Author: Julie

I'm a Fed, Foodie, Football Mom, and Woman of Faith.

Who Am I?

Posted on by Julie in Acceptance, IDentity

It’s amazing how God is working miracles in my life.  This past week was so gloomy for me – just like the weather.  After much meditation and prayer, I finally deleted all the dating apps from my phone.  Then knowing I could still log on via the computer, I deleted the accounts.  Then panic set in and I signed up for two more (without paying the member fee).  When I saw that I could not read messages, I deleted those as well.  Despite the horrendous experiences I was having I can’t believe how hard this was.

It took several rejections, and me not handling it very well to realize that I really wasn’t ready to date.  I’m still grieving the loss of the life I had with Rick and I am adjusting to living as a household of one.  I was searching for the right guy to make me happy again instead of doing the things within my control that will bring me joy.

When my friend Jerry told me about a single 55 year old doctor he want’s me to meet, I told him not just yet, I’m busy working on me.  Oh my goodness, I still can’t believe I said that. Who is this woman?  I don’t recognize her! I can only explain it as a God thing.

On Saturday morning I woke up still feeling gloomy.  After reaching out to my girlfriends and a trip to the salon for a cut and color I felt so much better.  I settled in for the night and watched the second season of Queer Eye.  Just like season one, this one did not disappoint.  The stories of love and acceptance lifted my sprits even more.  I slept well and had no trouble waking up this morning.

I visited a new church in my neighborhood and was welcomed warmly by so many members.  The  message was about identity and God’s love for us and building our foundation in a way that will make us strong when we are faced with life’s trials.  I have paraphrased this in a way that does no justice to the amazing message Andy gave.  But my point is this:  The message really resonated with me – so much that I was moved to tears.  It validated for me that I need to accept and love the identity that God gave me and to trust in his plan for me in this next phase of my life.

After church I attended the Chicago Gay Pride Parade.  Talk about acceptance and being comfortable with your identity.  It was so beautiful to see thousands of people in all shapes, colors and sizes wearing all kinds of crazy outfits (one wore tape only!) celebrating their identity in an accepting environment.  Whether they were dancing in the parade or waving from the crowds, everyone was smiling and having fun.

As I watched the parade from a private party, I met some new friends.  I really connected with one in particular, a fellow Fed who is also new to Chicago and healing from a broken relationship.  As he hugged me he said, I am so glad I met you Julie.  We are both going through similar situations and our friendship is going to be healing for both of us – and you don’t have to worry about me hitting on you cause I’m gay AF!

So I think I can do this.  I have a new identity.  I’m no longer Rick’s wife.  I’m Julie, a single widow getting used to her new identity; a single woman, learning to accept this new version of herself.

A Daughter’s First Love; A Son’s First Hero

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

Of all the days I’ve been dreading in this first year, I think Father’s Day is the one that weighs heaviest on me. And because I am fortunate to have my dad in my life, (He turned 84 years young on the day before Father’s Day) my sadness is for my children.   They have endured 11 months and one week without their dad.  And today, as the world celebrates fatherhood it’s another painful reminder of how much they have lost.  I want nothing more than to take away their pain.

Rick became a dad on February 20, 1995.  After a long day of labor Annika Marie arrived.  Rick drove home around 2 am.  He was so elated, so excited and so overcome with the gravity of becoming a father that he drove erratically and worried that he would be pulled over.  He would tell you that it was the happiest day of his life.

23 months later, on January 28, 1997 Rick rushed me to the hospital and 20 minutes after we arrived he was the proud father of a son.  We named him Erik David and our family was complete.

As young working parents, we were busy yet happy.  When my work travels took their toll on our work/life balance, Rick quit his job to be a stay at home dad.  In my newest role at USDA I had a 20 State territory as a supervisory investigator and I had many staff to meet.  Rick and the kids joined me on on all my trips that were within driving distance.  It was the greatest year of our lives.  It is the best example I know of him Making TYM for what was important to him — our family.

As the kids got older, fatherhood for Rick meant daddy/daughter dances with Annika, coaching Erik in football, and so many other great moments.  Family vacations, college visits, phone calls, fishing at grandma’s house, football games, and grilling out on Father’s day.

While it’s nice to honor all the dads on the 3rd Sunday in June, Rick lived every day over the last 22 like it was Father’s Day.  He treasured his daughter and wanted nothing more than her happiness.  He loved his son and he pushed him to achieve more than he was able to achieve in life.  He was so proud of both of them.

So today, my daughter grieves the loss of her daddy.  He will not be here to walk her down the aisle.  Today my son grieves the loss of his dad.  They cannot bond over beers and and he will no longer hear his dad’s praise after a game well played.

While today is sad, I am grateful.  My kids has an amazing father that loved them dearly.  They have memories of a dad that was truly the best during his short life.  There is no doubt in Annika and Erik’s mind that they were loved dearly.  Now that he is gone, others have stepped in to love them and mentor them.  They are lucky to have male role models like my cousin Tim, my brother Michael and Nic’s dad Jim.

And I’m grateful for my dad.  Not only did he provide a loving and safe home for me growing up; he provided me with an education and my first home and he helped me find my career with the USDA.  Thank you Daddy.

To all the Dad’s – Happy Father’s Day!

 

 

 

Dating 101

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

 

All these months I’ve been writing on MakeTym.com and I haven’t talked much about the true theme of this blog – about making time for what is important.  It really hit me today.  As I’ve been reflecting on my  latest dating fail, I realized with some help from my girlfriends that were willing to get real with me that I need to slow down.  I need to take the time needed to find the right guy for me.  As I pressed pause this weekend, I had the opportunity to take a crash course in dating, courtesy of the best girlfriends a girl could ask for.

Slowing down is not easy for me.  I like to live life in the fast lane.  I complete work tasks fast and when I want something I go after it.  After 25 amazing years with Rick I miss the emotional and physical connection we had.  Every day that it takes to find that next love connection feels like a wasted day of my life.  In my mind I know this is not really true.  My lonely heart tells me something else.

I know I can find love again but I lack the patience and the stamina needed to weed out the frauds and to make time to get to know the others.  You could say that I’m being lazy.  I am in a rush to get off of the dating sites and I don’t feel confidant that I will meet someone any other way.  And regardless of how I meet someone, I am not taking the time to let the relationship unfold organically.  Writing this makes me realize how desperate I must seem to the men I am meeting.

Part of my impatience with the process is the plethora of frauds on these sites.  I’ve become quite good at spotting them and the last one was so mad when I called him out, he accused me of being fake and said he was not going to be my next victim and that I must be a serial dater.  Really!  When I had a date the other night, Erik asked me if the guy was real.  I had to laugh.  Yes, he was real.  We had talked and texted a bit.  But then, he stood me up.  Ouch.  He was real alright.  A real jerk.

And being an open book doesn’t help.  I extend trust quickly and I freely share information about myself.  Why read the book if you already know what happens in the last chapter, right?  A girlfriend advised me to guard my heart and not let anyone in until they have earned the right to it.  Such wise words.  I know she is right.  The moment Rick fell in love with me was when I was dating him and another guy concurrently.  All of the sudden I was not around every time he called.

And let’s talk rejection.  It hurts.  Two failed connections in particular were really hard on me.  It’s not just feeling like you are unworthy of love — For me, it brings back the terrible loss of losing my husband.  The waves of grief just roll back in, drowning me in sorrow and showering me with a loneliness that cannot be shaken.

Writing a profile summary on these sites just adds to the madness.  How do you describe yourself in a way that men will find endearing and intriguing, yet not to revealing?  For me it feels like I need to “market” myself with the very best pictures and a perfect description of my interests and all my good qualities.  I would say 90% of us on these sites like to be active, enjoy movies, and good food and wine  and the Cubs.  So original!   It’s so maddening I’ve thought about changing my summary to something like this:

Overweight, average looking older woman with poor hygiene seeking relationship.  I’m lazy, drink too much, have no money and will text you constantly.  I do not have a sense of humor, and I am not interested in holding hands or cuddling.  I lead a boring life and would not change a thing!  I have a lot of hang ups related to past relationships but I’m sure I can get it right this time.  I’m very controlling and needy and will expect you to cater to my every whim.  Message me and let’s see if we have a connection!

Now that I think of it, this might attract just the right guy – one who can appreciate my sense of humor.

But seriously, I’m going to give it another week (just kidding!).  I’m going to enjoy my first summer in Chicago with all the great friends I have and hopefully meet some interesting new people along the way. Someone out there is looking for me and when he finds me…..well, he’s going to be blown away at what a great catch I am.

I will (always) remember you

Posted on by Julie in memories, Uncategorized

It’s almost Memorial day, a time to remember the fallen; the brave men and women that sacrificed their lives defending our freedom.  My own personal connection to a fallen soldier is David Fisher, a relative on my mom’s side who died in 1968 at age 21 during the Vietnam war.  I was only 4 years old and never met him, but having lost Rick means I am better able to empathize with others who have lost a family member.  Whether our loved one died a hero defending our country or from cancer or from an accident, the loss is painful, numbing and sad.

This Memorial day, I will remember the fallen, but mostly I will remember Rick.  As I approach one year without him I have been thinking about so many sweet memories of our life together.  As I have started to date and create new memories with my friends I think about how this will impact those memories of Rick.  Does the passage of time make the memories foggier?  Does creating new memories mean I am dismissing or tossing those memories aside?  No way.

I remember a pastor of mine equating the love in our heart to a pie that can be cut into multiple pieces.  He talked about how having a second child does not take away or diminish the love you have for your first child; it’s just another piece of the pie.  Each piece of the pie is the same and you love each piece equally, no matter how many pieces there are.  And just like there is enough love in one’s heart for many family and friends, I believe there is plenty of space in my heart for memories.  Adding new memories will never take away the fond memories already stored.  I just might need to bake a bigger pie.

Rick still leaves me little signs to let me know he is with me.  This weekend I hosted 3 of my sorority sisters and we had an amazing time together walking along the lake, shopping, dining and dancing till the wee hours of the morning.  At 6 am this morning I awoke to a swat on the right side of my butt and it was not my girlfriend Sue who was sound asleep to my left on the other side of the bed.  I’d like to think it was Rick teasing me about something I will leave between him and I.  But It’s also his way of letting me know that he approves of the people I am meeting and the changes I am making in this next chapter of my life.  I think he sees how happy I am.  He also sees that not every day is a happy one but the good outnumber the bad.

Tomorrow I will make one last visit to our Oswego home and I will leave some of his ashes in a few strategic places.  Memorial Day seems to be the perfect day to reflect on the great memories we made on Arbor Lane and to leave a piece of him there forever while burying the memories of him deeper into my soul to make room for some new ones.

 

 

 

Happy Mother’s Day

Posted on by Julie in Friends

The greatest joy in life is friendship.  I am so blessed to have a large Tribe that has my back. My friends are especially important to me after losing my best friend Rick 10 months ago.

With Mother’s Day approaching it’s only appropriate to tell you about two friends in my life that are a constant, my very best friends, my children.  Every parenting book will tell you that you should not be your child’s friend.  But that doesn’t apply when they are adults, right?  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

My children are both adults and having adult children is great.  We can experience things on more of a peer level and as all three of us become more educated our discussions follow suit. Our humor and ability to laugh also seems to improve with age.

I’ll start with Erik.  He calls me several times a day.  He is sometimes the only person I talk to on a given day.  I’ve never been good at making phone calls.  Just ask my mom.  I don’t even call her very often.  But Erik has stepped up as the man of the family and it really is nice to hear his voice every day, checking on me to be sure all is well.  (Sometimes he is calling for money, but he doesn’t start the conversation with that!)  He also comes home almost every weekend.  I do realize it might be more about his friends and the fun things to do in Chicago, but still.  Now that I am living alone it is so nice to have him and his friends around.

Erik and I share a love of shopping, football, and cooking.  Well, eating might be the real love.   We have been having fun discovering new places to dine in Chicago.  On St. Patrick’s Day we had a fun night dancing.  I can thank his Godmother for teaching him to dance.  (”Just move your shoulders”) and ever since that night I’ve been asking him when he is going to ask that cute nursing student for a date.  Hey, sometimes we need a little help from our friends.

My daughter Annika is not only my favorite travel companion, our shared interests in sushi, 5K’s, sangria, pineapples, and Netflix means we always have something fun to do when we are together.  When she joined the same sorority as me our shared sisterhood gave us another opportunity to share something we both value.

Annika and I are both quiet and we have a common talent in communicating well in writing. I love getting letters from her and we share a journal that we pass back and forth.  When we are together we really enjoy each other’s company, whether we are drinking Sangria in the south of Spain or watching This is Us and crying over our similar loss.

Our relationships with each other definitely changed with the death of their father.  As I have relied on my children to help me make decisions regarding the details of Rick’s funeral and the sale of our home, my children have been thrust into adult conversations that normally occur later in life. It’s like I have shifted some of my husband’s “friend” duties to them.  My closest friends are there for me in good times and in bad and my children are no exception.

Having these two in my life is my greatest blessing.  Over the past year I have dreaded certain holidays and I know Father’s Day will be bittersweet, particularly for Annika and Erik. But I am truly looking forward to this Mother’s day grilling steaks and drinking Sangria with my two best friends.

SWF seeks SM for LTR

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

Being single at 53 and looking for the perfect man in 2018 is so complicated!

After being catfished right out of the gate, my radar is on high alert.  After I questioned Robert from the UK about using Marco Robinson’s pictures he split faster than an Olympic sprinter.  Next there was David from New Providence, PA.  When I insisted on facetiming to verify his identity he never responded.  The next day, eHarmony notified me that they had removed him from the site.  eHarmony also removed Mark from New York and AJ from Dallas just after we had exchanged introductory messages.

Yesterday I started a lovely conversation with Michael from Coral Springs.  After his profile disappeared he explained that he cancelled his membership after connecting with me.  He has no social media accounts since his attorney advised him to delete everything after being catfished.  Right.  He had several excuses for not being able to FaceTime.  Another one bites the dust.

I tried another app where identifies are verified.  Brad is obsessed with my foot photo on Instagram.  Not a very stimulating conversation.  Howard sent a funny gif and is now MIA.  Others have not reached out even though we both “swiped right”.  And to be clear, I am not on Tinder.

I’m taking a break from the on-line game for now.  Since I’m paid up for several months, my profile remains on line but it has been updated with a warning, using a few choice words.

I’ve gotten lots of advice from friends.  One suggested that  because I had so many wonderful years with Rick and because my grown children do not need a new father that I do not need to be dating.

A couple of friends have suggested looking for someone the old fashioned way.  Could I meet someone at church or at work?  I could take a dance class or cooking class.  Maybe there is someone in my building or someone who I see on the bus each day?  I guess this is possible but it seems like such a long shot and I would have to remove my wedding ring.

Yesterday I had a lovely conversation with Danita at my nail salon.  She shared her story of meeting her husband of one year.  After a 15 year marriage she was single for 13 years.  She prayed that she would meet a nice Christian man and she did.  He noticed her on the train each morning and one day when her train buddies were not with her they struck up a conversation and immediately connected.

Danita isn’t the only one who has encouraged me to pray.  My dear friend Susie reminds me every day that I need to pour my heart out to God.   I did just that last night.  Mostly I prayed for patience.  A virtue I do not have.  My prayers have helped bring clarity to what I want and what I might do moving forward.

Boy do I have ideas!  Stay tuned and I’ll share what God has planned for me.

