Less than one hour in the year 2017 and you would think I would be happy to bid farewell to the worst year of my life. Instead I am on the verge of a panic attack. I’ve been so focused on getting though Christmas that had not given New Years Eve much thought. Now, as the minutes tick away and 2018 gets near, I want to stop time. I want to hold on for dear life – like I might drown in my own tears if I let go. It is so strange but I feel like 2018 will mean he is really gone. It is so final. Of course he is really gone. I know that and no matter how much I focus on keeping busy, his absence is screaming at me everywhere I turn.
It wasn’t until I sat down to write that I recalled how New Years Eve was such a special night for Rick and I. After we were married we realized that we had seen each other every New Years going back to 1988. In fact, it was New Years eve 1988 when I met Rick for the first time. Rick stopped by my friend Sally’s house briefly. I cannot remember if he was alone or on his way to pick up his girlfriend. I cannot remember what Sally and I did that night. It was an uneventful encounter and I would not see Rick again until her wedding later that year, but I would see him at NYE 1989, 1990, 1991 and so on….till 2017. Although we didn’t share a kiss at midnight those first few years, I could always count on Rick saying “Merry New Year” just like Eddie Murphy.
I had planned to spend the evening with girlfriends – but that didn’t work out. I convinced Erik to stay in Chicago and he did. We went shopping and had a nice dinner. He wanted to go out and I did not so I encouraged him to go out with his friends.
It’s a good night to be in. Its so cold outside; there is plenty to watch on tv; and my wine bar is fully stocked. I should be able to see the fireworks at midnight from my bedroom window and in the morning I will see the sunrise over Lake Michigan. It is so different than the past 30 years. I don’t feel merry by any means but hopefully the new year will be.
Merry New Year.
