Category: Maketym

My Dream

Posted on by Julie in Maketym, Retirement, Uncategorized

We didn’t have a specific plan for our future. But we had dreams.

When Erik showed an interest in being a chef, we thought it would be cool to run a restaurant. When we bought a timeshare in Maui, we thought it would be neat to spend winters in Hawaii. When I requested a transfer to Denver, we thought having a dream home in the foothills would be awesome. When his mom talked of downsizing, we thought about building a dream home perfect for two households.

But then you died and “we” became “me”.

I’ve always been a visionary and he was right by my side encouraging me and supporting me. He was so proud of my accomplishments. I remember when I was updating my resume one day and after reading it he looked at me in amazement and said “you have done some amazing shit.” I remember coming home from work one day, after learning I did not get the job I had been working toward my entire career. He calmed me down quickly and assured me things would get better.

Every day without his encouraging smile is hard; the last 22 have been unbearable. I’m on furlough from my job; my blood pressure is out of control; my therapist dropped me (insurance); there is a dispute with workman’s comp and Jeff and I broke up. Of course, if he were here I would feel better. I most likely would not be in therapy and I certainly would not be dealing with workman’s comp or the woes of dating.

But I still have dreams. As I near retirement I have been praying and journaling about a non-profit I wish to start. My vision is to have a commercial kitchen on wheels – a large scale food truck where I can prepare meals on a grand scale. My truck will show up at food pantries as families are picking up food for themselves and I will offer them a hot meal. My truck will find homeless men, women and families in need of soup and a sandwich. I will partner with rural churches and offer meals to families that are struggling to pay their utilities.

I will travel to all corners of the U.S. providing nourishment to those that need it. I anticipate being touched by the people I meet and enriched by the stories I hear. Surely I will write about my experiences.

My venture will be the perfect next step after a 33 year career in managing nutrition assistance programs at the USDA.

Maybe I will have a new partner in my life to share in this dream. (I hope so!) Or maybe this venture will lead me to him. Maybe I was only meant to have one love in my life. Regardless of how the story ends, my non-profit ministry, “Make TYM: Make Them Yummy Meals” will honor the man who always made time for others, especially me. And knowing he is proud will make this dream especially sweet.

Goodbye

Posted on by Julie in goodbye, Grief, Maketym

Over the past 6 weeks I have been working with a grief coach.  The “grief recovery” program I have been  using has involved a number of exercises leading to a completion letter.  The goal of the completion letter is to become complete with everything that has been unfinished until now.  The letter allows me to keep fond memories and all positive aspects of our relationship while saying goodbye to any pain, unmet hopes, dreams and expectations.

I am sharing my letter here because doing so is therapeutic for me.  However, I have omitted a few things that are to personal to share and I’ve omitted one section that would cause to much pain to others if shared.

My dearest Rick, 

Over the past year I’ve had lots of time to reflect on our relationship.  I have so many things that I  want to tell you.

Rick, I am so sorry that I didn’t make our marriage more of a priority.  I took your love for granted and I didn’t clearly communicate my desires and disappointments.  Nor did I take your needs seriously.  I should have told you how important a proposal was to me and I should have done more to fulfill your  needs in our relationship.  I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I didn’t work harder to understand your concerns with disciplining our children.  I thought you were to hard on them but honestly I was to lenient and I should have met you part way.

I really regret that I didn’t speak up when I witnessed  ……I suspect that you knew it wasn’t right.  After all you had your doubts about …..   I’m sorry I didn’t speak up and I forgive you for not addressing this conflict.  

I am also sorry that I did not push you to change careers.  I should have shown more encouragement and support for you to return to school.  I wish I had nagged you more about getting out of construction.  I knew it was what you loved to do and you were so good at it and took pride in your work.  I’m haunted by the fact that you would still be here if I had pushed for you to leave the construction industry.   

I never really shared with you that I would have enjoyed the opportunity to retire early and not be the primary financial supporter of our family.  I sometimes resented the fact that our best friends lived a more comfortable lifestyles due to the jobs the guys held.  I forgive you for not being the kind of financial provider that I wanted.

In addition to the burden of being our family’s primary wage earner, I resented having such a long commute to work.  I forgive you for not understanding how important it was to me to live closer to Chicago.

