Author: Julie

I'm a Fed, Foodie, Football Mom, and Woman of Faith.

My Dream

Posted on by Julie in Maketym, Retirement, Uncategorized

We didn’t have a specific plan for our future. But we had dreams.

When Erik showed an interest in being a chef, we thought it would be cool to run a restaurant. When we bought a timeshare in Maui, we thought it would be neat to spend winters in Hawaii. When I requested a transfer to Denver, we thought having a dream home in the foothills would be awesome. When his mom talked of downsizing, we thought about building a dream home perfect for two households.

But then you died and “we” became “me”.

I’ve always been a visionary and he was right by my side encouraging me and supporting me. He was so proud of my accomplishments. I remember when I was updating my resume one day and after reading it he looked at me in amazement and said “you have done some amazing shit.” I remember coming home from work one day, after learning I did not get the job I had been working toward my entire career. He calmed me down quickly and assured me things would get better.

Every day without his encouraging smile is hard; the last 22 have been unbearable. I’m on furlough from my job; my blood pressure is out of control; my therapist dropped me (insurance); there is a dispute with workman’s comp and Jeff and I broke up. Of course, if he were here I would feel better. I most likely would not be in therapy and I certainly would not be dealing with workman’s comp or the woes of dating.

But I still have dreams. As I near retirement I have been praying and journaling about a non-profit I wish to start. My vision is to have a commercial kitchen on wheels – a large scale food truck where I can prepare meals on a grand scale. My truck will show up at food pantries as families are picking up food for themselves and I will offer them a hot meal. My truck will find homeless men, women and families in need of soup and a sandwich. I will partner with rural churches and offer meals to families that are struggling to pay their utilities.

I will travel to all corners of the U.S. providing nourishment to those that need it. I anticipate being touched by the people I meet and enriched by the stories I hear. Surely I will write about my experiences.

My venture will be the perfect next step after a 33 year career in managing nutrition assistance programs at the USDA.

Maybe I will have a new partner in my life to share in this dream. (I hope so!) Or maybe this venture will lead me to him. Maybe I was only meant to have one love in my life. Regardless of how the story ends, my non-profit ministry, “Make TYM: Make Them Yummy Meals” will honor the man who always made time for others, especially me. And knowing he is proud will make this dream especially sweet.

JOY

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

In the seventeen months since Rick’s death I have been searching for my happy ending.  I’ve been dating and have met someone special BUT distance and life issues mean the relationship is moving slower than I would like.  I am taking care of myself and getting in shape and I feel beautiful BUT losing weight is so hard.  I continue to decorate my dream home and enjoy entertaining in my new space BUT the loneliness is unbearable.  

I have everything going for me; BUT  I am not happy.  In fact I am more depressed than ever.  I’m sleeping too much and having crazy dreams.  A week ago I dreamt I was I was pregnant and counted back 7 months to happily realize that Rick was the father and then woke up realizing not only am I to old; but it has been 17 months, not 7.  It feels like 7 years.  

How do you find JOY when the joy you knew for 25 years is gone?

Today in church, Andy talked about JOY and he talked about humility.  He reminded me how humility – taking the focus off ourselves – can lead to JOY.  He spelled it out this way:  Put Jesus and Others before Yourself.  

It’s actually simple and while I know that I won’t find joy from the perfect date, the greatest new outfit or even in my gorgeous dining room, that is where I have been looking.  

So my goal over the next few weeks is to ask for Gods help in seeing others as more significant than myself and to look for ways to serve others.  I really enjoy participating in acts of service so I don’t anticipate this being very hard.  In fact, it is giving me something to look forward to – I might even wake up before the alarm tomorrow.

And I will continue to build my vision for Make Them Yummy Meals – a Maketym.org not for profit organization that I will form in 2019 and launch in 2020.  It will be the beginning of my happy ending.  

