Category: Uncategorized

Thankful

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday – well…it was.

As Thanksgiving 2017 approaches I wonder if I will feel the same celebrating without Rick.

In 1992, we started a 25 year tradition of hosting a big Turkey dinner for our families. Selfishly, it was a way for us to celebrate with both sides of the family. The two of us would get up at 5 am to stuff the largest turkey we could find and put it on the grill. The preparation actually began earlier in the week and I would usually experiment with a new side dish to try each year. As the kids got older, they helped also. Erik learned to make an awesome mashed potato casserole and homemade rolls and Annika helped by decorating and setting a beautiful table and she helped me test variations of a fall Sangria. The most special part of Thanksgiving for me was spending time with family. It was a day to kick back and eat, visit, laugh, and just enjoy each other’s company. The picture I picked for this post illustrates the laughter that was typical of our fun times as a family of four.

When I sold my dining room furniture in August, I knew that was the first step in accepting that my future Thanksgiving celebrations would be different. My family joked that I would be serving on TV trays but I knew that would not be the case. My mother in law graciously offered to host.

Nevertheless, with the help of my therapist and the blessing of my children, I have decided to spend the day in a different way. I am moving into a new home a couple days prior to the holiday and I will be taking the opportunity to spend some time focusing on myself. I will participate in the Chicago Turkey Trot 5K race with some friends followed by some post race adult beverages. After that, I will play it by ear. The planner in me is a bit terrified by this. Spontaneity is not my strong suit. I might watch some Netflix; I might unpack; I might have a good cry; I might do all of this or none of this. I suspect I will spend some time thinking about the new traditions I want to start on this special day, like hosting a “Friendsgiving” dinner party (first need to get a new dining room set) and using donations to support Share our Strength.

What is foremost on my mind this Thanksgiving is focusing on what I am thankful for:

A beautiful new home in Chicago close to my office.

My daughter Annika who has been there for me this summer, encouraging me and comforting me. She has been the best travel companion and roommate and we have had a blast comparing decorating plans for our new homes, watching “This is Us” together and sharing our fears and sorrows over wine.

My son Erik who inspires me every day with his courage and resilience. He has stepped up as the man of the house, looking out for me and worrying about me just like his dad did. He has had a million reasons to give up football and has stuck with it, excelling on the field and in the classroom.

A group of friends and family that have shown up just when I need them. Text messages; phone calls, cards, yoga, lifting weights in the early am, shopping, time at the lake, football games, dinners out, dinners in, house cleaning, running errands, a high school reunion where strangers welcomed me and became my friend, and wine. Life is just better with girlfriends and wine.

The skills and resources I have to succeed as a single woman. I vividly remember a sorority chapter meeting in my senior year where a sister stood up and eloquently shared with us how important it was to get our degree and to not be dependent on others. She shared her personal story of her mom suddenly being in a position of supporting her family on her own. I remember Rick telling me that he was attracted to my independence and how it had bothered him when a prior girlfriend had abandoned her friends and other interests to focus solely on their relationship. Until I was on my own, I took it for granted that I had the kind of skills and resources to succeed on my own. As I have read other widow’s stories I am struck by the overwhelming stories of hardship, family betrayal, loneliness and financial devastation. I am truly blessed that I have not had these types of challenges in the midst of my grief.

My husband Rick. I wish more than anything that I could have had one last hug and kiss. Instead, I am truly thankful to have loved and to have been loved by him for 27 years. Our joys outnumbered the sorrows and I have so many precious memories to hold dear.

It wasn’t hard to list the many blessings in my life, in fact there are many more. But doing so makes me pause. Is it normal to be happy and sad at the same time? Am I honoring my husband and his legacy sufficiently? Will I laugh again like I did in this picture? I know Rick would want me to laugh like that again. Until I do, I have much to smile about.

Is this Heaven?

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

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Rick’s favorite movie was Field of Dreams. I’d like to think it is because we saw it on our first date.  In my heart I know it had more to do with the story of Kevin Costner’s character meeting his father years after his father’s passing.  Rick was also a big fan of baseball.  He played in his younger days and even tried on his 1974 little league championship jacket about a year ago!

A couple of week’s after Rick passed, Annika and I drove to Ames, IA to move her out of her apartment.  On the way we visited the Field of Dreams ballpark and movie set in Dyers, Iowa.  And we have re-watched the movie many times.  And we cried, way more than Rick used to when he watched it.

I imagine Rick in heaven playing catch with his dad David, in the field of his dreams.

Our Love Story

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

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It all began in 1988 when Rick and I stood up in our mutual friends’ wedding. At the time, we were both dating other people but there was a connection nevertheless. Soon after the wedding, Rick called me…to get the phone number of a friend of mine. I was a bit disappointed even though I was dating someone at the time. By December of that year, my boyfriend and I had broken up and Rick called and asked me out. On our first date, we went to see Field of Dreams. I don’t remember much about our first date. We were both pretty shy and we continued to go out sporadically over the next 6 months. During the spring and summer, Rick did some remodeling at my condo. Unfortunately, that was about the only time I saw him. When he wasn’t working, he was busy playing softball or hanging out with his high school friends. The night he finished my kitchen remodel, I broke up with him.

