It’s my last full day of vacation and I woke up not ready to face the day. I skipped breakfast and snoozed for another hour. You would think it was a work day and not another day in paradise. Once up, I headed to the beach, covered up to protect myself from more sunburn. I spent time reflecting and journaling.
At lunch, I picked a pizza place thinking a calzone sounded good. But then I considered a burger and then thought about all the authentic Thai food to choose from. Francine asked what I wanted to do today and I had no idea. I didn’t want to be in the sun; it was probably to late to book a tour; I didn’t need to do any more shopping. Crap, I can’t even decide what to eat for lunch.
I returned to the room, not wanting to waste my day in paradise but paralyzed in a state of indecision. I came on this trip with expectations of healing and right now I feel as broken as ever and crave the comfort of home.
I start asking myself, why can I make major decisions with ease and the simple ones throw me into a tailspin? Is this part of not knowing what I truly want in life? Is it related to my inability to ask others for help or a preference to have a partner that will make decisions for the both of us so I don’t have to. And being the control freak I am, I know that I don’t truly want that. Maybe what I want is someone in my life that knows me enough to carry me when I can’t do it alone. I want the confidence to say what I want and that starts with knowing what I want.
I continued to reflect on my self doubt and my quest to forgive and love myself. I prayed for confidence, for patience, for trust, and for the ability to surrender control. I pray that I can open my heart to others that are trying to help me if I will just let them.
Meanwhile, what did I do today? I listened to last Sunday’s sermon from church; I napped; I found a shady spot by the rooftop pool bar and I ate, drank and wrote. Writing has been my lifeline since Rick died and on a day in paradise when my choices were unlimited, I chose to write. And it was a great decision.
At work today I was asked about my plans for New Years Eve. When I shared that I would be alone, colleagues expressed the joys of having alone time. Yes, alone time is good but not when you are lonely.
As I left work, I was fighting back the tears thinking of how much I miss both Rick and Walter. I stopped at Mariano’s and bought myself some flowers, my favorite wine and some of my favorite snacks. At home, I pick out some romantic comedy’s on Netflix that will make it impossible to fight the tears much longer.
And I write. It’s my lifeline when I have time and it’ a healthy outlet to process the myriad of emotions I feel. Although I am drinking that bottle of wine – a less healthy outlet. Do the two cancel each other out? Speaking of writing…I can’t wait to fill the writing prompt journal that I got for Christmas. Thanks Hannah!
I’ve done a lot of reading*, journaling and reflecting since the break-up. My therapist and my friends have given me a lot to think about. And since it’s the time of year for resolutions, I might as well write about my goals for 2020; an evolution of Julie v. 2.
Deal with my fear of being alone
Read more
Launch Make Them Yummy Meals
Travel to Asia
Write
Establish better boundaries
Buy a lake home
Dance at my daughter’s wedding
Continue working on my health goals
Keep my Christmas tree up all year – because it brings me such joy
Ten goals are a good and realistic number to focus on. There is one big one that I am keeping a secret for now. Some of them will be harder than others – obviously! Mostly I will focus on the first goal. A year from now I want to embrace being alone and not be afraid of it.
As I look at my friend Francine’s New Year’s post (she is 12 hours ahead), I think she summed it up well. She says, “Visit new places, take a new road on your journey, talk to new people, open your heart to those who need a little kindness, leave the anger and fear in the past and breathe in gratitude for the New Year! There is always a new day to see the sunshine and be the change you wish to see with a smile! Namaste”.
Francine is one of my mentors and closest friends. She has experienced a lot of adversity in life and her integrity, courage and strength inspire me as I work on loving myself. We met on a Girl Scout trip in Europe in 2012. In 2020, Julie version 2 and Francine will be taking on Asia and I just know it will be the trip of a lifetime.
The flowers look beautiful in my kitchen; the wine and snacks are mostly gone; I had a good healing ugly cry and spent the last few hours of 2019 tucked in my cozy bed alone with my dreams of the future.
May the new year bring a new happy.
*I highly recommend “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottileb
A couple of weeks ago I attended a special worship opportunity at Trinity. It was called Prescense and it was about seeking the Holy Spirit. I asked for prayers of affirmation. I talked about the void I felt since Rick’s death and the broken relationships that followed. One prayer that really resonated with me was a prayer for God to speak to me in my dreams. I went home and wrote in my journal:
“Dear Julie, Stop trying to fix others. You have enough to fix about yourself. And while you are at it, don’t hold grudges. Air your grievances and then let it go. It’s not about you anyway.”