Now that I am on my own, I have my dream home in the city.  I know it is not the  location you wanted but I do think you would like it and I know you would be proud of all the decisions I am making.

I mourn the fact that we will not retire in Hawaii with you as we dreamed.  The kids and I will be going back in April and we will spread your ashes.  Maui was your favorite place and I think it will be the perfect resting place for you.  

I really miss you and I am struggling now that I am living alone.  I am lonely and feel so broken.  Everyone tells me that I am so courageous but I don’t feel it.  You know I have always had trouble getting up early.  Now it is worse than ever.  All I want to do is sleep and when I am awake all I want to do is eat and drink wine.  I can’t concentrate at work and I have taken my anger out on loved ones when I haven’t felt supported.

I have tried to date and it has been a frustrating process.  I have run into a number of fakes – the first one broke my heart and after that it was easier to spot them.  Nevertheless, every time I do it makes me angry and sad.  I had an amazing first and last date with a guy that I thought was perfect for me.  But he rejected me and my vulnerable self didn’t take it very well.  I went through a phase where I was settling – dating a 34 year old and others that were not on the same page as me.   I convinced myself that I could handle the non-committal guys that just wanted to have fun.  I couldn’t.  I took a break for about 6 weeks.  I tried some different sites this time only to find out they are all the same.  In addition to consuming my time, I am left disappointed and depressed once again.  

I found a new church in my new neighborhood.  Every week the message really speaks to me.  So, despite the hardships I am encountering, I look forward to church every week and leave feeling encouraged and at peace.  I am learning to trust that God has a plan for me.  He is greater than anything we can imagine.  I know that you know that.  I am thankful that you had faith in God and that you accepted Jesus as your savior.  It brings me peace to know that you are in Heaven and I hope it as you imagined it after reading the book of Revelations.  I can clearly remember you talking about that as your favorite book in the Bible.  

Your death means I have a second chance at love and a second chance to work on mistakes I made in our relationship.  I am praying for patience.  This time I will not rush things like I did with you.   When my next love finds me,  I will be clear in expressing my needs and I will be sensitive to my partner’s needs.  I want to thank you for the lessons I learned from our relationship.  

I want you to know that I loved you so much.  I am thankful for the beautiful children we created together.  They miss you and love you so much.  You were an amazing dad and they are amazing kids..  I want you to know how sad I am that you will not see Annika and Erik get married.  I am even sadder that you will not be here to meet your grandchildren.  I know you would have been an amazing grandpa.  On the special days moving forward, you will always be in our heart and we will double our celebration to make up for your absence.  I would like to think that you can see us and are able to rejoice in our happy moments from afar.  What I do know is that your are forever in my heart.  

I am thankful for 25 wonderful years of marriage and nearly 30 years of knowing you..  You were such an amazing friend, lover, and husband to me.  You always put your family first and I am a better person having been loved by you.  We are all carrying on your legacy to “MakeTym”.  You touched so many lives when you were here on Earth and you continue to do so.

Rick, I will always love you and miss you.  Good bye my love.

Julie

Mikkelson Party

Posted on by Julie in Anniversary, Maketym

Celebrating his birthday without him was hard.  Thanksgiving and Christmas, also hard.  New Years and St. Patty’s day – hard because those days carry special meaning to our relationship.  Second only to the most special day of all – March 28, our Wedding day.  How do you celebrate the anniversary of your wedding day when you are no longer a party of 2?

Obviously there will not be a romantic dinner for two, a special vacation or an exchange of cards or flowers or gifts or a good morning Happy Anniversary hug and kiss.  So how do you celebrate the sweet memories and 25 years and 104 days of marriage?  Till “death do us part” became my reality and the end of his life means the end of our marriage.  And the end of a marriage means the end of anniversary celebrations of that marriage.

I’m not ready to stop celebrating.  So this year I chose to host a celebration of Rick’s life and invited our wedding party, and our closest family and friends that were part of our special day in 1992 to join me and my children in toasting Rick.

It was a magical night.  Friends and family traveled from California, Florida, Minnesota, New Jersey, and Ohio.  My bestie Kelly arranged the most beautiful floral arrangements, complete with my favorite calla lilies.  My bestie Mitch brought a special bottle of wine from our Party of 6 weekend in Napa.  Girlfriends from Oswego tended bar and mixed up a great signature cocktail – a Ricki Tiki Tym – vodka and Arnold Palmer mix for my guy that loved to golf.  We played music from our 1992 wedding and many of Rick’s favorites from the BoDeans.

