A couple of weeks ago I attended a special worship opportunity at Trinity. It was called Prescense and it was about seeking the Holy Spirit. I asked for prayers of affirmation. I talked about the void I felt since Rick’s death and the broken relationships that followed. One prayer that really resonated with me was a prayer for God to speak to me in my dreams. I went home and wrote in my journal:
“Dear Julie, Stop trying to fix others. You have enough to fix about yourself. And while you are at it, don’t hold grudges. Air your grievances and then let it go. It’s not about you anyway.”
That night I didn’t sleep, waiting for God to speak to me, not realizing he already had.
At the time I had a certain relationship on my mind. I realized that I wanted that person to change – I wanted her to go to therapy so she could love me that way I needed her to. I wanted her to fix the hurt in her life so she would stop hurting me. I set up boundaries to protect myself from the judgment and pain. I miss her.
God was preparing me for an even bigger hurt. A finale to 8 months of falling in love. Two days later I learned that my boyfriend was dating other women.
I was blindsided. My prayer was for affirmation and what I got was rejection. Is this what an unanswered prayer is?
Some amazing girlfriends lifted me up and advised me to take time to think about how to handle the betrayal. I thought about how he might react and wondered if he would be honest with me. I reflected on prior conversatoins, looking for clues, looking for answers.
I didn’t want to let him go and started thinking of ways I could fix the relationship. Honestly, I wanted to fix him…I certainly didn’t need to change!
I decided to cut things off abruptly. I didn’t trust myself to hear his explanation. I realized he might not have any remorse and I knew that would add more salt to my wounds.
So now I work on me. I continue to pray for affirmation. But I realize now that affirmation needs to come from within and not from a relationship. Thank you God for hearing my prayer.
When our children were young, Rick and I attended Lord of Life, a small church that met in a school gymnasium. As a couple we participated in a small group bible study with several other young families. Our Friday night meetings were filled with great conversation, plenty of adult beverages, and time for us and our kids to establish incredible trusting friendships with other believers. What I got out of these Friday night gatherings was more about community than my relationship with God, and I didn’t want it to end. In fact, I remember at one of our meetings, one of our church leaders encouraged us to break out into new groups and not one of us stepped up to accept her challenge. I remember feeing bad, but this small group felt like family. I could not imagine leaving the group or even letting others in.
Eventually our small group stopped meeting, and the church disbanded. Rick and I attended another church for a while, but when the pastor moved to a new location we lost interest. We stopped attending, and I justified it thinking I didn’t need a church to have a relationship with God. Yet, I put my spiritual life on hold. I went from barely talking to God to not at all. I pushed the relationship aside.
Years later, I felt like a hypocrite, desperately praying at Rick’s bedside, praying that he would wake up from a coma. He didn’t wake up. But I was about to.
As I settled in to my new home and new neighborhood, I sought out a church community. I found Trinity church (called Destination at the time) after checking out several options.
When I signed up for my first small group, my vision for my non profit feeding ministry (Make Them Yummy Meals) was just forming. As we studied the “Circle Maker” by Mark Batterson, I remember the lesson on dreaming big and having a vision beyond your resources. It was a great reminder that God is greater than anything we can imagine and no request is to big. This is when I started praying to end world hunger – not just praying for the hungry on the streets of Chicago.
Reading “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” along with a dozen amazing women at Trinity was another powerful step in my faith journey. So many feels from this book – I could devote an entire post on it. At this point, my vision for Maketym is becoming clearer. I learn that beauty will come from my pain, and that God is making something amazing out of my life. I’m slowly waking up. Enough to pay attention to what God is telling me.
Then, after being asked to assist in leading Financial Peace University, I joyfully signed up – twice. I had no idea how much I needed this class. I wasn’t in debt, and I always successfully managed the household finances; and thanks to a long and rewarding career at USDA, I have plenty of resources to manage on one income. Except I had no savings. I spent all of the life insurance money on my dream home, and I had already forgotten the embarrassment of borrowing money from my parents when I was on furlough from work. What I have learned from this small group is also worthy of a separate post. Suffice it to say that six months later I have adequate savings and a plan to pay off my mortgage and retire so I can turn my attention to operating MakeTym.
