PlanS

I start each work day with a video call with my management team.  It’s been a great way to PLAN our day and to stay connected, particularly in the surreal year we have experienced. Apart. Alone.

Tomorrow when they ask me how I am, I will lie and say I am ok. We have business to conduct and I have a therapist and friends that I can call on for support.

When I spoke with my therapist last week I talked about my fear of being alone. I shared that I didn’t think I could find peace and happiness without being in a relationship. She suggested it’s a lie Satan is telling me and I don’t have to believe it. She referred me to a book called “Lies Women Believe”. This will be my next read.

So why would I be retiring when it will mean even more alone time?  Why not wait until I have someone to travel with?  Actually, why not wait till I can travel without fear of getting COVID. 

The truth is, I knew I was ready to leave USDA and it was part of my PLAN even before Rick died. Since his death I have struggled to concentrate and find satisfaction in my work so I have continued with my PLAN. Proceeding with my PLAN outweighs the fear I feel in taking this retirement journey all on my own.

To celebrate, I made a PLAN! Those that know me know that I am always planning something.  And when those plans fail, big or small, the disappointment I feel is painful and difficult for me to accept.

I planned a New Years Eve trip to Scottsdale to celebrate my retirement with my “boyfriend”.  I was going to ring in the New Year with a romantic evening followed by my first full day of retirement in a warm climate on vacation.

While this plan alleviated some of the anxiety I’ve been feeling about retiring, it’s as if I transferred that anxiety directly to my boyfriend.  

He shared with me the pressure he felt and how he regretted the decision to agree to my visit.  This led to a heart to heart about our goals for our relationship. We had just watched Pretty Woman and I couldn’t help but think about my desire to have someone rescue me just like Richard Gere rescues Julie Roberts. And of course I would rescue him right back, just like Julia.

The truth is – while I may need rescuing, he does not. And he is not in a position to rescue me in a way that I need. He thrives in his alone time while I do not.

We agreed that we are better off as friends. That anything more would mean I was settling for less than I really wanted. I cancelled my flight.

And today I cried.  I cried over losing Rick in a way that I didn’t do at his funeral.  I cried regret over the things I never achieved during my career.  I cried over my retirement PLAN not being what I had hoped for. I cried, again, over my fear of being alone.  A fear that doesn’t trump my desire to retire but a fear that has tempted me once again to settle for less than I want in life. 

Thankfully I serve a God that will not let me settle.  He has a plan for me ~ a PLAN where I will prosper and not fail. A PLAN of hope and a future.