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I’ve been taking a break from dating to work on myself.  Yeah, the idea was to find happiness and the rest will follow.  But honestly, dating is still on my mind 24/7.

As I’ve worked with my life coach on my “grief recovery”, I’ve been waiting for the right time to discuss a love interest (apart from Rick).  I don’t regret signing up for the program.  It is helping me bring closure to an amazing relationship that ended to soon.

I hired a personal trainer and did my hair and make up for our first session…just in case.

I took golf lessons,  because…men.  (But I did learn a lot and I’m pretty good.)

I’m spending to much money on clothing, facials, massage, manis, pedis, and hair appointments to be as attractive as I can.  It was nice to splurge but it’s time to get back on track with my budget.

I’m getting to know my neighbors but disappointed that the average age in my building is 70.  I’ve balanced that with new friends at my church where 80% of the members are in their 20s and 30s.  Where are all the 50 and 60 year olds?

I even gave up drinking to lose weight.  Ha!  Not really.  But I did cut back by subbing sparkling water in a wine glass with frozen grapes.  It’s not the same but my trainer is pretty proud.

All these changes have something in common.  They are all things I can control.  And while being in control benefitted me in finding my first love and in  enjoying a successful career as a government executive it’s not working for me in finding happiness in 2018.  If I am honest with myself, I know I am not really in control. God is.

I know this.  But do I really believe it?   Believing it means trusting that God is so great and so loving that only God truly knows what is best for me.  How can I let go of my expectations and trust that God is in control of my destiny?  I feel like a rebellious teenager wanting to do things MY way.

While my prayers have been to find a new love to retire with and grow old with, what if God’s has a different plan for me?  One that is better.  What if God’s plan is one where I am happy AND single.   Maybe some day I will be thanking God for unanswered prayers.

If you have been praying for me as I find my way without Rick by my side, please pray for my ability to let go of my need to be in control. Pray that I can let go and learn to trust in God’s plan for the next phase of my life journey.  I know that is a prayer that God will answer.  I believe.

AMEN

I can’t believe It’s been one year without you, Dad. One year without the sound of your voice. One year without hour-long phone calls just to chat. One year without your sarcasm. One year without your advice and words of wisdom. One year without your never-ending stories. One year without hearing your smokers cough or loud snore. One year without the most loving, supportive and hardworking dad in the world.

July 11, 2017 was by far the worst day of my life. I watched my dad take his last breath and had to say my final goodbye to him. I have been dreading the first anniversary of his death for a while now. Somehow it all seems more final to me now that it has been a full year. We have had to celebrate holidays, birthdays and milestones without him here and that will become our new “normal”. Of course there will be many more milestones to face in the years to come but for me the one year mark has been the biggest obstacle to overcome so far.

It is amazing how one year can feel like the blink of an eye and a lifetime at the same time. The seasons have changed and we’ve started new traditions along the way. We’ve brought pieces of dad with us along the way and will continue to do so on our next adventures. I’ve had an especially difficult time in my grief since moving to a new state, away from the people who knew him best. It breaks my heart that my new neighbors and friends never had the pleasure of meeting the amazing man that I was lucky enough to call Dad.

It hasn’t gotten any easier, and my life will never really be the same. But I will always carry the memories I shared with him, the countless life lessons he taught me and honor his legacy of making tym for what is important. In this next year, I will talk about him more. I will share his compassion and friendliness with those around me. I will be a friend to everyone. I will make my dad proud. And I will make tym for the people and things I love.

I love you, Dad and I miss you more every day that passes.

One year ago I decided to drive home and surprise my dad for Father’s Day weekend. I’m so thankful I made the time to go home and spend the weekend with him. I didn’t know it at the time but it would be the last time I saw him before his accident.

When I got home Friday afternoon, my dad was napping in the basement. I started to walk down the stairs and he goes “how was the drive Annika?” He was a very difficult person to surprise. Just like he always predicted the ending of movies 5 minutes in, he always saw a surprise coming. However, I was able to surprise my mom and when she didn’t believe I was actually home, we sent her a selfie to prove it.

