The past few days have been filled with euphoria and excitement for my future with Nic, but it has also magnified the absence of you.
I wish so much that you could’ve been there. You were the one missing piece of an otherwise perfect proposal. Nic picked out the most beautiful setting and band to compliment the diamond you gave to mom.
In true Rick fashion, I could tell it was coming, I found some clues leading me to believe a ring might be under the tree. I didn’t want to ruin the surprise so I kept it (mostly) to myself. Nic did however, figure out I knew something. But he still caught me off guard by proposing at the beginning of the gift exchange at Kelli & Jim’s Christmas Eve party. Mom and Erik were right next to me and they were just as surprised as I was. (He told them he was proposing Christmas Day). Hannah even Facetimed Grandma and Aunt Dianna so they could be included, too.
Although I can’t imagine anything better than spending the rest of my life with Nic, I’ve somewhat dreaded a proposal because it would mean I had to plan the be there. The thought of you not walking me down the aisle or dancing to Butterfly Kisses with me just breaks my heart all over again.
In therapy, I’ve talked through what my wedding might look like without you physically there. I have a few perfect ways to incorporate you and your spirit in our dig day but it’s still going to be painful.
Rebecca Pearson put it best when she said “The happiest moments will also be a little sad”.
The past 15 months have been the most challenging of my life. But I’ve turned a corner. The fog is lifting .. love broke through… and and I’m seeing God’s blessings in my life every day, not just every once in a while.
I have so many people to thank.
Thank you Susie. Your powerful words at Rick’s funeral continue to comfort me. Your prayers and encouragement have helped me heal. You intuitively know when to reach out to me.
Thank you Annika for teaching me how to be a good mom and for being gracious when I fail.
Thank you Erik for calling me daily and always making sure I am ok.
Thank you Besties for always being by my side – in good times and bad. You are my second family.
Thank you Mom and Dad. Even when you don’t know what to say to ease my pain, you bring me comfort and support.
Thank you Tim and Michael for being a father figure in Erik’s life.
Thank you Kelli and Jim for loving my daughter like your own.
Thank you Nic for loving my daughter in good times and in bad. I love you both and I love my grandpups.
Thank you Amy and Tammy and Julie and Susie and Laura and Christine. As fellow members of the (young) widow club you truly understand me.
Thank you Rita for your weekly check in texts.
Thank you Mary Beth for girls nights and your perspective on single life.
Thank you Krisell and Kelly for working on my stress points and making me so relaxed during my bi-monthly massages.
Thank you Jerry for working your magic with my hair and for introducing me to new friends.
Thank you Caitlyn for the manicures and pedicures and great girl talk. And thank you Kathy, my former manicurist for your love and friendship.
Thank you Martha, Suzi, Lily, Kristin, Inez, Christy, Holley, Ann, Liz, Amy, Dee, Vikki and Krista for continuing to include me in Gates Creek events.
Thank you Cassie and Vicky for your friendship. You are awesome travel companions and I always enjoy our time hanging out, whether we are coloring, watching Desparate Housewives, exploring San Francisco or drinking Sangria.
Thank you to my SQUAD: Ann, Carolyn, Sarah, and Sue. You are more than sisters to me. You have had my back every day. And you have not judged me when I have made some poor choices during this crazy journey.
Thank you Gina for sending me cards to let me know I am always in your thoughts.
Thank you to my Facebook friends for encouraging me in my writing and letting me know that I am loved.
Thank you to Sandy and Linda for sharing Rick’s messages to me through you.
Thank you Rebecca for helping me find my dream home. More importantly, thank you for sending my some great books. “The Secret” has helped me immensely.
Thank you Dani and Lynne, not just for your decorating vision, but for your friendship.
Thank you Francine for comforting me even when you are hurting yourself. You are such an inspiration to me. Your are strong and beautiful and wise and a survivor. Your encouraging note is on my wall and I read it every day.
Thank you Renee and Denise. God made us cousins but you are more like sisters to me. Thanks for being here for me on my wedding anniversary.
Thank you to Pam, my BFF from high school. I so enjoyed our time together in March and I love getting your bad jokes every Wednesday.
