Author: Julie

I start each work day with a video call with my management team.  It’s been a great way to PLAN our day and to stay connected, particularly in the surreal year we have experienced. Apart. Alone.

Tomorrow when they ask me how I am, I will lie and say I am ok. We have business to conduct and I have a therapist and friends that I can call on for support.

When I spoke with my therapist last week I talked about my fear of being alone. I shared that I didn’t think I could find peace and happiness without being in a relationship. She suggested it’s a lie Satan is telling me and I don’t have to believe it. She referred me to a book called “Lies Women Believe”. This will be my next read.

So why would I be retiring when it will mean even more alone time?  Why not wait until I have someone to travel with?  Actually, why not wait till I can travel without fear of getting COVID. 

The truth is, I knew I was ready to leave USDA and it was part of my PLAN even before Rick died. Since his death I have struggled to concentrate and find satisfaction in my work so I have continued with my PLAN. Proceeding with my PLAN outweighs the fear I feel in taking this retirement journey all on my own.

To celebrate, I made a PLAN! Those that know me know that I am always planning something.  And when those plans fail, big or small, the disappointment I feel is painful and difficult for me to accept.

I planned a New Years Eve trip to Scottsdale to celebrate my retirement with my “boyfriend”.  I was going to ring in the New Year with a romantic evening followed by my first full day of retirement in a warm climate on vacation.

While this plan alleviated some of the anxiety I’ve been feeling about retiring, it’s as if I transferred that anxiety directly to my boyfriend.  

He shared with me the pressure he felt and how he regretted the decision to agree to my visit.  This led to a heart to heart about our goals for our relationship. We had just watched Pretty Woman and I couldn’t help but think about my desire to have someone rescue me just like Richard Gere rescues Julie Roberts. And of course I would rescue him right back, just like Julia.

The truth is – while I may need rescuing, he does not. And he is not in a position to rescue me in a way that I need. He thrives in his alone time while I do not.

We agreed that we are better off as friends. That anything more would mean I was settling for less than I really wanted. I cancelled my flight.

And today I cried.  I cried over losing Rick in a way that I didn’t do at his funeral.  I cried regret over the things I never achieved during my career.  I cried over my retirement PLAN not being what I had hoped for. I cried, again, over my fear of being alone.  A fear that doesn’t trump my desire to retire but a fear that has tempted me once again to settle for less than I want in life. 

Thankfully I serve a God that will not let me settle.  He has a plan for me ~ a PLAN where I will prosper and not fail. A PLAN of hope and a future.

You are wonderfully made, like no other,
Like the perfect gift, or a hard won prize. 

Pure and unblemished 
Perfect in every way.
Cherished, like no other.

Innocent and curious,
Kind and giving,
Playful and glowing,
Like no other.

Love yourself as I love you,
I love you like no other.
My love is all that matters,
Receive it like no other.

Nothing pleases me more
than seeing your confidence 
matched by my pride. 
The joy of success,
the gratuitous calm, 
contentment and peace.

Your strength, your grace,
your quest for justice,
your diligence and your purpose
is like no other.

Love yourself as I love you,
a love with no bounds.
My love is all that matters;
Receive it like no other.

Others may not notice ~
it really does not matter!
No need for fanfare
or flowery words;
Your affirmation is found in the mirror.

See yourself as does your Maker:
A masterpiece to admire

You are wonderfully made, like no other.

by Julie Mikkelson

I WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED

Like Angelica Skylar, I sometimes think I will never be Satisfied.   

I fantasize about walking into my therapist’s office and hearing her say, “Congratulations!  You don’t need me anymore!  There is nothing else I can do to help you.”   

I think about falling in love again.  

I dream of a retirement with a beautiful lake home where life is carefree and filled with hobbies and vacations and grandchildren.  

I continue to work toward building a non-profit that will nourish the hungry and honor Rick’s life.  

Will these things bring me satisfaction?

I’ve reflected on this for months, experiencing writer’s block every time I sit down to put my thoughts to paper.  Every time I start writing I feel as though I’m repeating past rants brought on by my recurring grief.  I feel like I haven’t figured things out yet and I feel angry and sad and ashamed and unsatisfied.

I know I’m not alone in feeling the effects of the Covid pandemic.  While I’ve been fortunate to still have good health and meaningful work, the isolation and fear have been crippling. I experienced a nonCovid health scare; There have been setbacks with selling my home; I’ve lost money in purchasing a new home; I’ve experienced disappointments in relationships…The list is long.

It’s been hard to stay positive. The challenges have exacerbated the void I feel without Rick by my side.

