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Happy Mother’s Day

Posted on by Julie in Friends

The greatest joy in life is friendship.  I am so blessed to have a large Tribe that has my back. My friends are especially important to me after losing my best friend Rick 10 months ago.

With Mother’s Day approaching it’s only appropriate to tell you about two friends in my life that are a constant, my very best friends, my children.  Every parenting book will tell you that you should not be your child’s friend.  But that doesn’t apply when they are adults, right?  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

My children are both adults and having adult children is great.  We can experience things on more of a peer level and as all three of us become more educated our discussions follow suit. Our humor and ability to laugh also seems to improve with age.

I’ll start with Erik.  He calls me several times a day.  He is sometimes the only person I talk to on a given day.  I’ve never been good at making phone calls.  Just ask my mom.  I don’t even call her very often.  But Erik has stepped up as the man of the family and it really is nice to hear his voice every day, checking on me to be sure all is well.  (Sometimes he is calling for money, but he doesn’t start the conversation with that!)  He also comes home almost every weekend.  I do realize it might be more about his friends and the fun things to do in Chicago, but still.  Now that I am living alone it is so nice to have him and his friends around.

Erik and I share a love of shopping, football, and cooking.  Well, eating might be the real love.   We have been having fun discovering new places to dine in Chicago.  On St. Patrick’s Day we had a fun night dancing.  I can thank his Godmother for teaching him to dance.  (”Just move your shoulders”) and ever since that night I’ve been asking him when he is going to ask that cute nursing student for a date.  Hey, sometimes we need a little help from our friends.

My daughter Annika is not only my favorite travel companion, our shared interests in sushi, 5K’s, sangria, pineapples, and Netflix means we always have something fun to do when we are together.  When she joined the same sorority as me our shared sisterhood gave us another opportunity to share something we both value.

Annika and I are both quiet and we have a common talent in communicating well in writing. I love getting letters from her and we share a journal that we pass back and forth.  When we are together we really enjoy each other’s company, whether we are drinking Sangria in the south of Spain or watching This is Us and crying over our similar loss.

Our relationships with each other definitely changed with the death of their father.  As I have relied on my children to help me make decisions regarding the details of Rick’s funeral and the sale of our home, my children have been thrust into adult conversations that normally occur later in life. It’s like I have shifted some of my husband’s “friend” duties to them.  My closest friends are there for me in good times and in bad and my children are no exception.

Having these two in my life is my greatest blessing.  Over the past year I have dreaded certain holidays and I know Father’s Day will be bittersweet, particularly for Annika and Erik. But I am truly looking forward to this Mother’s day grilling steaks and drinking Sangria with my two best friends.

SWF seeks SM for LTR

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

Being single at 53 and looking for the perfect man in 2018 is so complicated!

After being catfished right out of the gate, my radar is on high alert.  After I questioned Robert from the UK about using Marco Robinson’s pictures he split faster than an Olympic sprinter.  Next there was David from New Providence, PA.  When I insisted on facetiming to verify his identity he never responded.  The next day, eHarmony notified me that they had removed him from the site.  eHarmony also removed Mark from New York and AJ from Dallas just after we had exchanged introductory messages.

Yesterday I started a lovely conversation with Michael from Coral Springs.  After his profile disappeared he explained that he cancelled his membership after connecting with me.  He has no social media accounts since his attorney advised him to delete everything after being catfished.  Right.  He had several excuses for not being able to FaceTime.  Another one bites the dust.

I tried another app where identifies are verified.  Brad is obsessed with my foot photo on Instagram.  Not a very stimulating conversation.  Howard sent a funny gif and is now MIA.  Others have not reached out even though we both “swiped right”.  And to be clear, I am not on Tinder.

I’m taking a break from the on-line game for now.  Since I’m paid up for several months, my profile remains on line but it has been updated with a warning, using a few choice words.

I’ve gotten lots of advice from friends.  One suggested that  because I had so many wonderful years with Rick and because my grown children do not need a new father that I do not need to be dating.

A couple of friends have suggested looking for someone the old fashioned way.  Could I meet someone at church or at work?  I could take a dance class or cooking class.  Maybe there is someone in my building or someone who I see on the bus each day?  I guess this is possible but it seems like such a long shot and I would have to remove my wedding ring.