7-11-17 to 11-7-18

Posted on by Julie in alone, new beginnings

My dearest Rick,

Tomorrow is 11-SEVEN-18 and it will be 483 days since SEVEN-11-17, the day you took your last breath. The hard days are fewer and far between but yesterday was a really hard day.

I just spent a weekend with my college friend Ann and I also got to see my college friends Alice, Diane, and Shelby.  You know how much I love my girl time and our time shopping, dining and drinking wine was really great.  We went to Erik’s game and then I spent Sunday with Annika doing more shopping, dining and drinking wine.  Before I fell asleep Sunday night I stared at your picture on her nightstand.  I’ve removed your pictures from my bedroom so I suppose its been a while since I looked at your smiling face.  I woke in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I don’t remember what it was about but I cried out loud enough to wake the grand pups.

It was a long drive home and I had a good cry between Iowa City and the Quad Cities. I’m so lonely without you Rick. I miss you so much and it is so unfair that we will not grow old together.  A 5 1/2 hour drive by myself meant lots of time to think.  I spent a lot of that time talking to God.  I do that a lot lately and this might surprise you but I am learning to be a better listener during these conversations. I find it strange, but your death has strengthened my faith in HIM.

God is answering my prayers, yet my day was filled with doubt and despair. The kind of despair that should have brought me to my knees in prayer – but I was driving.  Still, I prayed for God to fill the terrible void I feel.  I prayed for him to bring someone into my life that I can share all of life’s moments with.  After returning home, I went to the doctor for my annual check-up and I really needed to talk to you about it.  In my customary fashion I sat down with the computer and started writing, with tears flowing. And then he called to see how my doctor appointment was.

Before I tell you who HE is, here is some background.

On September 11, I took some time to write down what I am seeking in a relationship in this next phase of my life. SEVEN days later, (the day after your birthday) I met him on the SEVENTH dating app I tried. He checks all the boxes. He is a Christian. He is a loving father. And he loves football. Since that day we have talked ALOT. He has the gift of gab just like you. We also text a lot. I know that wasn’t your thing but I don’t think you ever discovered the talk to text feature!

He is such a sweet man Rick. He has a strong faith in God and he is devoted to his children and grandchildren. The big drawback is the distance between us. While neither of us were looking for a match outside our local area, we matched and we have really connected over the past SEVEN weeks.  He lives in Michigan. It’s not a huge distance but the added time zone change and our busy lives have made it difficult for us to connect in person…until now.

Tomorrow, on 11-SEVEN-18 we are going out on our first date. And I wanted you to be the first to know!

I will always love you Rick.

Julie

 

Do Epic Shit

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

A few weeks ago I experienced my first Chicago marathon – from the comfort of the sidewalk in front of my new home. I watched in amazement as people of all shapes and sizes ran by in the rain with smiles on their faces. Granted it was only mile 8 but still. I was watching for my friend Holley who was running in her first marathon. Although I missed her in the sea of runners, I couldn’t help but marvel at the incredible goal she and others had set out to accomplish. And don’t even get me started on the ones who can run 26.2 miles in under 2 1/2 hours. That is some epic shit!

The picture with this post is from 2014. Our shirts say “Suck it up Buttercup”. My girlfriends and I did this 5K obstacle course and we had a blast. Holley is the one on the far left. This was the year I turned 50 and I decided to run 50K over the course of the year. It was a great goal and one I am proud to have accomplished but my running days are over, just like that phase in my life where I decided to be a brunette.  (I’m third from the right.)

Holley finished the marathon in under 6 hours despite twisting her ankle halfway through. I can’t imagine running for 6 hours, especially with the added pain of an injury. Our bodies are pretty amazing and my friend Holley is amazing for sure. What she did is EPIC.

For those of us that don’t run (or gave it up) it may be hard to understand why Holley and thousands like her would spend so much TYM training to pursue such an outrageous goal. I didn’t ask Holley why she did this but I imagine she would say the sense of accomplishment in reaching such an EPIC goal made all the hard work and sacrifice worth it. In my running days, I never experienced a “runner’s high” but I can imagine that crossing a finish line after running 26.2 miles would be a life altering experience.