LIke previous posts, I was driven to finish writing this post when I hit a low point this week. As I faced something unimaginable, I prayed and spent extra time in devotion.  I read something in Jesus Calling that really resonated with me.  

Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world. Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties. The main problem with an easy life is that it masks your need for ME. When you became a Christian, I infused my very life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by depending on ME.

Anticipate coming face to face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade.  It is precisely where I want you – the best place to encounter ME in MY Glory and Power.  When you see armies of problems marching toward you, cry out to ME!  Allow ME to fight for you.  Watch ME working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of MY ALMIGHTY Presence.

I admit that I’ve been wanting life to be easy.  But even in better times, it was never easy. 

So my focus will be to continue to lean on my Savior, placing my trust in HIM and praising HIM for the many blessings in my life. 

Like Eliza Skylar, (Angelica’s sister and a fellow widow) I have “time to tell my story.”   I intend for it to be a story filled with hope, peace and love.  Then I will be satisfied.  

Learning to be comfortable being single has been a challenge for me. Being single during the COVID pandemic has certainly added an element of difficulty to that challenge.

Although I promised myself I would forget the dating apps and work on myself, I quickly abandoned that idea. I figured I could use this time in isolation to set my location to Iowa, where I plan to eventually settle. With social distancing, I could join in on the Zoom craze and focus on virtual interactions.

That has been positive to a degree. I have had some great conversations getting to know men without the pressure of looking good and thinking about physical chemistry – kind of like the show Love is Blind. And in a couple of cases I could tell right away that my match did not share the same values as me. Given my heavy workload, efficiency in dating is a good thing.

Once again I convinced myself that dating apps might be the answer to what I am looking for. I refused to listen to girlfriends who warned me. And of course they were right. It didn’t take long to be bombarded by the catfish. Even as I skillfully hit delete, the annoyance of it all ate away at me. Soon, the feelings of inadequacy came flooding back. Actually, they had never left.

Last weekend I took a short break from all technology – no TV, computer, texting, or social media. I even pressed pause on the digital scrabble game I play – a game that will always connect me to my dear Rick. Instead, I made cards, wrote letters, listened to music and podcasts, exercised, napped, and read books. And I prayed.

I prayed for the courage to truly surrender my desires to my Heavenly Father. To place complete trust in his plan for my life.

I looked back at some previous blog entries last night and felt ashamed that I am still struggling to release this burden. I thought about my request to Walter that he take the lead in our relationship and how I quickly abandoned that request and settled for and accepted what little he had to offer in our relationship.

I know I don’t need a man to take care of me. But it would be nice to have someone that wants to.

I suppose I have justified my actions to find love as being just another goal I am pursuing. Right along with my goals to launch MakeTym and to find a lake home. A good friend talked to me about releasing expectations. That was an aha moment. I need to understand the difference between goals and expectations. How does the prayer go?

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change…
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

I’ve seen this prayer so many times. Now it’s time to REALLY pray it.

I had a dream the other night that I was going to prom. Walter was my date but he was somewhere far away. I was with two of my sorority sisters who were trying to keep me calm and I was on the phone with my son who was trying to figure out a way to drive me to Walter’s location.

Recently I read the book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottlieb. I’ve been reading a lot of books, mostly self-help books. This one was different in that it read like a novel. The stories of real life clients in therapy, including the author (a therapist) resonated with me. I couldn’t put it down and like all good books that I read, I sacrificed sleep until I had finished.

I first read the book in electronic format and with every aha moment I took furious notes in my journal. As soon as I finished it I purchased a second copy, this time in hard cover so I could easily reference it and write in the margins.

The biggest take away from this book was the author’s realization from her own therapy that she was grieving something bigger. A break up with her fiancee brought her to therapy but it opened her eyes to a greater fear that she had suppressed.

As for me, losing Rick is what brought me to therapy. After 2 years I visited my therapist less often, feeling well on my way to a path of recovery, or at least in a better place of being able to cope.

Then came the devastation of being rejected by someone I loved. Back to therapy I went – this time with a new therapist, some new resources including the aforementioned book, and a renewed commitment to follow Jesus and to seek his direction in my life.

So what could I be grieving that is bigger than the death of my life partner? That’s big enough, right? Rick’s death and Walter’s betrayal triggered my fear of being alone. I’m processing feelings of not being worthy of someone else’s love. I’ve been suppressing this for most of my life.

Like my sadness in not being invited to prom when I was in high school. And my regret that I didn’t get the marriage proposal of my dreams because I couldn’t wait for Rick to propose to me and proposed to him instead. When Rick was alive I used to have dreams that we were still dating and I was still waiting for that big proposal.

