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Of all the days I’ve been dreading in this first year, I think Father’s Day is the one that weighs heaviest on me. And because I am fortunate to have my dad in my life, (He turned 84 years young on the day before Father’s Day) my sadness is for my children.   They have endured 11 months and one week without their dad.  And today, as the world celebrates fatherhood it’s another painful reminder of how much they have lost.  I want nothing more than to take away their pain.

Rick became a dad on February 20, 1995.  After a long day of labor Annika Marie arrived.  Rick drove home around 2 am.  He was so elated, so excited and so overcome with the gravity of becoming a father that he drove erratically and worried that he would be pulled over.  He would tell you that it was the happiest day of his life.

23 months later, on January 28, 1997 Rick rushed me to the hospital and 20 minutes after we arrived he was the proud father of a son.  We named him Erik David and our family was complete.

As young working parents, we were busy yet happy.  When my work travels took their toll on our work/life balance, Rick quit his job to be a stay at home dad.  In my newest role at USDA I had a 20 State territory as a supervisory investigator and I had many staff to meet.  Rick and the kids joined me on on all my trips that were within driving distance.  It was the greatest year of our lives.  It is the best example I know of him Making TYM for what was important to him — our family.

As the kids got older, fatherhood for Rick meant daddy/daughter dances with Annika, coaching Erik in football, and so many other great moments.  Family vacations, college visits, phone calls, fishing at grandma’s house, football games, and grilling out on Father’s day.

While it’s nice to honor all the dads on the 3rd Sunday in June, Rick lived every day over the last 22 like it was Father’s Day.  He treasured his daughter and wanted nothing more than her happiness.  He loved his son and he pushed him to achieve more than he was able to achieve in life.  He was so proud of both of them.

So today, my daughter grieves the loss of her daddy.  He will not be here to walk her down the aisle.  Today my son grieves the loss of his dad.  They cannot bond over beers and and he will no longer hear his dad’s praise after a game well played.

While today is sad, I am grateful.  My kids has an amazing father that loved them dearly.  They have memories of a dad that was truly the best during his short life.  There is no doubt in Annika and Erik’s mind that they were loved dearly.  Now that he is gone, others have stepped in to love them and mentor them.  They are lucky to have male role models like my cousin Tim, my brother Michael and Nic’s dad Jim.

And I’m grateful for my dad.  Not only did he provide a loving and safe home for me growing up; he provided me with an education and my first home and he helped me find my career with the USDA.  Thank you Daddy.

To all the Dad’s – Happy Father’s Day!

 

 

 

Saturday afternoon I received an unexpected phone call from one of my best friends and while I was excited to see her name pop up on my phone, I had a feeling she wasn’t calling just to catch up. When she told me the tragic news of Mia’s passing, I was left in disbelief. I was speechless and I’m still in shock.

It was the same shock and disbelief I felt 11 months ago when I received a phone call about my dad’s accident. Although my dad’s accident and Mia’s accident were different, it still brings up the same feelings and heartbreak that come with sudden deaths. Death is never easy to cope with, but sudden deaths hit us the hardest.

We don’t see it coming, we don’t have time to prepare for this pain, we don’t expect to have to say goodbye so soon.

I’ve spent the last day reflecting on the few memories I have with Mia and I regret not getting to know her sooner than I did. I first met Mia when we both joined AOII and although we were only familiar faces to each other, she never walked by without a smile on her face or without saying hello. It wasn’t until we both served on GW Central our senior year that I really got to know her. After a difficult fall semester, I was looking forward to being disaffiliated for Greek Week and meeting new people outside of my own chapter. However, being the introvert that I am I was immediately relieved to learn Mia was going to also serve on GW Central. She treated me as though we had been friends forever and always made me feel included, regardless of how alone I felt. Her smile could light up a room and her infectious laugh would make your day. She had an eagerness to always help others and treated everyone with acceptance and love.