I felt beautiful, dressed in a blue gown with my hair and make up perfect.  Walking in to the party felt a lot like walking down the aisle 26 years ago to meet my groom.  The nervous excitement was even similar.  And it wasn’t sad walking in to meet my friends instead of my lover.  I felt loved.  Loved by my children, family and closest friends.  Their support means I’m not a party of one.  I’m a party of many.

As I raised my glass to toast my husband the tears did flow.  I wasn’t able to be as eloquent and poised as I wanted to be but I was able to verbalize my love and appreciation for the man who loved me fiercely and left me with so many sweet memories and a reminder to make tym for what is important in life.  Most importantly, he left me with his greatest legacy — our two beautiful children.  Just like their father, they are kind, funny, loving and the most important part of my life.

Speaking of which, after the party the three of us hung out in my apartment.  They played pranks on me and we laughed and celebrated our time as a party of 3.

Vacation

Posted on by Julie in Maketym, Uncategorized, vacation

Dearest Rick,

Back home it is snowing and everyone is growing weary of the cold.  I’m not sure if the groundhog saw his shadow last week but I am sure that spring will not be here fast enough.

Here in Florida I am enjoying time away catching up with my parents.  We had lunch and sangria with   Uncle Lee and Aunt Linda yesterday.  Today I visited with Aunt Bev and Uncle Bob and we had dinner with my cousin Stephanie who is town on business.   It is perfect pool weather and I have taken nice long walks and had time to start reading a book.  I only checked my work email once so far – I can’t help it you know.  It will make it easier to jump back in when I return to work on Monday.

Life has been moving so fast.  I’ve been looking forward to this break to read, rest and relax.  I was looking forward to a change of scenery to help take my mind off of life without you.  But there are reminders of you everywhere.  I see you in the pool lifting the kids on your shoulders and launching them and smiling as they land with a big splash and lots of laughter.  I see you knocking on the bathroom window while I shower, trying to prank me.  I see us playing pinochle with mom and dad as the kids watch TV on the air mattress in the front room.  I see you walking around Westwind in your shorts while all the snowbirds have jackets on because it dropped below 70 degrees.  You are proudly telling them you are from up north.  It isn’t obvious with your year round tan, a benefit of working outside each day.

When I went to sleep last night, I longed for you to surprise me in the middle of the night, like you did on Fathers day so many years ago when the kids and I were here for two weeks.  At the time I thought I was dreaming and when I realized you were really standing there, it was one of the sweetest surprises of my life.  It was the perfect example of how you made tym for me and the kids.

Life is so much harder without you.  Selling the house, buying property, inspections, home repairs, remodeling contracts, doing the taxes, and yes, even the laundry.

Vacationing without you shouldn’t be hard too.  But it is.  I’m grateful for the many wonderful vacations we took to Hawaii , Mexico and Florida.  I have lots of sweet memories from those wonderful trips.        There will be no new memories to make with you having fun in the sun so I will cling to the old memories as I work on my tan.

Love,

Julie

 

Just Looking

Posted on by Julie in Grief, Maketym, New Home

Last night I spent some time with my new neighbors Ann and Michael.  They are a lovely couple, also new to the building having relocated from California.  They have have a beautiful art collection, love the Cubs, lean left politically and have excellent taste in wine.  I see many great times ahead as this friendship continues to grow.

We shared an amazing bottle of Cabernet as we discussed a decorating plan for our shared foyer and we ordered nameplates for our doors.  Ann referred me to a fabulous hairdresser that knows just how to make women over 50 look fabulous and as I left she agreed to look out for packages by my back door while I’m away on business.

Back in my apartment, I settled in with one more glass of wine and feeling on a roll with making new connections, I started scoping out some dating web sites.  WHAT?  Oh Boy.  I blame it on my colleague who lost her husband a month after Rick passed.  She planted the idea earlier in the day when we were stair climbing on a work break.