Therapy is helping me realize that I’m not very good at processing my emotions.

Since then, other self help books sit on my nightstand and I am only able to digest them in small bits. They are not as entertaining and compelling as “You Should Talk to Someone”. I think that what I have been reading so far has helped me diagnose and understand the feelings I have been avoiding. What I need now is direction so I can address my anger, my fears and my shame.

The next book on my reading list is the Bible.

Before going on vacation, my therapist gave me two assignments. 1, Read Co-Dependent No More, and 2, Reflect on who I am without a partner.

While away, I took 7 flights, 3 high speed trains, and multiple subway, lyft, didi, taxi, bus and shuttle rides. Plenty of time to reflect.

I’ll start with the book. As I read I couldn’t figure out why this book was recommended for me. Many co-dependents are the enablers of an alcoholic. Many co-dependents are responding to some kind of trauma from childhood. This is not me. Why did my therapist think I should read this book? As I read further It became clearer.

I’m afraid to be by myself. I believe I am unloveable. I am afraid of rejection. I (mostly) seek validation from others. My need for acceptance is so great that I often lower my expectations and settle for less than I truly want. In fact, I don’t even know what I truly want. I find my worthiness in what I do for others. I’m not able to ask for what I need.

Before I even read the book, I asked Judy what I needed to do to fix my issues. She said the book would give me some ideas. And it did. Most notable are the 12 Steps used for recovery from alcoholism. While my recovery is not from alcohol abuse, the steps are still useful. In general the steps are about learning to love myself.

Acceptance is the first step. As a woman of faith, I believe I am made in the image of God. So I was ashamed when I realized just how little love I have for myself. I didn’t think it was possible for humility and self love to co-exist.

But 12 steps aside, the question for me still exists. How do I learn to love myself.? How do I get rid of the shame, the guilt, and the anger? And as long as I’m writing out my wish list, I wish for the process to be easy and quick.

I believe the answer is in my Savior. Through prayer and meditation, I will learn to surrender my fears to HIM. His grace has always been there. I just need to accept it. I’m taking steps to get there. I’m seeking pastoral counseling; I have joined the church I’ve been attending for 2 years; I’m planning to be baptized. I will use my writing to give testimony to the truth in God’s word. I’m learning to pray more regularly and to have a deeper relationship with Jesus.

I’ve been resisting. I’ve been afraid of giving up control. I thought I needed a partner to feel whole and I refused to believe that I could find love without the aid of dating apps. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve the kind of love and commitment that I craved – that Rick was the only man that would find me worthy. I settled in a relationship with someone who had different goals than me.

On to the second assignment. If I had done this one first I may have been less resistant to the truths revealed to me in the book. Regardless, I realize now that I was looking for a relationship to complete me. As I examined what I am without a relationship, my list was filled with negatives: unlovable, sad, pitiful, boring, lonely, insecure, afraid. Even though good friends advised me to work on me before pursuing love again, I resisted, thinking I had that covered. It’s been hard for me to admit how much I loath myself. It’s taken me weeks to write this and to hit the publish button.

I’ve been putting on my brave face for the world and clinging to others’ encouraging words for validation. You are so brave. You deserve the best. You are amazing. I tried so hard to believe it.

I’m still trying. Lord, hear my prayer.

It’s my last full day of vacation and I woke up not ready to face the day. I skipped breakfast and snoozed for another hour. You would think it was a work day and not another day in paradise. Once up, I headed to the beach, covered up to protect myself from more sunburn. I spent time reflecting and journaling.

At lunch, I picked a pizza place thinking a calzone sounded good. But then I considered a burger and then thought about all the authentic Thai food to choose from. Francine asked what I wanted to do today and I had no idea. I didn’t want to be in the sun; it was probably to late to book a tour; I didn’t need to do any more shopping. Crap, I can’t even decide what to eat for lunch.

I returned to the room, not wanting to waste my day in paradise but paralyzed in a state of indecision. I came on this trip with expectations of healing and right now I feel as broken as ever and crave the comfort of home.

I start asking myself, why can I make major decisions with ease and the simple ones throw me into a tailspin? Is this part of not knowing what I truly want in life? Is it related to my inability to ask others for help or a preference to have a partner that will make decisions for the both of us so I don’t have to. And being the control freak I am, I know that I don’t truly want that. Maybe what I want is someone in my life that knows me enough to carry me when I can’t do it alone. I want the confidence to say what I want and that starts with knowing what I want.

