Category: alone

7-11-17 to 11-7-18

Posted on by Julie in alone, new beginnings

My dearest Rick,

Tomorrow is 11-SEVEN-18 and it will be 483 days since SEVEN-11-17, the day you took your last breath. The hard days are fewer and far between but yesterday was a really hard day.

I just spent a weekend with my college friend Ann and I also got to see my college friends Alice, Diane, and Shelby.  You know how much I love my girl time and our time shopping, dining and drinking wine was really great.  We went to Erik’s game and then I spent Sunday with Annika doing more shopping, dining and drinking wine.  Before I fell asleep Sunday night I stared at your picture on her nightstand.  I’ve removed your pictures from my bedroom so I suppose its been a while since I looked at your smiling face.  I woke in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I don’t remember what it was about but I cried out loud enough to wake the grand pups.

It was a long drive home and I had a good cry between Iowa City and the Quad Cities. I’m so lonely without you Rick. I miss you so much and it is so unfair that we will not grow old together.  A 5 1/2 hour drive by myself meant lots of time to think.  I spent a lot of that time talking to God.  I do that a lot lately and this might surprise you but I am learning to be a better listener during these conversations. I find it strange, but your death has strengthened my faith in HIM.

God is answering my prayers, yet my day was filled with doubt and despair. The kind of despair that should have brought me to my knees in prayer – but I was driving.  Still, I prayed for God to fill the terrible void I feel.  I prayed for him to bring someone into my life that I can share all of life’s moments with.  After returning home, I went to the doctor for my annual check-up and I really needed to talk to you about it.  In my customary fashion I sat down with the computer and started writing, with tears flowing. And then he called to see how my doctor appointment was.

Before I tell you who HE is, here is some background.

On September 11, I took some time to write down what I am seeking in a relationship in this next phase of my life. SEVEN days later, (the day after your birthday) I met him on the SEVENTH dating app I tried. He checks all the boxes. He is a Christian. He is a loving father. And he loves football. Since that day we have talked ALOT. He has the gift of gab just like you. We also text a lot. I know that wasn’t your thing but I don’t think you ever discovered the talk to text feature!

He is such a sweet man Rick. He has a strong faith in God and he is devoted to his children and grandchildren. The big drawback is the distance between us. While neither of us were looking for a match outside our local area, we matched and we have really connected over the past SEVEN weeks.  He lives in Michigan. It’s not a huge distance but the added time zone change and our busy lives have made it difficult for us to connect in person…until now.

Tomorrow, on 11-SEVEN-18 we are going out on our first date. And I wanted you to be the first to know!

I will always love you Rick.

Julie

 

All by my selfie

Posted on by Julie in alone, Uncategorized

I am a classic introvert.  I get my energy from being alone – it gives me time to recharge my battery.  Those that work with me know that I can spend my entire day in my office.  I would rather write an email instead of making a phone call.   Others are surprised by this because I also enjoy a large social network and when I am caught up on work and household responsibilities I love a great party or outing with others.

For an introvert, living alone has it’s perks.  I eat whatever and whenever I want.  I have total control of the remote and there is no compromising on how to decorate.  I can hog the covers and I can sleep peacefully without hearing my partner’s snoring.

I’ve had the perfect weekend by my selfie.  I treated my self to an hour massage on Thursday night; On Friday I had a great  lunch date with a dear friend; I had an amazing meal and margarita at my favorite Mexican restaurant after work; and I caught up with a high school friend of Rick’s who called to check in on me.  He convinced me to give a dating service a chance and I spent the rest of my evening filling out my profile.  On Saturday I shopped for some new glasses and splurged by purchasing two pair – I couldn’t decide.  I spent the afternoon at the nail salon getting pampered and picked up my favorite Chicago pizza which I enjoyed at home with some Yuengling – Rick’s and my favorite beer.  I watched The Greatest Showman twice.  It was that good.

As I was watching the movie the first time, I was so moved by the music I started crying.  I haven’t cried in a while and the floodgates opened wide.  So wide I was soon drowning in my sorrow.  Nine months into my grief I have been keeping busy and working hard to find a new normal in my life.  I’ve been so focused on moving forward that I suppose I have pushed my grief aside.  I’ve been avoiding certain people and certain triggers.  I’ve been stressed by my renovation and yet another failed contract on the sale of my Oswego home.  I’ve been treading water in a stormy sea.  It felt good to cry and it prompted me to pull out the hundreds of condolence cards I received.  I had been meaning to do this and re-reading the notes brought me comfort as I rewatched the movie a second time with less tears.

Being a night owl, I wasn’t ready to turn in just yet.  I looked at a message I received on eHarmony from a nice looking man my age and I sent a note back.  I played some scrabble, closed my blinds, turned off all my alarms and drifted off to 11 hours of sweet slumber.

So on this dreary Sunday I am listening to the Greatest Showman soundtrack as I blog in my PJ’s and eating popcorn for lunch.  I’m continuing my conversation with my match  and I’m catching up with my kids on a three way call.  This is not the life I imagined for myself.   I am all by my selfie but I am happy.