  

Mia touched the lives of everyone she met and she will be greatly missed by all who knew her. We should all strive to embody the values Mia showed us on a daily basis. Only the good die young and Mia was truly one of the best. Rest in Peace, Mia. 

 

All these months I’ve been writing on MakeTym.com and I haven’t talked much about the true theme of this blog – about making time for what is important.  It really hit me today.  As I’ve been reflecting on my  latest dating fail, I realized with some help from my girlfriends that were willing to get real with me that I need to slow down.  I need to take the time needed to find the right guy for me.  As I pressed pause this weekend, I had the opportunity to take a crash course in dating, courtesy of the best girlfriends a girl could ask for.

Slowing down is not easy for me.  I like to live life in the fast lane.  I complete work tasks fast and when I want something I go after it.  After 25 amazing years with Rick I miss the emotional and physical connection we had.  Every day that it takes to find that next love connection feels like a wasted day of my life.  In my mind I know this is not really true.  My lonely heart tells me something else.

I know I can find love again but I lack the patience and the stamina needed to weed out the frauds and to make time to get to know the others.  You could say that I’m being lazy.  I am in a rush to get off of the dating sites and I don’t feel confidant that I will meet someone any other way.  And regardless of how I meet someone, I am not taking the time to let the relationship unfold organically.  Writing this makes me realize how desperate I must seem to the men I am meeting.

Part of my impatience with the process is the plethora of frauds on these sites.  I’ve become quite good at spotting them and the last one was so mad when I called him out, he accused me of being fake and said he was not going to be my next victim and that I must be a serial dater.  Really!  When I had a date the other night, Erik asked me if the guy was real.  I had to laugh.  Yes, he was real.  We had talked and texted a bit.  But then, he stood me up.  Ouch.  He was real alright.  A real jerk.

And being an open book doesn’t help.  I extend trust quickly and I freely share information about myself.  Why read the book if you already know what happens in the last chapter, right?  A girlfriend advised me to guard my heart and not let anyone in until they have earned the right to it.  Such wise words.  I know she is right.  The moment Rick fell in love with me was when I was dating him and another guy concurrently.  All of the sudden I was not around every time he called.

And let’s talk rejection.  It hurts.  Two failed connections in particular were really hard on me.  It’s not just feeling like you are unworthy of love — For me, it brings back the terrible loss of losing my husband.  The waves of grief just roll back in, drowning me in sorrow and showering me with a loneliness that cannot be shaken.

Writing a profile summary on these sites just adds to the madness.  How do you describe yourself in a way that men will find endearing and intriguing, yet not to revealing?  For me it feels like I need to “market” myself with the very best pictures and a perfect description of my interests and all my good qualities.  I would say 90% of us on these sites like to be active, enjoy movies, and good food and wine  and the Cubs.  So original!   It’s so maddening I’ve thought about changing my summary to something like this:

Overweight, average looking older woman with poor hygiene seeking relationship.  I’m lazy, drink too much, have no money and will text you constantly.  I do not have a sense of humor, and I am not interested in holding hands or cuddling.  I lead a boring life and would not change a thing!  I have a lot of hang ups related to past relationships but I’m sure I can get it right this time.  I’m very controlling and needy and will expect you to cater to my every whim.  Message me and let’s see if we have a connection!

Now that I think of it, this might attract just the right guy – one who can appreciate my sense of humor.

But seriously, I’m going to give it another week (just kidding!).  I’m going to enjoy my first summer in Chicago with all the great friends I have and hopefully meet some interesting new people along the way. Someone out there is looking for me and when he finds me…..well, he’s going to be blown away at what a great catch I am.

Being single at 53 and looking for the perfect man in 2018 is so complicated!

After being catfished right out of the gate, my radar is on high alert.  After I questioned Robert from the UK about using Marco Robinson’s pictures he split faster than an Olympic sprinter.  Next there was David from New Providence, PA.  When I insisted on facetiming to verify his identity he never responded.  The next day, eHarmony notified me that they had removed him from the site.  eHarmony also removed Mark from New York and AJ from Dallas just after we had exchanged introductory messages.