Which leads me to the latest small group – The Creative Process. This is my jam! Since furnishing my craft room, I haven’t started any projects, and my head is spinning with the possibilities. The goal in this group is to focus on how I can glorify and worship God through creativity. I decide to put my vision to paper, creating a business plan and logo. As I write this, we are halfway through our curriculum, and a theme has emerged. After Heidi shared a nugget of wisdom from her collegiate work, the group keeps coming back to it. It’s about the process, not the product. Going through the creative process with this group of talented sisters and brothers in Christ has been such a highlight and blessing in my life this fall.
As I reflect on that first small group experience, it is clearer to me now. I was clinging to the sense of belonging and the comfort in familiarity. Losing Rick pushed me out of my comfort zone in so many ways. Through my experience in each of these small groups at Trinity, God is revealing to me how I can best use the talents and gifts HE has blessed me with. New friendships and new experiences are not so uncomfortable after all.
For the first time in a long while, a colleague asked me how I am doing. She asked with such genuine concern and compassion in her voice and I was touched but caught by surprise. Maybe because I’ve been getting used to my new normal and I think of him less. I immediately responded that I am okay and it is getting easier. Later as I reflected on this I felt guilty and ashamed and bewildered. Recognizing that my life is pretty incredible brings up so many mixed emotions. Grief is so complicated.
A few days later I started watching the Facebook series “Sorry for your loss”. This certainly opened the flood gates again and led me to more Facebook groups on grief – something I had been avoiding because I found little comfort in reading about other’s stories of loss.
But watching Leigh in her grief journey has been comforting and thought provoking. Like her, I struggle with concentrating on work assignments. Like her, I don’t want to get out of bed many days. Like her, I’m sad that I can’t dream about him like I want to. Like her, I heard from my husband through a psychic. Leigh said it well when she complained that she didn’t want to hear him talking on the “phone” to someone else; she wants to see him and touch him.
The differences in our journeys are what really resonate with me. Leigh fights with her mother and sister and leans in to her in-laws for comfort. As for me, I’ve sought comfort from my family and I’ve been rude to my in-laws and pushed them away.
She is not ready for love even though someone is in love with her. I’m ready for love (at least I think I am) but love is complicated and will happen on God’s timeline, not mine.
Leigh’s husband Matt dies without them having children. She can only imagine a life with the heirs of their love. As for me, my children are my greatest blessing in life and I am so grateful to have reminders of Rick when I look into their eyes.
In one episode Leigh visits her late husband’s school where he taught. His colleagues and students honor him with a mural and heartfelt tales of his positive impact. While Rick’s co-workers honored him at his funeral, his employer’s insurance company is disputing any liability for his death.
While I know Rick’s death was accidental, Leigh is unsure if Matt died from an accidental fall or by suicide.
Every widow’s experience is unique. Every person’s loss and their reaction is unique. My own journey has been focused on me and my children. I’ve paid little attention to the impact of Rick’s absence on his friends and family. I don’t apologize for it. It’s what I’ve needed to do to heal. Yet I had an aha moment when Leigh was asked to address the students in Matt’s school. Having realized what a profound loss the student’s experienced she ended her talk with a simple “I’m sorry for your loss”.
The details are fuzzy but the memory of how I felt is crystal clear. He was my first love and I had dreams of a future together. When it was over there were tears and disbelief and a deep sadness and helplessness that I had not experienced before. I was in my early 20’s and it was my introduction to a grief that left me feeling rejected, numb, angry and hopeless.
Thirty years later I’m “breaking up” again. It’s hard, but it’s a different kind of hard.
This break up is not a romantic break up. In fact, it feels weird to call it a break up for that reason. As I shared my frustrations about the relationship, a friend of mine shared her experience in breaking up with a friend. I have lots of friendships that have faded over the years but none ended with a formal declaration to sever the relationship.
Of course not all friendships last forever. Recently a good friend shared the following… it’s a great reminder of way different friendships impact our life. The ending of a relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. —Author unknown
This is a break-up I initiated. Being around this friend causes me pain. When I am around her I feel inadequate. I feel judged and not supported in my decisions. Although ending the relationship was important for my well being, I realize now I probably wasn’t quite ready to pull the trigger.
Maybe I thought initiating the break up would be easier, but it’s not. I feel the kind of rejection and anger that I felt when someone I loved broke up with me. Even though it was my idea, I haven’t really let go. I haven’t worked through the forgiveness. I haven’t worked through the grief I feel. My heart hopes for reconciliation but the realist in me knows it won’t happen. I need to accept it.