I didn’t post any pictures or create a profile.  I was just looking.  Like I respond to the sales clerks offering their assistance in a fancy store where I cannot afford the merchandise… “No thank you…I’m just looking”

I checked out a few profiles and while a few were interesting, none resonated with me even a little.  I started to imagine meeting someone for coffee, going to a show, starting anew in establishing a relationship and it scared the hell out of me.  If I decide I’m not interested how do I bow out gracefully?  If I am interested and he is not, how do I deal with the rejection?   Is there someone out there that can come close to the man I loved for 27 years?

I panicked.  Undo!  Unsubscribe!   That didn’t work.  This isn’t an online retailer Julie!

Of course the internet has a way of sending you down a rabbit hole and I soon got emails with  “More Matches are ready for your review” and referrals to articles like “Top Ten Dating Mistakes to Avoid”.    I feel like I started down a path that I can’t undo.  There is no rewind button when it comes to death.

But I can press pause.  I need to Maketym for so many things as I settle in to my new home.  I’m in the midst of a remodel and redecorating project and I’m planning a black tie affair for my wedding anniversary.   Then I can pick up on the many quilting and scrapbook and stamping projects that I’ve put on hold.  I have web design and writing classes to take, concerts and sporting events to attend, reunions to plan.  And lots of new wine to try.  Meanwhile, I’m just looking.

2017

Posted on by Annika Mikkelson in Maketym

2017 began and ended in the same way for me, watching the Vikings beat the Bears. On New Year’s Day 2017, I finally attended my first Vikings game. It’s hard to imagine that was only one year ago; so much has changed since then. (I’m not just referring to how much has changed for the Vikings since then either)

With the support of my amazing parents, I moved into my first apartment to begin my final semester at Iowa State in a better living environment & with a healthier mindset. Throughout the course of my final semester, I overcame my fear of public speaking by presenting my capstone research on mental health on college campuses at the Undergraduate Research Symposium at ISU. I finished the semester with a 4.0 and graduated Magna Cum Laude in May.

After an unexpected accident at work, I had to say goodbye way too soon to my amazing dad. I will never understand why he was taken from us so abruptly and without warning but I am thankful for all the wonderful times spent with him and my family. I will forever cherish all our precious memories as I continue to mourn.

I’ve had a difficult time accepting he is gone and still catch myself going to dial his number to update him on how I’m doing; and the truth is I haven’t been doing well since he’s been gone. Lately he is the only person I want to talk to; he was always the best listener and he always knew just what to say in any situation. I miss his wit & sarcasm; I miss his laugh & even his smoker’s cough; I miss him so much. Everything that has happened since the accident has felt incomplete without him and life will never quite be the same.

                     

In August, Nic & I adopted a 3-month-old Chihuahua-Dachshund puppy. I had most the say in naming her, and chose Pumpkin (my childhood nickname from my Dad). Pumpkin is such a perfect puppy for us. She is hilarious, adorable, sassy & everything in between. Pumpkin has been such a blessing in our lives and I can’t help but think my guardian angel had his part in bringing her to us.

                        

As a graduation gift, I had the opportunity to travel to two new countries, Spain and Turkey, with my best friend. Despite being so soon after the accident, we had an amazing time sight-seeing, drinking sangria, eating tapas, relaxing by the pool and drinking more sangria. It was an unforgettable two weeks, but we were ready to get back home to Erik and watch him start in his first college season.

                

In addition to moving into my first apartment, I also moved into my first house this year. Nic & I purchased our first home in November and have enjoyed making it our own in the short time we’ve been there. We had a very successful housewarming/Christmas AF party just two weeks after closing and look forward to have more family and friends over in the New Year.

This year was full of some firsts and unfortunately some lasts, good times and bad times, too many tears to keep track of and some smiles too. 2017 is a year I will never forget, but I am ready to say goodbye to the hardest year of my life and start off the New Year with my three loves, Nic, Pumpkin & Sparkling Moscato Champagne.

Therapy

Posted on by Julie in Maketym, Therapy

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As I navigate the pain of losing Rick, I have engaged in a number of “therapeutic” activities to help me cope with my new reality. I will say upfront, I know there is nothing I can do to get “over” my loss or to be “cured” of this horrible feeling of grief and loneliness. Nothing will ever bring him back; but life goes on, and I am searching in earnest for ways to bring joy to my life without him.