Yesterday I started a lovely conversation with Michael from Coral Springs.  After his profile disappeared he explained that he cancelled his membership after connecting with me.  He has no social media accounts since his attorney advised him to delete everything after being catfished.  Right.  He had several excuses for not being able to FaceTime.  Another one bites the dust.

I tried another app where identifies are verified.  Brad is obsessed with my foot photo on Instagram.  Not a very stimulating conversation.  Howard sent a funny gif and is now MIA.  Others have not reached out even though we both “swiped right”.  And to be clear, I am not on Tinder.

I’m taking a break from the on-line game for now.  Since I’m paid up for several months, my profile remains on line but it has been updated with a warning, using a few choice words.

I’ve gotten lots of advice from friends.  One suggested that  because I had so many wonderful years with Rick and because my grown children do not need a new father that I do not need to be dating.

A couple of friends have suggested looking for someone the old fashioned way.  Could I meet someone at church or at work?  I could take a dance class or cooking class.  Maybe there is someone in my building or someone who I see on the bus each day?  I guess this is possible but it seems like such a long shot and I would have to remove my wedding ring.

Yesterday I had a lovely conversation with Danita at my nail salon.  She shared her story of meeting her husband of one year.  After a 15 year marriage she was single for 13 years.  She prayed that she would meet a nice Christian man and she did.  He noticed her on the train each morning and one day when her train buddies were not with her they struck up a conversation and immediately connected.

Danita isn’t the only one who has encouraged me to pray.  My dear friend Susie reminds me every day that I need to pour my heart out to God.   I did just that last night.  Mostly I prayed for patience.  A virtue I do not have.  My prayers have helped bring clarity to what I want and what I might do moving forward.

Boy do I have ideas!  Stay tuned and I’ll share what God has planned for me.

Monday’s are not a favorite of mine and today was no exception.  After a lonely 3 day weekend, I was in full depression mode when I woke up.  I cancelled my 9 am and went back to bed.  After an hour of tossing and turning and feeling guilty about the other meetings on my calendar I finally got up and dragged myself to work.  As I was getting on the elevator at the office I noticed a yellow slip of paper on the ground.  It said “Look for a message on Monday”.

Hmmm.  I’m always looking for signs and since I went to such a great effort to go to work, I immediately thought that message was meant just for me.

It was a pretty busy day filled with meetings and catching up with staff that I had not connected with in weeks.  Still, my mind kept wandering back to the note.  I thought about my home and the five showings on Sunday.  Maybe my realtor was working up an offer!  I texted her and she said she was in training all day but planned to follow up on all the showings.

So that got me stressing about my renovation project and wondering how I will pay for it without the equity from my home.  And then I started stressing about the color of the cuddle chair for my living room.  Do I really want sage?  I wish it came in navy blue.  And will the benches in my dining room be the same height as a chair?  I frantically texted my decorator who probably thinks I’m crazy.

Get back to work Julie.  You have a million messages to tend to.  One from LinkedIn is intriguing.  McDonalds is looking for a Government Relations Manager.  I read the qualifications and it sounds perfect.  And my brother can put in a good word for me.  Is this the message?  With two years to go till I get my government pension and health benefits for life, this can’t be it.  The timing is off.

So while I’m on LinkedIn I see a page full of suggested contacts and I take a few minutes to review suggested connections.  I see several several colleagues and associates that I am familiar with.  Then I see him.  LInkedIn thinks I should connect with an ex boyfriend from college.  It is tempting – He is still handsome and I understand from Facebook that he is single.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.  If he wants to contact me he can find me.

