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Not to diminish the lessons from kindergarten and other formal education settings, the experiences and life lessons I gained while working at the USDA Food and Nutrition Service (FNS) are priceless.  

33 years, 3 months and 3 days ago I arrived for my first day on the job as a GS 7 thinking my 16 years of education had fully prepared me for a career in government service. That naive 23-year-old had so much to learn! 

One of the first things I learned was how to type and how to use a computer. In 1987, we only had typewriters but soon got word processors and finally computers. This was all shared equipment, of course.  We even shared phone lines but the phones were not rotary dial phones. I remember preparing for Y2K and the fear that our systems would all crash on January 1, 2000!  And it has been amazing to see how email and the internet have influenced our work life. 

In my early years I worked in Child Nutrition, focusing on community programs. After an “automatic” promotion to grade 9, I competed for a promotion to grade 11 and then grade 12 where I had supervisory responsibility as a team lead. I fondly remember daily technical assistance calls with state colleagues who became my earliest work mentors. Their challenging questions and their insight into local operations helped me build expertise in CACFP which led to many opportunities to train and speak in front of national audiences. During this time I helped develop the guidance documents “Summertime Snacks” and “What’s in a Meal?” that became widely used around the country. These were the days before Team Nutrition and the amazing resources they now provide. 

My early days also included participation in Toastmasters, a popular mid-level management course in Lancaster, PA, and participating in and graduating from the second cohort of the Leadership Institute (LI).  While in the LI, I had a temporary assignment in our Financial Management (FM) office and I coordinated a training conference for our Child Nutrition State partners covering guidance on reporting, audits, procurement and other FM topics. I maintained close ties with the LI serving as a mentor to several future participants and also as a learning coach. My final project included an exploration of on-line training options which were non-existent in the late 90’s and essentially turned out to be sharing files on a CD rom!  

Next up was an opportunity to move from a team lead position to a supervisor. After applying for a GS13 seven different times, I finally landed the promotion I was hoping for. (Ironically, one of the jobs I didn’t qualify for was the regional nutritionist job. Although I had a degree in nutrition, I didn’t have the exact credentials needed.)

Over the next two years I proudly carried a badge and supervised 12 investigators covering a 20 state territory. I received some of the best training of my career at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center in Glynco, Georgia.  My children were quite young at the time and they were dismayed to learn that their mom learned how to tell if someone is lying! On a happier note, this was during a time when Rick was a stay at home dad and he and the kids joined me on several business trips. With my 50 mile commute, this extra family time was especially nice. I started thinking about ways I could improve my work life balance and dreamed of working as an administrative review officer. This was the only position in the agency that had a work from home option. I even considered law school to increase my chances.

Instead, I responded to an opportunity to become the WIC Director. Here I learned about the challenge of funding a grant program, the most unique feature that separates WIC from the rest of FNS’ 14 other nutrition assistance programs. I became a breastfeeding advocate and I finally worked in the one program I had learned about in college. While in WIC, I witnessed Michigan’s early adoption of EBT in WIC and showcased Illinois’ food centers when our administrator and other political officials came to town. 

During this time, I wrote my first set of Executive Qualifications (ECQs) to apply for a Senior Executive Service (SES) position in Denver. The position didn’t get filled but I was thrilled to learn that I made the qualifications list as a GS 14.  

I still dreamed of working from home and when I was turned down for an administrative review officer job, I remember crying to my mentor and telling her that I just wanted to have breakfast with my kids!  With her encouragement, I figured out a way to flex my schedule so I could see them off to school and work late. Of course, my supportive husband Rick helped make this possible. We made a great team.

After 4 years in WIC, our RA asked me to take a lateral position in Special Nutrition. My experience in Community Nutrition served me well and I quickly learned all about School Lunch and the Food Distribution Programs. I arrived at the heels of nutrient standard menu planning and helped lead the most significant meal pattern changes in the history of the National School Lunch Program. We prepared schools with a national recognition program called the Healthier U.S. School Challenge and it was a time of intense travel as we visited schools to recognize their valiant efforts to improve the health of millions of school children. I also did a lot of work to promote School Breakfast and I fondly remember convincing Indiana’s State Superintendent to amend his instructional policies to allow for breakfast in the classroom. This was a huge win.