I think about how my experience compares to the ultimate break-up: a divorce. Clearly a divorce means the end of a romance and difficult decisions regarding finances and assets. Absent those conditions, I am grieving the end of a long term relationship that once brought me joy. I’m imagining the awkwardness when our paths cross. I wonder about the impact on my relationship with mutual friends and family. I wonder if counseling would have saved the relationship?
I turned into a drama queen. I started telling anyone that would listen how horribly I’ve been treated all while complaining about how the other person was gossiping about me. I wrongfully placed blame for the impact my break up was having on others. As my therapist told me, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t push someone away and then stir the pot by complaining about how wronged you feel. And why do I even feel so wronged. She got real with me and crushed my ego a bit, reminding me that it isn’t about me. So why take it so personally?
My therapist was spot on and her words have helped me to apologize and to direct my attention to letting go and working through the grief of this broken relationship. I’m not there yet. Breaking up is hard to do.
You would not believe the week I’ve had. Obviously with the second anniversary of your death, I’ve been (slightly) more emotional than usual. I also decided it was a great time to start a 30 day cleanse, so my body is all out of whack (I do feel good though). Adding in the stressful, busy week I’ve had at work, all I wanted at the end of each day was to call you.
You were the best listener (and talker, too). You were always only a phone call away and you know just what to say to cheer me up or distract me long enough for me to forget about whatever was going on that day. I can’t believe it’s been two years since I’ve heard your voice. I miss it so much, even your smokers cough.
A lot has happened since the first anniversary of your passing. Last year I made promises to talk about you more, share your compassion and friendliness with those around me, be a friend to everyone and make tym for the people and things I love. I like to think I’ve been able to do all those on top of starting a new job (and being promoted, too), meeting some amazing new friends that I know will be lifelong friends, and starting wedding planning. It isn’t easy to do any of it without you here but I know you are always with me in spirit.
Speaking of your spirit, on Father’s Day, Nic and I were browsing prints at a stand at Bonnaroo and he came across one with Spirit in the Sky written in a bird. That was the clearest sign I’ve received from you so far.
The dogs serve as my daily reminder to make tym. Nic and I are more often on their schedule rather than they are on ours. I still need to work on the patience and not always being in a hurry to get to where I’m going (my license plate serves as my reminder there). I wish you would’ve met them. You would’ve loved Pumpkin’s sassy attitude and Reggie’s need to be around his family.
The friends I’ve made this past year have gotten to know you through the stories and memories I’ve shared with them and I think you would’ve really liked them. I think you would especially my friend Dani. She has helped me through my grief in ways she probably doesn’t realize. When I first met her, she had recently lost her dad, too. While she is a (little) older than me, it was still so comforting to have someone know what I was feeling and going through. I hope you’ve met her dad up there, I think you two would get along great in matching Hawaiian shirts on the beach.
I’m so grateful for the 22 years I got with you. I only wish it could have been more. I miss you more as the days and years continue to go by.
Love you always, your little girl
P.S. As I wrote this from my backyard, playing with the dogs, I noticed 3 hawks flying overhead. Thank you for the constant reminder that you are always there watching over and protecting me.
When I found Trinity church, my friend Ann predicted that it would mean good things to come in my life. Boy was she right.
Recently I agreed to help assist in leading a small group focused on finances. I didn’t pick the topic but figured I could use some nudging in finally developing and sticking to a budget. But honestly, I didn’t think I needed the class. I was raised to always live within my means and Rick and I prided ourselves on being able to pay our credit card balance each month all while providing a comfortable life for our family, a life the included occasional vacations and jewelry for me!
We are only 2 lessons in to Financial Peace University and WOW! – have I ever learned some things. I will get to that.
It should have been obvious to me that going from two incomes to one would be a hardship. But I was the major bread winner and we were so close to paying for both kids’ college expenses. Besides, I had life insurance. And I gave up my car! I resisted the strong advice to not make major financial decisions so soon after Rick died. My desire to be close to work and to eliminate the time and expense of maintaining a home and yard trumped any common sense when it came to pursuing my dream to live in the city in the place of my dreams – a place with a view.
So here I am two years later with a mortgage twice what it was in Oswego and a zero balance in savings. I’ve spent every dime of the life insurance and have not received any Workman’s Compensation from Rick’s employer. And I am in debt. There, I said it. I was in denial. I guess I didn’t think it counted when the debt I owe is to my retirement account and to my parents. But it’s true and it is time to do something about it.