That night I didn’t sleep, waiting for God to speak to me, not realizing he already had.
At the time I had a certain relationship on my mind. I realized that I wanted that person to change – I wanted her to go to therapy so she could love me that way I needed her to. I wanted her to fix the hurt in her life so she would stop hurting me. I set up boundaries to protect myself from the judgment and pain. I miss her.
God was preparing me for an even bigger hurt. A finale to 8 months of falling in love. Two days later I learned that my boyfriend was dating other women.
I was blindsided. My prayer was for affirmation and what I got was rejection. Is this what an unanswered prayer is?
Some amazing girlfriends lifted me up and advised me to take time to think about how to handle the betrayal. I thought about how he might react and wondered if he would be honest with me. I reflected on prior conversatoins, looking for clues, looking for answers.
I didn’t want to let him go and started thinking of ways I could fix the relationship. Honestly, I wanted to fix him…I certainly didn’t need to change!
I decided to cut things off abruptly. I didn’t trust myself to hear his explanation. I realized he might not have any remorse and I knew that would add more salt to my wounds.
So now I work on me. I continue to pray for affirmation. But I realize now that affirmation needs to come from within and not from a relationship. Thank you God for hearing my prayer.
When our children were young, Rick and I attended Lord of Life, a small church that met in a school gymnasium. As a couple we participated in a small group bible study with several other young families. Our Friday night meetings were filled with great conversation, plenty of adult beverages, and time for us and our kids to establish incredible trusting friendships with other believers. What I got out of these Friday night gatherings was more about community than my relationship with God, and I didn’t want it to end. In fact, I remember at one of our meetings, one of our church leaders encouraged us to break out into new groups and not one of us stepped up to accept her challenge. I remember feeing bad, but this small group felt like family. I could not imagine leaving the group or even letting others in.
Eventually our small group stopped meeting, and the church disbanded. Rick and I attended another church for a while, but when the pastor moved to a new location we lost interest. We stopped attending, and I justified it thinking I didn’t need a church to have a relationship with God. Yet, I put my spiritual life on hold. I went from barely talking to God to not at all. I pushed the relationship aside.
Years later, I felt like a hypocrite, desperately praying at Rick’s bedside, praying that he would wake up from a coma. He didn’t wake up. But I was about to.
As I settled in to my new home and new neighborhood, I sought out a church community. I found Trinity church (called Destination at the time) after checking out several options.
When I signed up for my first small group, my vision for my non profit feeding ministry (Make Them Yummy Meals) was just forming. As we studied the “Circle Maker” by Mark Batterson, I remember the lesson on dreaming big and having a vision beyond your resources. It was a great reminder that God is greater than anything we can imagine and no request is to big. This is when I started praying to end world hunger – not just praying for the hungry on the streets of Chicago.
Reading “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” along with a dozen amazing women at Trinity was another powerful step in my faith journey. So many feels from this book – I could devote an entire post on it. At this point, my vision for Maketym is becoming clearer. I learn that beauty will come from my pain, and that God is making something amazing out of my life. I’m slowly waking up. Enough to pay attention to what God is telling me.
Then, after being asked to assist in leading Financial Peace University, I joyfully signed up – twice. I had no idea how much I needed this class. I wasn’t in debt, and I always successfully managed the household finances; and thanks to a long and rewarding career at USDA, I have plenty of resources to manage on one income. Except I had no savings. I spent all of the life insurance money on my dream home, and I had already forgotten the embarrassment of borrowing money from my parents when I was on furlough from work. What I have learned from this small group is also worthy of a separate post. Suffice it to say that six months later I have adequate savings and a plan to pay off my mortgage and retire so I can turn my attention to operating MakeTym.
Which leads me to the latest small group – The Creative Process. This is my jam! Since furnishing my craft room, I haven’t started any projects, and my head is spinning with the possibilities. The goal in this group is to focus on how I can glorify and worship God through creativity. I decide to put my vision to paper, creating a business plan and logo. As I write this, we are halfway through our curriculum, and a theme has emerged. After Heidi shared a nugget of wisdom from her collegiate work, the group keeps coming back to it. It’s about the process, not the product. Going through the creative process with this group of talented sisters and brothers in Christ has been such a highlight and blessing in my life this fall.