I have been dreading Father’s Day for the past 11 months and although I knew it was coming, I was still overcome with heartache and pain waking up this morning. We never did anything grand and extravagant for Father’s Day, but that’s not how my dad wanted to spend his day. He was happiest just grilling out, fishing and spending time with his family and if he got a round of golf in that morning, he was even happier! I let myself have an hour (or two) to cry and sulk this morning but I want to spend the rest of the day how my dad would want me to, celebrating him and all the wonderful memories I shared with him.

Today, I’m grateful to have had the most amazing dad anyone could ask for. I’m grateful he was able to see me graduate high school and college. I’m grateful he was there to send me off to Homecoming dances and Proms. I’m grateful to have spent numerous Daddy-Daughter dances with him (even when I spent the whole night playing with my friends while he talked with the other dads). I’m grateful for all the fabulous family vacations we took over the years, especially Hawaii. I’m grateful for all the trips he took to Ames when I was feeling homesick. I’m grateful for the phone calls and advice whenever I needed reassurance or a friendly voice. I’m grateful he was able to meet the love of my life, Nic. Most of all, I’m grateful for his endless support and unconditional love.

Happy Father’s Day to all the wonderful dads out there, but especially mine. I love you, Dad.

Of all the days I’ve been dreading in this first year, I think Father’s Day is the one that weighs heaviest on me. And because I am fortunate to have my dad in my life, (He turned 84 years young on the day before Father’s Day) my sadness is for my children.   They have endured 11 months and one week without their dad.  And today, as the world celebrates fatherhood it’s another painful reminder of how much they have lost.  I want nothing more than to take away their pain.

Rick became a dad on February 20, 1995.  After a long day of labor Annika Marie arrived.  Rick drove home around 2 am.  He was so elated, so excited and so overcome with the gravity of becoming a father that he drove erratically and worried that he would be pulled over.  He would tell you that it was the happiest day of his life.

23 months later, on January 28, 1997 Rick rushed me to the hospital and 20 minutes after we arrived he was the proud father of a son.  We named him Erik David and our family was complete.

As young working parents, we were busy yet happy.  When my work travels took their toll on our work/life balance, Rick quit his job to be a stay at home dad.  In my newest role at USDA I had a 20 State territory as a supervisory investigator and I had many staff to meet.  Rick and the kids joined me on on all my trips that were within driving distance.  It was the greatest year of our lives.  It is the best example I know of him Making TYM for what was important to him — our family.

As the kids got older, fatherhood for Rick meant daddy/daughter dances with Annika, coaching Erik in football, and so many other great moments.  Family vacations, college visits, phone calls, fishing at grandma’s house, football games, and grilling out on Father’s day.

While it’s nice to honor all the dads on the 3rd Sunday in June, Rick lived every day over the last 22 like it was Father’s Day.  He treasured his daughter and wanted nothing more than her happiness.  He loved his son and he pushed him to achieve more than he was able to achieve in life.  He was so proud of both of them.

So today, my daughter grieves the loss of her daddy.  He will not be here to walk her down the aisle.  Today my son grieves the loss of his dad.  They cannot bond over beers and and he will no longer hear his dad’s praise after a game well played.

While today is sad, I am grateful.  My kids has an amazing father that loved them dearly.  They have memories of a dad that was truly the best during his short life.  There is no doubt in Annika and Erik’s mind that they were loved dearly.  Now that he is gone, others have stepped in to love them and mentor them.  They are lucky to have male role models like my cousin Tim, my brother Michael and Nic’s dad Jim.

And I’m grateful for my dad.  Not only did he provide a loving and safe home for me growing up; he provided me with an education and my first home and he helped me find my career with the USDA.  Thank you Daddy.

To all the Dad’s – Happy Father’s Day!

Saturday afternoon I received an unexpected phone call from one of my best friends and while I was excited to see her name pop up on my phone, I had a feeling she wasn’t calling just to catch up. When she told me the tragic news of Mia’s passing, I was left in disbelief. I was speechless and I’m still in shock.

It was the same shock and disbelief I felt 11 months ago when I received a phone call about my dad’s accident. Although my dad’s accident and Mia’s accident were different, it still brings up the same feelings and heartbreak that come with sudden deaths. Death is never easy to cope with, but sudden deaths hit us the hardest.

We don’t see it coming, we don’t have time to prepare for this pain, we don’t expect to have to say goodbye so soon.