It was around this time that I applied for a Senior Executive Candidate Development Program at USDA. At the time, FNS was only allotted 5 spots and I got cut in the third of the 5 stages in the process. I later applied for an RA position in Boston which I did not get selected for.

During my SNP director years (Part 1), I also worked with the Indian Tribal Organizations and learned a lot about Indian culture and the FDPIR.  When the administration started its plan to improve the nutritional quality of the food package, including the proposed removal of butter without consulting tribal leadership, an enormous controversy followed. The tribal members felt disrespected and it was one of many lessons learned. 

Eight years ago, the regions reorganized and WIC merged with Child Nutrition and Food Distribution. I was promoted to the SNP Director position (this is Part 2) and the scope of my responsibilities expanded. I continued to travel a lot and my WIC background came in handy especially during the 3-week shutdown in 2013. I remember daily calls with our WIC State Health Departments and our national policy officials as we calculated how many more days we could fund the program. Another highlight during this time was the challenge of growing the Summer Meals program. I visited park parties where I was interviewed on live TV and I read to goats at a mobile read and feed site. I also met sports celebrities at hunger fundraisers and I enjoyed post conference concerts at the annual NSLP conferences. There were lots of great perks to balance the challenging work.

While in SNP, I had the privilege of attending a four-week development program at the Federal Executive Institute (FEI). This challenged me in new ways and I worked with the most amazing team. It has been nice staying in touch with these dear friends and mentors. It was around this time that I gave up on my SES dream and started planning for a 2020 retirement and a consulting business. My husband Rick passed in a tragic work accident 2 years later, changing the course of my retirement plan.

Shortly after my FEI experience, I had the opportunity to fill in for 3 months at our WRO office. This offered another great growth experience and the chance to get to know more of my FNS colleague better. Living and working in San Francisco was one of my favorite experiences at FNS. Other special assignments included 2 years as an EEO Counselor and working on customer experience initiatives.

And then there was SNAP. My last 2 years have brought me full circle, being able to work in all FNS program areas. SNAP is certainly the most complicated and challenging of them all and I am so grateful to my team for embracing me and patiently helping me in my transition as their director. My success in SNAP would not have been possible without the incredible expertise of our MWRO SNAP team.  

While in SNAP I’ve been able to build on my vision for a non-profit food ministry that will allow me to tap into my food assistance experiences at USDA while also honoring the life of my late husband Rick. He lived by the motto “Make Tym”, always making time for his family. Make Them Yummy Meals will be our legacy. 

Who knew that I would end my career finally working at home full time!? Responding to a global health pandemic by launching new programs like pandemic EBT and approving waivers, rule adjustments and emergency allotments has been exhausting, but so rewarding. And then we experienced a derecho, a kind of storm I had never heard of before. This led to another new experience for me – operating a disaster SNAP program in Iowa, the newest state in our region and my future home state.   

I served under the Reagan administration, both Bush administrations, Clinton, Obama and Trump. So many training and work experiences and diversity and inclusion workshops have helped shape my political views and opened my eyes to oppression and poverty in our world. I witnessed firsthand what hunger and malnutrition look like. I learned from advocates and I have heard stories that made me sad and stories that brought me joy. 

As a supervisor I floundered and I thrived. I’m grateful for the grace I received along the way as I learned better ways to ensure accountability and to provide meaningful feedback to my direct reports.

 
I have worked with and learned from so many smart, selfless and hard-working civil servants. I’m truly in awe of the talent that I have been surrounded by during the past 33 years. I’ve had the best mentors and some wonderful bosses. Interestingly, every one of my supervisors has been male and nearly all of my mentors have been female.  

It’s been the greatest honor to serve and LEARN at the Food and Nutrition Service. Thanks for the many lessons, FNS!

I start each work day with a video call with my management team.  It’s been a great way to PLAN our day and to stay connected, particularly in the surreal year we have experienced. Apart. Alone.

