This week I traveled to Denver for work. I love Denver.
My last trip to Denver was February 2016. The Broncos had just won the Super Bowl and the city was in celebration mode. Rick joined me on my trip as we were hoping to move there. Rick was unemployed and was willing to move and start anew. He was contemplating a new career as an appraiser, home inspector or realtor. While in town we met with a realtor and began a preliminary search for our next home – the one where we would retire. We were encouraged by the lower taxes and lower cost of living. I had my eye on a house in Evergreen, a place in the foothills where we could vacation at home and where my commute would be easier than Chicago.
A month later I learned that I did not get the job I had hoped for. I was crushed and Rick was disappointed but very supportive of me. We started talking about a plan B. Perhaps we would stay in Illinois after all. We thought about building our dream home with an in-law suite for his mom. I would put up with my long commute to work for a few more years and then do consulting work until I could fully retire.
I hired a career coach to help me develop my plan for the future. Rick and I met with a realtor and started discussing what we needed to do to update our house to sell. A former employer of Rick’s was back in business and hired him. We took our first vacation without kids (since our honeymoon) and we started adjusting to the empty nest. We celebrated Annika’s college graduation with her boyfriends family and we celebrated Erik’s return to football after his back surgery. The future looked bright.
After Rick’s death, I proceeded with the plan to sell our home. It went on the market yesterday and as much as I love being in the city close to work and in a space that I am making my own, I am sad to be leaving the community where we spent 26 years.
I am also proceeding with my plan to retire from USDA when I am eligible. May 2020 will come fast and I look forward to taking on a new challenge. It has been a great place to work for 30 years and I am grateful for the wonderful opportunities I have have been fortunate to experience.
But the rest of our retirement plan is not to be. We won’t be spending winter months in Hawaii; we won’t be building a home. Rick won’t walk his daughter down the aisle someday and he won’t be buying his son a beer on his 21st birthday. He won’t hold his first grandchild in his arms. When I think of the wonderful memories our family has with Rick, I smile. When I think of the future that will never be, I am angry; I am sad; I am lonely. Most days it is hard for me to have faith and hope for a bright future.
Regardless, I AM formulating new plans for my future. I envision a time in my life when I will travel extensively and spend my days reading and writing. Before I retire I will take some creative writing classes and I will start researching the history of my new residence. I want to write a historical fiction novel with 3750 N Lake Shore Drive as the setting. I picture myself writing at a desk by the window of my new home, sipping coffee (or wine) while enjoying my view of Lake Michigan.
It won’t be the view of the mountains that I anticipated. But it will be beautiful.