As I reflect on that first small group experience, it is clearer to me now. I was clinging to the sense of belonging and the comfort in familiarity. Losing Rick pushed me out of my comfort zone in so many ways. Through my experience in each of these small groups at Trinity, God is revealing to me how I can best use the talents and gifts HE has blessed me with. New friendships and new experiences are not so uncomfortable after all.
For the first time in a long while, a colleague asked me how I am doing. She asked with such genuine concern and compassion in her voice and I was touched but caught by surprise. Maybe because I’ve been getting used to my new normal and I think of him less. I immediately responded that I am okay and it is getting easier. Later as I reflected on this I felt guilty and ashamed and bewildered. Recognizing that my life is pretty incredible brings up so many mixed emotions. Grief is so complicated.
A few days later I started watching the Facebook series “Sorry for your loss”. This certainly opened the flood gates again and led me to more Facebook groups on grief – something I had been avoiding because I found little comfort in reading about other’s stories of loss.
But watching Leigh in her grief journey has been comforting and thought provoking. Like her, I struggle with concentrating on work assignments. Like her, I don’t want to get out of bed many days. Like her, I’m sad that I can’t dream about him like I want to. Like her, I heard from my husband through a psychic. Leigh said it well when she complained that she didn’t want to hear him talking on the “phone” to someone else; she wants to see him and touch him.
The differences in our journeys are what really resonate with me. Leigh fights with her mother and sister and leans in to her in-laws for comfort. As for me, I’ve sought comfort from my family and I’ve been rude to my in-laws and pushed them away.
She is not ready for love even though someone is in love with her. I’m ready for love (at least I think I am) but love is complicated and will happen on God’s timeline, not mine.
Leigh’s husband Matt dies without them having children. She can only imagine a life with the heirs of their love. As for me, my children are my greatest blessing in life and I am so grateful to have reminders of Rick when I look into their eyes.
In one episode Leigh visits her late husband’s school where he taught. His colleagues and students honor him with a mural and heartfelt tales of his positive impact. While Rick’s co-workers honored him at his funeral, his employer’s insurance company is disputing any liability for his death.
While I know Rick’s death was accidental, Leigh is unsure if Matt died from an accidental fall or by suicide.
Every widow’s experience is unique. Every person’s loss and their reaction is unique. My own journey has been focused on me and my children. I’ve paid little attention to the impact of Rick’s absence on his friends and family. I don’t apologize for it. It’s what I’ve needed to do to heal. Yet I had an aha moment when Leigh was asked to address the students in Matt’s school. Having realized what a profound loss the student’s experienced she ended her talk with a simple “I’m sorry for your loss”.
The details are fuzzy but the memory of how I felt is crystal clear. He was my first love and I had dreams of a future together. When it was over there were tears and disbelief and a deep sadness and helplessness that I had not experienced before. I was in my early 20’s and it was my introduction to a grief that left me feeling rejected, numb, angry and hopeless.
Thirty years later I’m “breaking up” again. It’s hard, but it’s a different kind of hard.
This break up is not a romantic break up. In fact, it feels weird to call it a break up for that reason. As I shared my frustrations about the relationship, a friend of mine shared her experience in breaking up with a friend. I have lots of friendships that have faded over the years but none ended with a formal declaration to sever the relationship.
Of course not all friendships last forever. Recently a good friend shared the following… it’s a great reminder of way different friendships impact our life. The ending of a relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. —Author unknown
This is a break-up I initiated. Being around this friend causes me pain. When I am around her I feel inadequate. I feel judged and not supported in my decisions. Although ending the relationship was important for my well being, I realize now I probably wasn’t quite ready to pull the trigger.
Maybe I thought initiating the break up would be easier, but it’s not. I feel the kind of rejection and anger that I felt when someone I loved broke up with me. Even though it was my idea, I haven’t really let go. I haven’t worked through the forgiveness. I haven’t worked through the grief I feel. My heart hopes for reconciliation but the realist in me knows it won’t happen. I need to accept it.
I think about how my experience compares to the ultimate break-up: a divorce. Clearly a divorce means the end of a romance and difficult decisions regarding finances and assets. Absent those conditions, I am grieving the end of a long term relationship that once brought me joy. I’m imagining the awkwardness when our paths cross. I wonder about the impact on my relationship with mutual friends and family. I wonder if counseling would have saved the relationship?