Tomorrow when they ask me how I am, I will lie and say I am ok. We have business to conduct and I have a therapist and friends that I can call on for support.

When I spoke with my therapist last week I talked about my fear of being alone. I shared that I didn’t think I could find peace and happiness without being in a relationship. She suggested it’s a lie Satan is telling me and I don’t have to believe it. She referred me to a book called “Lies Women Believe”. This will be my next read.

So why would I be retiring when it will mean even more alone time?  Why not wait until I have someone to travel with?  Actually, why not wait till I can travel without fear of getting COVID. 

The truth is, I knew I was ready to leave USDA and it was part of my PLAN even before Rick died. Since his death I have struggled to concentrate and find satisfaction in my work so I have continued with my PLAN. Proceeding with my PLAN outweighs the fear I feel in taking this retirement journey all on my own.

To celebrate, I made a PLAN! Those that know me know that I am always planning something.  And when those plans fail, big or small, the disappointment I feel is painful and difficult for me to accept.

I planned a New Years Eve trip to Scottsdale to celebrate my retirement with my “boyfriend”.  I was going to ring in the New Year with a romantic evening followed by my first full day of retirement in a warm climate on vacation.

While this plan alleviated some of the anxiety I’ve been feeling about retiring, it’s as if I transferred that anxiety directly to my boyfriend.  

He shared with me the pressure he felt and how he regretted the decision to agree to my visit.  This led to a heart to heart about our goals for our relationship. We had just watched Pretty Woman and I couldn’t help but think about my desire to have someone rescue me just like Richard Gere rescues Julie Roberts. And of course I would rescue him right back, just like Julia.

The truth is – while I may need rescuing, he does not. And he is not in a position to rescue me in a way that I need. He thrives in his alone time while I do not.

We agreed that we are better off as friends. That anything more would mean I was settling for less than I really wanted. I cancelled my flight.

And today I cried.  I cried over losing Rick in a way that I didn’t do at his funeral.  I cried regret over the things I never achieved during my career.  I cried over my retirement PLAN not being what I had hoped for. I cried, again, over my fear of being alone.  A fear that doesn’t trump my desire to retire but a fear that has tempted me once again to settle for less than I want in life. 

Thankfully I serve a God that will not let me settle.  He has a plan for me ~ a PLAN where I will prosper and not fail. A PLAN of hope and a future.

You are wonderfully made, like no other,
Like the perfect gift, or a hard won prize. 

Pure and unblemished 
Perfect in every way.
Cherished, like no other.

Innocent and curious,
Kind and giving,
Playful and glowing,
Like no other.

Love yourself as I love you,
I love you like no other.
My love is all that matters,
Receive it like no other.

Nothing pleases me more
than seeing your confidence 
matched by my pride. 
The joy of success,
the gratuitous calm, 
contentment and peace.

Your strength, your grace,
your quest for justice,
your diligence and your purpose
is like no other.

Love yourself as I love you,
a love with no bounds.
My love is all that matters;
Receive it like no other.

Others may not notice ~
it really does not matter!
No need for fanfare
or flowery words;
Your affirmation is found in the mirror.

See yourself as does your Maker:
A masterpiece to admire

You are wonderfully made, like no other.

by Julie Mikkelson

I WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED

Like Angelica Skylar, I sometimes think I will never be Satisfied.   

I fantasize about walking into my therapist’s office and hearing her say, “Congratulations!  You don’t need me anymore!  There is nothing else I can do to help you.”   

I think about falling in love again.  

I dream of a retirement with a beautiful lake home where life is carefree and filled with hobbies and vacations and grandchildren.  

I continue to work toward building a non-profit that will nourish the hungry and honor Rick’s life.  

Will these things bring me satisfaction?

I’ve reflected on this for months, experiencing writer’s block every time I sit down to put my thoughts to paper.  Every time I start writing I feel as though I’m repeating past rants brought on by my recurring grief.  I feel like I haven’t figured things out yet and I feel angry and sad and ashamed and unsatisfied.