Shortly after the marathon, I started a bible study. Our small group is reading the Circle Maker – Praying Circles Around Your Biggest Dreams and Greatest Fears by Mark Batterson. Although I am only a few chapters in, I am learning a lot about prayer and becoming a better prayer warrior. I’ve learned that God wants us to pray boldly and with intensity. He wants us to take risks and to be specific and imagine the impossible.

God is answering my prayers and I’m learning to praise him for that even before the outcomes are revealed to me. (Stay tuned for a post on Dating 301 which I guarantee will be nothing like my Dating 101 and 201 woes.)

As I’ve practiced some new prayer skills, I have been listening to what God is calling me to do in this next chapter of my life. As this plan unfolds it is exciting to see how the seeds were planted many years ago, prior to Rick’s accident. Looking back, I can see how God has been revealing his plan to me over time and as I pray with boldness, the plan is becoming clearer…..and super exciting!

Although I am not ready to share the details, I will say that my future plan will honor Rick’s legacy to “MakeTym”.  And boy oh boy will it be EPIC!

 

Love Broke Thru

Posted on by Julie in gratitude, Love

The past 15 months have been the most challenging of my life. But I’ve turned a corner. The fog is lifting .. love broke through… and and I’m seeing God’s blessings in my life every day, not just every once in a while.

I have so many people to thank.

Thank you Susie.  Your powerful words at Rick’s funeral continue to comfort me.  Your prayers and encouragement have helped me heal.  You intuitively know when to reach out to me.

Thank you Annika for teaching me how to be a good mom and for being gracious when I fail.

Thank you Erik for calling me daily and always making sure I am ok.

Thank you Besties for always being by my side – in good times and bad.  You are my second family.

Thank you Mom and Dad.  Even when you don’t know what to say to ease my pain, you bring me comfort and support.

Thank you Tim and Michael for being a father figure in Erik’s life.

Thank you Kelli and Jim for loving my daughter like your own.

Thank you Nic for loving my daughter in good times and in bad.  I love you both and I love my grandpups.

Thank you Amy and Tammy and Julie and Susie and Laura and Christine.  As fellow members of the (young) widow club you truly understand me.

Thank you Rita for your weekly check in texts.

Thank you Mary Beth for girls nights and your perspective on single life.

Thank you Krisell and Kelly for working on my stress points and making me so relaxed during my bi-monthly massages.

Thank you Jerry for working your magic with my hair  and for introducing me to new friends.

Thank you Caitlyn for the manicures and pedicures and great girl talk. And thank you Kathy, my former manicurist for your love and friendship.

Thank you Martha, Suzi, Lily, Kristin, Inez, Christy, Holley, Ann, Liz, Amy, Dee, Vikki and Krista for continuing to include me in Gates Creek events.

Thank you Cassie and Vicky for your friendship.  You are awesome travel companions and I always enjoy our time hanging out, whether we are coloring, watching Desparate Housewives, exploring San Francisco or drinking Sangria.

Thank you to my SQUAD:  Ann, Carolyn, Sarah, and Sue.  You are more than sisters to me.  You have had my back every day.  And you have not judged me when I have made some poor choices during this crazy journey.

Thank you Gina for sending me cards to let me know I am always in your thoughts.

Thank you to my Facebook friends for encouraging me in my writing and letting me know that I am loved.

Thank you to Sandy and Linda for sharing Rick’s messages to me through you.

Thank you Rebecca for helping me find my dream home.  More importantly, thank you for sending my some great books.  “The Secret” has helped me immensely.

Thank you Dani and Lynne, not just for your decorating vision, but for your friendship.

Thank you Francine for comforting me even when you are hurting yourself.  You are such an inspiration to me. Your are strong and beautiful and wise and a survivor. Your encouraging note is on my wall and I read it every day.

Thank you Renee and Denise.  God made us cousins but you are more like sisters to me.  Thanks for  being here for me on my wedding anniversary.