Because we had many mutual friends, I would see Rick occasionally at parties or at the restaurant/bar that I worked at on weekends. Around January of 1990, 6 months after breaking up, Rick called me and asked me to go to Wisconsin for the weekend. I told him I was dating someone and we agreed that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. A couple of months later, my roommate and her boyfriend literally dragged me out of bed where I had been crying over the latest breakup with a guy name Doug. It was St. Patrick’s day and the three of us went downtown Chicago to have dinner. After that we went to our favorite Rush Street establishment, Hang Upps – a fun bar where they play current dance music upstairs and oldies (60s and 70s) downstairs. And yes, you guessed it. Rick was there.

From that night on, we were back together. Life was good – until it wasn’t. Once again, it seemed that Rick’s friends were more important. Although I was not happy with the situation, I didn’t want to break up with him. Since Rick and I didn’t have a commitment to date each other exclusively I decided that I was going to keep my options open and date other guys. Soon after, I started dating Scott, a guy I met at another friends wedding. Since he lived a couple of hours away, I was gone many weekends when Rick would call. My roommate started asking me what she was supposed to say when Rick called on the weekends. (this was pre-cell phone era).

In October of that year (1990) Rick and I and my roommate and her boyfriend planned a double date for Sweetest Day. I will never forget that night. Rick showed up with a dozen roses. I don’t know who was more shocked – my roommate MB or I. We had a great night and the next morning after the guys had left, MB shared with me that she had a dream that Rick and I got married. I can still remember the two of us giddy with laughter as neither of us could imagine that happening.

Well, obviously it happened. Rick and I fell in love that fall/winter. I remember him showering me with gifts at Christmas and we spent a romantic Valentines Day weekend in Galena Illinois at a fun place with a hot tub in the room. By spring, I was head over heels in love and I was ready for the next step.

I remember being on a business trip and telling my colleague Susie that I wanted to marry him. I shared with her that we had talked about it and that when I had asked him if he was going to propose, he said he was waiting for me to ask. She said something to the effect of, We’ll, you should ask him then! After giving this some thought, that is exactly what I did.

I won’t share ALL the details of my proposal, but I will say it did catch him off guard. He had to leave the room – just for a minute – and when he returned he said, yes, if that is what you want, yes.

That was June of 1991 and we married in March of 1992.

Fast forward to 2017 and 25 years of marriage.. a happy marriage, blessed with two wonderful children. After having many dreams that we were still dating, I shared with Rick my insecurities. I asked him if he would have eventually proposed if I had not. It took Rick a while to fully understand what I was asking. He could not believe that I was really doubting his love for me. I had a really hard time explaining to him that I felt cheated out of the proposal that I always dreamed about – even though it was my own impatience that led to my taking charge of the engagement. It was such a relief to share my insecurities with Rick, and we even talked about renewing our vows. (This made me think I would get that proposal after all!)

Considering our 25th anniversary was this year, it would have been perfect timing for the renewal of vows…However, I used our timeshare points for a mother/daughter trip to Spain to celebrate Annika’s graduation. And Rick was just getting back to a regular work schedule after 5 years of unemployment and sporadic work opportunities. It was a thought – but never happened.

After Rick died, I pulled out my journals from my younger days. I kept a journal through high school, college, and my 20’s all the way until my engagement. I had not read them since that time – in fact, I had them hidden for fear that someone would find them. There are some entries from college that I am not particularly proud of. Anyway, as I read the entries during 1989-91 it was SO amazing to read about the years Rick and I dated and fell in love. What struck me in particular were the entries leading up to our engagement. I wrote about two different guys that I had dated – Scott and Doug and how both of them told me I needed to be with Rick. WHAT????? Seriously -I do not recall these conversations with Doug or Scott but I wrote about it in my journal and obviously I said enough about Rick for them to understand he was the guy for me.

Two days after Rick passed away, a neighbor of mine who has a gift of communicating with the deceased contacted me to let me know that Rick had spoken to her. Although she has the abilities of a medium, it is not something she shares. She was worried that I would be freaked out by the contact. What Rick shared with her was this: He said, tell Julie that it was love at first sight. I always loved her smile and it was the best 27 years of my life. I have shared this message many times and every time I recall it, I melt in tears.

Rick, I am so sorry that both of us had such a hard time expressing our love for each other. Over the past couple of months, several friends have shared their observations of how you eyes lit up when you saw me. Just last week, my cousin shared with me how excited you were on our wedding day. I don’t know why I was so insecure to not see how much you loved me but now I do and I thank you for loving me and being such an amazing father to our children.

My hope is that you know how very much I loved you and that you know you are always in my heart. When we said “until death do us part”, I never imagined it would end so soon. Now I must wait until my time on earth ends to be reunited with you. Until then my love, I will see you in my dreams.