The obvious therapy is of course seeing a therapist. At first I was reluctant. Even though I was already on meds for depression, I didn’t think I really needed a professional to help me. After I had trouble focusing at work, I saw my regular physician and he gave me a referral to a faith based counselor. I met with “Liz” about 4 times and she gave me a great book to read. Mostly she listened. At our last session, she told me she could see progress in my coping. This was mostly in my ability to extend grace to Rick’s friend and former boss. (see my earlier post re: “Why Make Tym”) I have invited him and others from my wedding party to my first party at my new home to honor Rick and to celebrate my 26th wedding anniversary. I am glad I took the TYM to see her.

Back to my point about joy. There are so many things in life that bring me joy and I have been indulging in my top two…wine and shopping.

Anyone that knows me know that I love my wine, especially after my trip to Napa and Sonoma last year. I’m a red girl..red sangria, pinot noir, cabernet, shiraz, zins, merlot, blends… Hell, I’ll even drink white if that is the only option! When I joined weight watchers back in March, I cut way back on my wine intake…because points! It helped in my ability to lose 40 pounds. But then tragedy struck and I have to admit, drinking a few glasses of wine at the end of the day really dulls the pain. I’m not concerned about becoming addicted, but my new neighbor that sees my recycle bag each week might be wondering about the numerous empty bottles in my trash. To my defense, I’ve had some girlfriends visit since moving in to my new place. They like wine too! I’ll get to my girlfriends at the end.

So lets talk shopping. I love to buy things. Nice clothes, nice furniture, books, stationary, kitchen gadgets, jewelry, wine, etc! Now this might be an actual addiction I have. Between the life insurance and the good salary I have worked towards for 30 years, I am fortunate to have the means to indulge in the finer things that bring me joy. Most recently, I purchased a fabulous condo in a building with great amenities, amazing views, no yard work and a short commute to work. I met with a design team yesterday to discuss major renovations that will but the cherry on the top. When all is said and done it will be my dream home without being a guest on HGTV. It may sound like I am boasting – really, I am not. Last night, despite thinking about how fabulous my new place is and will be, I cried myself to sleep. I miss Rick so much. It is nice to have a comfortable lifestyle and a beautiful place to live; however, it doesn’t mean as much when the love of my life is not here to enjoy it with me. I would not hesitate to give it up in order to have Rick back.

After moving (so MUCH WORK) I should know better than to spend so much time and money shopping after numerous trips to goodwill. But…on-line shopping!!! Oh my, it is so easy and convenient. At my new place, packages are delivered to my back door and when I put the empty boxes outside the same door, the box fairy comes and takes them away. Now I AM bragging. I really love the convenience of city life.

So let’s talk girlfriends. Next to finding a partner for life, there is nothing better and I am so very blessed to have girlfriends that truly sustain me and lift me up everyday. I’ll start with my daughter Annika. She is my best friend in the world and a part of Rick that I still have. (Erik: I love you equally but you are “all boy”). Annika, you get me and I know you and I share a similar pain in losing dad. I am so happy that you have found love in your life and my hope is that dad and I have modeled for you what true love means.

My besties. Susie and Kelly. (Love you too Mitch and Andrew) These two have been by my side through the best and worst of times. They were with my when Rick took his last breath and they were the first visitors at my new home. Actually, they helped me pick it out! There are just to many precious moments to mention. These two are such a blessing in my life I cannot adequately describe how much they mean to me.

My sorority sisters. Between girl weekends, private messages, cards and text messages, these ladies are constantly looking out for me and encouraging and consoling me. And now I live close to a couple of AOIIs that I have not seen in a while! ALAM.

My Gates Creek peeps. Amy and Tammy especially know what I am going through. They are going through the same pain. All the girls from the hood have been amazing and I hope they know that leaving my home in Oswego was especially hard because of all of them. I want to give a special shout out to Liz. From speaking at Rick’s funeral, to getting my mail, to helping me pack and to being there to direct the movers while I was at closing…you are the epitome of a good neighbor and good friend. I will miss being able to walk across the street to sit in your kitchen and chat. I love you so so much.