At 5:15 I call it quits for the day and head to Target for some dish soap and groceries.  Rick would be appalled to know there is a sink full of dirty dishes.  I pass a lady carrying a rolled up carpet that looks just like the pattern I picked out with my designer.   I make a mental note to share this information with my designer and then head to the grocery section looking for a rotisserie chicken and then it hits me.  WTF!  You are in Target, not a full service grocery store.

So I head home and pick up the mail.  Included is an envelope from my attorney.  This is it, I think.  I am finally getting the workman’s comp settlement and I can rest easy about the house selling.  Nope.  Just a request to fill out paperwork authorizing the workman’s comp attorneys to access Rick’s health records. Really?  It took you 23 weeks to ask?

Off to the grocery store I go because I really want chicken noodle soup and I need that rotisserie chicken.  The trip is uneventful – no “messages”.   While eating I watch the Bachelor.  That was a waste of an hour of my life.  After I eat I get a Facebook message from a dear friend  I met in Europe.  At first I think she has been hacked since I got a strange message earlier from another friend.  Turns out the message is legitimate and I learn that my friend is dealing with some serious stress in her life.

Maybe that is the message.  Maybe I need to get over myself.  Stop feeling sorry for myself.  Everyone is dealing with shit.  Lost jobs, unfair treatment, health problems.  Not that losing my husband isn’t way up there on the list of top stressors  – but it happened and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  My reality now is that I am a single empty nester.  I hate that.  I absolutely hate it.

So all day I have been searching for a message.  Something to make me feel as though I’m not losing my mind.  Something that will bring me hope.  The kind of hope that will help me spring out of bed at the sound of the alarm, ready to face my day regardless of what day it is.  If might take me a while.  After all, after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says “WTF”!

 

 

No one ever taught me how you are supposed to grieve or how to deal with the loss of a parent. It is a difficult topic to discuss so it’s easier just to avoid it.

Grief is defined as deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death. This definition seems too straightforward for me. Grief is different for everyone. No two people grieve in the exact same way and loss doesn’t affect people in the same way, even if they have lost the same person.

This is something I have especially struggled with. I tend to compare myself to those around me in situations where I don’t know how to react or respond, and grieving the loss of my dad qualifies as one of those situations. So not knowing how to deal with this loss, I compared myself to my family to get an idea of how I needed to be grieving this tremendous loss. That didn’t get me very far because we are all coping differently and in our separate ways.

So how am I grieving?

Well, my answer has changed slightly since I began seeing a therapist. Before starting therapy, I didn’t think I was really dealing with my grief at all. I wouldn’t bring up my dad very much because it made me too upset. I avoided thinking about the future because I didn’t want to imagine him not being here for it. I didn’t want to believe he was really gone, so I tried not to. I reflected on the good times I had with him through smiles and tears but for the most part I tried to keep myself busy (which is really difficult when you don’t have a full-time job btw) to avoid wallowing in my sadness and heartbreak.

I have always been my own harshest critic, and this process has been no different. I still don’t think I am grieving “well”, but with reassurance from my therapist, I am grieving the best way I can at this point. I haven’t turned to drugs or alcohol to drown my sorrows. I haven’t isolated myself from friends and family, I haven’t become suicidal or thought of harming myself in any way. Overall I am dealing with the grief in a pretty healthy way… so why do I feel like I’m not grieving properly? Probably because grief is so different for everyone and there is no way right way to do it.

Therapy has helped me to realize that just because I am doing well doesn’t mean I need to feel well. I still break down and cry when I think of my dad’s absence. The thought of him not walking me down the aisle someday is unbearable and it breaks my heart to know he won’t have the chance to be the awesome grandpa I imagined he would be. Milestones will be the hardest to deal with and his absence will always be felt the most in my best and worst moments. We will have to celebrate birthdays, graduations, and other accomplishments when celebrating is the last thing on our minds. As Rebecca Pearson said, “the happiest moments will also be a little sad.”

While I might always feel like I can be grieving differently or coping with this loss in a better way, I know I am doing the best I can.