It will not be easy. Already I am feeling the pinch. I’ve cut my entertainment, travel, clothing, restaurant and gift budget until I can get back on track. I’m planning meals around what is in my pantry and liquor cabinet – meaning I only spent $35 this week on groceries! Yeah me!
So what have I learned? I’ve discovered what my priorities are beyond the basics of food, shelter, tithing and transportation. (That would be crafting, wine and a good manicure.) I’ve set up a plan to save for travel and Annika’s wedding. I’ve calculated how long I need to continue working to afford my dream home in retirement. (5 more years!) Even though I purchased my home with my heart and not with my brain, I’m at peace knowing that it’s a purchase I do not regret. It’s my happy place.
Money has had a terrible grip on me; I’ve held my breath counting the days till pay day. But no more! Financial freedom is not far away and for that I am thankful.
Last week was rough. By all accounts, it should have been one of the happiest, like in the top ten ever.
I will start with what was good. Erik graduated from college! Annika and her fiancé Nic traveled from Iowa to join in the celebration. I met Erik’s girlfriend’s family.
My former Food and Nutrition Service colleagues were in Chicago for a meeting. Although I have moved on to a new position, they purposely traveled to Chicago to be able to honor me. I planned dinner and drinks at my place for one of the nights they were in town and unbeknownst to me they planned a happy hour reception for me on another evening. It was an amazing two nights, catching up with colleagues that have become great friends. They showered me with gifts and praise and well wishes. I was able to share my beautiful home with them; my happy place. This brought me incredible joy.
Also good was time spent with Walter. As we have moved past the first six weeks of dating we are settling into a happy place. He is kind, and attentive and encouraging. He makes me feel special and beautiful and the joy I feel each time we greet each other is the type of joy that stirs up the butterflies in my stomach and makes me weak in the knees. Walter was able to join me at my dinner party and he planned a special date for us the following weekend. In between, came the rough stuff.
In retrospect it really wasn’t that rough but I’ve had some time to reflect. In particular, I am trying to understand why the words of others, strangers AND family alike make me feel so bad about myself, enough so to turn a good week into a bad one
The stranger’s comments were on a private Facebook page. She didn’t agree with my observation and rather than just disagree, she insisted I was wrong and told me I was offensive AF. Although I remained respectful and felt justified in my observation, I hate to admit just how much I let her comments affect me. And my heart was full from a really terrific week I can only imagine how I would have reacted if I was having a stressful week.
A family member’s comments also caused me to press pause and really reflect on the impact of my interactions with others. Is my grief process easier because I can find love again? What is my level of responsibility in helping others in their grief over Rick? Am I displaying the Christian values that I seek to demonstrate each day? Although I was able to seek clarification on the feedback I got, it still had a big impact. It left me wondering why the approval of others is so integral to my happiness. So far I’ve concluded that this is something I need to pray about. And it will be a good topic to explore at my next therapist appointment.
Meanwhile, I am focused on the things in life that bring me joy. A great new job, a guy that I am crazy about, and family celebrations like Erik’s graduation and Annika’s engagement. Life is good. I am happy.
Last week the kids and I spread Rick’s ashes off the coast of Maui. I’m thankful for my sister and brother-in-law and nieces that were by our side and for the friends and family that checked in with me to make sure I was okay. A common sentiment was, “That must have been so hard.” If I said it wasn’t, would you judge me?
Don’t get me wrong. There were tears and my hands were shaking and I was to choked up to speak. And while it was difficult, it was beautiful, peaceful and healing. I said goodbye to Rick on July 11, 2017 and on April 17, 2019, I said hello to Julie version 2.
There was nothing wrong with Julie version 1, except she was defined in large part by her life with Rick. And without him, she had to learn how to find happiness again.
Julie version 2 misses Rick dearly. Yet she is focused on living her best life in this next phase. And slowly but surely she is finding joy at every turn.
She loves her dream home. She loves her new role at work. She loves her new church and her new friends in the city. She is working toward new goals – to be a writer and to “make them yummy meals”. She is a little bit thinner and she is feeling prettier with longer hair. Her children are doing well and she loves seeing them soar. She smiles a lot. She is happy.