I turned into a drama queen. I started telling anyone that would listen how horribly I’ve been treated all while complaining about how the other person was gossiping about me. I wrongfully placed blame for the impact my break up was having on others. As my therapist told me, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t push someone away and then stir the pot by complaining about how wronged you feel. And why do I even feel so wronged. She got real with me and crushed my ego a bit, reminding me that it isn’t about me. So why take it so personally?
My therapist was spot on and her words have helped me to apologize and to direct my attention to letting go and working through the grief of this broken relationship. I’m not there yet. Breaking up is hard to do.
You would not believe the week I’ve had. Obviously with the second anniversary of your death, I’ve been (slightly) more emotional than usual. I also decided it was a great time to start a 30 day cleanse, so my body is all out of whack (I do feel good though). Adding in the stressful, busy week I’ve had at work, all I wanted at the end of each day was to call you.
You were the best listener (and talker, too). You were always only a phone call away and you know just what to say to cheer me up or distract me long enough for me to forget about whatever was going on that day. I can’t believe it’s been two years since I’ve heard your voice. I miss it so much, even your smokers cough.
A lot has happened since the first anniversary of your passing. Last year I made promises to talk about you more, share your compassion and friendliness with those around me, be a friend to everyone and make tym for the people and things I love. I like to think I’ve been able to do all those on top of starting a new job (and being promoted, too), meeting some amazing new friends that I know will be lifelong friends, and starting wedding planning. It isn’t easy to do any of it without you here but I know you are always with me in spirit.
Speaking of your spirit, on Father’s Day, Nic and I were browsing prints at a stand at Bonnaroo and he came across one with Spirit in the Sky written in a bird. That was the clearest sign I’ve received from you so far.
The dogs serve as my daily reminder to make tym. Nic and I are more often on their schedule rather than they are on ours. I still need to work on the patience and not always being in a hurry to get to where I’m going (my license plate serves as my reminder there). I wish you would’ve met them. You would’ve loved Pumpkin’s sassy attitude and Reggie’s need to be around his family.
The friends I’ve made this past year have gotten to know you through the stories and memories I’ve shared with them and I think you would’ve really liked them. I think you would especially my friend Dani. She has helped me through my grief in ways she probably doesn’t realize. When I first met her, she had recently lost her dad, too. While she is a (little) older than me, it was still so comforting to have someone know what I was feeling and going through. I hope you’ve met her dad up there, I think you two would get along great in matching Hawaiian shirts on the beach.
I’m so grateful for the 22 years I got with you. I only wish it could have been more. I miss you more as the days and years continue to go by.
Love you always, your little girl
P.S. As I wrote this from my backyard, playing with the dogs, I noticed 3 hawks flying overhead. Thank you for the constant reminder that you are always there watching over and protecting me.
When I found Trinity church, my friend Ann predicted that it would mean good things to come in my life. Boy was she right.
Recently I agreed to help assist in leading a small group focused on finances. I didn’t pick the topic but figured I could use some nudging in finally developing and sticking to a budget. But honestly, I didn’t think I needed the class. I was raised to always live within my means and Rick and I prided ourselves on being able to pay our credit card balance each month all while providing a comfortable life for our family, a life the included occasional vacations and jewelry for me!
We are only 2 lessons in to Financial Peace University and WOW! – have I ever learned some things. I will get to that.
It should have been obvious to me that going from two incomes to one would be a hardship. But I was the major bread winner and we were so close to paying for both kids’ college expenses. Besides, I had life insurance. And I gave up my car! I resisted the strong advice to not make major financial decisions so soon after Rick died. My desire to be close to work and to eliminate the time and expense of maintaining a home and yard trumped any common sense when it came to pursuing my dream to live in the city in the place of my dreams – a place with a view.
So here I am two years later with a mortgage twice what it was in Oswego and a zero balance in savings. I’ve spent every dime of the life insurance and have not received any Workman’s Compensation from Rick’s employer. And I am in debt. There, I said it. I was in denial. I guess I didn’t think it counted when the debt I owe is to my retirement account and to my parents. But it’s true and it is time to do something about it.
It will not be easy. Already I am feeling the pinch. I’ve cut my entertainment, travel, clothing, restaurant and gift budget until I can get back on track. I’m planning meals around what is in my pantry and liquor cabinet – meaning I only spent $35 this week on groceries! Yeah me!
