Four months into my grief journey, I have done lots of reading. Option B by Sheryl Sandberg has taught me about resilience and two different daily devotion books have brought me comfort as I meditate and reflect on this unique and new journey I am taking. Still, I find myself searching these resources for rules on how I should be grieving. I haven’t found it yet.
Am I making major decisions to fast? Should I be crying more? How do I provide the support my kids need in the midst of my own grief? What is the best way to help myself heal after a devastating loss? How do I ask for help when I don’t know what I need? When is it okay to think about dating again? Will I ever be totally healed? These are some of the things I want to know!
I imagine these are some of the questions other widows think about on those sleepless nights laying in bed alone, where the gravity of our loved ones absence is so obvious.
Many of my readings have suggested not making major decisions in the first year. Well, I blew that one. One of the first things I did was purchase a condo in the city and I am preparing to sell our home of 13 years. I know in my heart this is a good decision – I will no longer spend almost 4 hours a day commuting to and from work and I won’t have a home that is to big and to much work for me to maintain on my own. Still, this grief journey makes me doubt almost everything I do. While I eagerly anticipate decorating my new place and making it my dream home, I also dread the day I leave my suburban home for good. This wasn’t how I imagined life in my 50’s.
I suppose I would still doubt my decisions even if there was a rule book. I guess what I’m really looking for is an easier way to navigate this thing called grief. I’m pretty sure I won’t find that either.