I continued to reflect on my self doubt and my quest to forgive and love myself. I prayed for confidence, for patience, for trust, and for the ability to surrender control. I pray that I can open my heart to others that are trying to help me if I will just let them.

Meanwhile, what did I do today? I listened to last Sunday’s sermon from church; I napped; I found a shady spot by the rooftop pool bar and I ate, drank and wrote. Writing has been my lifeline since Rick died and on a day in paradise when my choices were unlimited, I chose to write. And it was a great decision.

At work today I was asked about my plans for New Years Eve. When I shared that I would be alone, colleagues expressed the joys of having alone time. Yes, alone time is good but not when you are lonely.

As I left work, I was fighting back the tears thinking of how much I miss both Rick and Walter. I stopped at Mariano’s and bought myself some flowers, my favorite wine and some of my favorite snacks. At home, I pick out some romantic comedy’s on Netflix that will make it impossible to fight the tears much longer.

And I write. It’s my lifeline when I have time and it’ a healthy outlet to process the myriad of emotions I feel. Although I am drinking that bottle of wine – a less healthy outlet. Do the two cancel each other out? Speaking of writing…I can’t wait to fill the writing prompt journal that I got for Christmas. Thanks Hannah!

I’ve done a lot of reading*, journaling and reflecting since the break-up. My therapist and my friends have given me a lot to think about. And since it’s the time of year for resolutions, I might as well write about my goals for 2020; an evolution of Julie v. 2.

1. Deal with my fear of being alone
2. Read more
3. Launch Make Them Yummy Meals
4. Travel to Asia
5. Write
6. Establish better boundaries
7. Buy a lake home
8. Dance at my daughter’s wedding
9. Continue working on my health goals
10. Keep my Christmas tree up all year – because it brings me such joy

Ten goals are a good and realistic number to focus on. There is one big one that I am keeping a secret for now. Some of them will be harder than others – obviously! Mostly I will focus on the first goal. A year from now I want to embrace being alone and not be afraid of it.

As I look at my friend Francine’s New Year’s post (she is 12 hours ahead), I think she summed it up well. She says, “Visit new places, take a new road on your journey, talk to new people, open your heart to those who need a little kindness, leave the anger and fear in the past and breathe in gratitude for the New Year! There is always a new day to see the sunshine and be the change you wish to see with a smile! Namaste”.

Francine is one of my mentors and closest friends. She has experienced a lot of adversity in life and her integrity, courage and strength inspire me as I work on loving myself. We met on a Girl Scout trip in Europe in 2012. In 2020, Julie version 2 and Francine will be taking on Asia and I just know it will be the trip of a lifetime.

The flowers look beautiful in my kitchen; the wine and snacks are mostly gone; I had a good healing ugly cry and spent the last few hours of 2019 tucked in my cozy bed alone with my dreams of the future.

May the new year bring a new happy.

*I highly recommend “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottileb

A couple of weeks ago I attended a special worship opportunity at Trinity. It was called Prescense and it was about seeking the Holy Spirit. I asked for prayers of affirmation. I talked about the void I felt since Rick’s death and the broken relationships that followed. One prayer that really resonated with me was a prayer for God to speak to me in my dreams. I went home and wrote in my journal:

“Dear Julie, Stop trying to fix others. You have enough to fix about yourself. And while you are at it, don’t hold grudges. Air your grievances and then let it go. It’s not about you anyway.”

That night I didn’t sleep, waiting for God to speak to me, not realizing he already had.

At the time I had a certain relationship on my mind. I realized that I wanted that person to change – I wanted her to go to therapy so she could love me that way I needed her to. I wanted her to fix the hurt in her life so she would stop hurting me. I set up boundaries to protect myself from the judgment and pain. I miss her.

God was preparing me for an even bigger hurt. A finale to 8 months of falling in love. Two days later I learned that my boyfriend was dating other women.

I was blindsided. My prayer was for affirmation and what I got was rejection. Is this what an unanswered prayer is?

Some amazing girlfriends lifted me up and advised me to take time to think about how to handle the betrayal. I thought about how he might react and wondered if he would be honest with me. I reflected on prior conversatoins, looking for clues, looking for answers.

I didn’t want to let him go and started thinking of ways I could fix the relationship. Honestly, I wanted to fix him…I certainly didn’t need to change!

I decided to cut things off abruptly. I didn’t trust myself to hear his explanation. I realized he might not have any remorse and I knew that would add more salt to my wounds.

So now I work on me. I continue to pray for affirmation. But I realize now that affirmation needs to come from within and not from a relationship. Thank you God for hearing my prayer.