So what have I learned? I’ve discovered what my priorities are beyond the basics of food, shelter, tithing and transportation. (That would be crafting, wine and a good manicure.) I’ve set up a plan to save for travel and Annika’s wedding. I’ve calculated how long I need to continue working to afford my dream home in retirement. (5 more years!) Even though I purchased my home with my heart and not with my brain, I’m at peace knowing that it’s a purchase I do not regret. It’s my happy place.
Money has had a terrible grip on me; I’ve held my breath counting the days till pay day. But no more! Financial freedom is not far away and for that I am thankful.
Last week was rough. By all accounts, it should have been one of the happiest, like in the top ten ever.
I will start with what was good. Erik graduated from college! Annika and her fiancé Nic traveled from Iowa to join in the celebration. I met Erik’s girlfriend’s family.
My former Food and Nutrition Service colleagues were in Chicago for a meeting. Although I have moved on to a new position, they purposely traveled to Chicago to be able to honor me. I planned dinner and drinks at my place for one of the nights they were in town and unbeknownst to me they planned a happy hour reception for me on another evening. It was an amazing two nights, catching up with colleagues that have become great friends. They showered me with gifts and praise and well wishes. I was able to share my beautiful home with them; my happy place. This brought me incredible joy.
Also good was time spent with Walter. As we have moved past the first six weeks of dating we are settling into a happy place. He is kind, and attentive and encouraging. He makes me feel special and beautiful and the joy I feel each time we greet each other is the type of joy that stirs up the butterflies in my stomach and makes me weak in the knees. Walter was able to join me at my dinner party and he planned a special date for us the following weekend. In between, came the rough stuff.
In retrospect it really wasn’t that rough but I’ve had some time to reflect. In particular, I am trying to understand why the words of others, strangers AND family alike make me feel so bad about myself, enough so to turn a good week into a bad one
The stranger’s comments were on a private Facebook page. She didn’t agree with my observation and rather than just disagree, she insisted I was wrong and told me I was offensive AF. Although I remained respectful and felt justified in my observation, I hate to admit just how much I let her comments affect me. And my heart was full from a really terrific week I can only imagine how I would have reacted if I was having a stressful week.
A family member’s comments also caused me to press pause and really reflect on the impact of my interactions with others. Is my grief process easier because I can find love again? What is my level of responsibility in helping others in their grief over Rick? Am I displaying the Christian values that I seek to demonstrate each day? Although I was able to seek clarification on the feedback I got, it still had a big impact. It left me wondering why the approval of others is so integral to my happiness. So far I’ve concluded that this is something I need to pray about. And it will be a good topic to explore at my next therapist appointment.
Meanwhile, I am focused on the things in life that bring me joy. A great new job, a guy that I am crazy about, and family celebrations like Erik’s graduation and Annika’s engagement. Life is good. I am happy.
Last week the kids and I spread Rick’s ashes off the coast of Maui. I’m thankful for my sister and brother-in-law and nieces that were by our side and for the friends and family that checked in with me to make sure I was okay. A common sentiment was, “That must have been so hard.” If I said it wasn’t, would you judge me?
Don’t get me wrong. There were tears and my hands were shaking and I was to choked up to speak. And while it was difficult, it was beautiful, peaceful and healing. I said goodbye to Rick on July 11, 2017 and on April 17, 2019, I said hello to Julie version 2.
There was nothing wrong with Julie version 1, except she was defined in large part by her life with Rick. And without him, she had to learn how to find happiness again.
Julie version 2 misses Rick dearly. Yet she is focused on living her best life in this next phase. And slowly but surely she is finding joy at every turn.
She loves her dream home. She loves her new role at work. She loves her new church and her new friends in the city. She is working toward new goals – to be a writer and to “make them yummy meals”. She is a little bit thinner and she is feeling prettier with longer hair. Her children are doing well and she loves seeing them soar. She smiles a lot. She is happy.
Spreading Rick’s ashes was difficult. But it wasn’t the kind of difficult I anticipated. And I truly believe the timing was key. We ended our week long stay in Maui with a wedding anniversary celebration and when we took off for home I knew I was likely leaving Maui for the last time. While it’s a place that holds many special memories, Julie v. 2 is ready for a new adventure.