I know I’m not alone in feeling the effects of the Covid pandemic.  While I’ve been fortunate to still have good health and meaningful work, the isolation and fear have been crippling. I experienced a nonCovid health scare; There have been setbacks with selling my home; I’ve lost money in purchasing a new home; I’ve experienced disappointments in relationships…The list is long.

It’s been hard to stay positive. The challenges have exacerbated the void I feel without Rick by my side.

LIke previous posts, I was driven to finish writing this post when I hit a low point this week. As I faced something unimaginable, I prayed and spent extra time in devotion.  I read something in Jesus Calling that really resonated with me.  

Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world. Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties. The main problem with an easy life is that it masks your need for ME. When you became a Christian, I infused my very life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by depending on ME.

Anticipate coming face to face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade.  It is precisely where I want you – the best place to encounter ME in MY Glory and Power.  When you see armies of problems marching toward you, cry out to ME!  Allow ME to fight for you.  Watch ME working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of MY ALMIGHTY Presence.

I admit that I’ve been wanting life to be easy.  But even in better times, it was never easy. 

So my focus will be to continue to lean on my Savior, placing my trust in HIM and praising HIM for the many blessings in my life. 

Like Eliza Skylar, (Angelica’s sister and a fellow widow) I have “time to tell my story.”   I intend for it to be a story filled with hope, peace and love.  Then I will be satisfied.  

Learning to be comfortable being single has been a challenge for me. Being single during the COVID pandemic has certainly added an element of difficulty to that challenge.

Although I promised myself I would forget the dating apps and work on myself, I quickly abandoned that idea. I figured I could use this time in isolation to set my location to Iowa, where I plan to eventually settle. With social distancing, I could join in on the Zoom craze and focus on virtual interactions.

That has been positive to a degree. I have had some great conversations getting to know men without the pressure of looking good and thinking about physical chemistry – kind of like the show Love is Blind. And in a couple of cases I could tell right away that my match did not share the same values as me. Given my heavy workload, efficiency in dating is a good thing.

Once again I convinced myself that dating apps might be the answer to what I am looking for. I refused to listen to girlfriends who warned me. And of course they were right. It didn’t take long to be bombarded by the catfish. Even as I skillfully hit delete, the annoyance of it all ate away at me. Soon, the feelings of inadequacy came flooding back. Actually, they had never left.

Last weekend I took a short break from all technology – no TV, computer, texting, or social media. I even pressed pause on the digital scrabble game I play – a game that will always connect me to my dear Rick. Instead, I made cards, wrote letters, listened to music and podcasts, exercised, napped, and read books. And I prayed.

I prayed for the courage to truly surrender my desires to my Heavenly Father. To place complete trust in his plan for my life.

I looked back at some previous blog entries last night and felt ashamed that I am still struggling to release this burden. I thought about my request to Walter that he take the lead in our relationship and how I quickly abandoned that request and settled for and accepted what little he had to offer in our relationship.

I know I don’t need a man to take care of me. But it would be nice to have someone that wants to.

I suppose I have justified my actions to find love as being just another goal I am pursuing. Right along with my goals to launch MakeTym and to find a lake home. A good friend talked to me about releasing expectations. That was an aha moment. I need to understand the difference between goals and expectations. How does the prayer go?

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change…
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

I’ve seen this prayer so many times. Now it’s time to REALLY pray it.

I had a dream the other night that I was going to prom. Walter was my date but he was somewhere far away. I was with two of my sorority sisters who were trying to keep me calm and I was on the phone with my son who was trying to figure out a way to drive me to Walter’s location.

Recently I read the book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottlieb. I’ve been reading a lot of books, mostly self-help books. This one was different in that it read like a novel. The stories of real life clients in therapy, including the author (a therapist) resonated with me. I couldn’t put it down and like all good books that I read, I sacrificed sleep until I had finished.

I first read the book in electronic format and with every aha moment I took furious notes in my journal. As soon as I finished it I purchased a second copy, this time in hard cover so I could easily reference it and write in the margins.

The biggest take away from this book was the author’s realization from her own therapy that she was grieving something bigger. A break up with her fiancee brought her to therapy but it opened her eyes to a greater fear that she had suppressed.