Spreading Rick’s ashes was difficult. But it wasn’t the kind of difficult I anticipated. And I truly believe the timing was key. We ended our week long stay in Maui with a wedding anniversary celebration and when we took off for home I knew I was likely leaving Maui for the last time. While it’s a place that holds many special memories, Julie v. 2 is ready for a new adventure.
Several days ago I had the amazing opportunity to hear Michelle Obama talk about her book Becoming. It was an entertaining night, listening to her share special moments from her life. Her journey as a mom, wife, and daughter is much like mine and other women, minus her experience in the White House. It’s a journey of growth and discovery. It’s a journey filled with celebrations and disappointments. Like her, I am exploring who I am and deciding who I want to become.
Last night I was talking with Werner, a new man I met and I was telling him how I am learning a lot about myself through the process of dating. When I was married, I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about my interests or my life purpose. I was pretty focused on working, raising my kids and managing a household. There is something about writing up a personal resume on Match.com that makes you stop and reflect on what is important to you. I told Werner about rediscovering my passion for writing. I shared how my faith in God has become stronger and how different dating is from the 80’s.
What I didn’t share with Werner is my uncomfortableness with being single.
I’ve spent a lot of time praying about this. The frustration and rejection and time spent searching for love on the dating apps has made me wonder if it’s worth it. Every other day I change my mind. Tomorrow I will delete. Then tomorrow comes and I talk to someone endearing like Werner and I think I’ll wait and see.
Last week I hosted a dinner party for several couples that I am close to. I almost didn’t do it. I was a tiny bit worried about being the only single among my friends but my therapist helped remind me that my friends love me just as much when I am on my own. I was mostly sad that I didn’t have a partner to help me plan the menu and to serve the drinks. All I had to do was ask, and of course my besties came to the rescue. It was a lovely night.
Recently I’ve been negligent in getting enough exercise. Ok, not just recently. My trainer asked me to start putting an X across my calendar on the days I do not exercise. Today was a beautiful day and a good excuse to not X out the day. I put on my walking shoes and looked up the podcast that a friend had recommended. As I was browsing the list of topics, the one on singleness jumped out at me.
Four miles later, as I finished the podcast I was blown away. All of the sudden, I started seeing my singleness as a good thing. Immediately I thought back to my conversation with Werner and him asking me what I am learning about myself.
I’m learning so much more than what I shared with him. I’m learning about my life purpose. I am forming a vision of who I want to be and how I can serve in my community. I am learning to understand the gifts I have and how I can make a difference in this world.
I am becoming myself. I can’t wait to share this with Werner on our first date this week.
You are engaged! You are so excited to be planning your future with Rick. You are pretty focused on china patterns, house hunting, a song list for the DJ, and your honeymoon. You are wondering when Rick is going to tell you about the exotic secret destination he picked out.
You have no idea what is in store for you over the next 28 years and surely being single again is the furthest thing from your mind. But that is why I’m writing. It’s been so long since your 54 year old self has been single. She is having a hard time remembering what it was like.
You see, your 54 year old self is in therapy and this week’s assignment is to think about dating in the context of how different 54 year old Julie is from the Julie in her 20’s.
Besides the obvious circumstantial differences – the internet; 80 pounds; being a mom; and being financially secure – I’m finding it challenging to zero in on the more obscure differences.
For example, in many ways, I am just like my 26 year old self. I love to spend time with friends and I can still dance with a beer on my head. I would still describe myself as creative, social, professional, family oriented, giving and thoughtful.
And sure, my circumstance have changed. I’m now a city girl without a car. I’m committed to my faith more than ever. I’m developing my interest in writing. I’m thinking about retirement and what that might look like. And every day, I make my bed. (This might not be important but I never used to do so.)
So 28 years later as I think about my next romantic relationship, I know a lot more. I know what it is like to be loved in good times and in bad. I am smarter and have formed more educated opinions. My tastes in design, fashion, food and wine have evolved. I know what I want and frankly, this scares me because it certainly limits my options in a pool of eligibles that is much smaller than it was 30 years ago. Some days I feel like I am searching for a needle in a haystack.
Even though I am blonder, I’m not as sexy as I was at age 26 and neither are the potential matches I am seeing on-line. I have wondered if I would “like” Rick’s profile on Match.com if I were meeting him now instead of at age 23?
These are just some of the random thoughts going through my mind, when I should be in bed. I’ve got a few more days to work on this assignment so I will close for now. Perhaps my 26 year old self will speak to me in my dreams and remind me of the joys of being single and dating and searching for love.