Thank you to my management team at work – Christine, Vista, and Bruce. I am so lucky to work with you. You all support me every day without question and without complaints. I could not ask for better friends to work with.
Thank you to my BFF at work Alan. I will need to write a separate post to adequately describe how much joy you bring to my life.
Thank you to my boss Tim. Your compassion and understanding has helped me immensely.
Thank you Hank and Michael and all my NCHS classmates for making me feel so loved and welcome at our 35th High School reunion. And Thank You Amy for the wonderful memorial display at the reunion.
Thank you Rebecca, Kelly, Annie, and Leslie for the great dating advice.
Thank you “CH” for rejecting me. It was the wake up call I needed to slow down and to finish my grief journey.
Thank you Jennifer for coaching me through my grieving process.
Thank you to my “writing to heal” coach Dolly. I am attracting exactly what I am projecting. The law of affirmation is powerful indeed.
Thank you Rick for loving me for 27 glorious years and for the amazing memories I will cherish forever. I feel your presence guiding me in this next phase of my life.
Thank you Jeff. Your faith and integrity inspire me to be a better person. I’m thankful that you found me.
Thank you God for your gifts. May I use them everyday to honor you and to glorify your name.
I consider myself to be open minded. I love my gay friends and family and I respect and admire the courage it must take to live openly as gay when society condemns a gay lifestyle and some consider it sinful. As a Christian, the God I know loves all of us regardless of who we love.
I have often thought it would be sad if either of my children turned out to be gay. It could never change my love for them; however, I would selfishly mourn not having biological grandchildren and I would worry about the obstacles they would face in gaining acceptance from others. So when a friend of mine with 3 boys said she had always hoped one of her boys would be gay, I wasn’t just surprised – I was shocked. She explained that it would be so fun to have another son or son in law in her life that she could swap recipes with and get fashion and decorating ideas from. Of course this makes it sound like all gay men have a keen sense of design. (Maybe they do). I really admire my girlfriend’s open heart and really love that about her.
Yesterday morning after enjoying a visit from my college friend Gina and husband Wes, Erik helped me with a number of tasks at home. We (actually “he”) changed lightbulbs, hung pictures, moved furniture to the storage room and fixed a door knob. When we were ready to sit down and relax for a while we decided to watch the Nexflix version of Queer Eye. Now is where I switch to my Siskel and Ebert mode.
First of all, this show is about helping others with their fashion, grooming, food, culture and design. They had me at Hello. (While I have heard of the original Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, I have never watched it.)
Let’s talk about Jonathon. His is my FAV of the FAB 5. Not only is he funny af; he is expressive, cute, joyful, and so full of life. Some would describe him as flamboyant. I wonder if I could figure out a way for him to style my hair? If he would simply touch my hair my life would be complete. I imagine growing my hair long like his and we go out dancing, flipping our hair back and laughing and impressing others with our sexy dance moves. He could totally be my BFF. In a word, I am OBSESSED. But I digress.
Beyond the fun clothing, hairstyles, recipes (including Sangria!), culture and home makeovers is the life changing experiences of the men that are impacted by the work of the FAB 5, five gay men who each have an area of expertise that they lend to a straight man. As I spent my afternoon glued to the TV I alternated between tears and laughter so many times I was an emotional hot mess. I poured some wine and proceeded to watch every episode.
As the FAB 5 interact with strangers who become friends, I am overcome with emotion watching the connections they are making and how it has broken down barriers between religious zealots and gay men, and cops and black men. I see the courage it took for a man to tell his mom he is gay and I can relate to the heartache of families that have lost a dad and husband, struggling with how much they miss their loved one. I have seen the renewed love between a husband and wife that are so overwhelmed raising their children that they do not take time for themselves or each other. In a word, I see LOVE.
As I watch incredible stories of love and acceptance, I can’t help but think about the brokenness and political divide in our country. I feel like the FAB 5 are highlighting our differences in a way that is healing and loving, and liberating, one contestant and one viewer at a time.
So while I am open minded, this show has opened my heart in a way that feels so right. While I know that neither of my kids are gay, I can always hope for a gay grandchild.