Thank you to Pam, my BFF from high school.  I so enjoyed our time together in March and I love getting your bad jokes every Wednesday.

Thank you to my management team at work – Christine, Vista, and Bruce.  I am so lucky to work with you.  You all support me every day without question and without complaints.  I could not ask for better friends to work with.

Thank you to my BFF at work Alan.  I will need to write a separate post to adequately describe how much   joy you bring to my life.

Thank you to my boss Tim.  Your compassion and understanding has helped me immensely.

Thank you Hank and Michael and all my NCHS classmates for making me feel so loved and welcome at our 35th High School reunion.  And Thank You Amy for the wonderful memorial display at the reunion.

Thank you Rebecca, Kelly, Annie, and Leslie for the great dating advice.

Thank you “CH” for rejecting me.  It was the wake up call I needed to slow down and to finish my grief journey.

Thank you Jennifer for coaching me through my grieving process.

Thank you to my “writing to heal” coach Dolly.  I am attracting exactly what I am projecting.  The law of affirmation is powerful indeed.

Thank you Rick for loving me for 27 glorious years and for the amazing memories I will cherish forever.  I feel your presence guiding me in this next phase of my life.

Thank you Jeff. Your faith and integrity inspire me to be a better person.  I’m thankful that you found me.

Thank you God for your gifts. May I use them everyday to honor you and to glorify your name.

Dating 201

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

After a brief 8 week hiatus, I’m back to dating – or as one of Erik’s friends put it – back on the “prowl”.  LOL

This time I tried different sites. Not sure why I was expecting different results this time but I do have some humorous stories to share. Laughter does help.

I can easily spot the frauds. When I asked one guy if he was to good to be true he quickly responded that he was not going to continue the conversation if I thought he was not real.  He said he had verified his photos to avoid conversations like this!

Another guy claimed he could not Facetime because his iPhone was broken and he didn’t bring his computer on his business trip. Another claimed he moved to the US at age 4 but his accent was so heavy I could hardly understand him. And the one who used the name “Mason Jarle” didn’t get past hello.

A local guy seemed to be looking for a new mom for his young daughter. He wanted to exchange numbers right away and after I refused, he impatiently corresponded with me via the chat feature on OK Cupid. When I told him about Rick’s death he wanted to know where he was now.  Next.

My favorite is John from Chicago. We talked about going out to listen to some Blues music but he was very busy with a work project. I said okay, we can talk on the phone. He got angry saying he does not connect that way! Then he said he didn’t understand why I checked him out on Linkedin- he wanted to know why I cared about his business contacts! I reported him to OKCupid and he created a new profile with a different picture but the very same profile.  “I like wine and gin LOL”  I’ve reported him three times and today he reappeared with an added message.  “Please don’t report me just because I don’t answer your messages quickly enough” So I couldn’t help myself. I reported him again. He wasted my time so I’m going to waste his.

Another guy from Chicago responded “north side” when I asked what neighborhood he resided in. At least he was smart enough not to say east side. Then he asked me for a 50 dollar iTunes card. After a simple no he sent numerous messages begging me to help him before I could block him.

Stupidly, I thought “Luxy” would be a good site to try. It’s for the rich and beautiful and there is a process for users to verify identity and income. Funny how I mostly get messages from the ones that have skipped the verification process.  Besides the frauds using male model pictures, I get messages from guys the age of my children, saying how they love older women. One came right out and asked if I would be his sugar mama.

So, it’s time to move on to Dating 301.  I’m going to see where things go with Chip, a nice man I have been seeing for a couple of weeks. And I’m looking into a dating service where couples are matched based on mutual interests. It will require an investment but surely men who live in Turkey, using a model’s pictures are not going to pay the member fee when they can’t hide behind a computer.

Last night I had a great talk with one of Erik’s friends who told me about his mom, also a widow who is remarrying soon.  He assured me that I will find love again and until then, any creeps that I meet will be taken care of by him and Erik and the guys.  They have my back.