Yesterday I had a lovely conversation with Danita at my nail salon.  She shared her story of meeting her husband of one year.  After a 15 year marriage she was single for 13 years.  She prayed that she would meet a nice Christian man and she did.  He noticed her on the train each morning and one day when her train buddies were not with her they struck up a conversation and immediately connected.

Danita isn’t the only one who has encouraged me to pray.  My dear friend Susie reminds me every day that I need to pour my heart out to God.   I did just that last night.  Mostly I prayed for patience.  A virtue I do not have.  My prayers have helped bring clarity to what I want and what I might do moving forward.

Boy do I have ideas!  Stay tuned and I’ll share what God has planned for me.

A Gift to Myself

Posted on by Julie in Confidence, gift

Tonight was my last night in an 8 week Grief Therapy group.  One of the things we were asked to bring for sharing was a gift we wanted to give to ourself, perhaps in the form of a letter.  I immediately knew I wanted to write something that would be affirming.  Something that would help me forgive myself.

The timing of this request was particularly difficult coming out of a week that was one of the happiest yet one of the most traumatic I’ve experienced.  It came at a time when I do not feel good about myself.   I feel stupid and embarrassed.  Naïve and afraid.  Sad and lonely.  To write this letter, I needed to dig deep and remind myself of how special I am.  I needed to give myself grace.  This is what I shared at therapy:

Dear Julie, 

Recently you decided to start dating.  You were nervous and despite hurting your family in the process you dove in.  You picked a reputable dating service (eHarmony) and you indicated a preference for International so you would be forced to take things slow and get to know someone at a distance.  You are a really smart woman.  It’s one of the things Rick loved about you.  You are also strong and demonstrated the kind of sweet vulnerability needed in order to find love again.

When an extremely good looking man named Robert from the UK contacted you, you felt like a school girl experiencing her first love.  As you got to know Robert through long conversations, you basked in the compliments and dreamed about the promises of exciting adventures.  You could not eat or sleep.  Thoughts of Robert consumed you.  Your friends immediately noticed a glow about you.  You felt more alive and more beautiful than you had since your wedding day.  When Robert told you he was coming to Chicago for a temporary work assignment you could not believe your good fortune.

Your girlfriends encouraged you and shared in your happiness yet offered to do some background checks to keep you safe.  Your friends are smart too.

Your dear friend Amy, also a widow, made the difficult call to let you know that Robert was a fraud.  Robert was using pictures of Marco Robinson, a model, actor, and author from the UK.  As you checked Marco’s Instagram, all the pictures of Robert popped up including the ones of him at his restaurant and the selfies that you thought had been snapped just for you.

As you came crashing down from your high you regretted telling so many that you had met someone special.  You were so ashamed and wanted to hide away at home and hibernate.  

This letter is about what makes you special Julie.  It’s really important that you know this truth even if the last time you heard it was from a con man.

You are strong and resilient.  You have faced plenty of adversity in your life.  Each time you have bounced back stronger than ever.  You have modeled this for your children and they too are resilient.

You are smart.  I said it earlier but I will say it again.  Because you are smart you have established an amazing career for yourself.  Because you are smart you did not divulge to much personal information to Robert and you would not have sent money to Robert if he had asked.

You are trusting.  You always believe the very best about others.  Because you have learned a valuable lesson in not extending trust too quickly, you will be more reserved in the future knowing that there are people in this world that cannot and should not be trusted.  

You are a visionary.  You have a passion for so many things and you are able to immediately build excitement around reaching goals even if you run into roadblocks along the way.  You know what you want and you go after it.

You are beautiful and you do not need a man to shower you with compliments or gifts to be reminded of this.  Likewise, you are loved.  You are loved by your family and so many friends.  You were loved by a kind and generous man for 27 years and another kind and generous man will find you someday and love you just the same.  Meanwhile, remind yourself of this daily by reading this letter.  It’s my gift to you.

Julie

(The picture is of Marco Robinson from his Instagram page marcorobinsonnow.  I did not request permission to use it but I did contact him to advise that his photos were being used by someone posing as Robert Jonas)

All by my selfie

Posted on by Julie in alone, Uncategorized

I am a classic introvert.  I get my energy from being alone – it gives me time to recharge my battery.  Those that work with me know that I can spend my entire day in my office.  I would rather write an email instead of making a phone call.   Others are surprised by this because I also enjoy a large social network and when I am caught up on work and household responsibilities I love a great party or outing with others.

For an introvert, living alone has it’s perks.  I eat whatever and whenever I want.  I have total control of the remote and there is no compromising on how to decorate.  I can hog the covers and I can sleep peacefully without hearing my partner’s snoring.

I’ve had the perfect weekend by my selfie.  I treated my self to an hour massage on Thursday night; On Friday I had a great  lunch date with a dear friend; I had an amazing meal and margarita at my favorite Mexican restaurant after work; and I caught up with a high school friend of Rick’s who called to check in on me.  He convinced me to give a dating service a chance and I spent the rest of my evening filling out my profile.  On Saturday I shopped for some new glasses and splurged by purchasing two pair – I couldn’t decide.  I spent the afternoon at the nail salon getting pampered and picked up my favorite Chicago pizza which I enjoyed at home with some Yuengling – Rick’s and my favorite beer.  I watched The Greatest Showman twice.  It was that good.

As I was watching the movie the first time, I was so moved by the music I started crying.  I haven’t cried in a while and the floodgates opened wide.  So wide I was soon drowning in my sorrow.  Nine months into my grief I have been keeping busy and working hard to find a new normal in my life.  I’ve been so focused on moving forward that I suppose I have pushed my grief aside.  I’ve been avoiding certain people and certain triggers.  I’ve been stressed by my renovation and yet another failed contract on the sale of my Oswego home.  I’ve been treading water in a stormy sea.  It felt good to cry and it prompted me to pull out the hundreds of condolence cards I received.  I had been meaning to do this and re-reading the notes brought me comfort as I rewatched the movie a second time with less tears.

Being a night owl, I wasn’t ready to turn in just yet.  I looked at a message I received on eHarmony from a nice looking man my age and I sent a note back.  I played some scrabble, closed my blinds, turned off all my alarms and drifted off to 11 hours of sweet slumber.

So on this dreary Sunday I am listening to the Greatest Showman soundtrack as I blog in my PJ’s and eating popcorn for lunch.  I’m continuing my conversation with my match  and I’m catching up with my kids on a three way call.  This is not the life I imagined for myself.   I am all by my selfie but I am happy.

 

 

 

 

Mikkelson Party

Posted on by Julie in Anniversary, Maketym

Celebrating his birthday without him was hard.  Thanksgiving and Christmas, also hard.  New Years and St. Patty’s day – hard because those days carry special meaning to our relationship.  Second only to the most special day of all – March 28, our Wedding day.  How do you celebrate the anniversary of your wedding day when you are no longer a party of 2?

Obviously there will not be a romantic dinner for two, a special vacation or an exchange of cards or flowers or gifts or a good morning Happy Anniversary hug and kiss.  So how do you celebrate the sweet memories and 25 years and 104 days of marriage?  Till “death do us part” became my reality and the end of his life means the end of our marriage.  And the end of a marriage means the end of anniversary celebrations of that marriage.

I’m not ready to stop celebrating.  So this year I chose to host a celebration of Rick’s life and invited our wedding party, and our closest family and friends that were part of our special day in 1992 to join me and my children in toasting Rick.

It was a magical night.  Friends and family traveled from California, Florida, Minnesota, New Jersey, and Ohio.  My bestie Kelly arranged the most beautiful floral arrangements, complete with my favorite calla lilies.  My bestie Mitch brought a special bottle of wine from our Party of 6 weekend in Napa.  Girlfriends from Oswego tended bar and mixed up a great signature cocktail – a Ricki Tiki Tym – vodka and Arnold Palmer mix for my guy that loved to golf.  We played music from our 1992 wedding and many of Rick’s favorites from the BoDeans.

I felt beautiful, dressed in a blue gown with my hair and make up perfect.  Walking in to the party felt a lot like walking down the aisle 26 years ago to meet my groom.  The nervous excitement was even similar.  And it wasn’t sad walking in to meet my friends instead of my lover.  I felt loved.  Loved by my children, family and closest friends.  Their support means I’m not a party of one.  I’m a party of many.

As I raised my glass to toast my husband the tears did flow.  I wasn’t able to be as eloquent and poised as I wanted to be but I was able to verbalize my love and appreciation for the man who loved me fiercely and left me with so many sweet memories and a reminder to make tym for what is important in life.  Most importantly, he left me with his greatest legacy — our two beautiful children.  Just like their father, they are kind, funny, loving and the most important part of my life.

Speaking of which, after the party the three of us hung out in my apartment.  They played pranks on me and we laughed and celebrated our time as a party of 3.

Cloudy and gloomy with a chance of sunshine

Posted on by Julie in depression, Grief, sleep

In the many leadership courses I have taken, there is often a discussion of the relationship to nature vs nurture in determining someone’s leadership abilities.  Like leadership, I think depression can be attributed to nature as well as the influence of the environment.

Several years before Rick’s accident, my OB/GYN nurse midwife subscribed an anti-depressant for me.  I took it for two weeks a month.  The thought was to help me manage symptoms that appeared to be pre-menstrual.  Eventually after consulting with my doctor, he suggested I take an anti-depressant daily.  He explained that a daily dose would be more effective in managing the mild depression I was experiencing.

This worked well.  Then life got busy.  I didn’t schedule my annual physical and my prescription could not be renewed.  I figured it was a good opportunity to wean myself off the meds.  After all, I was going through menopause and figured I no longer needed help managing my depression.   I was wrong.

I experienced some mild physical symptoms and emotionally I was a wreck.  Erik was home recuperating from back surgery.  We had a big fight – about what I do not recall.  I started having suicidal thoughts and said hurtful things that scared my family.  Instead of dealing with my own issues, I kicked Erik out of the house.  I didn’t even consult with Rick.  I just did it and was not open to reasoning with anyone.  Rick tried to convince me that I should work it out with Erik or at least let him be home while I was away.  I didn’t budge.

Eventually I went back on my meds and things got better.  Not just better, practically perfect.  Erik returned to football, Annika graduated from college with honors and was making plans to start her life with Nic. Rick and I celebrated our 25th Anniversary. Rick had new work opportunities opening up and I got an amazing job assignment in San Francisco that gave me a new challenge and a better outlook on my career.  We had the best weekend ever with our besties.

After Rick died, my physician recommended grief counseling and an increase in dosage.  I did both.  I did a few sessions of individual therapy but decided group therapy might be better.

I found a grief group here in the city.  After the first night I was skeptical.  I had expectations of meeting other widows and widowers that could relate to what I was feeling.  Instead, the group is made up of women young enough to be my daughters.  They have all lost a mother or sister and I was the only widow.  All of them lost their loved one to cancer or another illness and I was the only one who experienced a sudden loss from a senseless accident.

Last night was our second week together and I was pleasantly surprised.  Our losses and ages may differ greatly but our experiences are so similar.  We shared our sleep issues, our lack of energy, how unreal death seems, and our desires for signals or conversations with our loved one.  I was touched by the tears of another member who could not get over how much she could relate to what others were sharing.  She didn’t feel so alone.

Prior to medication, I would have days where I just wanted to escape from the world.  The kind where all I did was shut myself inside, sleeping in a dark room, rising only to eat junk food and then returning to bed.  With medication and grief support, these bouts of depression are fewer and far between.  Before today, I cannot recall when the last one was or even if it was before Rick’s death or after.

I suppose I saw it coming.  Mornings are hard enough without Daylight Savings Time.  I’ve been working on my morning game, establishing a routine and using mindfulness techniques the night before to help me mentally prepare for the alarm and not hit snooze.  Yesterday I was up for 45 minutes and went back to bed even after coffee.  But I did get up and go to work.  Today, not even knowing it was cloudy and dreary outside, I relapsed.  The stress and loneliness and feelings of emptiness with Rick’s absence got the best of me.  I had my coffee, called the office, closed my blinds and slept.  I slept a long time.  Then I ate girl scout cookies and started writing.

I am thankful for the meds that keep me from spiralling further out of control.  I am thankful for a friend that is bringing me dinner.  I am thankful that she won’t judge me for being in my pajamas or for having a dirty house and unmade bed.

I am thankful for the gift of writing.  It brings me peace and comfort and it brings me hope for sunnier days.  Ironically, it took losing Rick to really discover my passion for writing.  So above all else, I thank you Rick.

 

 

Gay Lives Matter

Posted on by Julie in Acceptance, Love

I consider myself to be open minded. I love my gay friends and family and I respect and admire the courage it must take to live openly as gay when society condemns a gay lifestyle and some consider it sinful. As a Christian, the God I know loves all of us regardless of who we love.

I have often thought it would be sad if either of my children turned out to be gay. It could never change my love for them; however, I would selfishly mourn not having biological grandchildren and I would worry about the obstacles they would face in gaining acceptance from others. So when a friend of mine with 3 boys said she had always hoped one of her boys would be gay, I wasn’t just surprised – I was shocked. She explained that it would be so fun to have another son or son in law in her life that she could swap recipes with and get fashion and decorating ideas from. Of course this makes it sound like all gay men have a keen sense of design. (Maybe they do). I really admire my girlfriend’s open heart and really love that about her.

Yesterday morning after enjoying a visit from my college friend Gina and husband Wes, Erik helped me with a number of tasks at home. We (actually “he”) changed lightbulbs, hung pictures, moved furniture to the storage room and fixed a door knob. When we were ready to sit down and relax for a while we decided to watch the Nexflix version of Queer Eye. Now is where I switch to my Siskel and Ebert mode.

First of all, this show is about helping others with their fashion, grooming, food, culture and design.  They had me at Hello. (While I have heard of the original Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, I have never watched it.)

Let’s talk about Jonathon. His is my FAV of the FAB 5. Not only is he funny af; he is expressive, cute, joyful, and so full of life. Some would describe him as flamboyant. I wonder if I could figure out a way for him to style my hair? If he would simply touch my hair my life would be complete. I imagine growing my hair long like his and we go out dancing, flipping our hair back and laughing and impressing others with our sexy dance moves. He could totally be my BFF. In a word, I am OBSESSED. But I digress.

Beyond the fun clothing, hairstyles, recipes (including Sangria!), culture and home makeovers is the life changing experiences of the men that are impacted by the work of the FAB 5, five gay men who each have an area of expertise that they lend to a straight man. As I spent my afternoon glued to the TV I alternated between tears and laughter so many times I was an emotional hot mess. I poured some wine and proceeded to watch every episode.

As the FAB 5 interact with strangers who become friends, I am overcome with emotion watching the connections they are making and how it has broken down barriers between religious zealots and gay men, and cops and black men. I see the courage it took for a man to tell his mom he is gay and I can relate to the heartache of families that have lost a dad and husband, struggling with how much they miss their loved one. I have seen the renewed love between a husband and wife that are so overwhelmed raising their children that they do not take time for themselves or each other. In a word, I see LOVE.

As I watch incredible stories of love and acceptance,  I can’t help but think about the brokenness and political divide in our country.  I feel like the FAB 5 are highlighting our differences in a way that is healing and loving, and liberating, one contestant and one viewer at a time.

So while I am open minded, this show has opened my heart in a way that feels so right.  While I know that neither of my kids are gay, I can always hope for a gay grandchild.

 

 

Look for a message on Monday

Posted on by Julie in Uncategorized

Monday’s are not a favorite of mine and today was no exception.  After a lonely 3 day weekend, I was in full depression mode when I woke up.  I cancelled my 9 am and went back to bed.  After an hour of tossing and turning and feeling guilty about the other meetings on my calendar I finally got up and dragged myself to work.  As I was getting on the elevator at the office I noticed a yellow slip of paper on the ground.  It said “Look for a message on Monday”.

Hmmm.  I’m always looking for signs and since I went to such a great effort to go to work, I immediately thought that message was meant just for me.

It was a pretty busy day filled with meetings and catching up with staff that I had not connected with in weeks.  Still, my mind kept wandering back to the note.  I thought about my home and the five showings on Sunday.  Maybe my realtor was working up an offer!  I texted her and she said she was in training all day but planned to follow up on all the showings.

So that got me stressing about my renovation project and wondering how I will pay for it without the equity from my home.  And then I started stressing about the color of the cuddle chair for my living room.  Do I really want sage?  I wish it came in navy blue.  And will the benches in my dining room be the same height as a chair?  I frantically texted my decorator who probably thinks I’m crazy.

Get back to work Julie.  You have a million messages to tend to.  One from LinkedIn is intriguing.  McDonalds is looking for a Government Relations Manager.  I read the qualifications and it sounds perfect.  And my brother can put in a good word for me.  Is this the message?  With two years to go till I get my government pension and health benefits for life, this can’t be it.  The timing is off.

So while I’m on LinkedIn I see a page full of suggested contacts and I take a few minutes to review suggested connections.  I see several several colleagues and associates that I am familiar with.  Then I see him.  LInkedIn thinks I should connect with an ex boyfriend from college.  It is tempting – He is still handsome and I understand from Facebook that he is single.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.  If he wants to contact me he can find me.

At 5:15 I call it quits for the day and head to Target for some dish soap and groceries.  Rick would be appalled to know there is a sink full of dirty dishes.  I pass a lady carrying a rolled up carpet that looks just like the pattern I picked out with my designer.   I make a mental note to share this information with my designer and then head to the grocery section looking for a rotisserie chicken and then it hits me.  WTF!  You are in Target, not a full service grocery store.

So I head home and pick up the mail.  Included is an envelope from my attorney.  This is it, I think.  I am finally getting the workman’s comp settlement and I can rest easy about the house selling.  Nope.  Just a request to fill out paperwork authorizing the workman’s comp attorneys to access Rick’s health records. Really?  It took you 23 weeks to ask?

Off to the grocery store I go because I really want chicken noodle soup and I need that rotisserie chicken.  The trip is uneventful – no “messages”.   While eating I watch the Bachelor.  That was a waste of an hour of my life.  After I eat I get a Facebook message from a dear friend  I met in Europe.  At first I think she has been hacked since I got a strange message earlier from another friend.  Turns out the message is legitimate and I learn that my friend is dealing with some serious stress in her life.

Maybe that is the message.  Maybe I need to get over myself.  Stop feeling sorry for myself.  Everyone is dealing with shit.  Lost jobs, unfair treatment, health problems.  Not that losing my husband isn’t way up there on the list of top stressors  – but it happened and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  My reality now is that I am a single empty nester.  I hate that.  I absolutely hate it.

So all day I have been searching for a message.  Something to make me feel as though I’m not losing my mind.  Something that will bring me hope.  The kind of hope that will help me spring out of bed at the sound of the alarm, ready to face my day regardless of what day it is.  If might take me a while.  After all, after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says “WTF”!

 

I made a new friend!

Posted on by Julie in new beginnings

Growing up, my family moved every few years.  I always dreaded that first day in a new school.  I was terribly shy and worried about who I would sit with at lunch.  It always worked out and when it did, I can clearly remember that glorious feeling of making a new friend.  I’ve made many friends since those grade school days but it wasn’t until recently that I experienced that joyous feeling — the feeling of relief on the first day in a new place, knowing that it’s going to be okay.

I am blessed to have so many wonderful friends in my life.  Friends all over the United States that I met through school and work.  College friends, sorority sisters, neighbors, church friends, girl scout friends, parents of my children’s friends, even friends I made on the internet by being a Skimmbassador.  http://theskimm.com/?r=05119132   (Shameless plug!)

I lost my best friend and that has rocked my world in unimaginable ways.   Coupled with my recent move, I’ve been lonelier than ever.  While I no longer worry about who to eat lunch with, I am on my own in a new place.  My friends are only a phone call or text away but I miss having my best friend to have dinner with and to talk about our days, among other things. Facebook, FaceTime, and lunch dates are great but it’s not the same.  It will never be the same.

Yet my friendships are stronger than ever and I could not be more grateful.. While my besties (pictured here) are my lifelong friends that know me better than anyone, my neighbor friends are in a special class of their own.  These are the friends that jump into action at the first moment of need.  We cook for each other; we run errands for each other; we have coffee together; we drink wine together on our decks; we play Bunco religiously every month; we work out together; we have dinner parties; we attend funerals and weddings and graduations together; we travel together.  A few of them are going to bartend for me at my upcoming black tie anniversary party.  I love them so.  We are a community.

Why in the world did I move away from such a wonderful neighborhood where I have such an incredible support network of friends?  Whoever buys my home in Oswego is in for a treat and I’m not even charging extra for the amazing friends they are going to meet.

So when I met a new friend earlier this week, a friend just one floor below me, I felt that same excitement as I did after my first day of fourth grade in Fayetteville, Arkansas.  Mind you, I have not met this new neighbor in person but as soon as I read her bio we briefly chatted over Facebook messenger.   Now I cannot wait for her to move in.  Like me, she is a single, empty nester career woman with college kids.  And according to her Instagram she is a foodie and wine lover.  Sounds like a match made in heaven, right?

While I love my new building, I would guess the average owner is around 75 and retired.  OK – I’m exaggerating and I have nothing against older friends – in fact, I really enjoyed meeting many neighbors at the holiday party and one older gentleman planted the idea of a progressive dinner party for everyone in the “C/D Tier” and I’m all over that!   However, when I think of my closest friends I think about girlfriends that I can call in a pinch – ones that will drink wine with me while I cry about how unfair it is to be a widow at age 53; friends that will never tire of me sharing stories of Rick.   So you can imagine my excitement to be able to find a new friend my age in my new neighborhood with some common interests.

If she reads this I hope she won’t be creeped out by my instant womance (that is the female version of bromance by the way) and I hope she doesn’t feel pressured to live up to the high standards that my Gates Creek gals have set.  Who knows… when we meet, one of us may decide there is just no chemistry for a womance but for now, I am excited by the possibility.  And if things work out,  I can call my mom and say, “Guess what mom!  I made a new friend!”

 

I miss you

Posted on by Julie in Grief

Dear Rick,

After a week of sleeping in, it’s the night before I go back to work and I am laying awake willing myself to get some sleep before the alarm goes off at 5.  I will hit the snooze as you know.  I’m still not a morning person.  I know how much that annoyed you and I would give anything to see your face in the morning even if it’s an irritated plea for me to get up at the sound of the first alarm.

I worked on our taxes today and had to change my status to widowed.  Turbotax sends their condolences.

I also worked on setting up more repairs for the sale of our Oswego home.  With the help of our friend Tim, the place looks brand new.  With the help of our friend Rebecca it is under contract and she is getting me a fair price for it.  And our neighbors are clearing the snow for us until it is officially sold.  I am so thankful for everyone’s help as I navigate this stuff on my own.

Last night I was at your sisters for bunco.  It was good to see all of our friends but it was hard for me thinking that you should be there also.  I retreated upstairs briefly when I felt the tears coming on.  I texted Erik and he came and picked me up.  He got me safely home in the snowstorm while I had a good drunk cry.  He is such a caring and helpful young man – just like you.  I want you to know how much he has grown up so much since your death.   He is taking good care of me and also being a responsible student.  This morning, he cleared two feet of snow off my car and took me to the store.  We talked about financial security and he assured me that you and I have taught him how important it is for him to live within his means.  He has expensive taste but he plans on getting a good job when he graduates.  Next week he is getting a mental toughness award from the National Football Federation and I just need to believe that you will be with us at Halas Hall as he gives his acceptance speech.

Your “Pumpkin” is doing awesome also.  She got a job and she is coming to visit me this weekend.  Can you believe she will soon be 23 years old!?  She is making me go to the gym with her – I need that push as I’ve gotten out of my fitness routine.  To thank her I will offer to take her out for ice cream but I imagine she will be giving that up for Lent.  She is working so hard to manage her grief and I am so amazed at her strength.  I know you are so proud of her and I want you to know I am trying to be here for her in the way you were.  You were the person she could count on when she just needed to talk and needed someone to listen and not try to fix things for her.

And I am doing the best I know how.

Last night I dreamt (again) that you were really alive.  It was all a big mistake and you assured me that you had corrected the death certificate paperwork.  Probably because I dreamt another time that you could not get your drivers license renewed because I had filed a death certificate with the Secretary of State.   While these dreams bring me moments of joy the reality that sets in when I wake up leaves me depressed all day.  As each day goes by I am plagued by a deeper sadness and I am afraid.   I fear that I will forget your smile and your touch.  I fear that I won’t find joy again or if I do, I fear it will erase the joyous memories I had with you.

I pray every day that the kids and I  can find peace in the wonderful memories we have.  Thank you for being such a wonderful husband and father.

I miss you so much.

Love,

Julie