When Rick and I were engaged we met with our pastor in preparation for our wedding day. I don’t think I took these counseling sessions very seriously. I was ready to get married and this just seemed to be one of the required steps that we were obligated to take in order to seal the deal. However there is one thing I clearly remember from those sessions. The pastor asked each of us what we loved about each other.
Why in the world would he ask us that? We were engaged – obviously we loved each other and why would we want to discuss it with a stranger. (The head pastor was not available to marry us so this was an associate pastor that Rick and I didn’t really connect with). Anyway, I honestly struggled with my answer. I loved Rick but looking back I think at the time I was more in love with the idea of getting married. I was so focused on my goal of finding a soul mate that I really had not considered what I truly loved about him.
Can you just know that you love someone and not be able to articulate it? Or did I just need to take the TYM to organize my thoughts. I’ve written in other posts about the difficulty we both had in verbally expressing our love for each other. I express my thoughts so much better in writing.
About a month before Rick’s accident, Terry, a good friend and neighbor passed away at age 51 leaving my friend Amy a widow and her four boys without their dad. Rick and I were at a wedding when we got the news and we just held each other grieving for a life that was taken to soon, I have often thought about funerals and how loved ones come together to share with the grieving family how their loved one touched their life. I’ve always been curious about what friends and family would say about me at my funeral. After Terry’s funeral, I made a promise to myself that I would work on sharing with those that I love what I love about them. I even wrote it in my planner.
I actually wrote down that I would write an obituary. My intent was to write a mock eulogy as a way to fully express to Rick what I loved about him. This is one thing on my long “To Do” list that I didn’t accomplish by the deadline. Of course I had NO idea my deadline would be just a few weeks away.
When I wrote Rick’s eulogy the words flowed easily and with my thoughts on paper, I was able to verbally share my love for him at the funeral with confidence and conviction.
So 27 years later, I can answer my pastor’s question. It took me long enough and I have shared with friends my fear that Rick didn’t know how much I loved him. They have all assured me that he knows. I am learning to trust that he indeed does know and this helps sustain me when I am overcome with grief.
For thirty years I have seen plenty of homeless people in Chicago on my walks to the office, to the bus or to the train. I’ve learned to walk by quickly, glancing away, avoiding eye contact. I have always been overwhelmed by the need and because I can’t possible help them all, my response has always been to help no one.
A good friend of mine has an incredible gift of connecting with people and ministering to others in need. She helped Rick see his importance to his family during his time of unemployment and she has helped me cope with the loss of my soulmate, first by speaking at his funeral and more recently by showing me how to offer hope to others.
This friend of mine, Susie runs a wonderful ministry called Wrapped in Love. I have always been fascinated by Susie’s incredible mission to provide comfort and hope to the homeless. When I shared with her how overwhelmed I was by the amount of homelessness I saw each day, I asked her how to decide who to help and how. Her answer was simple. She advised me to pray about it and to do what I could. Maybe one day it is sharing a 10 dollar McDonalds gift card and others days it will be something else I can do.
It has never been about how much to give. Rick was a very generous person and he has influenced me to be a gracious giver. I recently used some of the life insurance payout to make a large donation to Wrapped in Love. This should have made me feel better about walking past the faceless persons in need – but it didn’t.
I was scared. I wasn’t afraid of being hurt; I was afraid to really connect with a stranger. I’ve never been good at striking up a conversation with someone new – even at a cocktail party. I’m usually at a loss for words. Intimidated is probably the word that best describes my feelings when I am around someone I don’t know. And even though I don’t need to have a conversation with someone in need, I remain intimidated when it comes to stopping and seeing what they need. And its not just intimidation that makes me walk by; I admit that I sometimes make judgements about the person – Are they drunk? Are they crazy? Or the odor is so repulsive I walk faster.
My friend Susie is the epitome of friendly. She connects with strangers every day. She calls it drawing circles. She is constantly sharing her encounters – whether its a young frazzled mom in the grocery store that needs some encouragement or a scared teen needing the courage to escape from her pimp, or a group of teens bullying another teen, or a homeless father desperate to find a meal for his family, Susie is never afraid to connect and offer a prayer or words of encouragement or a backpack filled with toiletries, food and a blanket.