My friends at work. If I try to name you all I am afraid I will leave someone out. But Alan, although you are definitely a male, you get me like my girlfriends do and I value our friendship so much. You mean more to me than I will ever be able to articulate. And Lisa, we share a first day at work: 9-27-87 and we have so many great memories that we have shared. Thanks for the great talk at lunch today. Vista and Christine, I hope you know how much I love you and enjoy having you on my team at work.

There are so many other friends to mention. Thanksgiving was fun running and drinking champagne with my fellow football mom and realtor Rebecca and my college friend Mary and my Girl scout friend Gina. I can’t wait to see my friend Francine – also a connection through Girl Scouts.

Therapy — It’s good for the soul. But the best therapy in my opinion is my girlfriends. Thank you ladies, and Alan for being there for me.

My Eulogy

Posted on by Julie in Maketym

To share a bit about Rick, here is what I shared at his funeral on 7-17-17:

In the hospital last week, we spent a lot of time sharing Rick stories like the ones you are hearing today. He truly was the best person I know. I joked that I would not have proposed to just anybody. Rick knows that after we married, I struggled with the fact that I never got an official proposal from him. He assured me many times that he had no regrets and we even spoke of renewing our vows this year, the year of our 25th anniversary. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that I heard him loud and clear when he told me that it was love at first sight for him and that our 27 years together were the best of his life. Thank you Rick for sending me that message.

I’ve never been a good listener. So many times I was only half listening and Rick knew it and tolerated it. In my defense, Rick did take forever to tell a story! Well Rick, I’m listening now and I want you to know that I hear you loud and clear. 7-11-17 are your numbers and will forever be etched in our memory. We know that you intentionally chose 11:17 pm to take your last breath. I hear you laughing about it. You were always clever that way and its why we always called you a smart ass. And yes, you would always say, it’s better than being a dumb ass. If I was into playing the lottery, I know what numbers I would pick. But I have not interest in the lottery as I won the lottery the day we met.

Together with God’s blessing we created two beautiful children. They are our legacy and I promise you that the three of us will always be here for each other and continue to make you proud. We are comforted to know that you are reunited with your dear Grandpa Rictor and your dear stepdad Joe who left us in 2007. I imagine you are getting reacquainted with your father David and making up for 50 lost years. Surely you are sharing your electrocution stories and shaking your heads at the irony. Just don’t try to one up him- his story is more “shocking” than yours! Please tell David that the kids and I are going to take good care of Alice and Dianna for him. You have made that possible.

Rick didn’t like to text and it took him some time to get used to his iPhone. I once texted him for 6 months with no response and thought nothing of it. Eventually I discovered I was texting his old number. After I fixed that, his response rate didn’t improve much. But thats ok. He preferred to talk and he sure had the gift for gab. He loved to tell stories and he would talk to anybody, sometimes embarrassing his kids in the process. Im going to miss hearing your voice Rick. Ive been looking for an old voicemail but can only seem to find pocket calls from you at work. I know you are laughing about that.

Rick was not a huge social media fan like me but he did have a “handle” or tag line if you will. “Maketym” It started with his license plate and was a daily reminder to friends and strangers alike. One of his first boss’ had a license plate that said no time. Rick believed there is always time for what is important. So when he bought his first brand new vehicle, a 1997 Tahoe, he purchased plates that said MakeTym. This was Rick’s philosophy in life and he walked the talk. He always put his family first, financially and with his time, love and attention. When the kids were 5 and 3 he quit his job and took a year to be a stay at home dad. (This was the year 2000 when such a thing was very rare). This was one of the years I worked as a food stamp investigator and he and the kids traveled with me on my business trips. It was the BEST year of our family life. Annika and Erik and I are so fortunate to have this and so MANY other great memories to hold dear. Amazing times in Hawaii, football games, enjoying sushi together, or just being together and laughing…often at the expense of me. There has always been plenty of laughter and because of Rick we are able to keep laughing even in our grief.

Rick was a friend to everyone and he did not hold grudges – even when he had every right to. When he got angry, he said so and then put it out of his head and moved on. I was always amazed by how quickly he could move on. He was also a big worrier and worried about things that made the kids and I roll our eyes. But we know that his worry was steeped in love and concern for us. His love for us was so pure, so deep, so strong, so unconditional. I know that we will always carry that love in our hearts.

Thank you Rick for blessing me and everyone here. I am a better person because of you and I am so proud to have been your wife for 25 years. I will love you forever.