I’ve spent the last day reflecting on the few memories I have with Mia and I regret not getting to know her sooner than I did. I first met Mia when we both joined AOII and although we were only familiar faces to each other, she never walked by without a smile on her face or without saying hello. It wasn’t until we both served on GW Central our senior year that I really got to know her. After a difficult fall semester, I was looking forward to being disaffiliated for Greek Week and meeting new people outside of my own chapter. However, being the introvert that I am I was immediately relieved to learn Mia was going to also serve on GW Central. She treated me as though we had been friends forever and always made me feel included, regardless of how alone I felt. Her smile could light up a room and her infectious laugh would make your day. She had an eagerness to always help others and treated everyone with acceptance and love.

Mia touched the lives of everyone she met and she will be greatly missed by all who knew her. We should all strive to embody the values Mia showed us on a daily basis. Only the good die young and Mia was truly one of the best. Rest in Peace, Mia. 

All these months I’ve been writing on MakeTym.com and I haven’t talked much about the true theme of this blog – about making time for what is important.  It really hit me today.  As I’ve been reflecting on my  latest dating fail, I realized with some help from my girlfriends that were willing to get real with me that I need to slow down.  I need to take the time needed to find the right guy for me.  As I pressed pause this weekend, I had the opportunity to take a crash course in dating, courtesy of the best girlfriends a girl could ask for.

Slowing down is not easy for me.  I like to live life in the fast lane.  I complete work tasks fast and when I want something I go after it.  After 25 amazing years with Rick I miss the emotional and physical connection we had.  Every day that it takes to find that next love connection feels like a wasted day of my life.  In my mind I know this is not really true.  My lonely heart tells me something else.

I know I can find love again but I lack the patience and the stamina needed to weed out the frauds and to make time to get to know the others.  You could say that I’m being lazy.  I am in a rush to get off of the dating sites and I don’t feel confidant that I will meet someone any other way.  And regardless of how I meet someone, I am not taking the time to let the relationship unfold organically.  Writing this makes me realize how desperate I must seem to the men I am meeting.

Part of my impatience with the process is the plethora of frauds on these sites.  I’ve become quite good at spotting them and the last one was so mad when I called him out, he accused me of being fake and said he was not going to be my next victim and that I must be a serial dater.  Really!  When I had a date the other night, Erik asked me if the guy was real.  I had to laugh.  Yes, he was real.  We had talked and texted a bit.  But then, he stood me up.  Ouch.  He was real alright.  A real jerk.

And being an open book doesn’t help.  I extend trust quickly and I freely share information about myself.  Why read the book if you already know what happens in the last chapter, right?  A girlfriend advised me to guard my heart and not let anyone in until they have earned the right to it.  Such wise words.  I know she is right.  The moment Rick fell in love with me was when I was dating him and another guy concurrently.  All of the sudden I was not around every time he called.

And let’s talk rejection.  It hurts.  Two failed connections in particular were really hard on me.  It’s not just feeling like you are unworthy of love — For me, it brings back the terrible loss of losing my husband.  The waves of grief just roll back in, drowning me in sorrow and showering me with a loneliness that cannot be shaken.

Writing a profile summary on these sites just adds to the madness.  How do you describe yourself in a way that men will find endearing and intriguing, yet not to revealing?  For me it feels like I need to “market” myself with the very best pictures and a perfect description of my interests and all my good qualities.  I would say 90% of us on these sites like to be active, enjoy movies, and good food and wine  and the Cubs.  So original!   It’s so maddening I’ve thought about changing my summary to something like this:

Overweight, average looking older woman with poor hygiene seeking relationship.  I’m lazy, drink too much, have no money and will text you constantly.  I do not have a sense of humor, and I am not interested in holding hands or cuddling.  I lead a boring life and would not change a thing!  I have a lot of hang ups related to past relationships but I’m sure I can get it right this time.  I’m very controlling and needy and will expect you to cater to my every whim.  Message me and let’s see if we have a connection!

Now that I think of it, this might attract just the right guy – one who can appreciate my sense of humor.

But seriously, I’m going to give it another week (just kidding!).  I’m going to enjoy my first summer in Chicago with all the great friends I have and hopefully meet some interesting new people along the way. Someone out there is looking for me and when he finds me…..well, he’s going to be blown away at what a great catch I am.