As for me, losing Rick is what brought me to therapy. After 2 years I visited my therapist less often, feeling well on my way to a path of recovery, or at least in a better place of being able to cope.

Then came the devastation of being rejected by someone I loved. Back to therapy I went – this time with a new therapist, some new resources including the aforementioned book, and a renewed commitment to follow Jesus and to seek his direction in my life.

So what could I be grieving that is bigger than the death of my life partner? That’s big enough, right? Rick’s death and Walter’s betrayal triggered my fear of being alone. I’m processing feelings of not being worthy of someone else’s love. I’ve been suppressing this for most of my life.

Like my sadness in not being invited to prom when I was in high school. And my regret that I didn’t get the marriage proposal of my dreams because I couldn’t wait for Rick to propose to me and proposed to him instead. When Rick was alive I used to have dreams that we were still dating and I was still waiting for that big proposal.

Therapy is helping me realize that I’m not very good at processing my emotions.

Since then, other self help books sit on my nightstand and I am only able to digest them in small bits. They are not as entertaining and compelling as “You Should Talk to Someone”. I think that what I have been reading so far has helped me diagnose and understand the feelings I have been avoiding. What I need now is direction so I can address my anger, my fears and my shame.

The next book on my reading list is the Bible.

Before going on vacation, my therapist gave me two assignments. 1, Read Co-Dependent No More, and 2, Reflect on who I am without a partner.

While away, I took 7 flights, 3 high speed trains, and multiple subway, lyft, didi, taxi, bus and shuttle rides. Plenty of time to reflect.

I’ll start with the book. As I read I couldn’t figure out why this book was recommended for me. Many co-dependents are the enablers of an alcoholic. Many co-dependents are responding to some kind of trauma from childhood. This is not me. Why did my therapist think I should read this book? As I read further It became clearer.

I’m afraid to be by myself. I believe I am unloveable. I am afraid of rejection. I (mostly) seek validation from others. My need for acceptance is so great that I often lower my expectations and settle for less than I truly want. In fact, I don’t even know what I truly want. I find my worthiness in what I do for others. I’m not able to ask for what I need.

Before I even read the book, I asked Judy what I needed to do to fix my issues. She said the book would give me some ideas. And it did. Most notable are the 12 Steps used for recovery from alcoholism. While my recovery is not from alcohol abuse, the steps are still useful. In general the steps are about learning to love myself.

Acceptance is the first step. As a woman of faith, I believe I am made in the image of God. So I was ashamed when I realized just how little love I have for myself. I didn’t think it was possible for humility and self love to co-exist.

But 12 steps aside, the question for me still exists. How do I learn to love myself.? How do I get rid of the shame, the guilt, and the anger? And as long as I’m writing out my wish list, I wish for the process to be easy and quick.

I believe the answer is in my Savior. Through prayer and meditation, I will learn to surrender my fears to HIM. His grace has always been there. I just need to accept it. I’m taking steps to get there. I’m seeking pastoral counseling; I have joined the church I’ve been attending for 2 years; I’m planning to be baptized. I will use my writing to give testimony to the truth in God’s word. I’m learning to pray more regularly and to have a deeper relationship with Jesus.

I’ve been resisting. I’ve been afraid of giving up control. I thought I needed a partner to feel whole and I refused to believe that I could find love without the aid of dating apps. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve the kind of love and commitment that I craved – that Rick was the only man that would find me worthy. I settled in a relationship with someone who had different goals than me.

On to the second assignment. If I had done this one first I may have been less resistant to the truths revealed to me in the book. Regardless, I realize now that I was looking for a relationship to complete me. As I examined what I am without a relationship, my list was filled with negatives: unlovable, sad, pitiful, boring, lonely, insecure, afraid. Even though good friends advised me to work on me before pursuing love again, I resisted, thinking I had that covered. It’s been hard for me to admit how much I loath myself. It’s taken me weeks to write this and to hit the publish button.

I’ve been putting on my brave face for the world and clinging to others’ encouraging words for validation. You are so brave. You deserve the best. You are amazing. I tried so hard to believe it.

I’m still trying. Lord, hear my prayer.

