Category: Confidence

A Gift to Myself

Posted on by Julie in Confidence, gift

Tonight was my last night in an 8 week Grief Therapy group.  One of the things we were asked to bring for sharing was a gift we wanted to give to ourself, perhaps in the form of a letter.  I immediately knew I wanted to write something that would be affirming.  Something that would help me forgive myself.

The timing of this request was particularly difficult coming out of a week that was one of the happiest yet one of the most traumatic I’ve experienced.  It came at a time when I do not feel good about myself.   I feel stupid and embarrassed.  Naïve and afraid.  Sad and lonely.  To write this letter, I needed to dig deep and remind myself of how special I am.  I needed to give myself grace.  This is what I shared at therapy:

Dear Julie, 

Recently you decided to start dating.  You were nervous and despite hurting your family in the process you dove in.  You picked a reputable dating service (eHarmony) and you indicated a preference for International so you would be forced to take things slow and get to know someone at a distance.  You are a really smart woman.  It’s one of the things Rick loved about you.  You are also strong and demonstrated the kind of sweet vulnerability needed in order to find love again.

When an extremely good looking man named Robert from the UK contacted you, you felt like a school girl experiencing her first love.  As you got to know Robert through long conversations, you basked in the compliments and dreamed about the promises of exciting adventures.  You could not eat or sleep.  Thoughts of Robert consumed you.  Your friends immediately noticed a glow about you.  You felt more alive and more beautiful than you had since your wedding day.  When Robert told you he was coming to Chicago for a temporary work assignment you could not believe your good fortune.

Your girlfriends encouraged you and shared in your happiness yet offered to do some background checks to keep you safe.  Your friends are smart too.

Your dear friend Amy, also a widow, made the difficult call to let you know that Robert was a fraud.  Robert was using pictures of Marco Robinson, a model, actor, and author from the UK.  As you checked Marco’s Instagram, all the pictures of Robert popped up including the ones of him at his restaurant and the selfies that you thought had been snapped just for you.

As you came crashing down from your high you regretted telling so many that you had met someone special.  You were so ashamed and wanted to hide away at home and hibernate.  

This letter is about what makes you special Julie.  It’s really important that you know this truth even if the last time you heard it was from a con man.

You are strong and resilient.  You have faced plenty of adversity in your life.  Each time you have bounced back stronger than ever.  You have modeled this for your children and they too are resilient.

You are smart.  I said it earlier but I will say it again.  Because you are smart you have established an amazing career for yourself.  Because you are smart you did not divulge to much personal information to Robert and you would not have sent money to Robert if he had asked.

You are trusting.  You always believe the very best about others.  Because you have learned a valuable lesson in not extending trust too quickly, you will be more reserved in the future knowing that there are people in this world that cannot and should not be trusted.  

You are a visionary.  You have a passion for so many things and you are able to immediately build excitement around reaching goals even if you run into roadblocks along the way.  You know what you want and you go after it.

You are beautiful and you do not need a man to shower you with compliments or gifts to be reminded of this.  Likewise, you are loved.  You are loved by your family and so many friends.  You were loved by a kind and generous man for 27 years and another kind and generous man will find you someday and love you just the same.  Meanwhile, remind yourself of this daily by reading this letter.  It’s my gift to you.

Julie

(The picture is of Marco Robinson from his Instagram page marcorobinsonnow.  I did not request permission to use it but I did contact him to advise that his photos were being used by someone posing as Robert Jonas)

You got this!

Posted on by Julie in Confidence

 

Tonight I’m doing laundry.  Its my least favorite chore and one I have had to do EVERY SINGLE WEEK since Rick passed away.  Yeah, it really sucks.  At his visitation friends and family frequently offered their help with anything I might need.  In the last and 7th hour of the wake I was feeling snarky and when one of Erik’s friends said, “if there is anything you need…” I quickly asked, “Would you do my laundry?”  The poor kid was so shocked I thought he was going to faint.

As I emptied my laundry basket tonight, laying in the bottom was a dinner receipt from a 2016 trip Rick and I took to Cabo Mexico.  Hmmm…I have no idea how it landed there but I would like to think it’s a sign from heaven. Is this Rick’s way of telling me “you got this babe!”?

I consider myself a pretty confident person but we all have our insecurities.  Two days before Rick’s accident, I finished an amazing book called “She Liked Her Life”.  The story was told from the perspective of the mom who had died, the daughter and the widower.  I was fascinated with the story and after Rick passed I contacted the author asking her if she would tell Ricks story.  She politely declined and gave me some suggestions on how I might proceed.

Fast forward to a month ago when I had the idea to write a book about the history of 3750 Lake Shore Drive.  As I excitedly shared the idea with a colleague who has published two fictional novels I suggested that we collaborate on the project – I would do the research and write the facts and he could do a companion piece:  A fictional story to go with the setting.  He politely declined.

That night it dawned on me.  I wanted to write but I didn’t have the confidence in myself to do it on my own.  Even after starting this blog and getting such positive feedback, I still didn’t think I was cut out to be a “real” author.  I admit I’m still a bit unsure but I plan to take some classes that will surely help me sharpen my skills.

Rick was pretty confident also.  He was so darn smart.  I remember one of our mutual friends saying how   frustrating it was that he knew something about everything.  I have to admit, he really did know something about everything-  and it got annoying as he always seemed to be the one who was “right”.

The first time I truly saw insecurity in Rick was just a month before his accident.  After being unemployed for a couple of years and with sporadic job opportunities after that, he had talked about going back to school.    There was always an excuse – we were waiting to see if we would move to Denver; we couldn’t afford it; a new concrete job was opening up that would keep him busy.  I didn’t want to nag but I finally asked him one day why he wasn’t pursuing some of the options we had discussed.  I asked him point blank if he was afraid.  I think he was taken aback and he went to the garage to have a smoke.  When he came back inside he said, “Julie, you hit the nail on the head.  I don’t have the confidence in myself to start something new.”

Rick was such an expert in the concrete industry it was hard for him to imagine himself doing anything different.

I can certainly relate.