 

 

That hurt

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

My feelings are hurt. And while I know it has nothing to do with me, it still hurts.

On Friday morning I was outside the DC airport and ran into several colleagues from our Western office. I had not seen them since working there in 2016. As we were walking and talking on our way to the entrance, a woman came face to face with me on the sidewalk and yelled, “Bitch, MOVE!” I was so shocked I didn’t say anything. In hindsight I wish I had apologized for being in her way and offered to buy her a cup of coffee. She clearly needed an act of kindness. It’s sad how a complete stranger’s comment keeps ringing in my ears three days later.

Last night I texted a “friend” to see how he was doing. It had been 2 months since we talked and at that time he had suggested we stay in touch. I did not indicate a desire to get together but he quickly texted back that while he was flattered to hear from me, he does not have feelings for me. Ouch. I know a little bit about his relationship history and assume that is what inspired his conceited and hurtful response, yet, it left me feeling really bad about myself.

And then there are the numerous unsolicited comments I’ve received from one individual over the past year. Comments that are filled with judgement over decisions I am making as I navigate life without Rick.  It is coming from a person that I love dearly, making it all the more difficult for me to respond to or ignore. I know this person does not intend to hurt me but that has been the effect.

These three situations are very different – they are coming from a complete stranger, an acquaintance and a family member. Yet I believe each of these individuals have something in common. They are hurting.

My good friend Susie is a very wise servant of God and she is always sharing her insights based on her life experiences. One of her posts from long ago resonated with me at the time and it certainly applies to my current situation. She said, “Hurting people hurt people”. I use this lesson to remind myself that it really isn’t about me. Knowing that the hurtful comments are coming from a place of pain does help ease the pain of hearing it. Yet, not entirely. Despite the therapy and counseling and coaching I have worked through over the past year, my self esteem is fragile, my heart is tender and hurtful comments bring me to tears even though my logical side is telling me, “It’s not about YOU”!!!!

I want it to be about ME!  I miss coming home from work and Rick asking me about my day. He genuinely wanted to know and he cared deeply about my happiness. I miss the acts of kindness he displayed – like doing my laundry, finding my favorite wine, rubbing my shoulders or just reassuring me when I was scared. He never missed an opportunity to tell me how proud he was of me. And he always kissed me goodnight. I really miss his kisses.

I’m hurting too. While I would not try to compare my pain to other’s, I do hope that I am not inadvertently using my pain to inflict hurt on others. Revengeful thoughts do enter my head and not acting on them takes strength and prayer. There is to much pain in our world and I would hate to be adding to it, especially with people I care about. For those that are hurting my prayer is that they find comfort – whether it is through faith in God, love from friends and family, or a really good therapist. I’ve been lucky to have all three.

It’s been said before but it’s worth repeating. Be Kind – For Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle.

 

Goodbye

Posted on by Julie in goodbye, Grief, Maketym

Over the past 6 weeks I have been working with a grief coach.  The “grief recovery” program I have been  using has involved a number of exercises leading to a completion letter.  The goal of the completion letter is to become complete with everything that has been unfinished until now.  The letter allows me to keep fond memories and all positive aspects of our relationship while saying goodbye to any pain, unmet hopes, dreams and expectations.

I am sharing my letter here because doing so is therapeutic for me.  However, I have omitted a few things that are to personal to share and I’ve omitted one section that would cause to much pain to others if shared.

My dearest Rick, 

Over the past year I’ve had lots of time to reflect on our relationship.  I have so many things that I  want to tell you.

Rick, I am so sorry that I didn’t make our marriage more of a priority.  I took your love for granted and I didn’t clearly communicate my desires and disappointments.  Nor did I take your needs seriously.  I should have told you how important a proposal was to me and I should have done more to fulfill your  needs in our relationship.  I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I didn’t work harder to understand your concerns with disciplining our children.  I thought you were to hard on them but honestly I was to lenient and I should have met you part way.

I really regret that I didn’t speak up when I witnessed  ……I suspect that you knew it wasn’t right.  After all you had your doubts about …..   I’m sorry I didn’t speak up and I forgive you for not addressing this conflict.  

I am also sorry that I did not push you to change careers.  I should have shown more encouragement and support for you to return to school.  I wish I had nagged you more about getting out of construction.  I knew it was what you loved to do and you were so good at it and took pride in your work.  I’m haunted by the fact that you would still be here if I had pushed for you to leave the construction industry.   

I never really shared with you that I would have enjoyed the opportunity to retire early and not be the primary financial supporter of our family.  I sometimes resented the fact that our best friends lived a more comfortable lifestyles due to the jobs the guys held.  I forgive you for not being the kind of financial provider that I wanted.

In addition to the burden of being our family’s primary wage earner, I resented having such a long commute to work.  I forgive you for not understanding how important it was to me to live closer to Chicago.

Now that I am on my own, I have my dream home in the city.  I know it is not the  location you wanted but I do think you would like it and I know you would be proud of all the decisions I am making.

I mourn the fact that we will not retire in Hawaii with you as we dreamed.  The kids and I will be going back in April and we will spread your ashes.  Maui was your favorite place and I think it will be the perfect resting place for you.  

I really miss you and I am struggling now that I am living alone.  I am lonely and feel so broken.  Everyone tells me that I am so courageous but I don’t feel it.  You know I have always had trouble getting up early.  Now it is worse than ever.  All I want to do is sleep and when I am awake all I want to do is eat and drink wine.  I can’t concentrate at work and I have taken my anger out on loved ones when I haven’t felt supported.

I have tried to date and it has been a frustrating process.  I have run into a number of fakes – the first one broke my heart and after that it was easier to spot them.  Nevertheless, every time I do it makes me angry and sad.  I had an amazing first and last date with a guy that I thought was perfect for me.  But he rejected me and my vulnerable self didn’t take it very well.  I went through a phase where I was settling – dating a 34 year old and others that were not on the same page as me.   I convinced myself that I could handle the non-committal guys that just wanted to have fun.  I couldn’t.  I took a break for about 6 weeks.  I tried some different sites this time only to find out they are all the same.  In addition to consuming my time, I am left disappointed and depressed once again.  

I found a new church in my new neighborhood.  Every week the message really speaks to me.  So, despite the hardships I am encountering, I look forward to church every week and leave feeling encouraged and at peace.  I am learning to trust that God has a plan for me.  He is greater than anything we can imagine.  I know that you know that.  I am thankful that you had faith in God and that you accepted Jesus as your savior.  It brings me peace to know that you are in Heaven and I hope it as you imagined it after reading the book of Revelations.  I can clearly remember you talking about that as your favorite book in the Bible.  

Your death means I have a second chance at love and a second chance to work on mistakes I made in our relationship.  I am praying for patience.  This time I will not rush things like I did with you.   When my next love finds me,  I will be clear in expressing my needs and I will be sensitive to my partner’s needs.  I want to thank you for the lessons I learned from our relationship.  

I want you to know that I loved you so much.  I am thankful for the beautiful children we created together.  They miss you and love you so much.  You were an amazing dad and they are amazing kids..  I want you to know how sad I am that you will not see Annika and Erik get married.  I am even sadder that you will not be here to meet your grandchildren.  I know you would have been an amazing grandpa.  On the special days moving forward, you will always be in our heart and we will double our celebration to make up for your absence.  I would like to think that you can see us and are able to rejoice in our happy moments from afar.  What I do know is that your are forever in my heart.  

I am thankful for 25 wonderful years of marriage and nearly 30 years of knowing you..  You were such an amazing friend, lover, and husband to me.  You always put your family first and I am a better person having been loved by you.  We are all carrying on your legacy to “MakeTym”.  You touched so many lives when you were here on Earth and you continue to do so.

Rick, I will always love you and miss you.  Good bye my love.

Julie

Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

I’ve been taking a break from dating to work on myself.  Yeah, the idea was to find happiness and the rest will follow.  But honestly, dating is still on my mind 24/7.

As I’ve worked with my life coach on my “grief recovery”, I’ve been waiting for the right time to discuss a love interest (apart from Rick).  I don’t regret signing up for the program.  It is helping me bring closure to an amazing relationship that ended to soon.

I hired a personal trainer and did my hair and make up for our first session…just in case.

I took golf lessons,  because…men.  (But I did learn a lot and I’m pretty good.)

I’m spending to much money on clothing, facials, massage, manis, pedis, and hair appointments to be as attractive as I can.  It was nice to splurge but it’s time to get back on track with my budget.

I’m getting to know my neighbors but disappointed that the average age in my building is 70.  I’ve balanced that with new friends at my church where 80% of the members are in their 20s and 30s.  Where are all the 50 and 60 year olds?

I even gave up drinking to lose weight.  Ha!  Not really.  But I did cut back by subbing sparkling water in a wine glass with frozen grapes.  It’s not the same but my trainer is pretty proud.

All these changes have something in common.  They are all things I can control.  And while being in control benefitted me in finding my first love and in  enjoying a successful career as a government executive it’s not working for me in finding happiness in 2018.  If I am honest with myself, I know I am not really in control. God is.

I know this.  But do I really believe it?   Believing it means trusting that God is so great and so loving that only God truly knows what is best for me.  How can I let go of my expectations and trust that God is in control of my destiny?  I feel like a rebellious teenager wanting to do things MY way.

While my prayers have been to find a new love to retire with and grow old with, what if God’s has a different plan for me?  One that is better.  What if God’s plan is one where I am happy AND single.   Maybe some day I will be thanking God for unanswered prayers.

If you have been praying for me as I find my way without Rick by my side, please pray for my ability to let go of my need to be in control. Pray that I can let go and learn to trust in God’s plan for the next phase of my life journey.  I know that is a prayer that God will answer.  I believe.

AMEN

 

One YEAR

Posted on by Julie in Acceptance, Grief, memories

A YEAR ago my life changed forever.  Without warning you collapsed; your heart stopped.  You were revived three times and as you lay in the hospital unconscious and broken, I pleaded with you to open your eyes.  But you didn’t respond; you were already gone.  A few days later I whispered “I love you” in your ear and as you took your last breath, I let go of your hand.

I let go of your hand.

I let go of your clothes;

I let go of our furniture;

I let go of our home;

I let go of our dreams for the future.

I started a new journey in the city.  I discovered a passion for writing.  I designed my dream home.  I formed new plans for my retirement.  I started to find my way out of the fog of grief.  I tried to rush it, and learned to take my TYM and slow down.  Letting go takes TYM.

As I continue my journey in YEAR two without you I will continue to let go.

I will let go of your ashes;

I will let go of all the dating apps;

I will let go of wearing my wedding ring;

I will let go of some weight;

I will let go of my grief;

I will let go of my fears;

I will let go of the hurtful relationships in my life.

In the coming YEAR as I let go of all these things I will build myself up again. I will lean on God.  As I heal I will gain strength and confidence and I will find a new happiness. Just like YEAR one, there will be bumps in the road but my family and friends will be there to keep me from crashing.

In the coming YEAR I have goals to achieve and living to do. I’ll be building muscle at the gym and working on my swing on the golf course. I’ll be honing my cooking skills and entertaining friends in my new home. I’ll be watching football and going to concerts. I’ll be traveling to Florida and to Hawaii and maybe Sweden.  I’ll be starting my first novel.  I’ll be continuing my countdown to retirement.

Most importantly I will be learning how to be happy on my own.   I will be learning to trust that God has a plan for me.  Despite my faith, my need to be in charge makes this difficult.  It’s hard to imagine a plan — a happy one – that won’t include you.  I need to let go of my doubts.

As I fully let go and find my way without you, I will hold on to your memory and love.  For that is buried deep in my heart and will always be with me.