So as Susie suggested I prayed. And this Christmas I was compelled to join her on the streets of Chicago as she distributed backpacks to people living on the street. Being with Susie gave me the courage to interact with a number of persons in need. I knew it would take my mind off my own misery and help put things in perspective. What I didn’t know was how it would change my heart and how it would change the images of the faceless to real faces with names and stories.
Like Roland. When we approached him he shared in desperation how he had been raped at the shelter and had been sitting on the street all day and no one had stopped to help him. He was so grateful for what we gave him but asked for some cash for a room. Susie politely told him that we did not carry cash but we would pray with him. She offered Roland the chance to pray first and he very eloquently prayed about his sorrows and his needs. Susie prayed next and as she prayed a young man stood nearby politely waiting for us to finish our prayer before handing Roland a large bill. After we prayed we talked for a while and Roland pleaded with Susie’s 18 year old son to listen to his parents. He ran through a litany of mistakes he had made in life and how he could have avoided 20 years in jail if he had listened to his parents.
I could write for hours about our encounters. We gave out at least 100 backpacks. There was a man with a small shivering dog who asked for a second blanket and Susie miraculously found a blanket with a zipper pouch perfect for a small dog. There was a man who shared his dream to buy a Christmas present for his 17 year old son, tears streaming down his face. There was a young man who asked us to look for his wife and kitty a few blocks away. He told us to look for the most beautiful girl in the world. There was a man dressed as Santa asking for money to feed his 4 year old twin girls. We gave him 2 ten dollar McDonald gift cards.
There were other volunteers out and about distributing blessing bags, food, and shoes, particularly on lower Wacker Dr. where we encountered many large groups lined up along the concrete walls with their layers of blankets and makeshift chairs and other belongings.
The last story I want to share is the group we met under a viaduct standing in the sun. This group of men had their “homes” set up across the street but they were standing in the sunshine to get warm and perhaps to enjoy some rare Chicago sunshine. One of the men had the brightest bluest eyes and he reminded us of Frank Gallagher’s character in Shameless. He asked us a couple times how many candles were needed for Jesus’ birthday cake. He was really humored by his cleverness and his eyes glistened as he smiled with the kind of joy you would expect on Christmas Day.
At the end of the day we debriefed over tacos and we talked about the incredible obstacles the homeless face even at the shelters that should be a safe haven. Susie probably sensed how overwhelmed I felt after seeing the incredible need and she said – “What I do is put a bandaid on when stitches are needed”.
As Christmas 2017 has come to a close, I am blessed to be safe in my cozy bed in my condo by the lake, listening to music, sipping wine by candlelight and writing about my day while wrapped in a beautiful soft blanket I received for Christmas. I am wrapped in love.
I’m excited to share that I have met the perfect guy. Before you judge me for moving to fast, hear me out.
This guy is selfless. He puts others needs ahead of his own, always anticipating what that person might want or need. As such, he is an excellent host and he is the kind of neighbor that anyone would be thrilled to live near. He knows my love language (service) and he takes care of tasks that mean the world to me – like doing my laundry and buying groceries that fit my point goals on Weight Watchers.
My kids love him and he loves my kids.
We are both to old to have children but he will be a terrific grandfather someday. We are both near retirement age and have similar interests; We plan to travel to Hawaii, spend time on the golf course and he fully supports my desire to write full time.
Perfect may have been the wrong word to describe him. He does have a few faults – don’t we all? He is such a neat freak, I have learned to be more tidy to avoid arguments. He isn’t good at making decisions and although he loves me I know he won’t propose. He also worries endlessly. This makes me roll my eyes when he isn’t looking. And he doesn’t share my love of city life. This last “fault” will be the biggest source of compromise for us if we are to continue our relationship.
But there are bigger problems. Although he has friended me on Facebook, he doesn’t answer my texts or calls. He does visit me occasionally but when I wake up he is no longer there. I stare at his picture on my nightstand and smile thinking of the sweet memories we made and I cry thinking of the memories we should be continuing to make. I know he would not want me to be sad. He would be here to wrap his arms around me if he could. But God has called him home and while he would love my new home in the city, he is waiting for me to join him in his new home.
I’m excited to share that I have met the perfect guy. Before you judge me for moving to fast, hear me out.