A Gift to Myself

Posted on by Julie in Confidence, gift

Tonight was my last night in an 8 week Grief Therapy group.  One of the things we were asked to bring for sharing was a gift we wanted to give to ourself, perhaps in the form of a letter.  I immediately knew I wanted to write something that would be affirming.  Something that would help me forgive myself.

The timing of this request was particularly difficult coming out of a week that was one of the happiest yet one of the most traumatic I’ve experienced.  It came at a time when I do not feel good about myself.   I feel stupid and embarrassed.  Naïve and afraid.  Sad and lonely.  To write this letter, I needed to dig deep and remind myself of how special I am.  I needed to give myself grace.  This is what I shared at therapy:

Dear Julie, 

Recently you decided to start dating.  You were nervous and despite hurting your family in the process you dove in.  You picked a reputable dating service (eHarmony) and you indicated a preference for International so you would be forced to take things slow and get to know someone at a distance.  You are a really smart woman.  It’s one of the things Rick loved about you.  You are also strong and demonstrated the kind of sweet vulnerability needed in order to find love again.

When an extremely good looking man named Robert from the UK contacted you, you felt like a school girl experiencing her first love.  As you got to know Robert through long conversations, you basked in the compliments and dreamed about the promises of exciting adventures.  You could not eat or sleep.  Thoughts of Robert consumed you.  Your friends immediately noticed a glow about you.  You felt more alive and more beautiful than you had since your wedding day.  When Robert told you he was coming to Chicago for a temporary work assignment you could not believe your good fortune.

Your girlfriends encouraged you and shared in your happiness yet offered to do some background checks to keep you safe.  Your friends are smart too.

Your dear friend Amy, also a widow, made the difficult call to let you know that Robert was a fraud.  Robert was using pictures of Marco Robinson, a model, actor, and author from the UK.  As you checked Marco’s Instagram, all the pictures of Robert popped up including the ones of him at his restaurant and the selfies that you thought had been snapped just for you.

As you came crashing down from your high you regretted telling so many that you had met someone special.  You were so ashamed and wanted to hide away at home and hibernate.  

This letter is about what makes you special Julie.  It’s really important that you know this truth even if the last time you heard it was from a con man.

You are strong and resilient.  You have faced plenty of adversity in your life.  Each time you have bounced back stronger than ever.  You have modeled this for your children and they too are resilient.

You are smart.  I said it earlier but I will say it again.  Because you are smart you have established an amazing career for yourself.  Because you are smart you did not divulge to much personal information to Robert and you would not have sent money to Robert if he had asked.

You are trusting.  You always believe the very best about others.  Because you have learned a valuable lesson in not extending trust too quickly, you will be more reserved in the future knowing that there are people in this world that cannot and should not be trusted.  

You are a visionary.  You have a passion for so many things and you are able to immediately build excitement around reaching goals even if you run into roadblocks along the way.  You know what you want and you go after it.

You are beautiful and you do not need a man to shower you with compliments or gifts to be reminded of this.  Likewise, you are loved.  You are loved by your family and so many friends.  You were loved by a kind and generous man for 27 years and another kind and generous man will find you someday and love you just the same.  Meanwhile, remind yourself of this daily by reading this letter.  It’s my gift to you.

Julie

(The picture is of Marco Robinson from his Instagram page marcorobinsonnow.  I did not request permission to use it but I did contact him to advise that his photos were being used by someone posing as Robert Jonas)

All by my selfie

Posted on by Julie in alone, Uncategorized

I am a classic introvert.  I get my energy from being alone – it gives me time to recharge my battery.  Those that work with me know that I can spend my entire day in my office.  I would rather write an email instead of making a phone call.   Others are surprised by this because I also enjoy a large social network and when I am caught up on work and household responsibilities I love a great party or outing with others.

For an introvert, living alone has it’s perks.  I eat whatever and whenever I want.  I have total control of the remote and there is no compromising on how to decorate.  I can hog the covers and I can sleep peacefully without hearing my partner’s snoring.

I’ve had the perfect weekend by my selfie.  I treated my self to an hour massage on Thursday night; On Friday I had a great  lunch date with a dear friend; I had an amazing meal and margarita at my favorite Mexican restaurant after work; and I caught up with a high school friend of Rick’s who called to check in on me.  He convinced me to give a dating service a chance and I spent the rest of my evening filling out my profile.  On Saturday I shopped for some new glasses and splurged by purchasing two pair – I couldn’t decide.  I spent the afternoon at the nail salon getting pampered and picked up my favorite Chicago pizza which I enjoyed at home with some Yuengling – Rick’s and my favorite beer.  I watched The Greatest Showman twice.  It was that good.

As I was watching the movie the first time, I was so moved by the music I started crying.  I haven’t cried in a while and the floodgates opened wide.  So wide I was soon drowning in my sorrow.  Nine months into my grief I have been keeping busy and working hard to find a new normal in my life.  I’ve been so focused on moving forward that I suppose I have pushed my grief aside.  I’ve been avoiding certain people and certain triggers.  I’ve been stressed by my renovation and yet another failed contract on the sale of my Oswego home.  I’ve been treading water in a stormy sea.  It felt good to cry and it prompted me to pull out the hundreds of condolence cards I received.  I had been meaning to do this and re-reading the notes brought me comfort as I rewatched the movie a second time with less tears.

Being a night owl, I wasn’t ready to turn in just yet.  I looked at a message I received on eHarmony from a nice looking man my age and I sent a note back.  I played some scrabble, closed my blinds, turned off all my alarms and drifted off to 11 hours of sweet slumber.

So on this dreary Sunday I am listening to the Greatest Showman soundtrack as I blog in my PJ’s and eating popcorn for lunch.  I’m continuing my conversation with my match  and I’m catching up with my kids on a three way call.  This is not the life I imagined for myself.   I am all by my selfie but I am happy.

 

 

 

 

Mikkelson Party

Posted on by Julie in Anniversary, Maketym

Celebrating his birthday without him was hard.  Thanksgiving and Christmas, also hard.  New Years and St. Patty’s day – hard because those days carry special meaning to our relationship.  Second only to the most special day of all – March 28, our Wedding day.  How do you celebrate the anniversary of your wedding day when you are no longer a party of 2?

Obviously there will not be a romantic dinner for two, a special vacation or an exchange of cards or flowers or gifts or a good morning Happy Anniversary hug and kiss.  So how do you celebrate the sweet memories and 25 years and 104 days of marriage?  Till “death do us part” became my reality and the end of his life means the end of our marriage.  And the end of a marriage means the end of anniversary celebrations of that marriage.

I’m not ready to stop celebrating.  So this year I chose to host a celebration of Rick’s life and invited our wedding party, and our closest family and friends that were part of our special day in 1992 to join me and my children in toasting Rick.

It was a magical night.  Friends and family traveled from California, Florida, Minnesota, New Jersey, and Ohio.  My bestie Kelly arranged the most beautiful floral arrangements, complete with my favorite calla lilies.  My bestie Mitch brought a special bottle of wine from our Party of 6 weekend in Napa.  Girlfriends from Oswego tended bar and mixed up a great signature cocktail – a Ricki Tiki Tym – vodka and Arnold Palmer mix for my guy that loved to golf.  We played music from our 1992 wedding and many of Rick’s favorites from the BoDeans.

I felt beautiful, dressed in a blue gown with my hair and make up perfect.  Walking in to the party felt a lot like walking down the aisle 26 years ago to meet my groom.  The nervous excitement was even similar.  And it wasn’t sad walking in to meet my friends instead of my lover.  I felt loved.  Loved by my children, family and closest friends.  Their support means I’m not a party of one.  I’m a party of many.

As I raised my glass to toast my husband the tears did flow.  I wasn’t able to be as eloquent and poised as I wanted to be but I was able to verbalize my love and appreciation for the man who loved me fiercely and left me with so many sweet memories and a reminder to make tym for what is important in life.  Most importantly, he left me with his greatest legacy — our two beautiful children.  Just like their father, they are kind, funny, loving and the most important part of my life.

Speaking of which, after the party the three of us hung out in my apartment.  They played pranks on me and we laughed and celebrated our time as a party of 3.

Cloudy and gloomy with a chance of sunshine

Posted on by Julie in depression, Grief, sleep

In the many leadership courses I have taken, there is often a discussion of the relationship to nature vs nurture in determining someone’s leadership abilities.  Like leadership, I think depression can be attributed to nature as well as the influence of the environment.

Several years before Rick’s accident, my OB/GYN nurse midwife subscribed an anti-depressant for me.  I took it for two weeks a month.  The thought was to help me manage symptoms that appeared to be pre-menstrual.  Eventually after consulting with my doctor, he suggested I take an anti-depressant daily.  He explained that a daily dose would be more effective in managing the mild depression I was experiencing.

This worked well.  Then life got busy.  I didn’t schedule my annual physical and my prescription could not be renewed.  I figured it was a good opportunity to wean myself off the meds.  After all, I was going through menopause and figured I no longer needed help managing my depression.   I was wrong.

I experienced some mild physical symptoms and emotionally I was a wreck.  Erik was home recuperating from back surgery.  We had a big fight – about what I do not recall.  I started having suicidal thoughts and said hurtful things that scared my family.  Instead of dealing with my own issues, I kicked Erik out of the house.  I didn’t even consult with Rick.  I just did it and was not open to reasoning with anyone.  Rick tried to convince me that I should work it out with Erik or at least let him be home while I was away.  I didn’t budge.

Eventually I went back on my meds and things got better.  Not just better, practically perfect.  Erik returned to football, Annika graduated from college with honors and was making plans to start her life with Nic. Rick and I celebrated our 25th Anniversary. Rick had new work opportunities opening up and I got an amazing job assignment in San Francisco that gave me a new challenge and a better outlook on my career.  We had the best weekend ever with our besties.

After Rick died, my physician recommended grief counseling and an increase in dosage.  I did both.  I did a few sessions of individual therapy but decided group therapy might be better.

I found a grief group here in the city.  After the first night I was skeptical.  I had expectations of meeting other widows and widowers that could relate to what I was feeling.  Instead, the group is made up of women young enough to be my daughters.  They have all lost a mother or sister and I was the only widow.  All of them lost their loved one to cancer or another illness and I was the only one who experienced a sudden loss from a senseless accident.

Last night was our second week together and I was pleasantly surprised.  Our losses and ages may differ greatly but our experiences are so similar.  We shared our sleep issues, our lack of energy, how unreal death seems, and our desires for signals or conversations with our loved one.  I was touched by the tears of another member who could not get over how much she could relate to what others were sharing.  She didn’t feel so alone.

Prior to medication, I would have days where I just wanted to escape from the world.  The kind where all I did was shut myself inside, sleeping in a dark room, rising only to eat junk food and then returning to bed.  With medication and grief support, these bouts of depression are fewer and far between.  Before today, I cannot recall when the last one was or even if it was before Rick’s death or after.

I suppose I saw it coming.  Mornings are hard enough without Daylight Savings Time.  I’ve been working on my morning game, establishing a routine and using mindfulness techniques the night before to help me mentally prepare for the alarm and not hit snooze.  Yesterday I was up for 45 minutes and went back to bed even after coffee.  But I did get up and go to work.  Today, not even knowing it was cloudy and dreary outside, I relapsed.  The stress and loneliness and feelings of emptiness with Rick’s absence got the best of me.  I had my coffee, called the office, closed my blinds and slept.  I slept a long time.  Then I ate girl scout cookies and started writing.

I am thankful for the meds that keep me from spiralling further out of control.  I am thankful for a friend that is bringing me dinner.  I am thankful that she won’t judge me for being in my pajamas or for having a dirty house and unmade bed.

I am thankful for the gift of writing.  It brings me peace and comfort and it brings me hope for sunnier days.  Ironically, it took losing Rick to really discover my passion for writing.  So above all else, I thank you Rick.