It’s my last full day of vacation and I woke up not ready to face the day. I skipped breakfast and snoozed for another hour. You would think it was a work day and not another day in paradise. Once up, I headed to the beach, covered up to protect myself from more sunburn. I spent time reflecting and journaling.

At lunch, I picked a pizza place thinking a calzone sounded good. But then I considered a burger and then thought about all the authentic Thai food to choose from. Francine asked what I wanted to do today and I had no idea. I didn’t want to be in the sun; it was probably to late to book a tour; I didn’t need to do any more shopping. Crap, I can’t even decide what to eat for lunch.

I returned to the room, not wanting to waste my day in paradise but paralyzed in a state of indecision. I came on this trip with expectations of healing and right now I feel as broken as ever and crave the comfort of home.

I start asking myself, why can I make major decisions with ease and the simple ones throw me into a tailspin? Is this part of not knowing what I truly want in life? Is it related to my inability to ask others for help or a preference to have a partner that will make decisions for the both of us so I don’t have to. And being the control freak I am, I know that I don’t truly want that. Maybe what I want is someone in my life that knows me enough to carry me when I can’t do it alone. I want the confidence to say what I want and that starts with knowing what I want.

I continued to reflect on my self doubt and my quest to forgive and love myself. I prayed for confidence, for patience, for trust, and for the ability to surrender control. I pray that I can open my heart to others that are trying to help me if I will just let them.

Meanwhile, what did I do today? I listened to last Sunday’s sermon from church; I napped; I found a shady spot by the rooftop pool bar and I ate, drank and wrote. Writing has been my lifeline since Rick died and on a day in paradise when my choices were unlimited, I chose to write. And it was a great decision.

At work today I was asked about my plans for New Years Eve. When I shared that I would be alone, colleagues expressed the joys of having alone time. Yes, alone time is good but not when you are lonely.

As I left work, I was fighting back the tears thinking of how much I miss both Rick and Walter. I stopped at Mariano’s and bought myself some flowers, my favorite wine and some of my favorite snacks. At home, I pick out some romantic comedy’s on Netflix that will make it impossible to fight the tears much longer.

And I write. It’s my lifeline when I have time and it’ a healthy outlet to process the myriad of emotions I feel. Although I am drinking that bottle of wine – a less healthy outlet. Do the two cancel each other out? Speaking of writing…I can’t wait to fill the writing prompt journal that I got for Christmas. Thanks Hannah!

I’ve done a lot of reading*, journaling and reflecting since the break-up. My therapist and my friends have given me a lot to think about. And since it’s the time of year for resolutions, I might as well write about my goals for 2020; an evolution of Julie v. 2.

1. Deal with my fear of being alone
2. Read more
3. Launch Make Them Yummy Meals
4. Travel to Asia
5. Write
6. Establish better boundaries
7. Buy a lake home
8. Dance at my daughter’s wedding
9. Continue working on my health goals
10. Keep my Christmas tree up all year – because it brings me such joy

Ten goals are a good and realistic number to focus on. There is one big one that I am keeping a secret for now. Some of them will be harder than others – obviously! Mostly I will focus on the first goal. A year from now I want to embrace being alone and not be afraid of it.

As I look at my friend Francine’s New Year’s post (she is 12 hours ahead), I think she summed it up well. She says, “Visit new places, take a new road on your journey, talk to new people, open your heart to those who need a little kindness, leave the anger and fear in the past and breathe in gratitude for the New Year! There is always a new day to see the sunshine and be the change you wish to see with a smile! Namaste”.

Francine is one of my mentors and closest friends. She has experienced a lot of adversity in life and her integrity, courage and strength inspire me as I work on loving myself. We met on a Girl Scout trip in Europe in 2012. In 2020, Julie version 2 and Francine will be taking on Asia and I just know it will be the trip of a lifetime.

The flowers look beautiful in my kitchen; the wine and snacks are mostly gone; I had a good healing ugly cry and spent the last few hours of 2019 tucked in my cozy bed alone with my dreams of the future.

May the new year bring a new happy.

*I highly recommend “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottileb