as we calculated how many more days we could fund the program. Another highlight during this time was the challenge of growing the Summer Meals program. I visited park parties where I was interviewed on live TV and I read to goats at a mobile read and feed site. I also met sports celebrities at hunger fundraisers and I enjoyed post conference concerts at the annual NSLP conferences. There were lots of great perks to balance the challenging work.

While in SNP, I had the privilege of attending a four-week development program at the Federal Executive Institute (FEI). This challenged me in new ways and I worked with the most amazing team. It has been nice staying in touch with these dear friends and mentors. It was around this time that I gave up on my SES dream and started planning for a 2020 retirement and a consulting business. My husband Rick passed in a tragic work accident 2 years later, changing the course of my retirement plan.

Shortly after my FEI experience, I had the opportunity to fill in for 3 months at our WRO office. This offered another great growth experience and the chance to get to know more of my FNS colleague better. Living and working in San Francisco was one of my favorite experiences at FNS. Other special assignments included 2 years as an EEO Counselor and working on customer experience initiatives.

And then there was SNAP. My last 2 years have brought me full circle, being able to work in all FNS program areas. SNAP is certainly the most complicated and challenging of them all and I am so grateful to my team for embracing me and patiently helping me in my transition as their director. My success in SNAP would not have been possible without the incredible expertise of our MWRO SNAP team.  

While in SNAP I’ve been able to build on my vision for a non-profit food ministry that will allow me to tap into my food assistance experiences at USDA while also honoring the life of my late husband Rick. He lived by the motto “Make Tym”, always making time for his family. Make Them Yummy Meals will be our legacy. 

Who knew that I would end my career finally working at home full time!? Responding to a global health pandemic by launching new programs like pandemic EBT and approving waivers, rule adjustments and emergency allotments has been exhausting, but so rewarding. And then we experienced a derecho, a kind of storm I had never heard of before. This led to another new experience for me – operating a disaster SNAP program in Iowa, the newest state in our region and my future home state.   

I served under the Reagan administration, both Bush administrations, Clinton, Obama and Trump. So many training and work experiences and diversity and inclusion workshops have helped shape my political views and opened my eyes to oppression and poverty in our world. I witnessed firsthand what hunger and malnutrition look like. I learned from advocates and I have heard stories that made me sad and stories that brought me joy. 

As a supervisor I floundered and I thrived. I’m grateful for the grace I received along the way as I learned better ways to ensure accountability and to provide meaningful feedback to my direct reports.

 
I have worked with and learned from so many smart, selfless and hard-working civil servants. I’m truly in awe of the talent that I have been surrounded by during the past 33 years. I’ve had the best mentors and some wonderful bosses. Interestingly, every one of my supervisors has been male and nearly all of my mentors have been female.  

It’s been the greatest honor to serve and LEARN at the Food and Nutrition Service. Thanks for the many lessons, FNS!