Category: Acceptance

One YEAR

Posted on by Julie in Acceptance, Grief, memories

A YEAR ago my life changed forever.  Without warning you collapsed; your heart stopped.  You were revived three times and as you lay in the hospital unconscious and broken, I pleaded with you to open your eyes.  But you didn’t respond; you were already gone.  A few days later I whispered “I love you” in your ear and as you took your last breath, I let go of your hand.

I let go of your hand.

I let go of your clothes;

I let go of our furniture;

I let go of our home;

I let go of our dreams for the future.

I started a new journey in the city.  I discovered a passion for writing.  I designed my dream home.  I formed new plans for my retirement.  I started to find my way out of the fog of grief.  I tried to rush it, and learned to take my TYM and slow down.  Letting go takes TYM.

As I continue my journey in YEAR two without you I will continue to let go.

I will let go of your ashes;

I will let go of all the dating apps;

I will let go of wearing my wedding ring;

I will let go of some weight;

I will let go of my grief;

I will let go of my fears;

I will let go of the hurtful relationships in my life.

In the coming YEAR as I let go of all these things I will build myself up again. I will lean on God.  As I heal I will gain strength and confidence and I will find a new happiness. Just like YEAR one, there will be bumps in the road but my family and friends will be there to keep me from crashing.

In the coming YEAR I have goals to achieve and living to do. I’ll be building muscle at the gym and working on my swing on the golf course. I’ll be honing my cooking skills and entertaining friends in my new home. I’ll be watching football and going to concerts. I’ll be traveling to Florida and to Hawaii and maybe Sweden.  I’ll be starting my first novel.  I’ll be continuing my countdown to retirement.

Most importantly I will be learning how to be happy on my own.   I will be learning to trust that God has a plan for me.  Despite my faith, my need to be in charge makes this difficult.  It’s hard to imagine a plan — a happy one – that won’t include you.  I need to let go of my doubts.

As I fully let go and find my way without you, I will hold on to your memory and love.  For that is buried deep in my heart and will always be with me.

Who Am I?

Posted on by Julie in Acceptance, IDentity

It’s amazing how God is working miracles in my life.  This past week was so gloomy for me – just like the weather.  After much meditation and prayer, I finally deleted all the dating apps from my phone.  Then knowing I could still log on via the computer, I deleted the accounts.  Then panic set in and I signed up for two more (without paying the member fee).  When I saw that I could not read messages, I deleted those as well.  Despite the horrendous experiences I was having I can’t believe how hard this was.

It took several rejections, and me not handling it very well to realize that I really wasn’t ready to date.  I’m still grieving the loss of the life I had with Rick and I am adjusting to living as a household of one.  I was searching for the right guy to make me happy again instead of doing the things within my control that will bring me joy.

When my friend Jerry told me about a single 55 year old doctor he want’s me to meet, I told him not just yet, I’m busy working on me.  Oh my goodness, I still can’t believe I said that. Who is this woman?  I don’t recognize her! I can only explain it as a God thing.

On Saturday morning I woke up still feeling gloomy.  After reaching out to my girlfriends and a trip to the salon for a cut and color I felt so much better.  I settled in for the night and watched the second season of Queer Eye.  Just like season one, this one did not disappoint.  The stories of love and acceptance lifted my sprits even more.  I slept well and had no trouble waking up this morning.

I visited a new church in my neighborhood and was welcomed warmly by so many members.  The  message was about identity and God’s love for us and building our foundation in a way that will make us strong when we are faced with life’s trials.  I have paraphrased this in a way that does no justice to the amazing message Andy gave.  But my point is this:  The message really resonated with me – so much that I was moved to tears.  It validated for me that I need to accept and love the identity that God gave me and to trust in his plan for me in this next phase of my life.

After church I attended the Chicago Gay Pride Parade.  Talk about acceptance and being comfortable with your identity.  It was so beautiful to see thousands of people in all shapes, colors and sizes wearing all kinds of crazy outfits (one wore tape only!) celebrating their identity in an accepting environment.  Whether they were dancing in the parade or waving from the crowds, everyone was smiling and having fun.

As I watched the parade from a private party, I met some new friends.  I really connected with one in particular, a fellow Fed who is also new to Chicago and healing from a broken relationship.  As he hugged me he said, I am so glad I met you Julie.  We are both going through similar situations and our friendship is going to be healing for both of us – and you don’t have to worry about me hitting on you cause I’m gay AF!

So I think I can do this.  I have a new identity.  I’m no longer Rick’s wife.  I’m Julie, a single widow getting used to her new identity; a single woman, learning to accept this new version of herself.

Gay Lives Matter

Posted on by Julie in Acceptance, Love

I consider myself to be open minded. I love my gay friends and family and I respect and admire the courage it must take to live openly as gay when society condemns a gay lifestyle and some consider it sinful. As a Christian, the God I know loves all of us regardless of who we love.

I have often thought it would be sad if either of my children turned out to be gay. It could never change my love for them; however, I would selfishly mourn not having biological grandchildren and I would worry about the obstacles they would face in gaining acceptance from others. So when a friend of mine with 3 boys said she had always hoped one of her boys would be gay, I wasn’t just surprised – I was shocked. She explained that it would be so fun to have another son or son in law in her life that she could swap recipes with and get fashion and decorating ideas from. Of course this makes it sound like all gay men have a keen sense of design. (Maybe they do). I really admire my girlfriend’s open heart and really love that about her.

Yesterday morning after enjoying a visit from my college friend Gina and husband Wes, Erik helped me with a number of tasks at home. We (actually “he”) changed lightbulbs, hung pictures, moved furniture to the storage room and fixed a door knob. When we were ready to sit down and relax for a while we decided to watch the Nexflix version of Queer Eye. Now is where I switch to my Siskel and Ebert mode.

First of all, this show is about helping others with their fashion, grooming, food, culture and design.  They had me at Hello. (While I have heard of the original Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, I have never watched it.)

Let’s talk about Jonathon. His is my FAV of the FAB 5. Not only is he funny af; he is expressive, cute, joyful, and so full of life. Some would describe him as flamboyant. I wonder if I could figure out a way for him to style my hair? If he would simply touch my hair my life would be complete. I imagine growing my hair long like his and we go out dancing, flipping our hair back and laughing and impressing others with our sexy dance moves. He could totally be my BFF. In a word, I am OBSESSED. But I digress.

Beyond the fun clothing, hairstyles, recipes (including Sangria!), culture and home makeovers is the life changing experiences of the men that are impacted by the work of the FAB 5, five gay men who each have an area of expertise that they lend to a straight man. As I spent my afternoon glued to the TV I alternated between tears and laughter so many times I was an emotional hot mess. I poured some wine and proceeded to watch every episode.

As the FAB 5 interact with strangers who become friends, I am overcome with emotion watching the connections they are making and how it has broken down barriers between religious zealots and gay men, and cops and black men. I see the courage it took for a man to tell his mom he is gay and I can relate to the heartache of families that have lost a dad and husband, struggling with how much they miss their loved one. I have seen the renewed love between a husband and wife that are so overwhelmed raising their children that they do not take time for themselves or each other. In a word, I see LOVE.

As I watch incredible stories of love and acceptance,  I can’t help but think about the brokenness and political divide in our country.  I feel like the FAB 5 are highlighting our differences in a way that is healing and loving, and liberating, one contestant and one viewer at a time.

So while I am open minded, this show has opened my heart in a way that feels so right.  While I know that neither of my kids are gay, I can always hope for a gay grandchild.